


Water under the bridge

by inexplicabletrousers



Category: Star Wars Episode VIII
Genre: F/M, Force-Sensitive Leia Organa, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Hux is Not Nice, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, Lightsaber fighting, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Slow Burn, Snoke Being a Dick, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, hurt!Kylo, leia is the best, reylo trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-02-28 19:40:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 88,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13278501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inexplicabletrousers/pseuds/inexplicabletrousers
Summary: The remaining rebels are starting to rebuild their fleet on a desolate planet in the middle of an uninhabited system. So far undisturbed by the First Order, they are more than surprised when Kylo Ren stumbles into the base, apparently alone, and collapses.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I haven't written anything for a while but I am such a sucker for a compelling villain and also redemption-baiting so I wrote this. Also I will probably abandon this once I go back to school and having to deal with actual six year olds puts me off writing about grown men acting like they're six so don't say you weren't warned. I hope you enjoy anyway.
> 
> Also I'm finding it really hard to keep people in character so if this is way off base I apologise. I haven't written for a while, what can I say.

Deflecting the bolts was hardly a challenge, but even so it expended the little energy he had left. As they bounced harmlessly against the floor he felt himself stumble and follow in their path, knees hitting the hard ground before him, eyes closing in a final prayer that the rebels would hold true to their principles of fairness, even in love and war. The ground was cool on his cheek, numbing the new bruise forming among the many that already blemished his countenance. The darkness was welcoming, as usual. Quiet, still, not empty enough that he had to think, but not full of _purpose_ and _righteousness_. Just cool, empty… nothingness. He heard footsteps approaching. Felt them in the ground as they grew closer and closer. They stopped beside his prone form and then. Voices. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, letting them slip over him as he faded further and further back into the ocean of cool darkness waiting beneath. Rey. He felt her, almost saw her despite his slipping consciousness. She shone so _bright._ It would burn to touch her, he was sure of that now, but even so something in him reached out. He felt her falter as she recognised it. Small, but perceptible nonetheless. The feet beside him stepped back. Quick and cautious.

_It’s fine. I can’t… I’m not…_

He grasped for words, not finding what he needed. Too tired. He heard her speak. Confident. Reassuring and self-assured. Always so _brave_. Always so _good_. A suitable replacement. Someone they… _she_ deserved. All those hopes, and dreams and expectations could rest on her and he could sink away into the cool comforting nothingness. Not light, not dark just… nothing. He let go as movement resumed around him.

***

‘We need medical!’ Rey called, striding away from the body lying in a pool of black fabric on the ground at the entrance to the base. ‘He’s unconscious. Not a threat.’  
Poe rolled his eyes. ‘We could just leave him…’ He scowled at the man who had caused so much commotion this morning, dragging them all from their makeshift bunks a good twenty minutes before the already early wake up call. Finn snorted beside him as they hurried out of the door to the base, blasters raised, ready for Ren’s usual backup to arrive. A whole fleet of first order ships that were sure to be …

Absent.

The sky above them stood empty, save for a few far off trading vessels making the ever more treacherous journey across the galaxy towards their destination. Heading back into the cave system they were using as a temporary base Finn looked decidedly optimistic. ‘Well whatever he came here for he won’t get it now.’

‘And we have a good bargaining chip for our next skirmish.’ Poe declared, mock triumph filling his voice. Finn’s expression darkened slightly.

‘Yeah, I don’t know about that. With Snoke gone I can’t think of anyone else who would want Kylo Ren involved. He’s powerful, but… You heard what happened with Luke. He’s too volatile. Hux favours a more considered, emotionless approach.’

Poe shrugged. ‘Maybe. Yeah. Could be.’ The conversation trailed off as they entered a central cavern bustling with activity. The few remaining commanders stood murmuring around a projected map of the surrounding system, monitoring any ships that entered, while engineers bustled around the ships parked on the opposite side of the room, restoring the few vessels they had found here to working order. General Leia and Rey stood beside an opening leading off to further caves which housed supplies and, amongst other things, the few small medical caves equipped with whatever they could salvage or cobble together from the supplies they had. A small woman in white, Eri Crischol, a competent medic and the closest thing they had to a doctor, paused to speak to them in hushed tones before hurrying past towards where the engineers worked. Leia, Rey, Finn and Po all watched with varying levels of interest as she argued with one of them for a moment before bustling back in the direction of the medical caves carrying something taken from one of the ships carefully in one hand. Leia shot her a tense smile as she pushed past the two women grumbling about lack of proper equipment. ‘Do what you can. Nobody expects more.’

Eri scowled. ‘I expect more. Even when…’ She looked up, meeting Leia’s eyes, realisation dawning in her own. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean… I should get back.’ Leia laughed, breaking the tension, though the smile didn’t reach her eyes. ‘Thank you. I understand that this is… challenging. For all of us.’ Eri nodded before walking purposefully back into the tunnels and out of sight. Rey took Leia’s hands in hers, squeezed once, and headed over to Finn and Poe. The men looked at each other, and continued a quiet conversation that had never had a true beginning, pretending they hadn’t been watching. ‘... so I said to Rilto that it could never make it anywhere that quickly. Not without physically altering the layout of the galaxy, but as always he was determined to prove… Oh. Hi Rey.’

Poe stopped rambling and raised a hand in greeting. ‘Good day? Quiet? Uneventful?’ Finn elbowed him in the ribs, stopping his line of sarcastic questioning before Rey had a chance to.

Rey stared at him, deliberately taking him at face value. ‘Fairly good. Quite quiet. Relatively eventful though.’ She smirked at him before turning to Finn. ‘I take it no one followed him? I didn’t think so.’ She continued almost as soon as Finn had begun to shake his head. ‘I don’t… I don’t think he’s here as ‘Supreme Leader’,’ she spat the words, disdain obvious in each syllable. ‘He was exhausted.’ She spoke slowly, but didn’t need a response from either of the men beside her, just using them as a willing audience as she tried to sort out her thoughts. ‘And pretty beaten up as far as I can tell… Eri won’t let us in while she works, she says it’s off-putting and she doesn’t want an audience, but he obviously wasn't healthy.’ She was met with quizzical looks when she paused, so she continued, clarifying. ‘The force takes energy but it’s not proportional. I can lift whole ships with it and it takes barely a fraction of the effort it would take to lift them physically. Deflecting bolts from your blasters requires concentration but nowhere near enough to even register for him normally. Whatever happened before he got here, that’s what weakened him. I can’t tell while he’s unconscious. We need to talk.’

‘You need to talk.’ Finn spoke, incredulous. ‘Just like that. A chat. With Kylo Ren, the man who betrayed his family and the rebels to fight with the First Order. Mass murderer Kylo Ren. Most powerful Sith that we know of. You need to talk.’

Rey stared him down, silent for a few minutes before. ‘Yes.’ She turned swiftly and strode off towards the barracks. Finn looked at Po, confused incredulity blanketing his features. Poe just shrugged. ‘Blaster-brained Jedi. Leave her to her wonderings, let's see what we can do.’ They headed towards the group of commanders who were listening as Leia spoke quietly, joining the group halfway through her instructions, as the engineers headed back towards the few beaten up ships they were tasked with turning into a working fleet.

‘…as normal. Nothing has changed aside from the obvious. If he wakes up, we talk, and we go from there. For now, we continue to prepare the salvaged ships and monitor the system. We’re not ready for an attack. I thought we were well hidden, but we can obviously be found so we should be more alert than before. Poe, Finn,’ she turned to them, ‘I take it you found nothing.’

‘Nothing immediately obvious.’ Poe spoke. ‘There’s a trail of footprints leading off into another cave system, presumably he landed there. The ship might be worth finding and retooling if it’s damaged, or just using if it isn’t. I worry that it’s a trap though.’ Leia nodded, considering what he had said.

  
‘Even so, the First Order has far superior tech than us right now. One of their ships would be a huge asset. If you investigate on foot you should be able to move undetected if there is anyone there. Rey thinks he came alone so it’s worth investigating. Poe, can you lead a small team to investigate? Take whoever you need, excluding Rey. I need her here.’

Poe nodded and headed off towards the barracks where some of the pilots and fighters would be playing cards, waiting for something else to happen after the morning’s enormous anti-climax. All that preparation, planned formations, alternate chains of command in case of any losses and the man just deflects everything without fighting back only to collapse in their doorway. The force is more trouble that it’s worth he decided as he passed Rey’s bunk where she sat, meditating, and motioned for three of the bored rebels to follow him. He explained their mission as they headed out, light clothing masking the stiflingly hot plates of body-armour they wore beneath, blasters strapped to their hips while more heavy weapons rested on their backs. Just in case. As they passed back through the central cavern and out towards the open air they saw Finn working beside Rose on one of the ships, while Leia stood once again beside the entrance to the medical caves, waiting. _She doesn’t deserve this._ Resentment and anger blossomed in Poe’s chest again, as it so often did when he thought about Kylo Ren. _Ungrateful little… She deserves better._ He grimaced as he saw her wringing her hands together, then headed out.     

Eri rushed out from the tunnel. ‘He’s conscious. Won’t let me do anything now he’s awake.’ She spoke quickly to Leia in hushed tones as Rey appeared at her elbow. ‘He’s awake.’ Eri looked over to her. ‘I’d noticed.’  
Rey looked at Eri with concern in her eyes. ‘You’re ok?’  
‘He hasn’t hurt me, he just won’t let me near him. Like a sort of… shield. I physically can’t get near him. He hasn’t spoken yet, just won’t accept any medical help.’ Eri shrugged. ‘His loss.’  
‘Hm.’ Rey turned to Leia. ‘So… who’s going to talk to him?’ She asked, unsure. It was easier when it was just her and Kylo. She could get under his skin in moments, use his fascination with her to fuel her own fascination with him. Somehow it was different now they were both physically there. Especially if his mother was there with all the ghosts of their shared past. ‘You go.’ Leia spoke quietly. ‘If he’s as tired as you say he doesn’t have the energy to talk to me right now. I’ll admit I don’t truly know what to say to him either.’ Rey placed a hand on Leia’s shoulder briefly, hoping her relief wasn’t too obvious. ‘Go, child. Try to convince him to accept our help.’  
‘He should drink the liquid from the blue jar if he won’t put the drip back in!’ Eri called after her as she headed down the dimly lit passage towards the medical cave.

‘Rey.’ She heard him in her head before she entered the room.  
‘Kylo.’ She responded coolly, still unsure of where they stood since their last brief meeting, if it could be called that, at the base on Crait. She had closed the door on him then and thought that that would be an end to their friendship, if it could ever have been called that. Compassion for someone who refused so adamantly to grow, or change was exhausting. She sighed and entered the room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the confusion continues and Rey is annoyed at everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote more of this! Surprise. One day left before school so watch this space.

The figure on the table was almost unrecognisable from the man she had last seen kneeling on Crait. The scar trailing from his forehead to his neck was open in patches, revealing something black and synthetic beneath where there should have been blood and bone, skin peeling bloodless and unnatural. As her gazed moved downwards she saw other wounds gaping and seeping on the man’s chest and legs, blood dark against his pale skin, edges blackened and burned; she found herself wishing for clean and unnatural wounds once more. She recognised some as wounds from a blaster, while others seemed less deliberate. The incidental bruises and scrapes she knew all too well from a lifetime of hand to hand combat. She forced herself to look at his face again, shuddering slightly.  
‘I drank the blue liquid.’ He raised his gaze to meet hers, speaking naturally this time though it seemed to drain him further.  
‘You heard Eri?’  
‘I did.’  
Rey grimaced in frustration. ‘So why won’t you let her heal you.’ Her voice remained steady, but her fists clenched by her sides. She didn’t want to care, but somehow she still did. Every time she saw Kylo Ren, she couldn’t help seeing Ben Solo beneath the surface, locked in by his own mistakes and by those of the family that failed him.  
Kylo shifted slightly. ‘It’s better this way. As long as I’m…’ he gestured vaguely, the movement difficult to watch, ‘incapacitated, I’m not a threat. If I’m not a threat then I can say what I need to say. Healing me helps no one.’  
‘Then what?’ Rey set her jaw, frustration still bubbling under the surface, trying to break her steely exterior.  
Kylo scowled. ‘Not to you.’  
‘Leia then.’ She moved back towards the mouth of the cave. ‘I’ll get her.’

‘ _Wait_.’

His voice in her head was ten times stronger than it had been in their actual conversation and she felt the will behind it compelling her to listen. Rey turned back, not under compulsion, but furious that he would try to control her even now.  
‘Sorry.’ He spoke naturally again. ‘Old habits.’ His expression remained the same, but she saw a spark of amusement in his eyes at her reaction.  
‘Why wait? The sooner you say what you need the sooner we heal you and you can betray us and leave.’  
He rolled his eyes. ‘Why heal me if that’s what you predict?’  
‘I…’ Rey paused, esxpression softening as she thought through her options. ‘We don’t kill for the sake of killing.’ She said softly.  
‘You would in battle.’ He retorted.  
‘That’s different. That’s killing for the sake of survival. Killing someone who approaches you peacefully is murder.’ She raised her gaze again to meet his, unflinching even as his eyes flickered away from her accusing stare.  
‘I know.’ He murmured, defenses dropped for a moment before his eyes hardened again. ‘I thought we’d moved beyond childish moralisation in these talks.’  
His blinking grew heavy as she glared, unspeaking. ‘I know what I want to say. I don’t have the words. I need time.’  
Rey sighed. ‘Go to sleep, Kylo. I’ll speak to your mother.’ She left without waiting for a response.  
Kylo waited until after she was gone to take a deep, jagged breath, letting the pain and exhaustion flood his body once more. This had made more sense in the planning. But now? Now he was too tired, too weak to do what he had to. As ever. The sneering voice cut through his thoughts, familiar yet unwelcome. The second voice he had killed to be free, only for it to embed itself further into his mind. He clenched a fist, focussing on the pain in his muscles over any restless thoughts rising unbidden into his head as he let himself slip away into fitful sleep.

Eri looked up sharply from the file she was reading as Rey came back through the tunnels to the main cavern. ‘Well?’  
‘He drank the blue liquid, but he won’t accept any further help right now.’  
‘Ok. Well that’s something. If he wants to heal naturally, let him. It’ll take an age and be agonising but that might not be such a bad thing.’ She laughed bitterly. ‘At least while he’s this weak he’s not a threat.’

Rey nodded. ‘That’s what he said.’

  
‘Smart man.’ Eri spoke thoughtfully ‘I want him moved though.’ She said, tone business-like once more. ‘Equipment is limited and if he isn’t making use of it then I need to keep working on it to make something resembling a functional med bay. I’d rather not have to clamber over the leader of the First Order to achieve that.’  
Rey smiled slightly, the mental image of Eri having to climb onto the table beside Kylo Ren to reach some of the equipment stored in the makeshift med-bay proving to be most amusing.

‘Of course. I’ll ask…’ She stopped, each name she reached for seeming more ridiculous than the last. Nobody here would want to help with this, whether out of fear or on principle. ‘I’ll do it.’ Spotting Eri’s sceptical expression she continued, ‘I can lift him with the force. I’m not planning to drag him across the floor. No matter how tempting that might seem.’  
Eri shrugged. ‘If you don’t _want_ to hurt him I’d advise making sure his neck and right leg are supported.’

  
‘Right. I’ll go see where Leia wants him.’

  
As she approached Leia’s private chambers, Rey heard Poe’s aggravated voice ringing through the tunnel, amplified by the natural architecture of the caverns. ‘I’m not saying that. With all due respect General, you’re too close to this. We need to move him to somewhere secure.’  
‘And we will, Commander.’ Leia’s voice was calm and level, but the last word was clearly stressed, pointing out the power dynamics at play. ‘As soon as he’s stable. As long as he’s too weak to be moved, he’s too weak to cause any trouble.’  
Poe snorted. ‘He’s already causing trouble. We need to know how he found us, and we need to know why he’s here.’  
‘He wants to speak to Leia.’ Rey said, cutting the argument off as she entered the room. ‘But not yet.’ She spoke quickly as Leia made to stand. ‘He’s asleep again for now. Eri says we can move him.’ It was Poe’s turn to stand now, hand subconsciously moving to his blaster. ‘Already? Kriff. If he’s healing that quickly we need to get him somewhere secure and fast.’  
‘He’s not.’ Rey’s blunt words once again put a stop to the sense of urgency filling the room. ‘He just won’t accept anymore help from us. Eri needs the room to fix the equipment in case someone less stubborn gets hurt.’  
Leia shook her head. ‘Stupid boy.’  
Rey pressed her lips together. ‘It’s a tactical thing, I think. The less able he is to harm anyone, the more freedom he has.’

  
Poe snorted. ‘That or he’s too proud to accept help.’  
‘Either way it’s better for us.’ Leia spoke again, expression unreadable. ‘We can change one of the storage caves into a temporary holding cell. They’re close to the med-bay and he’d have to pass through the main cavern to reach anything important. If it makes you happy we can post a guard, but I worry that will do more harm than good.’ She turned to Poe. ‘What do you think? Guard or no?’

  
Poe thought for a moment before answering. ‘My instinct says yes, but… There’s nothing important over there. The main cavern is always occupied, so for now I think that’s good enough. We should make sure there’s at least one combat team working with the engineers. That puts them close enough to that tunnel system if anything does happen. The only issue is Eri.’

  
Leia nodded, pride in her eyes as Poe described the tactics she herself would choose. ‘Eri can look out for herself. If he decides to attack we have to accept that there will be losses, but... Eri is a capable fighter in a room full of nasty medical equipment. If anyone has a chance it’s her.’  
Rey spoke again, breaking the contemplative silence the two officials had slipped into. ‘He’s not here to hurt anyone.’

  
‘Yet.’ Leia counselled. ‘Ben has always been one to act on impulse and emotion. We don’t know where he is mentally, but even if he is here on a peace mission,’ Poe scoffed, but turned it into a cough quickly as Leia raised her eyebrows at him. ‘As I was saying. Even if his intentions are entirely innocent. _Poe I said if_.’ She glared at Poe who shuffled sheepishly. ‘He’s wounded and not accepting help. Infection can lead to fever and we could easily end up dealing with a very sick, very confused, very powerful foe.’

  
Rey nodded, chastened by Leia’s practical approach. ‘So the storage caves. We should clear out the one closest to the medical facilities.’ Leia gestured towards the entry to her chambers, dismissing the two younger rebels.  
As they left the room they parted ways, Poe heading back towards the barracks to collect some of their forces as Rey headed back down the passage towards the medical bay and the storage caves.

She paused by the entrance as she passed, looking in on the now semi-conscious Kylo around whom Eri was buzzing like a fly, cleaning his wounds while he was in no state to stop her. ‘I’m not fixing anything. I’m just trying to stop you getting an infection. Stop whinging.’ She muttered as Kylo grumbled something Rey couldn’t hear. Rey smirked. Eri was never one to dwell on history or on fear when there was work to do. ‘Do what she tells you Kylo, it’ll be easier for everyone in the long run.’

‘You heard her tough guy.’ She heard Eri say as she carried on past. ‘Let me get these wounds cleaned and then I’ll leave you alone. You can go somewhere else to brood and stop cluttering up my med-bay.’

Rey smiled broadly at Eri’s irreverent tone as she reached what she was looking for. A smallish cave filled with a few small boxes. She heard Poe approaching with a few other rebels, and the group got to work clearing it out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia and Kylo have a conversation. Things are not resolved as easily as either hopes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3! I carried on writing! There are vague self-harm themes in this, but not actual self-harm (definition dependent I guess) if that makes sense, but if that's going to cause you any trouble please steer clear. Also reference to murders because murders have happened.

The next few days passed uneventfully. The general bustle of the base seemed more subdued than usual as though the presence of Kylo Ren were a dark cloud hanging over them, but the man himself did nothing to cause alarm, spending the time in silence, either asleep or brooding in the small cave near the medical bay. Rey had stopped in on him a few times, but the conversation had gone in circles, their prisoner seeming preoccupied with his own thoughts.

                                                                                

Leia had stayed away from that side of the cave system entirely, but all who encountered her could see she too was caught up in her own private thoughts, her heart not in the checks and procedures she had to attend to. She sighed and closed the simulation she had been looking at. Turning to look at Finn who stood beside her, helping them to perfect their floor plans for the First Order ships, she smiled warmly. ‘Thank you. I think we’ll leave it here for today. I will admit, I’m finding it difficult to focus right now.’

  
‘Oh. Ok. Yeah of course.’ Finn smiled back, his expression masking the concern they had all been feeling for their esteemed General. He made a mental note to speak to Poe about this as Leia turned without comment and strode towards the system that housed the medical bay, along with her long-lost son.

 

‘He’s asleep.’ Eri told Leia as she swept past.

‘Good.’ Leia said, not breaking her stride as she headed down the corridor. She paused before she rounded the corner that would lead to the cave where he slept. It had been so long since she had seen her son in person, with no glass or battlefield between them. She knew he would be in a bad way, she had read Eri’s report, but reading was far removed from seeing. From being in the same space, hearing his breathing, sensing him close to her once more. She steeled herself and rounded the corner. What struck her first was how _big_ he was. The picture she had of him in her head was still of a tall but gangly teenager, still unsure of what he was doing with his long limbs. Of course, he had grown up, she knew that, but seeing him here reminded her of the years they’d lost.

 

 His hair was longer than it had been at home. It needed brushing right now, if not washing, though that was understandably low on Eri’s priorities when cleaning him up. She couldn’t see the wounds, his body now covered with bandages that Eri had stubbornly applied regardless of the man’s objections and draped with his black cloak. Leia had salvaged that herself as everyone got back to work on the day he had arrived. Telling herself it was practicality and not sentiment when she had taken it down to clean in the hot steamy room which served as a laundry. They didn’t have much to spare. It made sense that they clean and return his clothes rather than try to find others that fit. The smell of blood on it had made her feel ill.

‘Mother.’

His voice was quiet, but it pierced through her thoughts. She looked up, meeting his now open eyes.

 

‘…’

 

Starting to speak, she realised she didn’t know what to call the man in front of her. She yearned to go to him, sit on the side of his bunk and smooth his hair, find a sterile needle and fix up the scar that still hung open, bloodless and unnatural on his face. She wanted to tell him she was sorry, though for what she didn’t know. She wanted to hold him and not let him go this time. She wanted to go back and keep him by her side. She wanted to tell him all of this. She wanted to beg him to come back to her, to relinquish the dark and embrace the light.

 

She stayed silent.

  
He cleared his throat. ‘I… Can you sit somewhere? I think there’s a box. Unless’ he bit his lip, unsure of where they stood. Unsure of what to say. ‘Unless you want to stand. I don’t mean…’

‘I’ll sit.’ She spoke quietly too, and quickly, worried her voice would betray her by quivering, or breaking altogether. Kylo gestured and a box slid across the floor to rest beside the cot that took up most of the small cave. Not close enough for either to reach out and touch the other, Leia noted, but closer than she had been in a long time.   
  
She entered the room fully, testing the box before she sat, just in case. A lot of these boxes were empty now, and not particularly strong. It held under the pressure of her hand. She sat. The box wobbled slightly on the uneven floor as she did so, one corner of the base rising as the other three fell.

Kylo watched her as she sat.

Three corners.

One corner.

Neither knew who should speak first, so they sat in silence; Leia on the unstable box, feet planted to keep it steady; Kylo on the cot too short for his frame, back against the wall.   

  
The air was heavy with words unspoken; pain, blame and longing.  


‘I shouldn’t have sent you away.’ Leia spoke quietly, extending a branch of conversation towards the man who had been her son.

  
‘You had no reason to think…’ He trailed off. ‘You’re not the one who should be apologising.’ He turned away from her, concentrating his gaze on the wall. The words were slow. Painful.

One corner.

Three corners.

Leia shifted on the box, but stayed silent. Kylo Ren had sat injured in a cave for three days thinking in silence. She would listen to what he had to say.  


He cleared his throat again and continued in a low quiet voice. ‘I thought you had died. I saw… Your ship was damaged. You were on the bridge. I _sensed_ you.’ He took a ragged breath, eyes still fixed firmly on the wall beside the bed. ‘The only person I cared about was gone and I could move forward.’

  
He heard Leia shift on the box again.

One corner.

That had sounded wrong, as his words so often did. He pressed his thumb into a wound on his leg, using the pain to centre himself. ‘It was what I thought I wanted. I was wrong.’ He took another breath, beginning to speak more quickly, forcing the words out; ripping off the scab to find whatever was underneath.  
  
‘I was wrong about Han too. I was wrong. Always. About everything.’

  
Leia bit her lip, letting him speak.  
  
‘I heard you were alive and I had to see you. I…’

  
Leia moved the box closer to the cot, reaching out tentatively to place her hand over his. ‘Ben…’

  
As soon as she touched him his head turned to look at their hands, face filled with confusion and discomfort. His hand stayed still beneath hers.

  
‘I don’t deserve that name.’ He said.  
  
‘I deserve to use it, _Ben.’_ She stressed the name gently. ‘I gave you that name. I will not call you Kylo. That…’ She swallowed. ‘That man killed my husband, and he hurt my son.’  
  
Kylo closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the stone wall. ‘I am that man, Mother. Kylo Ren and Ben Solo are the same person. You can’t forgive one and blame the other.’  
  
Leia took her hand back, rubbing her temples. She wanted this to be easy. She wanted this part to be over and for the past to be gone. Water under the bridge. It wasn’t though, and they sat in silence, each searching for words that could make this better.

  
Leia stood up. ‘I’ll be back tomorrow. You’ve given me a lot to think about.’ She paused before turning the corner, speaking softly. ‘I love you.’

  
_I love you too._

  
Kylo hadn’t moved, but she was sure the words were his. They echoed in her head as she made her way back towards the main cavern, and by the time she reached it she was less certain. She couldn’t be sure he had heard her in the first place. A response was even less likely.

  
She could feel everybody staring at her as she made her way back towards her chambers, but didn’t care to share what had transpired. She wasn’t even sure anything had happened, but she was at least sure now that her son was not here to cause further harm, though she couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is sad and angry which comes as a surprise to nobody.

Kylo clenched his fist and the box flew across the room, hitting the wall and shattering into boards and splinters. He looked around the room, furious with himself and with his mother, but found nothing else to destroy. He punched the wall beside him, blood blossoming on his knuckles as he kept on punching, punching, punching, pu…

Eri cleared her throat in the entrance to the cavern. ‘You might want that hand later you know. Probably best not to smash it into too many pieces if you’re going to continue to reject medical help.’  


Ren turned, eyes still blazing. ‘ _Get out.’_ He hissed at her.

  
Eri shrugged. ‘It’s your hand. Try to break it more quietly though ok, I’m trying to work.’

  
‘ _Get. Out.’_ Kylo spat again, fist still pressed against the wall.

Eri raised her hands in mock surrender and left the room, calling behind her ‘I’ll be back with hot water and cloths, so you can clean that up later. I’ll be very upset if it’s broken.’ Her last words echoed down the corridor, her sing-song voice diffusing the some of the tension, making him feel foolish in his rage. He lowered his hand from the wall, letting it scrape painfully on the way down. Recovery was not his main priority right now. He still needed time. He shouldn’t have used the force to move the box. Especially not while his mother had been in the room. He needed to seem powerless. The stronger he was, the more likely they were to post a guard, the more likely he was to do something else he’d regret. Of course, they might ask Rey to watch him, the most sensible plan given that she was the only one who had proved herself a match for him at his most powerful. That wouldn’t be so bad. A fight would be welcome right now; sabres clashing, blood pumping, complete focus on the task at hand; on the next movement that would take him out of danger, give him an advantage.   
  
_You could have that. You just need to stand up, call your lightsabre. They_ trust _you. You’ve crept among them, a wolf among sheep. You could go back a hero. This was your plan all along wasn’t it? That’s all they need to know. You’re smarter than them, and stronger. You don’t need to sit here and_ feel. _It is easier with the First Order. With the Dark. You know that. This won’t work out. She won’t forgive you. You could take the Jedi girl and go back. Go_ home.

_  
_ He shook his head sharply as he felt the dark tugging once again at his soul. ‘No. Not now. Not this time’ He muttered to himself. He ran his thumb roughly across his injured knuckles, ridding himself of the toxic thoughts that tried to tempt him away from his purpose.

‘Hey.’ He looked up. Rey stood in the doorway. ‘Did I wake you?’   
  
He shook his head. ‘I wasn’t asleep.’  
  
‘More thinking?’ She teased lightly.  
  
‘Trying not to.’  
  
‘I felt the dark side. I haven’t felt it here before, not aside from…’ she gestured vaguely to her head, ‘the usual.’ Rey watched his face as she spoke, fears confirmed as it twisted into a scowl.   
  
‘It wasn’t my intention to bring it here.’ He glanced across at the broken box. ‘I was preoccupied. I’m trying to…’ His scowl deepened. ‘It doesn’t matter.’  
  
‘It does.’ Rey met his eyes, chasing his gaze as it tried to flicker away. ‘I wasn’t accusing you of anything. I was worried. I spoke to Leia,’ alarm filled his features and Rey smiled gently. ‘Not about that. Earlier, after you spoke to her. She’s… confused, I think. She wants everything to be ok.’  
  
Kylo nodded. ‘It isn’t though.’ He paused, deciding how much to share before continuing. Rey knew everything else about him, why not this too. ‘I thought if I apologised things could be… normal between us. But there isn’t a normal to go back to and she can’t bring herself to forgive me. I don’t know if we can be ok.’  
  
Rey nodded slowly, thinking. Despite their history things had always been easy between her and Ben… Kylo… whatever he was called. When they were angry with each other they fought or shouted at each other then and there. There was no long and drawn out history of failure and betrayal, real and imagined. No grudges held for years on end. She was acutely aware that this was not her fight, but she couldn’t help wishing she could do something to help. She was in a unique position as somebody who cared about both Kylo and Leia; maybe the only person in the galaxy who did. She should be able to do something.  
  
‘Maybe… Maybe you both just need time. An apology is a good first step.’ She finished lamely, aware that the platitude was not welcome. ‘Sorry.’ She grimaced. As annoyed at herself as Kylo surely must be. She looked over to the cave entrance, hearing footsteps a little way off, but getting closer.

Kylo heard them too, lowering his voice to a hiss, urgent but not accusatory. ‘I don’t have time. I’m healing, and once I’m better they’ll start to make plans for what to do with me, and whatever they decide is best, I assure you I will not have easy access to my mother.’ The implication in his words hung heavy in the air.   
  
Rey hadn’t thought about what would happen once he was better, but she was sure there would be arguments and opinions to contend with. It would be agreed upon that Kylo Ren was too dangerous to be allowed freedom, but then what? They had no means to keep him captive, not really. She could stand guard, but the two were evenly matched. She couldn’t guarantee that he would be secure under her guardianship, not that he seemed to have any escape plans. That wouldn’t matter to the others though. Then what?   
  
‘You know what.’ Ren said darkly, expression difficult to read.   
  
Rey looked at him. ‘Get out of my head.’  
  
‘Sorry. It wasn’t intentional. Your thoughts were…’ he twisted his lips together. ‘loud.’  
  
Rey shook her head. ‘Yours are hardly quiet. We don’t execute people.’ She said bluntly. ‘I don’t know exactly what will happen, but that’s not an option.’  
  
Kylo scoffed. ‘Ok. We’ll wait and see how quickly the idea is brought up once discussion turns to how to contain me.’  
  
Rey shook her head frustrated. ‘Stop looking forward. Deal with what’s happening now, not what might happen somewhere down the line.’  
  
He looked at her again, eyes softer than before. ‘Sorry. I’m frustrated. It’s not your fault. Thank you for trying to help.’ The words seemed bitter in his mouth, but he knew they should be spoken.  
  
‘It’s ok.’

And it was. Just like that. Forgiveness was easy for Rey, and communication between them had always been easy, if not always simple.   
  
Eri arrived in the doorway, laden with a basin, a few jugs of water and some scrap cloth. ‘Rey. I thought I heard talking. Kind of just assumed you were being crazy again,’ she looked at Kylo who scowled at her, but there with none of the usual venom. ‘Your hand needs cleaning. Truth be told the rest of you could probably do with a wash too if you’re up to it. I can help if you need me.’  
  
Kylo shook his head. ‘I can do it.’   
  
‘Right. There should be enough cloth there for you to re-bandage anything that needs it once you’re done. If you leave the old ones together then I’ll collect them and we can re-use them. Use the water quickly or it’ll get cold.’ With that she turned to leave.  
  
Once Eri was gone, Rey stood up from the ground where she had been sitting. ‘I’ll leave you to it then.’ She waved towards the water jugs and the basin. ‘You’re sure you can do it on your own.’ Kylo nodded, wincing slightly as he turned so his feet hit the floor beside the bed, and stood for the first time in what was now nearly a week. He stumbled slightly but caught himself against the wall. Rey reached out to help but he shook her off. ‘Stop worrying.’ He grumbled before standing shakily once more, as if to prove to her that he could. ‘Go, then.’ He spoke again, the strain of both speaking and standing clearly enormous.   
  
Rey moved back towards the arching entrance of the cave and pulled back the makeshift curtain to leave the room. ‘You can contact me, if you do need help. With the force. Just… Don’t hurt yourself anymore ok. Your mother would be cross with Eri if you managed to get hurt any worse and that’s not fair to Eri.’  
  
Kylo raised his eyebrows as she left the room before he could respond before shaking his head and beginning to peel off the bandages Eri had managed to apply while he had been asleep.

Rey paused outside, listening, wanting to be sure he was ok. After hearing the water pouring into the basin and two soft thuds that she assumed were Kylo kneeling beside it she moved on, stopping to let Eri know that Ren had managed to stand unaided.

She headed back into the main cavern to find Finn and Poe, along with a small group of rebels who had returned from their mission to find Kylo’s ship. She nodded in greeting and followed them across to where Leia stood, ready to hear the debrief.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Business continues as usual. Kylo decides to venture out of his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this chapter is short, but I needed to stop it there for now. I know where we're going now so the quality might improve...

‘We found a TIE fighter, pretty far out from the base. Mostly unsalvageable, but we grabbed some cloaking technology from it. Nothing else there of note.’ Poe handed the cloaking augment over to Leia who gave the small metal box a once over.

‘Good find nonetheless. This will be useful.’ She looked up at him again. ‘Anything else?’

Poe shook his head. ‘Looks like he came here directly from the ship. The footprints were fairly consistent, if a little shaky.’

‘He knew where the base was then.’ Leia’s voice was steady and controlled. ‘That doesn’t bode well.’

‘We could just ask.’ Finn spoke up, having stayed silent for the main part of the debrief. He glared at Poe when he snorted. ‘Shut up. He’s been happy enough to talk to Rey right? She seems to think he’s here to talk anyway.’

‘He is.’ Leia’s voice was quieter now, tinged with sadness. ‘I don’t think I should go back right now.’

Finn shrugged. ‘We could ask Rey.’

‘I worry about her becoming too close to him. He can be…’ Leia paused searching for a word. ‘Mercurial.’

Finn looked to Poe who shrugged back. ‘No idea.’ He mouthed.

Leia chuckled quietly. ‘Changeable. Unpredictable. _Volatile_.’ The small smile disappeared with the last word.   
Poe moved to put a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off. ‘I’m being foolish. Dwelling on the past. I’m sorry that this has become your problem as well as mine. Too many people have been dragged into this.’

Finn gestured around the base. ‘Everyone here chose this. People came willingly, you didn’t drag anyone into.’  
‘I dragged Ben into it. He didn’t ask to be involved in any of this, he was just born.’ She said, a dark expression haunting her features for a moment.

‘He’s asked for plenty since then. Taken enough too.’ Poe spoke brusquely, hoping to snap Leia out of this mood. ‘How do we proceed with this?’  
‘I… Leave it with me. I need to speak with Rey.’ Leia’s tone suggested that the thought was still not far from her mind, but the conversation was over. Poe and Finn wandered off murmuring to each other as Eri exploded from the narrow passage, one hand still clasping her blaster, the other rubbing her throat.

  
Minutes earlier in the small room he had been given, Kylo Ren sat on the edge of his bed, contemplating his situation and his plan, or lack thereof. Running his thumbnail back and forth over his lower lip, he half-heartedly lifted the boards in the corner of the room, stacking them and unstacking them. He stopped as a thought struck him. The boards fell. _I didn’t apologise_. He had admitted guilt, but his mother had known he was guilty already, of course she had. She knew he felt it because she and Rey were close, but… he hadn’t said ‘I’m sorry,’ hadn't made it clear enough how he felt. He rose shakily and turned towards the entrance, strides filled with purpose as he walked down the narrow passage.

  
Eri whacked the top of a scanner with the wrench in her hand and shook her head as still nothing happened. She glanced at the mess of wires hanging out of the back. Wait, of course it wasn’t working, she hadn’t…. footsteps in the hall. Coming from further into the system of caves, not from the main cavern. She racked her brain. Nobody had been to visit Ren since Rey had left an hour or so ago, which meant… She span and moved swiftly towards the doorway, blaster drawn. Waiting beside the door she peered around the corner. _Ren_. He had no weapon yet, so she pocketed her blaster, but didn’t let it go. Rounding the corner, she stood in the middle of the concourse, blocking his path. ‘Heading somewhere?’ Her tone was light, but her gaze stayed hard.

  
Kylo didn’t stop.

  
She cleared her throat.

  
‘Stop.’

  
He kept walking.

  
She drew her blaster and aimed it. ‘I need you to stop.’

His pace remained steady.

  
‘Kylo Ren, I am ordering you to stop or I will shoot you. I know where you’re injured I could finish this pretty quickly. I don’t want to but you’re giving me n…’ Her words became choking sounds as Ren raised his hand and her feet left the floor. Her throat tightened, and she was suddenly unable to breath, let alone continue to chastise the man in front of her.

  
‘Do not presume to think that I am helpless, _doctor_. I have my own reasons for being here and I do not need you to accomplish them. I have tolerated you flapping around me when I didn’t need help, but I _will not suffer threats_.’

  
Her feet hit the ground once more and her airways cleared. She stumbled, staring at the man in front of her. She hadn’t heard this tone from him before. She’d found it hard to believe that the man in front of her was the same one who had kidnapped members of the resistance, almost killed Finn, killed countless resistance members both directly and through his minions. Killed his own father. She believed it now. Eyes wide, she stood up, turned and ran towards the main cavern, praying she would make it before he decided to silence her for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry gang he had been too nice. I was less tired and stressed when I was writing last week what can I say. My dark side is showing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo learns a lesson in consequences. Rey is starting to get sick of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go. I'm going to try and do 2 chapters/weekend so this keeps going until I've actually finished a story (a first for me and fanfiction - call it a new years resolution).

Kylo watched Eri run from him, feeling a familiar sickness in the pit of his stomach. He let himself fall back against the tunnel wall, drained, and slid down. That was it then, he had ruined his chances of any kind of rational conversation. He was an idiot. The plan was half-arsed from the beginning, but he’d never been one to play the long game. Act now, think later had always been his way of doing things so of course this hadn’t worked out. _Too much like your father._ The thought hit him like a truck and he put his face in his hands, heels of his palms on his temples, closed his eyes and waited for the temporary peace he had found to crumble around him.

As soon as they saw Eri running from the tunnel, Finn and Poe pulled out their blasters and headed in. Leia ran to meet Eri, letting the woman fall against her. ‘What happened?’ She spoke quietly but her tone was urgent.  
‘He was out of his cell. I told him to stop but he didn’t listen so I pulled my blaster. Still didn’t stop,’ Eri spoke as quickly as she could, but her breath was ragged, still unrecovered from Kylo’s assault. ‘Told him I’d shoot if he didn’t and he…’ she gestured to her throat ‘said he wouldn’t suffer threats. Stronger than I thought, shouldn’t have helped him recover, I was stupid.’  
Eri made to go on but Leia shushed her. ‘ _I_ was stupid. Naïve. I’m too close to this.’ She helped Eri to a seat and rose once again. ‘Rest. Finn and Poe have gone in already, I need to send Rey.’  


‘What’s the plan?’ Finn muttered as he and Poe rounded yet another corner in the twisting tunnel to find nothing.  
‘Find him. Shoot him before he can do anything.’ Poe responded, stony-eyed. ‘He’s been given enough chances.’  
‘Sounds good. We don’t actually know what happened though. ’  
Poe pause for a second. ‘Don’t shoot to kill.’ He conceded, ‘Just, you know, seriously injure.’  
Finn nodded and they rounded the next corner to see Kylo sitting on the ground, back against the wall.

Poe lifted his blaster and shot. Finn stayed back, blaster trained on Ren’s head, waiting for a response. Kylo winced and turned to face them as the bolt hit his knee. ‘I deserved that.’

‘What happened?’ Finn asked, blaster still trained on the man in front of them.

‘If you’re going to shoot me again get it over with.’

Poe put down his blaster and kicked Ren’s injured knee. ‘Answer the question.’

Hissing in pain and grabbing his knee Kylo spoke through gritted teeth. ‘I was going to find my mother, I was focussed on walking without falling and I acted on impulse. I didn’t hurt her I just scared her.’

Poe raised an eyebrow. ‘Looked to me like she was hurt, Ren.’

Kylo’s scowl deepened. ‘Not permanently. It wasn’t my intent…’

‘How dare you!’ Rey rounded the corner, fury painting her every feature. ‘We were helping you. I _trusted_ you. Leia _trusted_ you and you betrayed us. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t decapitate you right here _.’_

Kylo lifted his gaze from the floor at which he had been resolutely staring since Rey walked in. He noted his lightsaber in her hand. ‘You haven’t made your own saber yet.’

‘Irrelevant. Keep talking.’

‘I can show you how.’

‘Not good enough.’

‘It wasn’t a direct response to your question. Just information. I could tell you now and then you can kill me if that’s your plan.’

Rey scowled. ‘Stop. Look at me. Explain yourself.’

‘I was halfway through explaining when you came into this and threatened to decapitate me.’

Rey glanced round at Poe and Finn who shuffled awkwardly. Finn spoke up. ‘Yeah, he uh. Poe shot him and then he was explaining. Rey’s eyes widened. ‘You shot him?’

Poe shrugged. ‘Seemed like the right thing to do at the time.’

Rey looked at Ren. ‘That’s why you’re on the floor?’

‘It’s why I’m _still_ on the floor.’ His tone was almost sulky now, a far cry from the commanding tone he had used to frighten Eri. ‘I acted without thinking. She threatened to shoot me, it was a reflex.’

Rey shook her head. ‘Poe shot you. I just threatened to cut your head off. Where are your reflexes now?’

‘I’m thinking now. Eri… interrupted me. I wasn’t expecting to run into anyone.’

‘Where were you going anyway. You’re not supposed to be out of your room.’

‘I was going to find my mother.’

‘Why?’

Kylo glanced at Finn and Poe who stood watching the exchange, blasters still trained on him. ‘I..’

He stopped. ‘I’m not going to do anything. I’d appreciate it if you put the blasters away.’

Rey rolled her eyes and turned back to Finn and Poe. ‘You guys can go. I’ll deal with it from here. Send Eri in if she’s ok with that. We’re going to get back to his room and talk.’ She pocketed Ren’s lightsaber and moved towards him. He pulled back slightly, unable to go far with his injured knee. She glared at him.

‘You need help. Unless you plan on staying here on the floor.’

He scowled but let her help him up, using her shoulder as support as they limped down the tunnel.

‘I realised I hadn’t apologised. Not properly. I needed to find her.’

‘Right.’

‘I didn’t say it was a good idea. ‘

‘No.’

She dumped him unceremoniously on the bed. ‘I want answers.’ She folded her arms and stood over him as he began to examine his wounded knee. She batted his hand away. ‘That’ll keep. Answers.’

‘I had a change of heart when I heard my mother was alive, picked a fight so I was injured enough not to be a threat to you and crashed my fighter to be sure. I knew you at least would be willing to listen. I hoped my mother would be..’  
  
‘Nerf-shit. You would have felt her die.’

‘My revered Uncle?’ Kylo looked up. Of-course she’d know he was lying, she would have felt when Luke Skywalker sanctimoniously shuffled off this mortal coil.

‘Yeah.’ Her expression softened for a moment. ‘It was something new. Strange.’

Ren cleared his throat, not interested in following this line of conversation. ‘Ok. I didn’t have a revelation when I realised my mother was alive. The rest is true.’

‘Why lie about that then?’

‘Lying comes naturally. It smooths things over, makes things easier for everyone. You can blame that on both Snoke and Han Solo.’

‘Right.’ Rey’s voice betrayed her anger and disappointment as she turned to leave. ‘I’ll come back tomorrow. Someone will come with bandages, but you can deal with it yourself.’


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eri is pretty cool and/or rash and Kylo doesn't understand humans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Friday! Hooray! This chapter is slightly filler-y and also contains description of medical stuff (un-researched so sorry if it's way off base!). I really like Eri though so this is what you get.

Eri had never been one to wallow. ‘Best way to deal with fear is to face it head on.’ She stated clearly, standing before a small group of people with her arms filled with bandages. ‘I’ll be damned if I let _Kylo Ren_ stop me from doing my job. You can scowl all you want Poe Dameron, I am old enough to be your mother and I am taking these bandages to my patient.’

‘Eri, I wonder if it might be wiser to…’

‘Nope.’ Eri interrupted Leia as she attempted to bring order to the situation. ‘I’m going. If it makes you feel better I’ll take a walkie so I can get in touch if anything happens.’

‘I’ll come with you.’ Rey spoke up, sounding as though that was the last thing in the world that she wanted.

‘It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m going.’ She spoke slowly and clearly, leaving no room for argument as she left the cavern and headed towards Ren’s cell.

‘I’m here to bother you with medical care again. If you’ll tolerate me ‘flapping around’ some more as you so graciously put it.’

Kylo cleared his throat, lip curling in distaste on hearing his own words used against him. He tried to adjust his position on the bed to avoid Eri’s critical eye, but stopped suddenly, drawing in a sharp breath through his teeth. Eri rolled her eyes. ‘Stay still, let me look.’  She approached the bed confidently, but stopped short of touching the man in front of her. ‘I can look past your little tantrum if that’s what you want. I do need to know that you’re not going to try and kill me if I look at your leg.’

‘I’m not going to do anything.’ Kylo spoke quickly, almost visibly squirming under her gaze.

‘Well I need you to do some things. More to do with elevating that wound, less wielding unimaginable power.’ Eri needled, watching his face carefully to judge where the line was.

Kylo raised an eyebrow. ‘Right.’ He tried again to move on the bunk, gritting his teeth against the pain as he forced himself into the corner, back against the wall.

Eri nodded. ‘That’s a start. I’ll be back in a minute.’ She bustled out of the room, leaving Kylo alone for a few moments. He rested his head against the cool stone of the cave wall and closed his eyes, mind racing. He had made a huge error, he knew that. He _needed_ them to trust him, or to at least be open to the possibility of one day trusting him. Eri was… Eri was confusingly ok with what had happened. He hadn’t expected her forgiveness and it was… strange. The others were not, the steady pulsing pain in his knee was testament to that. Kriff. He needed to think of something to tell Rey but he couldn’t focus right now. The pain filling his mind and body which would usually be a welcome break from the cacophony in his head was an inconvenience he could do without today. He opened his eyes as Eri came back in, nodding a greeting.

‘Can you lift your leg?’ Eri got straight down to business, sitting on the edge of the bed holding what appeared to be a block of wood wrapped in a variety of blankets and spare uniforms. Kylo stayed silent, effort clear on his face. His leg didn’t move. He scowled, and extended an arm, lifting his useless limb with the force. Eri slotted the block beneath his knee and he lowered it on top. Producing a small knife Eri got to work cutting away the cloth from around the wound before starting to clean it.

‘Rey said I would be doing this alone.’ Kylo spoke after a few minutes, surprising Eri who had settled into a busy silence.

Eri smirked. ‘I considered that option. Knees are tricky though. Pretty sure you had people to fix you up with the First Order, so you’d only make it more of a mess in the long run.’

‘Machines mostly, but yes.’ Ren watched her work as she carefully cleaned around the injury before moving on to remove any fibres that had been blasted into the wound itself.

‘Uhuh, well most of our ships were blown up so our equipment is fairly basic. You get me and whatever I can pinch from the laundry room.’ She didn’t look up as she spoke, concentrating intently.

‘I wasn’t complaining.’

‘No, you’re not really in a position to object.’ Eri looked up. ‘I’m going to sterilise it now, but that’s pretty much just going to consist of me pouring alcohol onto your leg. Wanted to give you some warning first.’

‘Why?’

She narrowed her eyes. ‘It’s going to be pretty painful.’

‘I can deal with pain. Why are you being so… considerate?’

Eri shrugged, pouring the alcohol from her flask onto the man’s injury. She saw his fists clenching and unclenching as the alcohol burned his lacerated skin. She waited until the worst of it seemed to have passed before proceeding with bandages. ‘I don’t see the good in holding a grudge. Caution is another matter, but I figured since Poe survived shooting you, I’d be fine to fix you up.’

Kylo Ren shook his head. ‘No, you were,’ he paused reaching for a word ‘kind when I first arrived too.’

Eri snorted. ‘You were barely alive when you got here, I don’t kick people when they’re down. I’ll give you a couple of months to get back to full health and then I’ll have a few choice words I’m sure.’ She gestured to his knee. ‘Keep it on the block for tonight so it doesn’t bend, and I’ll come back in the morning. I don’t have painkillers, but I can offer you some of this.’ She held the flask out, offering him a swig of her personal stash. He shook his head. ‘Suit yourself. Try and sleep.’ She held his gaze for a moment, pleased to see how uncomfortable he was with this sustained eye contact. She smiled to herself as she left the cell, pleased to have gained the upper hand once more.  She bumped into Finn who was waiting around the corner. ‘Here to spy on me Finn?’

‘I was staying close in case you needed me.’ Finn answered, moving his jacket aside to show the blaster. Eri nodded.

‘I am quite capable of dealing with children myself. I wouldn’t worry too much on my accord.’ She smiled at him. ‘He needs me right now. My guess is he needs all of us, or he wouldn’t be here trying to make amends.’ Finn nodded, choosing to stay out of this particular situation as much as possible. The few times he’d even been close to Ren had not gone well for him. He followed Eri as she walked back down the corridor and into the main cavern.

‘Well I survived. Not even a scratch which is more than I can say for him.’ She glared at Poe who looked back, unapologetic. ‘Try to avoid shooting my patients in future ok?’

Poe smirked. ‘That’ll depend on the patient. I’m not making promises when it comes to your current  ward.’

Eri sighed. ‘Right. Make my life harder why don’t you.’ She rolled her eyes exaggerating her exasperation and sat down beside the small group of pilots playing cards. ‘Deal me in.’


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia's life is hard and Rey is too pure.

Leia stood in the arch, looking out of the cave system at the figure standing in the midst of the stony wastes. She watched silently for a moment as the figure span and twirled, flashes of red sparking from the weapon in her hand as she moved through drills and poses. Leia swallowed; the lightsabre unsettled her, even without the baggage of its history. It was _wrong._ She felt its instability like a punch in her gut and suddenly there was no air in her lungs. Her knees felt weak and she stumbled, righting herself. She sat on a large flat rock beside the entrance and took several deep breaths. _It’s just a lightsaber. Just a weapon like the blaster in your pocket._ She shook her head slightly, trying to rid herself of the queasy sensation as Rey approached, blade still ignited in her hand.

‘General! Are you ok?’ Rey dropped to one knee before Leia when she reached the older woman, extinguishing the blade and dropping the empty hilt to the ground. Leia swallowed again, the wave of nausea passing as the blade went out. ‘I’m ok. His lightsaber is… It has an unpleasant energy. It caught me off guard.’ Rey looked down at the hilt on the ground. She felt it too, but it wasn’t something she let distract her. She made do. She needed to train, and this was what she had. In a way she was grateful that Ren had brought it; that she had a chance to practise with a blade again.

‘Oh.’ She murmured, the significance of the blade hitting her. ‘Sorry. I’ll train with my quarterstaff in future.’

Leia smiled softly and shook her head. ‘It’s fine. You should train with a lightsaber. I’d appreciate it if you could turn it off if I come to speak with you.’ Rey nodded,

‘Of course.’ She lifted the hilt from the ground and stowed it back within her robes. ‘What did you need to speak with me about.’

Leia cleared her throat. ‘Ben, actually.’

Rey rose from the ground and settled herself beside Leia. ‘Oh?’

‘Rey, I want to make it clear that he is not your responsibility. I know you have a connection, of sorts, but… Ben is a very troubled man. I don’t know where my responsibility lies in all this, but I know that yours is to both yourself and the resistance. It’s not to him.’

‘I…’ Rey went to speak, but Leia shushed her.

‘Please, Rey. I don’t know if I could stand to see you hurt because I was too caught up in my own problems.’

Rey met Leia’s eyes. ‘I don’t know that anyone would have cause to call you selfish. You’ve given your whole life in service to the galaxy. And as for Ben I…’ She paused, choosing her words carefully. ‘I think I do have a responsibility. To you and to the galaxy. I just… He’s still conflicted. If I can do something I should. And if I can’t,’ her expression darkened ‘If I can’t then I’m the only one who can stop him, right?’ I, uh… I wish I wasn’t.’

Leia nodded, a pained expression on her face. ‘I wish you weren’t. I wish he wasn’t… I wish a lot of things. They still don’t change. I need to know that you’re not going to get hurt.’

Rey shrugged. ‘I might though. And so might you, and any of us. Even without him we’re at war. People get hurt.’

Leia nodded, the wisdom from someone so much younger than her cutting to her core. ‘Your right. Personal issues aside, this is what it is. Be careful though. She extended an arm around Rey’s shoulder. ‘You have no idea how important you are, Rey. To all of us.’

Rey smiled and rested her head on Leia’s shoulder. ‘Thank you. I’m still going to try and save him though.’

‘I know.’ Leia said quietly, a sad smile crossing her features as she remembered how it felt to be so young and idealistic; everything in black and white and hope like a beacon in front of her. Everything had sunk into shades of grey as she had grown older. She sighed and held the girl close. They sat in silence for a while before Leia rose. ‘I’ll let you get back to your training.’ Rey nodded and followed suit, heading back out into the wastes, igniting the lightsaber as she went back to her drills.

Leia walked back into the system of caves, Eri falling in beside her as she walked into the main cavern and headed towards the barracks. ‘You ok?’

She smiled back at Eri. ‘I’m fine. Everyone is very concerned about my wellbeing today. You know I’ve been dealing with this for almost ten years.’

‘Yeah. He’s on the same planet as you at the moment though, which is new.’

‘I still don’t quite know that he is.’ Leia deflected. ‘Can we discuss something else, Eri. I’ve discussed Ben quite enough for one lifetime, and that was just this morning. I’d prefer a distraction.’

Eri laughed. ‘Ok, sure. Well I’ve put together the medical equipment we have and done inventory. There are still a couple of things that I have no idea about if you want to come and take a look. I found manuals for all but 2 machines so we’re pretty well equipped now, unless we have more than 6 people injured at once.’

‘Given our current numbers if we have more than 6 people injured we have bigger issues anyway.’ Leia responded as they changed course, heading for the med bay. ‘I’ll take a look and see if I can help, I don’t know that I’ll be of any use to you though. Machines were more Han’s thing, though I…’

She was interrupted by a cry from down the hall. She froze. The cry was followed by a crash, and then the machinery started to rattle. Eri moved towards the entrance, but Leia put up a hand to stop her. ‘I’ll go.’ She left the room and headed further into the system, towards Ben’s room.

He sat on the bed, knee raised on something Eri had clearly put together in moments. His long form was folded almost in half, head in his hands as he drew long ragged breaths. She walked swiftly across the room, kneeling beside the bed.

‘Ben,’ she spoke softly, keeping her hands together to stop herself from reaching out.

He looked up, eyes bloodshot and wild, hair stuck to his face with sweat. He wiped his eyes fiercely, sitting up against the wall.

In the med bay the rattling stopped.

‘Are you ok?’ Leia asked, her voice still soft. The words felt futile and empty as soon as they left her mouth and she silently cursed herself for asking the question.

Her son stayed silent for a minute, still breathing slowly and deliberately. He cleared his throat. ‘I had a nightmare.’ The words took her back to twenty years ago, sitting up with him through the night as he shook against her in fear of something she hadn’t recognised until it was too late.

She smiled sadly at him. ‘I’ll listen if you want to talk.’ Her words extended to him across the chasm between them and she willed him to respond.

‘It was.. I don’t remember. I feel like I’m drowning.’ He spoke quietly, avoiding eye contact, but for a moment she looked and saw her baby again, not the man he had grown to be. She disentangled her fingers from each other and reached out, placing her hand over his.

He flinched at her touch but didn’t move his hand. She curled her fingers beneath his and squeezed his hand gently. He looked down at their hands, bewilderment painting his features.

‘You’re safe here.’ Leia rubbed her thumb back and forth across the back of his hand. His expression darkened again.

‘We both know that’s not true.’ He spoke quietly, pulling his hand away. He turned away from her. ‘I’m fine. I’m not going to cause anymore earthquakes. You can leave.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok the lightsaber thing is almost certainly nonsense but I don't have that book Rian Johnson has to look up force stuff so I'm winging it. I promise this will be Reylo eventually. We're just going really slowly.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia and Kylo talk some more.

Leia stood beside the cot, stretching her aching legs. Kneeling had been a bad call. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’ 

Kylo turned back to her scowling. ‘Then sit down. You’re hovering.’

She nodded and sat on the edge of the bed. Noting how tense her proximity seemed to make him she shuffled forward a little, leaving a deliberate gap between them. ‘Drowning, huh?’

He looked down. Had he said that out loud? He’d been so shaken by yet another dream filled with the memories of his own evil playing over and over. He needed to be more careful with his words. He couldn’t let her in, she didn’t need that burden. He’d been burden enough to her over the years.  ‘I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what you want.’

‘What do _you_ want?’ She asked gently, willing the temporary peace between them to remain, desperately wishing it could have come sooner.

He shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter. I asked you.’

She sighed. ‘You know you sometimes have to give a little away to get what you need.’ It was a lesson she had learned early on in her diplomatic career, but one her son had never seemed to grasp. Ben had always been more like his father that way, getting what he wanted through sheer force of personality.

He met her eyes and she saw the fear behind them, and the rage. That was still there then, still waiting to erupt and dig him further into the pit he had already dug himself. She wasn’t surprised, she had expected nothing else. He looked away, shy beneath her gaze. ‘You don’t think I’ve given enough? I’m here. I’m incapacitated. I…’ He clenched and unclenched his fist on the bed between them, ‘I said I was wrong. I admitted my mistakes and I’m sorry.’

Leia shook her head. ‘With all due respect, Ben, you’re still not being honest with me. With any of us. I don’t believe that you would give up your position, your _power_ because of some sudden revelation. I’m sorry but that’s not something I can accept.’

His fists clenched tight and he gritted his teeth to stop the words forming in his mind from spilling out. How _dare_ she? How could she not see the sacrifices he had made? How did she not see how he had reduced himself to come and grovel to her and her blasted resistance? Even without that she was his mother. It was her job to love him unconditionally and to accept him for what he was. _She sent you away. She never loved you unconditionally, she wanted you to change. She made you into this. Her and her brother. They were never your true family. You are the heir to the power of Vader himself, you can do whatever you…_

‘No.’ He spat. Leia rose and stepped back from the bed, but he waved a hand. ‘Not you.’ He screwed his eyes shut and took a deep breath in. He pressed his fist into the wall and twisted, feeling the stone tear and scrape the skin on his knuckles. He focussed his mind on the pain and breathed slowly and steadily. ‘You don’t get to do that anymore. You’re gone. I know what I am doing and it is my choice. My path.’

Leia walked quietly to the doorway to the cell. This strange ritual seemed somehow… private. She felt she was intruding on something deeply personal. She turned to leave, but stopped when she heard him speak again. ‘Mother?’ His voice was level now, and she could hear shame in it. ‘I’m sorry. That was… sorry.’ He let his hand drag down the wall and fall back onto the bed. Leia winced at the dark stains it left.

She walked back over to the bed and grabbed his injured hand before he could object. Dipping the edge of her robe into the glass of water by his bed she began to gently clean the grit and dirt from the graze. Still looking down at his hand she spoke quietly. ‘You’re still hearing Snoke.’ It wasn’t a question, but he answered anyway.

‘I don’t think it’s him, not really. Just memories, or…’

‘The dark.’ She stopped cleaning the wound, dropping the corner of her robe but keeping hold of his hand. She rubbed her thumb gently across it, just below the scrape. ‘But you’re fighting it.’

He looked down at their hands. ‘I’m fighting something. I don’t know if it’s the dark or just myself. I’m not…’ He took a deep breath. This would be hard for her to hear, but he couldn’t let her rest her hopes on him again. ‘I’m not coming back to be a jedi and fight with the resistance. I don’t know how to ‘come back to the light,’ I’m just trying to not to let the dark consume me.’

She looked at him, her son with his flair for the dramatic and his black and white world; something close to amusement danced in her eyes. ‘That’s not what I expected from you. For now, being here is enough. I would like to know what you are planning on doing.’ She lifted his hand in hers and pressed a kiss onto the injured knuckles. ‘You can let me know once you work that out. I was supposed to be helping Eri when you distracted me with your nightmares.’

His lips twisted into a weak smile. ‘I’ll try to be quieter.’

Leia sighed. ‘Try to sleep peacefully.’

The smile slipped again. ‘Yeah. I’ll try.’

Leia left the room, a smile playing around her lips. He was trying. It wasn’t much but to her it was everything. It was _hope._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this is just fluff, but I'm a big marshmallow so that's what you get.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out what went down in the first order and why Kylo left.

_10 days earlier._

Kylo Ren strode purposefully down the corridor of the ship, his focus on the door ahead, not on the  positions of the troopers, workers and droids who stood between it and him. If they were unwise enough to remain in his path they would be the ones to suffer. As supreme leader his business was the most important and they knew well enough to let him pass. Reaching the bridge, he was met with the welcome sight of two of his knights. They inclined their heads in a small bow as he entered and he responded in kind. ‘Onan. Cerid.’ He greeted them in turn, nodding to each. ‘You returned late last night. I was expecting you in the morning. What happened?’ He spoke quietly, working to maintain a neutral tone. It would be foolish to show how much he had missed the force users that stood before him; missed having people to train alongside him, people who at least presented some challenge when they sparred. He glanced around the bridge, which was bustling with quiet activity. ‘Follow me. We will continue this somewhere more private.’ He turned and swept back down the corridor towards one of the receiving rooms they had prepared for any future diplomatic activities. Onan and Cerid had been travelling for some time and would appreciate the comforts afforded by a larger ship. Entering the room, Cerid and Onan removed their helmets and glkoves. Onan began removing his boots, much to the disdain of both Kylo and Cerid.  

 ‘You missed us then, _Supreme leader?’_ Cerid stressed the words as she spoke, acknowledging the changes that had occurred since they had last spoken. Kylo felt a kernel of pride warm the pit of his stomach. He had achieved much in the time it had taken for them to travel to, and return from the outer rim.

He quirked an eyebrow, noticing both Cerid and Onan examining the scar that trailed down the left side of his face as he did. ‘Hardly. I had plenty to occupy me. You haven’t answered my question.’

Onan sighed. ‘Ok. We were delayed in our outward journey, tailed by a series of ships. We diverted our course and took them out in uninhabited space but it slowed us down.’

‘And,’ Cerid interjected, ‘Onan spent a considerable amount of time indulging himself on Belsavis under the guise of information gathering. He seemed fairly convinced that Corellian prostitutes were our best source of information.’

Kylo scowled, fixing Onan with a piercing gaze. ‘Is this true?’

Onan shifted his weight to an elbow on the table, resting his chin on his fist. ‘Thing is, we had good intel that someone around there knew something. I was just being thorough.’ He stared back at Kylo, ‘Plus, we’ve got to have _some_ fun right?’ Kylo’s lip twisted in disgust, but Onan kept talking. ‘I mean, if we’re not allowed to indulge our emotions we might as well be Jedi, right?’

Kylo’s fist hit the table. ‘There is considerably more difference between our ideals and those of the blasted Jedi order than _indulgence.’_ Cerid snorted at the outburst, running a hand back through her long, dark hair.

‘Anyway,’ she looked pointedly at Onan who met her gaze and winked. ‘We know where we can get more kyber crystals, we’ll head out again within the week. With your blessing of course.’

Kylo nodded. ‘Good. As soon as you are able. The sooner you are properly armed the better. You should go and rest. I train at 0400 I expect you will be joining me.’  

Cerid rolled her eyes. ‘When do you sleep, Kylo? 0400?’

Onan pointed a finger to Cerid in agreement. ‘We can’t push it to 0700 at least?’

Kylo sighed. It frustrated him how lax their attitudes were; how little commitment he saw in them. But they had stood by him in his youth, and that earned a certain amount of favour. His personal routine, however was not something he would be changing. ‘I will begin at 0400. You may join me whatever time you see fit. I meet with the command at 0800 so any later than six would be somewhat pointless.’ He left Cerid and Onan to find their quarters and returned to his duties.

 

The following morning saw him and Cerid in the training hall at 0400, sparring. Onan shuffled in, bleary eyed at half five and joined the fight seamlessly. Kylo held himself back at first, but the other knights fought hard, working together against him. The two had him backed into a corner when he decided it was time for him to stop relying on his strength and instincts alone. He pushed out a hand and they flew back against the opposite wall. Cerid grinned, wiping a rivulet of blood from her chin and standing once more.

‘See I told you he was being _nice.’_ She called to Onan who was already barrelling back towards Kylo, gun and blade drawn. He took off the safety and blasted his leader in the shoulder. Kylo raised a hand, deflecting the laser easily and planted his feet, saber glowing in front of him. Waited for Onan to reach him before casually swinging the blade, blocking Onan’s swing and causing him to drop the blade. Meanwhile Cerid focussed her will from across the room, trying to worm her way past his mental defences. He glanced over to her as Onan righted himself.

‘That has never worked for you before. Unless you’ve been practi… No I felt that. You need to be more insidious. Make me think they’re my own thoughts.’ Without looking he thrust an elbow back into Onan who had been silently moving his blade towards the other man’s back. Cerid paused, furrowing her brow. She stared at him for a moment, thoughts muddled. In an instant they cleared. ‘See.’ Kylo spoke. ‘You didn’t feel my approach, I just clouded your thoughts. That works faster in a fight, save the other techniques for interrogation. We can practise more later. Onan could use some training in subtlety too.’ He stepped to the side, allowing Onan’s momentum to carry him past and stumble in front of him. He looped his arm over Onan’s neck, holding the blade to his throat. ‘If you’re fighting another force user you can’t just run at them and hope for the best.’ He extinguished the blade, pushing Onan to the ground in front of him once more. ‘This is disappointing. Work together.’ He turned and strode back to the corner, beginning to move through his own personal drills as the other two regrouped and retreated to the opposite corner to whisper to one another. A few minutes passed. Hearing Onan clear his throat, Kylo turned to see the two in battle stance, facing him down. He broadened his stance, lowering his centre of gravity, illuminated his blade and waited for them to make the first move.

Cerid Ren made eye contact with Onan and the two drew their weapons. Kylo waited, eyes down, sensing their approach. He steadied his breathing and felt them move towards him, Onan first, then Cerid. Cerid would arrive first nonetheless, she was quicker and her staff meant that her blade could come into play before she reached him. Onan was slower and stronger, he would….

A blaster shot rang out in the large, empty hall. Pain erupted in Kylo’s back, blossoming out from a spot just below his shoulder blade. He stumbled, but righted himself in time to parry Cerid’s first blow with his lightsaber, driving her back while forcing Onan against the wall with his left hand. He span to see Armitage Hux leaning in the doorway behind him, flanked by a platoon of troopers. Kylo scowled and turned back to Cerid and Onan. He held up a hand, ‘ A moment ple..’ Another shot. His left leg this time. The laser burned through his calf muscle and he fell to his knee. Forcing himself to his feet and turning back to face Hux he spoke through gritted teeth. ‘What is the meaning of this, _Hux.’_ He spat the final syllable at the man before him, about whose lips a small smile played.

‘The thing is, Kylo, you have proven yourself to be something of a liability to our cause.’ Hux spoke calmly and confidently. Kylo raised his hand to choke him and remind him of where the true power in the room lay, but even as he flexed his fingers he felt Cerid’s blade at his throat.

‘I wouldn’t. Sorry Kylo, the General makes a compelling argument. See as far as I can tell your key achievement in the past month has been taking down an old man who for the main part has been uninvolved in galactic politics. Aside from that, what? You didn’t have the guts to deal with General Organa, you were bested by an untrained Jedi on several occasions, and you allowed her to kill Snoke leaving us without his power. And you let the remnants of the resistance escape because you were too busy trying to fight yet another old man who has been avoiding the fight.’ She pulled the blade back slightly and Kylo felt the sting as it drew blood. Lowering the blade once more, but keeping it close to the taller force user’s throat, she patted him on the shoulder. ‘No hard feelings, Ben.’ She realised her mistake too late. Kylo clenched his fist and her throat closed. Onan ran forward to assist, gun trained on Kylo. He shot, but Kylo deflected the laser, fist still clenched as Cerid Ren continued to struggle on the ground. The red saber glowed as it swung round to sever Onan’s arm, the gun clattering to the ground as the large man howled in pain. Kylo continued to choke Cerid. She stopped struggling. He released his grasp and turned to fight the stormtroopers Hux was commanding. There would be consequences for this waste of resources later. It would be simple enough to do away with Hux on those grounds and leave no questions.

‘How exactly do you mean to relieve me of my command?’ He yelled to Hux over the sounds of the ongoing battle. ‘Do you plan to fight me yourself?’ Hux just smiled, infuriating Kylo further. He let out an inhuman yell and charged the smirking general.

He felt the blade connect with his stomach and looked down to see Cerid, a weak grin on her face, holding her staff up. ‘Did those feel like your thoughts? I mean I can’t take credit, on the whole they were. You have a nice pit of anger to stoke, and recklessness makes for an easy opponent. You’re not the only one who can give lectures.’ She winked and stood once more, wrenching ing the blade from where it had lodged in Kylo’s abdomen. ‘Now do we need to keep fighting or are you going to be a goo---’ her words were cut off as the now hunched Kylo Ren swept his saber upwards, slicing her in two.

He stumbled back, arm pressed to the gaping wound in his stomach, weighing his options. Onan was still in play, though the man was acting a child at the moment, mewling about his lost limb, and the troopers kept coming. He was badly injured in three places now, and the wounds were drawing more of his focus than he could afford. Seeing Onan rise once more, he focussed his will and forced the man back down as he half ran, half fell out of the door opposite Hux. Stumbling towards the hangar bay he ignored the shocked and concerned looks of other first order members and climbed into the first TIE fighter he came across, disengaging the fastenings as he gasped for breath, still clutching his wounded torso. As he flew out of the barely open bay doors he prepared himself for evasive manoeuvres, just about managing to avoid the fire of the few fighters that followed.

Once he was sure he was in open space he let himself stop and see to the worst of the wounds he had been dealt. The blaster wounds were fine; They’d scar but they’d heal; his stomach on the other hand was still bleeding, and would continue to do so until he was drained if he didn’t do something. The fighter was unequipped, probably recently returned from a mission and not restocked with vital supplies. There was only one thing he could think of, and it was going to hurt. Contorting his body inside the tiny ship he gritted his teeth and ignited his blade. Gently laying it against where the wound gaped open he cauterised it with the heat from his saber, biting down on the back of one hand as he did so to stop himself from screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this is a longer one but I really enjoyed writing the fight scenes (and I've already cut down a lot to get it to this length...). Also I'm away home for my sister's 18th over the weekend so probably won't be writing much more than this this week. Hope you enjoyed it!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo finds himself alone and grievously injured.
> 
> CW Suicide type talk. Please don't read if it's going to upset/harm you <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok last chapter didn't feel like enough flashback so here is the rest (It's very short sorry). That's it for flashbacks probably. Kudos and comments are appreciated!

***

Kylo couldn’t remember extinguishing the blade when he came to moments later, but he must have done as the wound was no worse, and he was no longer bleeding. His stomach screamed with pain when he shifted his weight, momentarily drowning out the dull ache from his shoulder and his calf. He took in a ragged breath and tried to think clearly. He was in the middle of nowhere. He had nothing. He had somehow burned the few bridges he had without even noticing. He needed to get somewhere where he could rest and recover. Scanning the system he had ended up in, he spotted a few desolate planets uninhabited by sentient creatures. There, then. And then what? Living like a hermit for the rest of his life? Wasting his power and potential rotting away on some backwoods planet in a lifeless system? A thought tugged at his mind. _Rey._ He could find her, of that he was certain; an admission that upon reflection could have saved him all of this. He scowled to himself, head now pounding. He needed fluids. He needed rest. He needed to go somewhere someone would help him.

No.

He was not going to go grovelling to the resistance; to his mother. He was an adult, he had made his choices and now he had to live with the consequences; consequences which still woke him in the middle of the night in a cold sweat; images written onto the back of his eyelids that he would never un-see. Things he could never undo. He couldn’t see his mother. His breath hitched when he even thought about her, he would not be able to be in the same room as her, let alone speak with her.

But then what? He was seriously injured, he knew that. His options were limited and he had to make a decision. He could just stop trying. The thought was somehow soothing. Nothingness. He could just slip away here in the emptiness of space and it would be an end. It would be quiet. He lay his head back and tried to focus on the pain, emptying his mind. He would have peace.

 

_What are you doing, kid?_

The voice in his mind was clear as day. He was being ridiculous. Han Solo was not force sensitive, this was some feeble light-side trickery, though what it wanted to achieve he didn’t know.

_You know, everything doesn’t have to be some big galactic melodrama._

‘You’re not here. This is just my mind playing tricks.’ Kylo spoke quietly,

 _Maybe I’m here maybe I’m not. Does it matter? You know I never really held with any of this force stuff. It’s impressive sure but it’s a pain in the ass for the rest of us. Sure as hell messed up our family. Go see your Mother._      

‘She doesn’t want to see me.’

_I did._

‘I…’ he shook his head. What was he doing? Sitting here talking to imaginary ghosts. But then… was this a fitting legacy? The Grandson of Darth Vader, son of rebel heroes Leia Organa and Han Solo dying alone in empty space, unwitnessed and unmourned; deserved perhaps, he reflected bitterly, but no. Onwards. Always ploughing ahead, consequences be damned.

His mother then. Rey. He would go to them, they would at very least probably not kill him on sight. Others might, but that was out of his hands. He needed to seem incapacitated. He took a fingernail and worked it into the scar running across his face, partially re-opening the wound. The synthetic skin hung loose around the black polymer beneath. What was he doing? This made no sense. He was unravelling fast, unable to think through the pain. He was fading out again, he needed to focus and get to wherever they were hiding.

He reached out in the force, feeling for any tangible essence of another powerful force user. The bridge between their minds had stayed open, he had seen her since Crait though they hadn’t spoken. There she was. An oasis in a desert.

He set a course for the right system, the right planet and let himself drift.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey gets more than she bargained for when she confronts Kylo.

 Rey stormed down the corridor. Not one to break her word, she knew she should go and speak with Kylo again and try to drag some answers from him but she was tired. She had slept poorly and hurt her wrist whilst training. She was not in the mood to deal with Ren. She pushed aside the curtain now blocking the arch to his cell and stepped inside. Ren was still propped in the corner, eyes closed, head back against the wall. She glanced at his now bandaged leg, taking note of the other wounds scarring the limb. His face was relaxed, perhaps for the first time since she had met him. Her temper mellowed. Asleep he was just a man. She could see the child Leia saw beneath the scarred face. He flinched suddenly, surprising her, before blinking and exhaling. He looked up to see her watching him.

‘Answers?’ He sighed, resigned to the fact that he had no option but to tell her the truth. A truth that would make her despise him more than she already did, and jeopardise the already unstable peace he had carved out here. Rey nodded and he gestured to the bed. ‘Sit.’ She sat.

‘Well?’ Her tone was sharp, and though her anger had mellowed when she entered the room to find him sleeping she remained anxious that whatever the truth was would be a further betrayal. She didn’t want anything to set him back on what she hoped was a path back towards the light.  She didn’t know if Leia could take another disappointment.

He avoided her gaze and cleared his throat. ‘I… I was betrayed. Hux tried to take control and kill me. I had to run, and I had nowhere else to go.’

There was a moment of silence as Rey processed the information.

‘That’s it? No revelation. No dramatic change of heart you’re just… You’re running away?’ Her disgust was obvious in her voice and he slumped further into the corner, wishing he could disappear into it. ‘You’re just… I mean you’re not…’ the anger was burning again in her throat and she clenched her fist at her side. Kylo continued to avoid her gaze, staying silent. ‘So, me, your _mother,_ we’re just idiots you could trust not to kill you. The only two people in the entire galaxy who’d put up with you?’ Her voice was growing louder with each incredulous question and she was standing now, pacing around the small cave. ‘And I have to tell her, now. You said,’ she whirled around, pointing at him, ‘ _You_ said you were trying to get better. You gave her hope again and now I have to take it away.’ She was shouting now and, _kriff,_ he was still refusing to make eye contact. She glared at him and turned her hand, reaching out with the force to turn his head. If he wouldn’t look at her she would make him. Finding something, she gripped.

She saw his eyes bulge as his hand went to his throat. He was choking. Why was he…? She looked down at her hand in horror. _She_ was choking him.  She released her grip as fast as she could and stumbled back against the wall, watching. He inhaled loudly, cool air filling his lungs again and looked at her, the gravity of what she had done weighing heavy in the space between them. 

‘That was... I didn’t mean to do that. I...’

Rey stared at her hand, back still flat against the wall. The words that left her mouth were quiet, filled with fear. ‘I’m sorry. Are you...’

Kylo manoeuvred himself awkwardly to the edge of the bed, sitting with his elbows on his knees and his shoulders hunched. He looked up at her through his lashes, thoughts racing. When he spoke it was slow, tentative. 

‘I’m fine.’ This time it was Rey who avoided eye contact. This was his fault somehow, he was sure of that. If he could show her how this was his doing and not hers she would be ok. ’You didn’t mean to. It’s ok.’ He cleared his throat again, unsure of how to proceed. ‘You were angry with me, I understand that. It’s...’ he paused, frustrated that he couldn’t find the words to say what he needed to. 

 

‘It was the dark side.’ Rey said, eyes wide, meeting his. 

 

‘Yeah, maybe.’ He looked down, testing his knee, trying to stand but not wanting to cause further damage. It failed. He could have used the force to support his right side, but that seemed inappropriate right now. Giving up on that idea he turned his gaze back to Rey. ‘Come back, sit down. We can talk about this.’ He kept his tone gentle, as though speaking to a scared child. ‘If there’s anyone who understands how you feel it’s me.’

 

Rey took a step towards him, but stopped short of the bunk, a certain sharpness returning to her expression. ‘And your advice would be what? To give in to the dark side? To embrace my anger and rule the galaxy alongside you?’

 

Her words stung but he pushed the hurt down. He could deal with it later. ‘I didn’t intend to give you advice.’ He said simply. ‘I could help you refine your technique if that’s what you’re looking for, but something tells me that’s not a priority.’

 

‘Not an option,’ she corrected, moving to sit beside him. He turned to look at her as she continued to examine her hand. ‘I am sorry.’

 

He nodded. ‘I know.’ He wanted to add that he deserved it, that she didn’t need to be sorry, but for now that wasn’t what she needed. ‘For what it’s worth, I forgive you. It’s hardly the worst injury you’ve dealt me.’ He quirked the eyebrow beneath his scar, eliciting a small smile from the girl sitting beside him.

‘I’d apologise for that too, but..’

 

‘But it was deserved. We were fighting, people get hurt.’ He shrugged. 

 

‘Yeah.’ Rey responded, lost in thought again. They sat in silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. 

 

‘Are you ok?’ Kylo asked eventually, breaking the silence. 

 

‘I don’t know.’ She was looking at her hand again. He sighed, and acting on impulse reached out and grabbed it. She froze. He bit his lip, unsure of what he had intended to do in the first place. 

 

‘It’s still just your hand.’ He said eventually. He went to take his hand back, but she gripped it suddenly. 

 

‘What if I can’t fight it?’ She asked, ‘I didn’t even notice myself drawing on the dark side.’

 

He rubbed his free thumb across his lip, unsure of how much use he could be on this topic. Speaking slowly as he reached for an answer, he responded ‘You stopped and thought about it. You’re being cautious.’ Seeing that this wasn’t enough he continued. ‘I don’t know that the force itself has sides. I think it’s more what you choose to do with it that determines the side you’re on.’

 

Rey nodded, but her expression was still concerned. ‘But I choked you.’

 

He stopped again, thinking. ‘We are technically enemies.’ He said simply, their joined hands making the statement seem foolish even as it left his lips.

 

‘We’re not very good at that.’ Rey said quietly, lifting his hand up in hers and turning it over to examine their interlocked fingers. He watched silently, letting her process her thoughts. Moments later she spoke again. ‘Is this how it started? With you?’

 

He sighed. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He pulled his hand back, clasping it with the other in his lap. ‘No. It, uh- it was more than one mistake. It was years of...’ He stopped. He really didn’t want to discuss this. ‘You’re fine.’

 

She nodded, seemingly unconvinced. He scowled and continued. ‘I don’t even remember when I first felt it. It was just always there. I choked my mother by accident when I was nine years old. You’re not me.’

 

When she looked at him he saw pity, not the disgust he expected colouring her features. ‘Were you scared?’

 

He nodded. ‘They sent me to train soon after that. I didn’t see either of them again until...’ he trailed off, but she put the pieces together. Star killer base. 

 

She was the one who reached out this time, placing her hand over his. ‘That’s a long time to wait.’ She said quietly. Neither one mentioned Han Solo, though each knew the other was thinking about what had been done that day in the depths of the ship. 

 

‘I didn’t wait.’ He said morosely. 

 

‘No.’ They sat in silence again. Rey didn’t know what to say. What he had done, even just what he had been party to was unforgivable. She had never known her parents, couldn’t remember what they looked like; Speaking to Ren made that seem a blessing rather than the curse she had always taken it to be. He released his fingers from where they were intertwined with each other and took her hand again. She let him, remaining silent, still thinking.

 

After a moment she spoke again. ‘So you’re running away.’ He looked down, shamefaced. ‘So now what?’ 

 

He shrugged again. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t been responsible for my own decisions for very long.’ Rey turned to him, eyebrows raised. He held up his free hand. ‘Not an excuse, just a fact. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t..’ he sighed. She nodded, squeezing his hand. 

 

‘I could give you some ideas.’ 

 

He breathed out a small laugh. ‘I wonder what they might be?’

 

She smiled genuinely this time, warmth rather than sadness in her eyes. ‘Something about coming over to the light and fighting for the freedom of the galaxy from your friend Hux...’

 

‘Fighting Hux I could do.’ He said and she laughed again, nudging him with her shoulder as she did.

 

Eri cleared her throat in the doorway. ‘For two powerful force users you guys are not very perceptive.’ She said dryly, coming into the room with a pile of clothing in her arms. They looked up. Kylo detached his hand from Rey’s, hoping this wouldn’t count against her in the eyes of the other resistance member. Eri smirked at the young people on the bed in front of her. ‘I brought you some clean clothes.’ She said, looking pointedly at his half cut away trouser leg. ‘I’d stay and help you change but you might prefer Rey’s assistance.’ 

 

Kylo cursed his pale skin as his cheeks flushed. Rey rose, her own blush equally obvious and irksome. ‘I can do it myself.’ He said quickly, accepting the folded pile. 

 

Eri raised an eyebrow, disbelieving. ‘There’s no way you can stand right now. I’m not happy that you’re bending that knee.’ He scowled and shuffled back on the bed, straightening his injured leg.

 

‘I can still do it.’ He said stubbornly, raising his hand and floating the pile over to him. Eri scoffed and raised her hands. 

 

‘Fine, fine. Don’t injure yourself any further, that’s all I ask.’ 

 

Rey smirked watching the exchange, before standing. ‘I’ll come back later.’ 

 

Waiting for Eri to exit first she turned back briefly, ‘You’re doing fine. Don’t fret. I’ll come back to talk about what happened earlier, I still don’t...’ 

 

Kylo nodded, not needing her to finish the sentence to understand. ‘We can talk later. Eri’s waiting outside to warn you not to trust me.’

The corner of his lip quirked as he suppressed a smile.

Rey rolled her eyes and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it guys. Rey might be feeling some warm fuzzies about Kylo and lets be real he has been deeply in love with at least the concept of her from day one. Watch this space.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eri bursts some bubbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know when you go home and you regress? I genuinely had an argument with my (also adult) brother in which I shouted 'Give me my TIE fighter, I found it first, I'll kill you!' Good times. Anyway here's more of this.
> 
> (Also I might have said this before but I know in canon Kylo's 29ish, but in this he's younger because nearly 30 year old Kylo is harder to excuse. We'll say he's around 24.)

Eri was waiting the other side of the curtain when Rey came through, a serious expression on her face. They walked in silence until she knew they were out of Ren’s earshot. She took Rey’s hands in hers. ‘Rey, you know I have a great deal of respect for you, but what are you thinking?’

 

Rey scowled. ‘I’ve had this conversation with Leia already. I know what I’m doing.’

 

Eri sighed, ‘Leia is not the most reliable person to go to for advice in this Rey.’ She sat down on the side of the fold-out table that served as her workspace. Rey stood in the doorway, eager to get away from the conversation as soon as possible.

 

‘Leia thinks I’m being naïve as well. She accepts my decision though.’ She stated, not breaking eye contact.

 

Eri put her hands to her temples, massaging them slowly. She remembered all too well being young and foolish, forging ahead with her own headstrong ideas fuelled by romantic ideals. Admittedly she still did forge ahead with stupid ideas fairly frequently, but there was a lot less incompetent flirting involved. ‘What decision would that be then?’

 

‘To save him.’ Rey spoke quickly, aware of how silly she sounded.

 

Eri scoffed. ‘Right. Of course. And the hand holding was step one in your grand-plan. Rey you need to be careful. For all we know this is a First Order trick. I think you should put some distance between y-‘

‘Firstly I am an adult and can hold hands with whoever I want. Secondly, it didn’t mean anything. We were talking about some difficult things and it just happened.’ Rey interrupted, becoming more and more infuriated.

 

‘Difficult things like the fact that he murdered his father, along with countless members of the resistance? The fact that most people here have lost their whole families to his regime? The fact that he is instrumental in dismantling the peace his parents fought so hard to establish?’ Eri exploded, venting the stress of the past week and a half now. How could Rey be so _blind._ It was the force, of course. It always was. To her mind it was more trouble than it was worth.

‘I’m not going to defend him. I went in there to tear a strip off him, but… I- You wouldn’t understand.’   

 

‘I understand being too young and hormonal to know what’s good for me.’

 

Rey flushed bright red now. ‘I am _not_ hormonal. I’m not…’ She broke eye contact, looking at her feet. ‘I’m not _interested_ in _Kylo Ren_.’

 

Eri’s expression softened, though the headache she could feel starting didn’t improve. She raised an eyebrow, watching Rey carefully. ‘Ben Solo more your type?’

 

 Rey’s blush deepened further and Eri felt bad for the jibe. Rey recovered quickly though, shrugging off her embarrassment, and continued. ‘I want to help him. He’s… he’s in a pretty deep hole right now, but I see good in him.’ She was not interested in him. Eri was being stupid. They were… friends? Maybe. She understood him and he understood her. That was it.

 

Eri lowered her head to catch Rey’s now down turned eyes. ‘Just be careful. You and Leia might be up for forgiving and forgetting, I… I see your point to some extent. He’s certainly not all evil as far as I can see, but we’re not the only people in the resistance. There’ll come a time when decisions must be made. I don’t want you getting hurt.’

 

Rey’s face fell further. ‘I know. That’s what Leia said.’

 

Eri chuckled and tapped her brow. ‘Well, great minds… I’m happy enough to be on the same wavelength as our esteemed general.’  She expected the girl to leave but Rey stayed in the doorway, something clearly playing on her mind.

 

‘I just… You said he’s not all evil. You don’t think I’m crazy?’ Rey’s tone was unsure again.

 

‘I honestly don’t know, Rey. Not that you’re crazy, I don’t think that.’ She busied herself, trying to diffuse the tension in the room. ‘I think he’s been an instrument of evil, but we’re all humans right. Something got him to that point, it stands to reason something could get him back. In all honesty though,’ she turned back to Rey, ‘I think you need to put some distance between the two of you. Just because you both have mystical powers doesn’t mean you have anything else in common.’

 

Rey sighed. ‘You’ve given me a lot to think about.’ She turned and left the room. Eri shook her head ‘No you won’t.’ She muttered to herself as she grabbed a ration pack and headed over to Ren’s room. Plan B.

 

‘Knock knock.’ She called standing outside the closed curtain.

 

‘Enter.’

 

Eri rolled her eyes. _Enter_ indeed. She pushed past the curtain and threw the ration pack onto the bed beside Ren. It was jarring, seeing him in the lightweight pale fabrics she had managed to cobble together, rather than his signature black. He seemed younger now and if possible more confused than before. He would listen where Rey wouldn’t, surely? He seemed to at least be self-aware, for all his faults. She tossed the ration pack on the bed beside him and folded her arms. ‘We need to talk.’

 

He glanced at the ration pack when it landed before looking up at her. ‘Ok.’

 

She sighed. He wasn’t going to make this easy then. ‘If you try anything…’

 

‘You’ll what? You don’t have a com unit, not that you’d be able to get to it anyway. I don’t appreciate being threatened.’ He sneered, already aggravated by the conversation he knew was coming.

 

‘If you try anything it’ll break Rey’s heart, and your mother’s too. I assume at least the first is important to you.’ He shrunk visibly into the corner, scowling. Eri continued. ‘I just need you to know that whatever path you and Rey are headed down is not good for her.’

 

He straightened again, against the wall. ‘That was… forthright. I was expecting to have more time to think of my response.’

 

Eri smirked a little. ‘I don’t see the point in wasting time. That said I can give you a minute to think up an excuse if that’s what you want.’

 

Ren raised an eyebrow. ‘That defeats the point somewhat.’ He took a breath and exhaled loudly. ‘I don’t know that there even is a path. I’m just… She was upset. I was trying to help. ‘ Eri made to reply but he raised a hand to stop her, ‘I know I’m not the best person for that. I know, I know. I…’ He clenched his fist in the blankets beside him trying to think of an answer. ‘I don’t know what to say. I should just leave her alone, right? But then where does that leave me?’ He looked up, again not leaving time for Eri to respond, but his eyes were wide and pleading. ‘She’s like…’ he reached for an analogy, everything seeming too much and somehow not enough. ‘She’s like a guidance system. I’m _trying._ Kriff, I’m trying so hard to be something else. I can’t, without her. She’s…’

 

Eri nodded. ‘Ok. Yeah. And that’s all very poetic, but what about her? I see how this is a good arrangement for you. How are you good for her?’

 

He bit his lip. ‘ I’m not.’ He said simply, deflated.

 

Eri rubbed her temple before speaking more softly. ‘Look I see that you’re trying. So does Leia, so does Rey. But even if your motives are 100% pure there’s a long path before anyone besides us will accept that. Do you want her to be dragged down by that?’

 

Kylo just shook his head, dark curls hanging forward covering his face.

 

Eri sighed again. She was sure she hadn’t signed up to counsel young force users when she joined the resistance, or the rebellion before that. Kriff she hadn’t even believed in the force. ‘I’m not saying you can’t talk to her. I don’t know how I’d stop you anyway. Just… be careful, ok. She deserves to be happy.’

 

Ren nodded but didn’t look up. Eri turned to leave.

 

‘Eat your food.’

 

After she left, she heard something that sounded suspiciously like a ration pack hitting the wall behind her.  


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a highly unanticipated turn of events Kylo Ren sits around brooding in a dark room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for commenting and leaving kudos! It's very much motivating me to keep this up. I enjoyed writing this chapter, but also there's a lot of pain and injury talk so fair warning if that's an issue for you. Also I learned facts about Poe Dameron and used them in this (not that he features heavily).

When Kylo woke, palms sweating, breath coming in short shallow bursts, the room was dark. No light shone in from the usually illuminated tunnel outside, and he felt no presence in the nearby med bay. It must be night then. He tried to breath more slowly, despising himself as he felt the air leave his body, shaky and uneven. He clenched his fists in the blankets beside him trying to centre himself. He needed to move. He felt power welling up inside him, raw and untamed. It had been almost two weeks now since he had been able to train, to move through the routines that had held him just about together since the day he had first held a lightsaber. He turned to the edge of the cot and placed his feet on the ground, knee screaming its objections as he did so. Gritting his teeth, he made to stand. He could at least move through a few drills even without the reassuring weight of the clumsily made saber in his grip. 

 

No. As he began to rise his knee gave way and he sank back into the cot again, simultaneously cursing his weakness and welcoming the distraction the pain created. 

 

The silence was overwhelming. He needed sound, noise to drown out his thoughts. Sitting here in the dark with nothing but his treacherous mind was torture. Rubbing his wounded knee, he cursed Poe Dameron under his breath, not for the first time. He had known of the pilot’s existence for a long time; his mother had been accompanied by Poe’s on a few key missions after Endor and while they had not explicitly stayed in touch, Leia kept track of people. He supposed now that that came of never feeling secure in the peace she had carved out, needing to know who she could count on. Of course, she had recruited Poe. He had heard her discuss the boy’s potential with Han Solo when they had both been children, quietly resenting the boy for his natural talent and for the fact that his father couldn’t just put it down to the force. He stopped himself. Thinking about Han Solo only lead to one place and he didn’t want to go there again.

 

He tried to focus on something else, but he was there now. Surrounded by emptiness that threatened to swallow him; nausea flooding his body as he watched hands that were somehow his and not his all at once igniting the blade. His father’s hand on his face for a moment, gone in an instant leaving him more alone than ever before, his cheek cold in its absence. 

 

He forced himself to stand, ignoring the protests from various parts of his beleaguered body. Using the force to support his knee he began to shakily pace the small space to which he was confined. Moving was not a good idea, but then few of his ideas were. He continued to pace, focussing on the stabbing pain in his knee, his aching stomach as the movement stretched the wounds in new ways. His shoulder too was objecting now, and it was so much easier like this. Physical pain was manageable, and it quieted his thoughts; like a blanket of snow, it softened sharp edges and brought a sort of strange serenity.

 

Calmer now, he paused. He leant against the cave wall for a moment, the cool hard stone against his aching shoulder. Raising his other arm he wiped away the tears he had barely registered minutes ago which had now begun to dry, gritty and uncomfortable on his skin. 

 

The space between the wall and the cot opposite stretched out before him, and he wondered idly if he was capable of crossing it. The pain in his leg, stomach and shoulder was becoming untenable and he briefly considered laying down where he was, before realising how much he would be required to bend his knee in order to do so. He inhaled sharply and moved. Making his way slowly around the edge of the room with both the wall and the force supporting him he managed to get himself back into the cot.

 

 _Pitiful._ The thought leapt into his mind unbidden, alongside the sneering countenance of Armitage Hux. _Can’t even walk across a room now, Ren? Our Supreme Leader, running back to his mother after all his blustering attempts to rid himself of the past. The First Order is so much better now we have been purged of your weakness._

 

He balled his hands into fists at his side again. He must be exhausted for Hux to be the voice of his inner demons. He had paid the man so little mind when they had worked together, it seemed almost comical that the dark had chosen the general to taunt him with.

 

‘Get out.’ He spat and the image faded. He needed to think, properly; clearly. What was his end goal? To be accepted by the Resistance? That seemed as unlikely an end as it was undesirable, but then without their acceptance, grudging as it would have to be, there could be no future for him and Rey. 

 

Ah.

 

That was the end goal. Rey. He needed her; he had admitted that much to Eri. She was right of course, Rey stood to gain little from their friendship, but if he could just... If he could just exist on the same planet or the same ship as her from now until someone decided to end him that would be enough. Even now, knowing she slept just a few tunnels away was an inexplicably pleasant, peaceful thought. He let himself focus on her for a moment. It was almost better than the pain. If he reached out he could hear her breathing, almost feel the exhalations on his skin- 

 

He stopped himself. She would not appreciate this, and he did not want to upset her. That was at least one thing he could be certain of. A smile played on his lips as he gently touched his throat, remembering how it had felt when she choked him. The vindication he felt at her using her power to fuel personal feelings of rage was an ugly feeling and he tried to quash it with rational thought. He could help her in that regard at least; he knew the dark side of the force, he knew how it lied and seemed like it had the answers you wanted and then snatched them away once you were in too deep. He knew the mistakes she could avoid; he had made them. 

 

That was his goal, then; to help her. Dark working to maintain the light. Balance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone needs to educate Kylo about healthy relationships. He is being a creepy boy.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Rey talk some more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had a long discussion with a small girl my class about how there's a magic 'e' in Snoke and not in Kylo or Solo (almost like there's a connection between those names...) this week. I hereby declare Star Wars educational so by reading this you are becoming a brilliant intellectual. Congratulations!

Rey returned to Kylo’s room early the next morning to find him sitting against the wall, breathing deliberate and steady, eyes half closed. He blinked them open as she entered and cleared his throat. ‘Are you ok?’ He hadn’t expected her to return so soon, and her appearance just a few hours after their last conversation concerned him.

 

Rey shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I can’t stop thinking about what I did. When I was training I gave in as well. I scared Luke the first time I tried to reach out because I just followed where it wanted me to go.’

 

A scowl briefly flitted across Kylo’s features at the name of his late uncle, but he let the feeling pass, forcing himself to maintain his placid mood. He scoffed nonetheless. ‘Did he even tell you to expect it? Did you know what it was?’

 

Rey shook her head. ‘No, but I should have recognised it.’

 

Kylo looked at her quizzically. ‘How? You had used the Force what? Three maybe four times? Twice deliberately. What did you know about it before then?’ Rey just shrugged. ‘It wasn’t like you did anything. Nothing that I felt anyway.’

 

Rey sat on the bed beside him once more, pushing herself back until she too was leaning against the wall. ‘I guess. But I did yesterday.’

 

Kylo turned his head, eyebrow raised. ‘In the past you have stabbed me in the face. Last night you choked me for less than a minute and it was almost entirely my fault.’

 

Rey’s lip quirked slightly in a small smile and Kylo counted it as a victory. ‘The face thing was more deserved. That’s different though, you were fighting back then. We talked about this.’  He shrugged, regretting the movement immediately as his shoulder voiced its objections. Rey looked at him, calculating. ‘You’re still in pain?’

 

‘Some. You don’t need to be concerned. It’s not anything you’ve done on this occasion.’

 

She looked at him, stung, until she noticed the smirk on his face. ‘Shut up.’

 

His expression returned to normal as he spoke again. ‘It feels different, when it’s the Force. Like your emotions are just happening around you and you’re exposed and raw…’ he trailed off, feeling foolish under Rey’s gaze.

 

‘I… yeah. That’s what it was. I mean I was angry at you, and I wanted you to turn around, but that was all.’

 

He nodded. ‘But you stopped. You were still angry with me, right?’ Rey nodded. ‘Ok. And you still stopped. You can’t… you can’t say that the Force itself is dark or light. That’s like saying a stick is good or evil because you used it to hit someone, or to build something.’

 

Rey narrowed her eyes. ‘I don’t think that’s true. There’s definitely a dark side. I’ve felt it. Surely you’ve felt it?’

 

He sighed. ‘Maybe. Or maybe that’s just a part of me, and the Force just amplifies it. I… I don’t know. But I know you’re not going to fall to the dark.’

 

She continued to watch him through narrowed eyes. ‘How?’ she demanded.

 

He turned his gaze to meet hers, and she wondered, not for the first time, how he could look so sweet and sincere and yet do so many terrible things. She waited as he thought for a moment.

 

‘I suppose I don’t. But I’ve never felt anything… anything dark from you. Uncertainty, maybe. But not darkness.’

 

She smiled a little, eyes still locked with his and he felt his heart stop for a moment. He turned his gaze away, a blush creeping over his cheeks. He missed his mask. He shook the thought off and cleared his throat. ‘Are you ok?’ He asked again.

 

Rey nodded. ‘Better than I was. I’m tired. I stayed up half the night thinking.’

 

Kylo nodded, his own eyelids heavy. Rey leaned against him and he fought to keep his muscles from tensing at the overwhelming sensation. Hands he could deal with, but this? He shifted uncomfortably, and Rey sat up. ‘What?’

 

‘I… sorry. It’s been a long time since anyone, uh... I mean apart from my hands or fighting.’ He swallowed, making himself say the words regardless of how stupid they sounded. ‘It’s been a long time since anyone has been this… familiar with me.’

 

Rey nodded. ‘Yeah I get that. I mean I was alone for pretty much my whole life, but everyone here is… they give a lot of hugs.’  Kylo raised an eyebrow, a faintly amused expression on his face. Rey shoved his arm. ‘I’m not saying I don’t like it. I just get that it’s a lot if you’re not used to it. I’ll be more careful.’

 

Kylo shook his head, scowling as he felt heat rising in his cheeks yet again. ‘No, it’s fine. I’ll... I’ll adjust.’

 

‘Yeah, well adjust later. I have things to do.’ Rey’s tone shifted quickly from soft to business-like as she clambered off the cot.

 

‘What?’ She stopped and turned back when he broke the silence.

 

‘What, what?’ she glowered.

 

Kylo rolled his eyes. ‘What are you doing? Seems like a lot of people sitting around waiting for something to happen. The base is surely as established as its going to be at this point.’

 

Rey scowled at him. ‘Well… there are things to do. _I_ was going to do some training.’ She placed her hand on the hilt of his lightsaber which still hung at her side.

 

He covered his mouth with his hand for a moment, before pulling it down, catching his bottom lip between his thumb and finger and tugging on it thoughtfully. He missed the weight of the hilt on his hip. It’d be nice to train with Rey though, once he was able. Of course, that would require the Resistance to let him hold a weapon which was not especially likely. They could still spar though. Fighting an armed Jedi with nothing but the Force to aid him would be challenging, but it would certainly be a worthwhile training excercise.

 

Rey quirked an eyebrow, but he waved his hand dismissing the question. ‘Nothing. Doesn’t matter. Go train.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone else get the feeling Kylo kind of liked it when Rey choked him? Just me? Also touch starved Kylo is a fun trope to play with, and given my vastly altered timeline it makes a good deal of sense.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Kylo have to talk to each other. Rey comes along to make sure no one dies.

Rey emerged from the tunnel, moving quickly and with purpose towards the next series of tunnels that lead to the cavern’s exit. She was stopped by Finn stepping into her path, concern written across his features. Rey sighed. ‘You too? I know what I’m doing Finn.’

 

Finn grimaced. ‘You didn’t see him in action. Not in everyday life. He’s not… he’s a bad man, Rey.’

 

Rey shook her head, sick of having this conversation over and over. ‘And you haven’t had a conversation with him. He’s done bad things, but there’s still good in him. Believe me I’ve seen enough to know what I’m up against. But…’

 

Finn scowled. ‘But Force stuff. I get why you’d want to be able to talk to him. It just seems weird that you can.’

 

Rey smiled at Finn now. ‘If I can… If I can make him turn, or at least keep him from doing anything else dark. I mean imagine what that does for us. The First Order lose one of their greatest weapons, and who knows, maybe we gain a powerful ally.’

 

It was Finn’s turn to smile now, incredulity all over the man’s features. ‘I… wow, ok Rey. Yes that would make sense tactically. But you know we are talking about _Kylo Ren._ I don’t know how likely that is.’

 

Rey shrugged. ‘He’s been very helpful to me. He’s trying to be… at least amenable, if not good.’

 

Finn nodded. ‘Ok, well Poe wants me to go and ask him about this,’ he held up the cloaking unit. ‘He can’t get it to work, and he says that if he goes he’ll just get annoyed and shoot him again.’ Registering Rey’s baffled expression, he shrugged. ‘Yeah I think it’s a stupid idea too. If he does know how it works and is willing to tell me I’m not likely to remember it well enough to tell Poe. Plus the disconnect is with the type of ship. Poe could fit it to a TIE fighter no problem, but the only one we have access to would take too long to fix up.’

 

Rey nodded. ‘I’d go, but if something goes wrong while Poe’s using it he should know how to fix it. I’ll talk to him, we could go in together and I’ll restrain whichever one decides to try and kill the other.’

 

Finn snorted. ‘That sounds fair. You want this?’ He handed over the small black box and Rey tucked it into one of the pouches hanging from her belt. It was lightweight, but one of the corners was hanging open where it had clearly been pulled apart by inquiring hands. She shook her head slightly and smiled at Finn. ‘Ok where is he.’

 

Finn gestured to where Poe sat on a rock in the corner apparently deep in conversation with BB-8. The droid was rolling back and forth on the spot, beeping enthusiastically as Rey approached. ‘You know I don’t think that’s a strong plan, buddy… Oh hi Rey. How’s it going with your murderer friend?’

 

Rey scowled. ‘Poe, we’re not going to agree on this. You need to talk to him about this though.’ She pulled the cloaking augment out and handed it over to him. Poe scowled, looking up at her through furrowed brows.

 

‘I sent Finn to do that.’

 

Rey scoffed, ‘yeah and Finn came and found me because he rightly noticed that this would be a conversation. I highly doubt Kylo came with an instruction manual for you to use. Chances are he has no idea how it works anyway, and definitely not on whatever ship you’re trying to attach it to.’

 

Poe blew air out through his cheek in defeat. ‘True. He might know who designed it at least, or if it can be used on other ships. He’s a piece of shit but he’s a competent enough pilot. Plus there’s no way he grew up with Han Solo and doesn’t know his way around a busted ship.’

 

Rey nodded. ‘Ok then. I’ll come with you as protection for whichever one of you manages to offend the other first.’

 

Poe snorted and stood to follow her. ‘Fine. But if he tries anything I will shoot him again and you’ll have to explain to Eri.’

 

Rey pushed the curtain aside without announcing their presence, well aware that Ren would have both heard and sensed their approach. She walked across the room and plonked herself heavily down on the bed beside where the other Force user sat, apparently meditating again, though Rey knew at this point he was just ignoring them. She poked him hard in his injured shoulder and he opened his eyes. ‘I thought you were training.’ He addressed her, ignoring Poe who stood awkwardly just inside the room.

 

She shrugged. ‘I was but then Poe needed me to come mediate a discussion about ship parts.’ He raised his gaze to acknowledge Poe, attempting to hide the spark of interest that had awoken. He wasn’t interested in ships. Ben Solo had been interested in ships, largely as a means to spend time with his father when he was around. Kylo Ren enjoyed flying, but fixing things was an occasional necessity not a hobby.  

 

‘Well?’ Poe extended his arm, holding the cloaking unit towards Kylo but didn’t step any closer. Ren rolled his eyes. ‘You may remember that I was recently shot and as a result cannot walk without being in considerable pain. You’re going to need to come closer than that.’

 

Poe scowled. ‘Yeah, right. Not happening. Can’t you just-‘ he waved his hand beside his head indicating mysterious powers.

 

Kylo scoffed. ‘Yes. I could also use that to hurt you if I wanted. Staying out of arms reach is hardly a good defense mechanism.’ He maintained eye contact with Poe, refusing to extend his arm and bring the object to him using the Force. Rey shot him a warning look.

 

_What?_

He projected the word into her mind.

_You know what._ She projected back, glancing significantly over to Poe.

 

_If he wants me to have a look at it I will, but he’s being ridiculous. Anyway if I need to show him something I’m not going to keep floating the damn thing back and forth._

 

Poe cleared his throat. ‘I don’t know what the two of you are doing with all the significant looks, but I’d like to get this over with.’

 

Rey glared at him. ‘Then come over here and stop being stupid. He’s not going to do anything. Are you?’ She elbowed Ren in the ribs.

 

‘No.’ He grunted. Rey took a deep breath in. This was going to be a long conversation if she had to intervene to stop the fighting every other sentence. Poe walked across towards the bed, handing over the augment before turning around.

 

 ‘Hang on.’ He said leaving the room.

 

Kylo looked at Rey who shrugged. ‘No idea.’

 

The mystery was solved moments later when Poe returned with a couple of boxes. He placed one in front of the other just before where Kylo sat on the bed, sitting on the furthest one. ‘It’s a cloaking augment for a TIE fighter. It’s not going to work on the Falcon if that’s your plan.’ Kylo spoke as Poe laid out tools on the makeshift table between them.

 

 Poe shook his head. ‘It wasn’t.’ He paused, torn between his interest in the tech and his desire for this conversation to go as quickly as possible. Rey willed him to speak. She figured once they were actually talking about something other than their dislike of each other things would be less tense. Poe gave in to his interest and Rey let out the breath she hadn’t realised she had been holding in. ‘Why not though?’

 

Ren sighed. ‘It’s massively outdated. That and too big. The Falcon, I mean. This tech won’t…’ he pause for a moment, thinking through what he remembered of the ship. ‘Well, it could in theory if you patched it and didn’t mind that it could drop out at any minute. Given that it’s the Falcon I’m guessing you’d expect the whole ship to drop from the sky at any minute anyway.’

 

Poe glared at the other man. ‘You know Rey and I have done more work on it. It’s outrun your ships pretty much every time you’ve encountered it.’

 

Ren cleared his throat, irritated by the direction the conversation was going. ‘I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about the merits of the Millennium Falcon.’ He stated bluntly. ‘What are you wanting to fit this to? I’m guessing you don’t have TIE fighter aside from the one I crashed which won’t be flying any time soon.’

 

Poe shrugged. ‘Do you need to know that?’

 

Rey laid her head back against the wall, groaning in frustration. ‘Poe, he isn’t here gathering intel. You don’t think the First Order would have a less obvious spy than their leader?’ She turned to Kylo. ‘We currently have two working X-Wings, the Falcon and an RZ-1T Trainer.’

 

Ren nodded along with the list but looked blank when it came to the last one. Poe spoke up. ‘It’s an A-Wing modified so two people can fly. Still pretty old, but not as old as the Falcon.’

 

Kylo nodded. ‘Yeah, well the Falcon was outdated when my fa-‘  he stopped and Rey and Poe avoided looking at him as he recovered himself. ‘When the Empire was still around.’ He finished flatly. ‘Do you have the ship’s specs? I might be able to alter this to make it fit the dimensions of your A-Wing.’

 

‘Pretty sure it’ll fit.’ Poe said raising an eyebrow. ‘I mean if the ship’s too small for that then its not going to fit Finn and I.’

 

Kylo scowled at him and Poe recognised the expression. It was one Leia had shown him on many occasions. ‘Don’t be deliberately obtuse. This is designed to cloak the dimensions of a TIE fighter. If you just patch it in to an A-Wing it’ll cloak a TIE fighter shaped space in the middle of it. Not particularly useful.’ He moved himself forwards carefully, wincing when he bent his knee to sit on the edge of the cot. Placing the cloaking augment on the table, he turned his wrist slightly as he moved his hand away, opening the box with the Force.

 

Poe rolled his eyes, shaking his head slightly. ‘The tools are right there.’

 

Ren shrugged. ‘They’re slower.’

 

Poe glanced at Rey, puzzled. ‘I thought the Force was this big mystical thing you weren’t supposed to use for trivial stuff.’

 

The corner of Kylo’s lip twitched in annoyance. ‘I’m not particularly interested in following rules set down by the _Jedi.’_ he sneered.

Rey, still leaning against the cave wall, kicked his hip. ‘Oi.’  Poe stifled a laugh as Kylo turned an exasperated look towards her.

 

 _Ow._ His voice in her head was more accusatory than actually pained. Rey ignored him and spoke to Poe. ‘We have different philosophies when it comes to the Force. Let’s not discuss that right now. Kylo tell Poe what you’re doing with the pilex-bit driver.’

 

Kylo looked back at the tool he had picked up. ‘There’s a smaller unit inside which we can alter to fit the dimensions of the new ship.’ He looked back at Poe. ‘I’ll find it, you go get the specs. I’ll need to change it to cloak two life signs as well.’


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe gets his ship sorted and Leia is up to something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep an eye out for all the obvious clues because I have the subtlety of a mallet.

When Poe returned, Rey had shuffled forward on the bed and was bent over the makeshift table alongside Kylo, their shoulders pressed together, and heads bent close over the mess of wires, tools and modules. ‘Right. That makes sense.’ Rey nodded, responding to a statement too quiet and low for Poe to make out. ‘Of-course I’m not going to be on board, so you still need to tell Poe.’

Kylo pushed air out through his bottom lip in an expression of exasperation before turning to the man standing once again in the doorway. ‘Right. This,’ he held a round silver node in the flat of his palm and Poe walked across back to the box he had been sitting on earlier, ‘is what will alter the number of life signals it’s cloaking. I’ve changed it.’ He gestured to a series of ever increasing stacks of dots around the edge. ‘It twists, one dot is one life form, two is two…’

 

Poe cleared his throat. ‘I get it.’ Ren scowled at the interruption, and Poe could swear he saw Rey stifle a laugh. The taller man started to wire the small node back into the box and without thinking Poe reached out a hand, grabbing Kylo’s wrist without thinking. ‘Woah there, I-‘ He stopped as he felt Kylo freeze under his grip. He quickly removed his hand and held both hands palms forward beside his head. He crouched slightly, attempting to make eye contact with Ren who was staring resolutely at the table, knuckles white around the tool he held, lips pressed thin. Rey was concentrating her gaze on the man’s temple, and Poe was sure there was some unspoken conversation going on between the two, but this he could handle. Probably. He moved until he was able to make eye contact with the other man and spoke quietly. This was a man who had been and expected to be hurt without warning. He had dealt with this in his role as commander; the after effects of even the most successful mission still weighing heavily on the men and women he lead. War did that. He supposed that whatever methods were used to encourage the kind of raw pain and rage he had seen Ren access when using the Force could have a similar effect. ‘That was a mistake and I’m not going to do it again. Unless you start something I’m not going to harm you.’ Ren screwed his eyes shut and opened them slowly, recovering himself. Rey nodded to Poe. He was ok. No one would be getting flung against a wall or choked in the immediate future. 

 

‘I went too fast. I’ll show you where it goes.’ When Kylo spoke again it was in the same calm, low tone he had been using before. There was no acknowledgement of what had passed between them. The rest of the time in Ren’s cell passed uneventfully. The injured Force-user spoke only when necessary, showing Poe the ins and outs of the tech, and as soon as they were done Poe rose to leave, offering a simple ‘thanks,’ as he turned to leave.

 

Rey stayed on the bed beside Kylo a moment longer, speaking to him quietly. ‘Are you ok to get back up?’ When Ren just nodded she continued. ‘Ok. I’ll come back soon. I’m actually going to train if I can make it out without anyone else needing me.’

 

‘We’ll talk later then.’ Kylo said, pushing the boxes back against the wall with a flick of his wrist. ‘Poe?’ He spoke up to include the pilot in their conversation. ‘I’d appreciate it if you left the A-Wing manual.’

 

Poe looked at him quizzically but shrugged. ‘Sure. You gonna try and build one from those boxes?’

 

Ren rolled his eyes. ‘I have been sitting what is essentially an empty room for maker knows how long. There’s only so much meditating I can stand.’

 

Poe nodded but then thought for a second. ‘Hang on, I do kind of need it to put the cloaking augment in. I’ll see if there’s anything around you can read, or I’ll bring this back when I’m done.’

 

He left Ren in the cell and headed out towards the main cavern. Catching sight of Leia emerging from one of the various tunnels, he called out. ‘General!’ She stopped, waiting for him and he jogged over to speak to her. ‘Hey, do we have any books or anything?’

 

Leia raised an eyebrow, ‘Are we not keeping you busy enough Poe? I’m sure we can find more work for you if you’re bored.’

 

Poe laughed. ‘Nonono I’m good. I went to ask Ky- Ben...’ He trailed off briefly, the question evident in his words.

 

Leia held up a hand to interrupt briefly and Poe stopped immediately. Leia smiled warmly at the man, ‘I was only going to say you can call him what you like.’

 

Poe smirked, ‘I mean in that case…’ He grinned wickedly as Leia lifted her eyes to the ceiling. ‘Sorry. Anyway, I went to ask him to help with the cloaking unit and he asked if he could read the A-Wing manual, but I need that. I figure he’s pretty bored.’

 

Leia nodded. ‘That’s very considerate of you, Commander. I… I think I know where there might be some books he’d enjoy.’

 

Poe shrugged. ‘Probably best we don’t let him go stir crazy sitting in the same room for however long he’s here. I’m going a little mad and I can leave the barracks without causing mass panic.’

 

Leia smiled again. ‘You have your mission now. You can leave whenever you’re ready. I’ll see to Ben.’

She walked off in the direction of the cave’s exit and Poe could swear she was plotting. She stopped briefly to speak with Rey on her way out of the system and the two laughed together. Ok now he was sure they were up to something, but it wasn’t his concern. Whatever happened he would be away by the time Ren was involved so would escape any consequences.

 

Grabbing Finn, he headed out of the tunnel system after Leia, toolkit and cloaking unit in his hands. As they arrived in the area shadowed by an overhang that they were using as their hangar, he spotted Leia exiting the Falcon, a small cloth covered bundle of books in her hands.

 

The next hour or so passed quickly as he and Finn worked together to get the cloaking augment into the ship. Once it was in, he turned it on and called across the comms to Chewie. The Wookiee sat in the Falcon, scanning tech online, looking at the screens for any sign of the ship he could clearly see in front of him. ‘Anything?’ Chewie responded and Poe grinned.

 

‘Great! Who knew Ren would be so useful?’ he nudged Finn who smiled back. Finn went to speak but they were interrupted by Chewie again. Poe held the button down to speak. ‘Yeah I know that. Didn’t think it’d worry you though.’ Chewie stepped out of the falcon, shaking his head and grumbling. Poe sighed. ‘Look it’s our only option, right. That or we kill him.’ Noticing Chewie perk up slightly, Poe shook his head. ‘You want to be the one to explain that decision to the General, or to Rey? We can’t kill him unless he attacks first.’ The Wookiee groaned in response and Poe snorted but his reply of ‘Yeah I guess.’ Was less than enthusiastic. He still hated the guy, of course. But maybe a little less? He shook the thought off and turned to Finn. ‘Ready?’

 

Finn nodded. ‘Ready.’


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia is still up to something and she's really not being very subtle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys know a week in Star Wars standard time is 5 days? That's crazy. That means no weekends. No wonder everyone in the Empire/First Order is so uptight. In other news it's half term in Scotland so i am free from my kiddies for 9 days starting tomorrow. I also have a cohesive plan for this so depending on how long things take I might be finishing up soon.

As Finn and Poe left the planet, Leia headed towards her son’s room, books tucked carefully under one arm. She wondered briefly if this was a good plan; she hadn’t read them herself and she was aware that the Jedi order had had its share of faults in the past century. These books were older than that though. Older than anyone could say. She knew whatever they contained there would be something important in there; something Ben could learn. If there was nothing of use in them they wouldn’t have survived so long. She was grasping at straws, but Ben had said he would try. There were at least straws to grasp now, rather than just the daily aching reminder of her failure as a parent that came in the form of their reconnaissance about the movement of the enemy. She paused for a moment as she passed Eri’s small room where the woman crouched beside a barely functional Bacta tank, messing with the wiring. She rose when she heard Leia come in. ‘Everything ok?’

 

Leia nodded. ‘As much as it ever is, yes. I don’t suppose you have any idea how soon it’ll be before Ben is up and about?’

 

Eri grimaced. ‘Not too long now. Even with his refusal to stay still and let his body fix itself. He’s physically healthy aside from the injuries so if he keeps his knee straight it should only be another coupled of days. If Poe hadn’t shot him for no good reason he’d already be mostly better save a few more scars.’

 

Leia nodded. ‘Small mercies then.’

 

Eri snorted. ‘You said it. I would never wish ill on a patient.’

 

Leia smiled sadly. ‘Yeah, well. I love him, I haven’t always liked him that much.’ Eri nodded, unsure of what to say, but Leia continued. ‘Anyway. Given that he is definitely not going to stay still and rest what’s our time frame?’

 

Eri shrugged. ‘Depends what he gets up to. Knees take a while. We’re looking at a year to heal properly, but I imagine he can work around it. He should be able to walk without too much support within a week unless he tries to run anywhere.’

 

Leia nodded, expression business-like. ‘Right. Poe and Finn will be back by then hopefully, which should allay some concerns. If not he’ll have to stay in his room until they are. I suppose I could ask Rey, though…’

 

‘She’s best staying well away if she knows what’s good for her.’ Eri finished darkly.

 

Leia pressed her lips together and nooded again. ‘She won’t though. I think we have to just let whatever is going on there run its course. Some people need to learn their own lessons.’

 

Eri shrugged. ‘Yeah, I guess.’

 

Leia let out a small laugh at Eri’s expression. ‘We don’t have to like it. Maker knows I worry enough about her, but she’s young. They both are.’ The two women stood in silence for a few moments, each lost in thought, before Leia spoke again. ‘Best not to spend too long worrying. We have enough to do. I’ll get going.’ She patted Eri’s shoulder and walked off in the direction of Ben’s room.

 

‘Ben?’ She waited for his response before entering the room. He sat on the edge of the bed still and Leia frowned at his posture. ‘You know Eri’s getting irritated about your refusal to keep that leg straight.’ She chided gently. He looked up, shaken out of whatever thoughts had held his attention.

 

‘Oh. Sorry.’ He moved backwards with a small grunt betraying the amount of effort it still took him to move, but when his back was against the wall Leia smiled, nodding at his now straight leg.

 

‘Better.’ She sat on the box closest to the bed, situating herself opposite her son. ‘I brought you these.’ She lifted the small cloth bundle that held the ancient Jedi texts. ‘I’d appreciate it if they stayed in this condition.’

 

Her son narrowed his eyes. ‘I’m not a child, mother. I can read a book without destroying it.’

 

Leia stretched her lips out into a grimace. ‘You may not particularly like these books.’

 

Ben raised an eyebrow. ‘Oh?’ Leia just smirked at him, and he scowled back, expression surly again. ‘If they’re so important and you don’t trust me with them, why have you brought them for me to read.’

 

She looked at him, eyes twinkling. ‘I think if you give them a chance you might find them very interesting.’ She held out the parcel, but pulled back slightly as he reached for it. He rolled his eyes.

 

‘I’m not going to destroy them. If I don’t want them I’ll just give them back.’  

 

Satisfied with this Leia passed the bundle over. ‘Carefully then. They’re very old.’

 

Ben glowered, opening the bundle slowly nonetheless. ‘Mother I am perfectly capa-‘ He trailed off when he saw the collection of books. He put them down beside him, deliberately not looking at them. ‘I suppose these are the only books you have.’

 

Leia nodded, eyes still glinting with the evidence that she knew exactly what game she was playing.

 

Ben scowled at her. ‘In that case I’ll do without.’

 

She shrugged, the gesture implying defeat, but he could see from her expression that she was still very much certain of her victory. ‘Suit yourself. I’ll leave them with you just in case.’ With that she rose and turned to leave without speaking further.

 

‘I’ll destroy them.’ Ben said matter-of-factly, calling after her as she left.

 

‘No you won’t.’ She called back, not turning around.

Curiosity won out very soon after Leia had left, and Kylo lifted one of the smaller volumes, turning it over in his hands. The pages were loosely bound, threatening to fall if he opened the cover, so he concentrated his will on keeping the text together as he turned the pages, not _reverently,_ he sneered at his thoughts, but with the respect due to something with which his mother had entrusted him.

 

Hours later he was still reading, having moved onto a second text. It was difficult. He was happy to admit he didn’t understand a great deal of it, but what he did understand was… eye opening. Jedi as a force not for good, per say, but for balance. As he understood it, the only reason the Jedi were a force for good was in response to the actions of dark side users. It was balance they sought, good was a means to that end. Then, of course it stood to reason that the dark was necessary too. The prophecies about Anakin Skywalker spoke to that; balance requires both sides.

 

Or neither.

 

Oh.

 

He put the text down, wrapping the bundle once more and lifting it across the room onto the box in the corner. He didn’t need the temptation of them right beside the cot for now. He needed time to think before he continued to read.

 

_Rey?_

He reached out, searching for her through the base. When he opened his eyes, she was there, standing before him, his own lightsaber clasped between her hands as she span, sparring with thin air. He almost flinched as she turned towards him, wielding the blade, but stopped himself. He couldn’t feel its heat. It wasn’t really there.

 

‘This seems pointless.’ She said companionably, extinguishing the saber and tucking the hilt back into her belt. ‘We’re in the same place. I’m coming back later. Surely there’s no big emergency.’

 

He shook his head. ‘My mother gave me…’ He stopped, realising Rey likely had no idea what he was talking about. ‘My Uncle had some texts. He never read them as far as I can tell, but they’ve been handed down in the Jedi order for-‘

 

‘I know what the texts are, Kylo. I brought them here. I stole them from your Uncle when he refused to help me.’ Rey interrupted.

 

Kylo paused, already distracted. ‘He refused to help you? But then he was there on Crait,’ his expression darkened momentarily. ‘Well, not _there._ But he came to your aid.’

 

Rey nodded. ‘Yeah, that was after I left Ahch-To. He obviously changed his mind. Anyway. The texts – Leia gave them to you then?’

 

Kylo nodded. ‘Yeah. I’d like to discuss them with you at some point. They offer an interesting perspective.’

 

Rey nodded. ‘Sure. You’ve read them then.’

 

He shook his head. ‘Not all of them. I’ve started. I intend to though.’

 

Rey smiled. ‘Leia said you would. I figured you’d throw them against a wall or tear them to pieces or something.’

 

‘She was fairly clear that that would be seen as a further betrayal.’ Rey raised an eyebrow at his dramatic choice of words but allowed him to continue. ‘I told her I wouldn’t read them.’

 

Rey smirked now, amused at how easily Leia had predicted her son’s behaviour. ‘How long did that last.’

 

‘I don’t know I don’t have a clock.’ Ren responded churlishly.

 

‘Right, well it’s been maybe 4 hours standard time since she took them off the Falcon, so less than that. Impressive lack of will power there Kylo.’ She needled.

 

‘I have been here with nothing to do but heal for what, 14 days? 3 weeks?’ He stated dryly, refusing to respond to her jibe.

 

’15 days. 3 weeks exactly.’ She said. ‘That’s fair. I’ll come see you this evening ok. We’ll talk then.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and Kudos are always appreciated - thanks so much to everyone who has left them so far <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is not in her bunk. Leia is concerned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I love Leia but she's being a big buzz kill with her reasonable opinions. Enjoy! Comments are always welcome and brighten up my day :)

The next two weeks fell quickly into a routine for Kylo; in the morning Eri would come by with basic requirements such as food, water and occasionally fresh clothes. She would ask to check his knee, but he would refuse more often than not, wishing to keep his increasing physical abilities unchecked by his jailers. He would read the texts for much of the day, spending time rereading passages of particular interest, or closing the book to wrap his mind around the intricacies and contradictions they contained. In the evening Rey would visit and he would summarise his findings from the day for them to discuss. This turned to arguing much of the time, her view of the books as instruction manuals differing from his own. He read the books in conversation with what he had learned already, borrowing knowledge from his training with both Snoke and Luke along with his own personal experience to inform or contest what the books told him. He treated them with respect nonetheless, and on occasion Rey was sure she saw a certain reverence in his expression that was a far cry from his previous edict to ‘let the past die.’ 

The two grew closer despite their verbal sparring; despite the three or four times Rey had stomped out of the room, leaving Kylo alone with nothing but the books and his frustration at her inability to question them. She had still returned the following evening to continue their discussions and fix whatever she found smashed in the corner of the room. The books were never harmed and their relationship did not suffer. Kylo was growing comfortable with Rey’s weight against his side as they poured over passages together on the small cot. Rey was growing more and more accustomed to the familiar solidity of his oversized figure as she pressed against him. 

Leia had not stopped by since she had given him the books, though she was keeping a careful eye on Rey’s mood after their evening discussions. This particular evening, it had reached midnight and Rey still hadn’t emerged. Leia debated the wisdom of wandering down the corridor herself. She knew the two had fought during their evening discussions, but Rey was certainly in better physical shape than Ben as it stood. She’d be fine. And if they weren’t fighting… Well she wasn’t going to just barge in there. 

In the morning when there seemed to still be no sign of Rey she went to investigate, concern about either of her predictions being true growing in the pit of her stomach. She passed Eri’s med-bay and walked swiftly around the corner to the curtained off room. She cleared her throat outside, waiting to be invited in. No response. She listened for a moment but heard nothing. Concern beginning to blossom into panic about the wellbeing of either her son, or more pressingly, Rey, she pushed the curtain aside, heart thudding in her chest.

Oh. 

She saw both young force-users perfectly healthy, heads bowed in sleep. Rey’s head rested against Ben’s torso as both leaned against the wall, his arm hanging round her shoulder. One of the texts lay open between them, resting on Rey’s open palm. She shook her head. ‘What are you doing, kid?’ she murmured, watching Rey sleep. 

‘Sleeping.’ Ben responded without opening his eyes, voice heavy with his first words of the day.

Leia chuckled. ‘I can see that. I was addressing Rey. I can see what you’re doing.’  
‘’Also sleeping.’ He blinked his eyes open, careful not to move and disturb Rey. ‘Not likely to respond.’

‘I thought you were both asleep in all honesty.’ Leia replied. ‘I thought you weren’t going to read those.’ She nodded towards the books, drawing up one of the repaired boxes. It creaked and Ben raised his free arm towards it, holding it together.

‘That’s not going to hold you.’ 

Leia raised her eyebrows. ‘It will if you keep holding it up.’

He lifted his eyes heavenward and shifted his arm to a more sustainable position, fingers still outstretched towards the box, grumbling under his breath about being used as furniture. Leia looked pointedly to Rey who was still asleep on the man’s chest. ‘You don’t seem to be objecting to being used as a pillow.’

He scowled. ‘There’s not much point while she’s asleep. Once she’s conscious I might.’

‘Hm.’ Leia’s response managed to express disbelief and disapproval in one small sound. 

Still too close to being asleep Ben didn’t filter his words as he usually would. ‘I don’t see your issue. She’s… good. She’s good for me.’

Leia bit her lip, choosing her words carefully. She needed him to know that she did care for him, that he had not managed to completely burn that bridge, but at the same time she could not endorse the relationship between him and Rey growing to more than friendship. He wasn’t good fo her. ‘It’s perhaps just not the best time to start a relationship.’ she said lightly, hoping they could drop the topic for now.

He didn’t. ‘You and Han Solo began your relationship during wartime.’

She sighed. ‘Your father and I met during wartime. And we were not on opposing sides.’

Ben grunted, trying to move the arm trapped behind Rey without waking her. He managed to move his shoulder slightly, relieving the ache a little before he spoke. ‘I don’t even know which side I’m on currently so I don’t see how you do.’ He said, his expression sour.

Leia watched him sternly. ‘That’s not good enough. If you mean to pursue this then you need to make your mind up, and you need to be on the same side as her. What good will a long distance relationship where you’re just waiting to meet up and fight do either of you?’

He sighed. ‘It’s too early for this. You’re saying I’m not good enough for her, which I already knew. I’m not pursuing anything in particular, I can’t leave this room. She is the one coming to see me. She’s the one who didn’t leave last night before falling asleep.’ He shifted his arm further this time, waking Rey in the process and in doing so ending the conversation with his mother. Leia rose, leaving without saying a word. Kylo scowled to himself and allowed the box to disintegrate once again as Rey woke, pushing herself away from him and sitting up. 

‘What’s going on?’ Her tone was immediately suspicious and his scowl deepened.

‘You fell asleep on top of me last night. We were reading.’

Rey shook her head. ‘Not that. With your mother. Why are you all…’ she waved a hand, searching for words to describe the energy she felt from the man beside her. Sort of shaky, but also jagged and hot, but then there was coolness too and detachment? She couldn’t find a way to express it. She waited for him to respond. 

He shifted away from her slightly, irritated at how easily she read him. ‘I’m fine. My mother was being…’ he didn’t want to get into this, but he couldn’t see a way out. ‘She’s worried about you.’ He sneered. Rey flinched slightly at his derisive tone, confused at how this could be the same man that had suffered silently to let her sleep as long as she needed. 

‘And that makes you cross because you don’t like me? I’ll leave and stop visiting if that’s what you want.’ She said flatly.

‘No.’ He replied. Why didn’t she understand this. Of course he liked her. He’d liked her when she’d escaped his ship the day they’d first met. She’d impressed him then, and hadn’t stopped since. He would have to spell it out. ‘She thinks I’m going to hurt you.’

At that Rey scoffed. ‘I’d like to see you try.’

‘You already have. It hasn’t ended well for me on any occasion. She means emotionally.’ He closed his eyes again. Kriff he was tired. He could only have slept for a few hours last night, though for once it had been undisturbed. 

The younger force user sighed. ‘So that’s her, Eri, FInn, poe and pretty much everyone else here. I managed on my own for long enough, I don’t need everyone smothering me.’

Kylo nodded. ‘You should go though. Eri will be along soon and she’ll also be aggravating if you’re here.’

Rey watched him critically for a few minutes. The energy was still there. Chances were he’d at least harm himself punching the wall once she was gone, if not the rest of the meagre furniture in the cave. ‘Meditate or something. Don’t mess your hands up anymore.’ She said simply, hoping his regard for her would influence him enough to look after himself for her sake, even if not for his own.

He didn’t speak, but he inclined his head slightly, which she took as his promise. 

Leaving the tunnels she heard familiar voices. Finn and Poe were back. She grinned and ran to meet them.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Finn are back and they've got presents! Kylo is less than impressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is very vague reference to the possibility of sexual assault in this as well as some suicidal thinking and self-harm adjacent thoughts. Please take care of yourself <3

How dare she?

 

Ren sat seething on the bed as Rey left, ignoring Eri as she prodded around his injured knee. This was not the concern of Leia Organa-Solo. Why was she so worried about Rey anyway? Protecting her army’s (if the sorry group of barely trained rebels could be counted as an army) best asset. That had always been her priority, he knew that. Winning. Protecting the galaxy from anyone whose views differed from her own, regardless of the human cost. People were tools for her, means to an end. It had always been that way; part of her training as a diplomat, probably. Use people for the gains they could grant you. Your husband has a specific set of skills and interests? Good, use that, send him halfway across the galaxy away from his young family. Your son is a Force-user? Send him away to be trained; an example of the perfect Jedi for the galaxy to admire. 

 

As Eri left the room he screwed his hand into a fist, but stopped himself from hitting the wall, pressing the joints of his fingers against his teeth instead; enough to be uncomfortable, but not enough to break the skin. Rey wanted him to look after himself. She was right, of course; when it came to everyday decisions she usually was. Their disagreements were largely esoteric, he would accept guidance from her on issues like this. The Force was different. That was  _ his.  _ He used it in a way few people did, while she still trod the path laid out for her by Luke Skywalker. He didn’t understand why she saw no value in his notion of balance; of accessing both light and dark side; but that was something he would continue to work on. He hadn’t fully fleshed the idea out himself. Still. It’d be nice to know she respected his opinion. It’d be nice to know anyone respected his opinion, especially his mother. 

 

_ Why would she? You’re an inconvenience. She never wanted you. _

 

The thought was in his own voice this time, and it almost passed as his own, slipping by briefly by virtue of the number of times it had been. He recognised it as the darkside tugging at his mind now, but that didn’t matter. He knew it was the truth, at least now. She didn’t want him here. It would be easier for her to command her resistance against him and the First Order. She had given up on his return, he knew that, so now it was an inconvenience. If he had been able to continue as Supreme  Leader her world remained in balance and she could banish any emotion to do with him or his father until a more convenient time. If he was here she had to deal with it. She had to deal with him; something she had managed to avoid for most of his life.

 

He stood up from the bed and began to pace, twinges of pain from his knee barely registering now. It was almost healed. The rest of his wounds had faded out into white noise behind the pain that had been in his leg, but now he felt each one once more. His leg; his shoulder; his other leg; his stomach. They all ached a little, but no longer hindered his movements.    
  
They were trying to keep him distracted. 

 

The thought hit him all at once. He continued to pace around the small space.    
  


The books, Rey’s increased visits along with the words of advice and warnings from Eri and his mother; they were all just things to keep him occupied. To keep him docile. They still didn’t trust him, after everything he had been through for them. He had just sat there and allowed Poe to shoot him for kriff’s sake. But they still thought he was a threat. What he was supposed to do with his newfound ability to freely move he didn’t know, but clearly they thought he would do  _ something.  _

 

Maybe he would if they didn’t show him at least some small degree of trust. 

 

That was not a good thought. 

 

He stopped pacing and went over to the bed. Meditate. That was what Rey had suggested, but his mind was racing. He didn’t know if he could focus enough right now. Maybe the books then. He picked one up and began to leaf through it, but the words weren’t making sense to him right now. He put it down again and closed his eyes.

 

Stop. Think. This is helping no one, least of all you. You need to calm down. She’s trying to help. She’s pleased you’re here. You are lucky that they let you set foot in here. You are lucky Poe didn’t just shoot you in the head and have done with it. 

 

Of course then none of this would be an issue. He blinked his eyes open again. That wasn’t constructive either. He needed to make a decision. Where did he go from here? Could he join the Resistance? Could he swallow his pride enough to fight alongside Poe and Finn? He had fought beside Rey before. That had been exhilarating, but it had been in service of a joint cause. He didn’t know if he believed in the cause of the Resistance. Balance would be difficult to find when the only motivation he had to fight was his hatred for Armitage Hux. The New Republic had hardly been good for the galaxy anyway; what was Leia’s plan if by some miracle they made it out of this fight? He could hardly join a fight just to appease his mother. But then what? Fighting was pretty much all he could do; it was a path set out for him from before his birth; from the first time his mother had felt the Force move within him. He should speak to her again. About her goals, about where she saw this going. If she recognised that they were headed for defeat he would fight. His death in service to his mother’s cause would at least make for an interesting legend down the line. If she still thought they could win then he needed to know what came next. 

 

He was calmer now, though he would still welcome a means to release the frustration he felt physically. Meditation was not that, but now he had spent the time answering his own questions it would do. He began to close his eyes, moving on the cot until he felt comfortable enough to sit for hours, but not enough to sleep.

 

‘Hey.’ Less than a minute later Rey spoke, interrupting the temporary peace he had carved out for himself. He opened one eye and grunted to acknowledge her presence. While he maintained his pretense of meditating, he noted the small box she carried in one hand. It felt wrong. He felt the nervous energy begin to build in him again, sensing a similar anxiety from the other Force-user in the room. He closed his eye again and tried to ignore her. 

 

She cleared her throat, sitting down heavily beside him, deliberately disrupting him.  ‘Are you ok now?’ 

 

He gave up, seeing she was not going to leave anytime soon, and opened his eyes. ‘As ok as you are.’ He looked pointedly at where her hands gripped the small box, knuckles turning white. She laughed breathlessly.

 

‘Ok yeah. Right. So this is going to seem bad, but it’s actually good.’ She began, watching him carefully. ‘It’ll mean you can leave this room, which by now I’d think is a pretty high priority for you.’ He raised his eyebrows, reserving judgment until he could tell what was in the box. Rey continued. ‘Right. Ok. Firstly I’m happy to put these on to show you they’re safe and they’ll only work while they’re on. But basically they’re-’

 

‘Force-suppressors. I’m not wearing them.’ He said bluntly. He had worn them once before during his training with Snoke. 

 

‘You are more than them. This is how they feel, all the time. They are weak. They are nothing. You can do so much more. There is no shame in ending their pointless, empty lives.’ 

 

He remembered the ‘lesson’ clearly, not for its sentiment but for the way he had felt with the cuffs on. Empty. Useless. Unable to do  _ anything.  _ And then of course he had had to fight troopers without the Force and it was like fighting without his hands. Even his saber had felt wrong; the usual sense of its location lost to him. And when he had been overwhelmed by the waves and waves that Snoke kept sending after him, Hux’s smirk as he stepped out from behind the throne; Hux’s hands on him while he was powerless to stop him. Of course it was the troopers who had ultimately suffered, but his own knowledge of what had happened in that room was not so easy to erase.

 

He shook his head. ‘I am not wearing them.’ He repeated.

 

Rey sighed. ‘You need to wear them. We had a meeting. Maz helped us find them. It seemed like the most reasonable solution. Look, I’ll put them on. They can’t be that bad, I lived without the Force for 19 years.’ He scoffed slightly. She still didn’t understand then. He watched as she opened the box, swallowing a little as she looked at the small dark metal cuffs nestled inside. ‘But.. They can only be taken off using the Force. I won’t be able to do it. I’ll need you to take them off when I ask.’

 

His stomach hitched. She trusted him to take them off for her. She was trusting him with her access to the Force. He watched her wide-eyed for a moment, struggling to accept that she would trust him with this. She watched back, waiting for his answer. When he nodded, she lifted the cuffs from the box, clicking them open and then closing each one around her wrists. 

 

She screwed her eyes shut, grabbing her temples. He saw the colour drain from her face and nausea spread in its place. A few moments later she opened her eyes and smiled weakly. ‘See. Not so bad.’ The words were strained and even as she spoke she brought her knees up to her chest, burying her face. He saw his lightsaber still shoved into her belt. 

 

‘You didn’t spend 19 years without the Force. You just didn’t know when you were using it.’ He said quietly, eyes still focussed on his weapon. If he could get his hands back on it there was no way they could make him put on the cuffs. As long as Rey was incapacitated he would be able to take it, perhaps without her knowledge. He kept talking. ‘The Force is in everyone. Most people can’t feel it but it’s there. Those cuffs, they lock it away. It’s worse than being like anyone else. That’s why you feel empty and sick. The Force  _ should  _ be there, even if you can’t feel it you should have some access to it. They’re an unrefined torture method. They’re not exactly a sign of new freedoms.’

 

As he spoke, he moved his hand, quietly unfastening her belt enough to remove the saber while holding it closed enough that she would still feel its pressure around her waist. He refastened the belt quickly as the weapon floated over to him and hid it quickly in one the many pockets covering the jumpsuit he currently wore. He rose from the bed and knelt in front of where Rey sat, gently taking her hands in his. She looked up at him, knees still up to her chin. 

 

‘Are you ok?’ He asked quietly. 

 

She nodded. ‘I’m getting used to it. I really think you’ll be fine if you just try.’

 

He grimaced. ‘Sorry. I can’t. I thought you’d realise how bad it was and…’ He let go of her hands. He couldn’t let her go now, she still wanted him to wear them and he couldn’t put them on. It wasn’t an option. 

 

Rey watched him, worried as he began to pace again. ‘Kylo, can you take them off now?’ 

 

His eyes were wild when he turned. ‘I’m sorry Rey. I am. I just.. I can’t wear them. I can’t do it and you… If I take them off they’ll end up on me somehow and I cannot let that happen.’  

 

The betrayal in her eyes was almost enough to make him reconsider, but her call for aid cut short any time he had to deliberate. 

 

He backed into the corner of the room, igniting his saber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I have no clue what happened with Kylo and Hux - that's open for interpretation. Also please don't read the views of confused-ass Kylo Ren as my own opinions, Leia is the greatest woman who ever didn't really live, in my opinion. Kylo has issues, and boy are they showing in this chapter.
> 
> Kudos and comments make me happy because what's the point in creating something for fun if you can't numerically quantify how much people like it right?


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo has his saber again and nobody is happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented or left kudos. I hope you enjoy this chapter - I'm kind of nervous about it to be honest. More suicide talk but I'm guessing if you've read this far that won't stop you now. (Oh and please don't get used to daily uploads, I am back at school on Monday so there'll be a lot less sitting around daydreaming about Star Wars and a lot more trying to prevent lightsaber fighting in my classroom when we are supposed to be doing maths.)

Eri was the first to arrive, hesitating momentarily in the doorway when the glow of Ren’s lit saber drew her attention from Rey, but moving past to get to where Rey sat. The girl was still speaking to Ren, sentences flung across the room as peace offerings, bargains and weapons, all of which were proving ineffective. ‘Please, Kylo. Put it down. We can discuss this more. This is stupid.’ Eri didn’t speak but tried to no avail to remove the cuffs around Rey’s wrists.

 

Kylo ignored Eri’s futile attempts to take the cuffs. She wouldn’t be able to, and she posed no threat to him. He ignored Rey’s words as he had all the others. They would make him wear the cuffs and he couldn’t do it. He _needed_ the Force. It was one of the few constants in his life and it ensured his safety. He would not give it up. When Finn and Poe entered, immediately opening fire he swung his saber, blocking the lasers with minimal effort. The two men leapt aside, avoiding the repelled beams.

 

‘What are you doing Ren?’ Poe called over the hum of the knight’s saber and the sounds of Finn’s continued fire. ‘I thought we were beyond this!’

 

Kylo turned his attention to the pilot, extending a hand to block Finn’s fire with the Force while he held his saber in the other, keeping it as a barrier between them. ‘I take it getting those cuffs was what I was helping you with. If you’d told me your plan I could have saved you a journey.’

 

Poe rolled his eyes. ‘Come on, man. It’s not that bad. I don’t have the Force, I’m still fine.’

 

Kylo scowled. ‘It’s not the same. I’m not wearing them.’

 

Poe’s expression soured further. ‘Right. I guess we go with the contingency plan then.’ He glanced at Finn who looked at him incredulous.

 

‘I really don’t see how that’s going to work if Rey can’t help us.’ He called over the sound of renewed blaster fire.

 

Rey looked up at the scene in front of her, hopelessness written in the lines on her brow. ‘I’m sorry. I thought I could show him that they weren’t dangerous.’

 

Poe scoffed at that. ‘Yeah that went well.’

 

Eri shook her head. ‘I warned you not to trust him, Rey.’

 

Rey pressed her lips together, looking up at Kylo, imploring him to stand down. He shook his head. ‘I can’t.’ He said simply. ‘I won’t hurt anyone as long as they stay away.’ At that Finn and Poe lowered their blasters, but neither put their weapon away. Kylo left his saber on, an obvious warning for any resistance members who came into the room.

 

‘Ok…’ Poe said, cautiously. ‘What now?’

 

‘Now,’ a voice spoke from the doorway, ‘I need everyone to get out. I need to speak to my son.’

Poe turned to Leia who stood behind him, noting the bulge of a blaster in her pocket as he did so. ‘General are you sure that’s-’

 

She held up a hand to stop him. ‘Out. Now.’ Her eyes flashed as she spoke and he could see that this was not an argument worth having. She had made up her mind. As he and Finn turned to leave, Eri went to help Rey but Leia crossed the room to her before she could stand, kneeling beside her and unclipping the cuffs. Rey let out a sharp breath as they released. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry, I thou-’ Leia shushed her and placed the cuffs back in the box. ‘Take them with you.’ She pressed the box into Rey’s hands before helping her up and pushing her gently towards the door. Eri went with her and the two left quietly, leaving the room silent save for the hum of Kylo’s saber.

 

Leia walked towards him, stopping short as she saw his fingers twitch on its hilt. ‘Put it down.’ She said simply. He glared, face illuminated in the red glow. ‘Ben Solo, I asked you to-’

 

‘Don’t.’ He snapped suddenly, interrupting her. ‘You don’t get to play the parent card now. You lost that when you sent me away.’ Leia flinched at his tone. This was Kylo, then. She had hoped so hard and for so long that she would be reconciled with Ben, and she had been so close.

 

‘We had to.’ She said simply, but he shook his head.

 

‘ _You_ made that decision. You and your brother. You didn’t _ever_ stop to ask what i wanted. And now you expect me to value our relationship? After I spent years learning to detach myself emotionally from everything that mattered? And now you use the Force casually, like its nothing, with no training whatsoever.’ Kylo sneered at her.

 

Leia walked across to the cot and made to sit down, but Kylo extended an arm, clenching his fist and the structure crumpled. ‘Is this why you wanted me in the cuffs? Because you don’t trust me, despite all my _training_.’

 

Leia studied a small mark on her shirt on the inside of her forearm. She would not rise to his baiting. He reminded her of a time, years ago, when this ire could be provoked by the wrong coloured cutlery at dinner. She had waited it out then. She would wait it out now.

 

‘I have worked so hard to be trusted. You know I’m here of my own accord, but you still insult me with those maker-forsaken pieces of Hutt trash.’

 

Her legs ached, she noted. She could have done with the cot to sit down on, but no matter. She wondered casually if he would destroy a box if she went and brought one in from another room. She wouldn’t risk a folding chair; they only had a few of those. Boxes they had plenty of. Probably best not to leave the room anyway.

 

Kylo had been silent for a few minutes. She set her face into a gentle expression and looked at him again. ‘I shouldn’t have sent you away. Not at nine years old. Luke said I should have let him take you when you were younger but I couldn’t let you go. Nine was too old, or too young. It was a bad choice and I’m sorry.’

 

He had been ready to respond as soon as she stopped, but he was taken aback by her honesty. He lowered the blade to hang at his side, still lit, but no longer blocking his face. Leia sat on the ground, letting him take the time he needed to calm down before they talked.

 

He turned to face the wall for a moment, running his empty hand through his hair, thinking. After what felt like an age he extinguished the blade and sat opposite Leia, long legs crossed, head in his hands. Leia let out the breath she didn’t know she had been holding in.

 

‘You’ve worn the cuffs before then?’ She asked gently.

 

He nodded, head still bowed. Leia heard the muffled word ‘Snoke’ from somewhere within the crumpled mass that was her son.

 

‘What did he do?’ she pressed, needing to understand the root of this sudden terror.

 

Kylo lifted his head but remained hunched over. ‘Doesn’t matter.’

 

She sighed. ‘It does, Ben. You don’t have to tell me. I assume he hurt you somehow.’

 

Kylo scoffed at that. ‘He hurt me plenty without the cuffs. I can deal with pain.’

 

Leia bit the inside of her bottom lip, stopping herself from correcting his statement to ‘physical pain.’

‘Control then. He let someone else hurt you. Someone without the Force?’

 

He avoided her gaze as he spat the word ‘Hux.’

 

She nodded. ‘We are not going to use them to hurt you. It’s just a security thing. I can’t let you wander around the base with access to weapons. That includes the Force.’

 

‘Because you don’t trust me.’ came the retort, still sulky.

 

‘Would you if it were the other way round?’

 

He shook his head, dark curls bouncing as he did so. She laughed quietly, releasing the tension in the room.  ‘There. I’m not trying to upset you. I just need to keep my people happy. This was already a compromise.’

 

He looked at her, eyes still shining with past hurt. ‘I can’t.’ He said simply. ‘I’ll stay in here. I’ll fix things if you want and keep reading the books for Rey, if she ever wants to speak to me again, but I can’t put them on.’

 

Leia sighed. ‘That wasn’t plan B, Ben.’ She said, words heavy with their implication.

 

He lowered his head again, handing her his saber hilt, open end pointed towards himself. ‘Do it then.’ he said quietly. 'Get it over with. I won't blame you. It'd make things easier for everyone.' He closed his eyes, preparing himself for the blow.

 

Leia took the saber from him and placed it in her pocket, smacking him gently on the top of his head with the back of her other hand. ‘I’m not going to kill you. If you can avoid any more misguided displays of power I can probably avoid anyone else trying to kill you as well.’  

 

He looked up again, ashen-faced. ‘I don’t understand.’

 

She tilted her head slightly, examining her son. ‘No. But you should. You will. You’ve seen a lot in your life. Lost a lot.’ He nodded and she smiled sadly. ‘I’ve seen more and I’ve lost more. You have to just keep going. That’s what I’m doing. It’s what I’ve been doing for the past six years. More really. Sometimes it’s that simple. You make a decision. You keep going.’ She paused for a moment, looking at her son’s defeated expression. ‘Sometimes the things you thought you’d lost come back to you.’

 

He looked up at her then and she reached out, tucking his hair back so she could see his face. He shrugged her off. ‘I don’t know that they can ever come back. Not completely.’

 

‘They can in my experience. If they make up their minds and decide that’s what they want.’ She said, dropping the pretense. ‘Do you know what you want?’

 

Kylo lifted and dropped his shoulders and the two sat in silence. After a few moments he spoke again, looking studiously at the floor. ‘Do you remember that day on Aphran IV?’ He began, looking up to see her response.

 

‘I remember spending a great deal of time trying to mediate pointless disputes between woodworkers and food traders over how the planet should be governed. I’m guessing that’s not what you remember from our time there.’

 

He shook his head, eyes focussed back on the floor. ‘It was one of the last days we spent there. I had been bored for days and then Han-.’ He stopped himself and took a breath. ‘Dad arrived. He landed the Falcon in a clearing in the forest and you got angry with him about failing to respect the planet’s ecosystem. He won you round pretty quickly though. It’d been months since we’d seen him and he had brought food. We ate in the forest and then he tried to teach me to use a blaster.’

 

Leia chuckled then, remembering the day. She had been exhausted from the strained negotiations she had spent days orchestrating and had been snappy all day. Han had given up on winning her round eventually and the two had just let six-year-old Ben ramble on about whatever nonsense he was thinking about. ‘He wanted to teach you to take off in the Falcon. I banned him so he decided blasters were a better plan.’

 

‘And then you were still angry at him because he was showing me sloppy technique.’

 

Leia laughed again. ‘I wasn’t so much angry at him as at the Tadening Foodmakers who were refusing to see reason. I’m glad you have fond memories of Aphran IV though. Not many do.’ She pressed her lips together, waiting for him to continue and explain why this was relevant. When he looked up there were tears falling down his cheeks that he did nothing to stop.

 

‘I want that.’

 

Leia nodded, but still didn’t fully understand. ‘You had that. You were a kid though, you didn’t really know what was going on. I don’t remember that time as fondly as you do.’

 

He shook his head ‘No, I…’ he sighed. ‘It’s stupid. It’s not something I can do, but I want to go back there and start again. Make better decisions. That’s what I want.’ What he hadn’t said hung louder in the air than what he had said and Leia’s stomach clenched at the visceral memory of her husband.

 

‘I’d like that too.’ She said eventually. ‘But you need to make a decision about the future. The past is past, we can’t change it now. The future is our responsibility. You and Rey could do a lot of good together.’

 

Kylo dropped his head again, despair written of his face. ‘She hates me.’

 

Leia raised her eyes to the ceiling as her son gazed at the floor. Of course that was what he was worried about right now. She set her expression carefully, hiding her exasperation. ‘She doesn’t hate you. She should but she doesn’t. She’s not happy with you right now, but you can hardly blame her. I’d give her some time. Not that you’ll be leaving this room anytime soon if you won’t put those cuffs on.’

 

Kylo shook his head again and she sighed. ‘Fine. Help me up, I need to go and smooth things over.’

 

He stood quickly, though she still noticed him wince as he took weight on his injured leg. Still over exerting himself she mused, taking the hand he extended to her. She looked around the room, noting the destruction he had wrought. ‘If you want to fix things you can start with that.’ she gestured to the cot. ‘We don’t have the resources of the First Order. You can’t break things without consequence.’ She told him sourly, still irked by how difficult he was making this. He nodded dumbly, turning towards the mess of twisted metal that had once been a bed and she left the room.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone tries to cheer Rey up and she is confused about their methods.

Leia found Rey, Eri, Finn and Poe waiting anxiously in the med bay, speaking in low tones. The three non-Force users still clasped weapons in their hands, ready to move when they were needed. Leia tossed the saber hilt to Rey who caught it and shoved it back into her belt. She was glad to be free of its dark energy, feeling lighter than she had when she entered the room. 

 

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-’ Rey began to speak, pushing the words out quickly, but Leia shushed her.

 

‘You were trying to help. I shouldn’t have sent you alone.’ Leia stated matter of factly. 

 

‘Shouldn’t have sent her full stop.’ Poe muttered in the background.

 

Leia shot him a filthy look. ‘Did you have something to say, Commander Dameron?’

 

Poe withered beneath her gaze, but Finn spoke up. ‘We’re worried about Rey.’ He turned to her. ‘We’re worried about you.’ he said in a softer tone. ‘He can’t be trusted. Surely you can see that now? We’ve been keeping our thoughts to ourselves because you seemed to be having some impact, but you were in real danger in that room.’

 

Rey shrugged. ‘I think I’ve learned my lesson. You can go and convince him to put them on if you want Finn.’ Her sullen expression turned to a weak smile as Finn’s eyes widened.

 

‘I uh…’ Finn turned quickly to Leia ‘Is he going to put them on?’

 

Leia shook her head. ‘I don’t think so. It would appear he’s worn them before and it didn’t end well.’ The other people in the room shifted uncomfortably, nobody wanting to say it first. In the end it was Rey who spoke up. 

 

‘I’m still against killing him. I know it was a joint decision, but we all thought the cuffs would work. You can change this right?’ She looked to Leia. 

Leia in turn looked to Poe. ‘I can’t be involved in this. I’ll defer to your judgement, Commander.’ She paused before speaking again. ‘I don’t want him harmed. If my opinion is to be counted.’

 

Poe nodded. ‘I think we give everyone some time to cool off. No-one is in the right frame of mind right now.’ He looked to Leia for her approval and she smiled warmly, relief flooding her features, along with a touch of pride. The man had learned a lot about leadership in the past month.

 

‘That seems sensible.’ She said. Everyone stood in silence for a few minutes, adrenaline still dissipating. It was Eri who broke it after a few minutes, clearing her throat and demanding that everyone but Rey leave so she could check the girl was ok. Rey protested but Eri would hear none of it. 

 

‘For all we know he has a perfectly good reason not to want them on. What were you thinking, putting on something we hadn’t tested?’

 

Rey scowled. ‘We were happy enough to test it on Kylo.’

 

Eri nodded, pulling out a scanner to check for anything out of the ordinary. ‘Yep. Most of us are happy enough with Plan B as well. Sometimes people can’t be fixed, even if there is a little good left in them. You need to get your head around that idea.’ She stopped scanning Rey for a moment and saw tears in her eyes. ‘Hey, hey,’ she dropped the scanner and helped Rey to sit up. She sat beside her and pulled her into a one armed hug. ‘There are plenty of good people here who’ll help you through this ok.’

 

Rey nodded, still trying to hold back the tears she felt stinging her eyes. ‘It’s not that. Leia’s not going to let that happen anyway. I just… I thought we were friends. He promised he would take them off. I put a lot of trust in him and he betrayed me.’

 

Eri squeezed her shoulder. She had told her at the start, but that wouldn’t help right now. She couldn’t believe she was going to do this. ‘You know he seemed like he was more scared than anything else. He didn’t actually hurt anyone. Give it time.’

 

Rey shrugged the older woman’s arm away and stood up, beginning to pace back and forth. ‘He promised he would take them off. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt anyone, but I knew he would take those cuffs off me and he didn’t.’

 

Eri rose and took the girl by the arm, bringing her back to sit again. ‘Breath. I don’t think you know him as well as you think. I mean it’s been maybe a few months since you met, and that was when he kidnapped you. The two of you have only been speaking for the month or so he’s been here.’

 

Rey shifted slightly. ‘We’ve been speaking longer than that. We have a connection, through the Force. We’ve been speaking since I went to Ahch-to.’

 

Eri pressed her lips together. ‘So… On Crait. You two were, what? Friends? He tried to kill all of us Rey.’

 

Rey shook her head. ‘I thought I saw light in him. That’s why I went to find him, but we had different ideas of where our friendship was going.’

 

Eri stood up. ‘Did he try- I’ll go back in there right now and shoot him again, patient or not.’

 

Rey laughed a little and shook her head, feeling more herself as each moment passed. ‘No. Ugh, no. Not that. He thought I would join him, I thought he would join me. We were both wrong. After Crait… I saw him but I didn’t speak. He tried to start a conversation a few times, but I didn’t want to speak to him. And then he arrived here and I thought maybe…’

 

‘Maybe he had changed.’ Eri finished. ‘I think he has, a little. Or at least he’s trying to. But if you want to avoid him for a while it might be a good idea.’

 

Rey shook her head. ‘He’s running away. That’s all. The First Order kicked him out so he came here. He’s a coward.’ She said, disgust obvious in her tone.

 

Eri nodded her head to one side. She didn’t disagree. But Rey was scowling again and… Maker help her she was going to carry on defending Kylo Kriffing-Ren. ‘He came here for a reason though. He had a whole galaxy. He could have gone to hide somewhere in the Outer-Rim. I’m not saying he’s not a coward, but coming here meant something. I think he messed up again today. I think he’ll mess up more in the future and I’m not saying I think letting him live is a good plan, but if I can speak frankly, there’s clearly something between the two of you. I don’t think that killing him would be all that good for you, even if it benefits the Resistance.’ 

 

Rey glared. ‘Everyone thinks there’s something going on. I just... Well there’s nothing now anyway.’ She folded her arms.

 

. ‘You’re taking all of this very hard for someone who feels nothing.’ Eri said softly. ‘It’s probably for the best anyway. If Leia’s leaving this up to Poe…’ she trailed off and Rey turned towards the exit. 

 

‘I need to talk to Poe.’ 

 

Eri put down the scanner and shook her head. ‘Sounds like a plan. I think you’re fine physically. Take it easy though, ok.’ 

 

Rey nodded and turned back to give Eri a quick hug. ‘Thanks for… you know.’ Eri hugged the girl back and watched as she left. She tapped the scanner in her hand before moving to the exit herself. She had another melodramatic kid to deal with. 

 

 

Rey strode down the corridor purposefully. She knew she needed to talk some sense into Poe. He couldn’t just kill Kylo, sure he was an idiot, but he had been trying. She recognised that. He had definitely been learning about the Force while he had been here, though his ideas were very different to hers. She knew he was trying to strike a balance between dark and light, which meant he had turned from the dark in some way and was finding a path back towards the light. Once he’d found his balance she was fairly certain she could pull him further towards the light. If there was even a tiny chance he could go back to being Ben Solo then killing him was senseless. It made sense for the Resistance, sure, but it would also make sense to have two powerful Force-users on side. She wasn’t going to let anyone kill him. It wouldn’t be right. Well. It would probably be justified at least, she could accept that, but it still couldn’t happen. Not while he was  _ here.  _ It didn’t matter if he’d freaked out a little. He’d just have to stop freaking out. She could help him with that when she was finished being cross with him. She’d happily meditate with him and help him to focus on positive emotions. Did he have any positive emotions? He seemed at least vaguely amused sometimes. That was a start. She could help with other things. She could help him be happy. Killing him was not an option. She steeled herself before approaching Poe. She was going to make him see how ridiculous this was.

 

‘So. Killing Ren. What’s your plan?’

 

Poe turned to her, shocked at her apparently business-like tone. ‘Wow, I thought you’d have more objections than this. If you’re in it makes life easier I suppose. I have to say your coming in hard on this, I haven’t actually made any decisions yet.’

 

Rey nodded. ‘Yeah, well he’s evil right? So we just kill him. Hey we could do it with his own lightsaber, that seems appropriate.’

 

Poe watched her carefully, concerned by how manic she seemed. ‘Rey are you ok? Last time we had this discussion you were very firmly on the other side of the fence. I genuinely don’t know what we’re going to do yet.’

 

Rey shrugged. ‘I’m fine. I just need to know what you want me to do. I assume you’ll want me to be the one who does it.’

 

Poe took her by the arm and pulled her over to a seat. ‘Look, Rey,’ he started, irritation showing in his voice. ‘I told you I haven’t decided what to do. I honestly don’t know if this is another test Leia’s giving me. Ordinarily if we’d captured a prisoner we’d use them for negotiations right? Especially one as high profile as Ren, but from what you told us the First Order don’t want him back. But if we just execute him we’re as bad as they are. He’s not attacking us, mostly. He’s just an inconvenience at this point. And I am  _ not  _ going to ask you to kill someone when I know full well you have feelings for them.’

 

‘I do not have  _ feelings  _ for him. He’s a friend. And thank you, that was one of the things I was worried about.’ Rey answered, but she felt her cheeks burning. ‘He was a friend. Now I don’t know what he is. I can think of a few things I’d like to call him but friend isn’t one of them. Do you need to talk about this decision though? I’m happy to just listen if you want.’

 

Poe shook his head. ‘The cuffs are the only way forward that I can see. He can’t just stay in the cell forever. Unless he’s willing to actually work for us properly. As a Jedi.’

 

Rey tried to stop herself cracking up. Just the thought of Ren accepting the title of Jedi was ridiculous. ‘That’s not going to happen anytime soon Poe. Or ever. The cuffs… I’ll talk to him. There might be a compromise we can come to.’

 

Poe looked at her, concerned. ‘You sure you’re ok. You were pretty set on killing him with his own lightsaber a couple of minutes ago…’

 

She screwed her face up at him. ‘I just wanted you to see how ridiculous killing him sounded.’

 

Poe raised an eyebrow. ‘Uhuh. So right after he betrayed your trust you ran over here to save his life. And you don’t have feelings for him.’ He shook his head slightly as Rey glared at him. ‘Hey. I’m not accusing you of anything. It makes sense in a messed up kind of way. If he’s here and he’s going to behave I don’t see an issue. You’re kind of isolated by the Force stuff regardless of the friendships you have here. He’d get that.’

 

‘First Eri, now you. Everyone seems very set on defending Kylo today. That’s usually my job.’ Rey pushed herself up and headed back towards Ren’s room. Poe had a point, but she wasn’t going to admit it right now. Not while she was furious with the other Force-user. That was probably part of why she was so upset. Things had been so nice with Ren recently. She could talk to him about the Force and though they disagreed they could both speak their minds without anyone being scared off or just bored by them. Their relationship was… comfortable. Having him here, at the edges of her mind all the time had been strangely pleasant now that she didn’t feel any pressure to keep Resistance secrets. He had ruined that now of course. He was putting up some kind of a barrier, or holding himself back or something. Whatever was going on she didn’t feel him right now, even as she made her way down the corridor towards his room. It was probably for the best. If he felt her coming with her intention to get him to try the cuffs he would just do something stupid again and break their relationship even further. 

 

She steeled herself and prepared to go and face him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like 90% of this story is just the argument in my head about why Reylo is good/bad. Today I'm apparently feeling more charitable towards the big dummy, so there we are. Plus I do feel like he's doing a lot better with things, lightsaber theft aside.
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos they make me happy <3


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is just a big gosh darn hero. 
> 
> There is actual discussion of self harm veiled in Force nonsense terms in this chapter.

The sight that greeted Rey when she opened the door was grim. Ren sat beside the twisted ruins of his cot, hands streaked with blood as he grasped uselessly at the broken metal frame. Rey’s anger became confusion and she went to kneel beside him, unsure of where they stood but knowing she needed to intervene. ‘What…?’ she trailed off, completely baffled by the situation.

 

Ren let go of the metal structure and brought his hand to his mouth, sucking the blood from one of the bigger cuts. Rey waited for him to respond. He seemed defeated. His shoulders were slumped and his expression was hard to read, but she could still feel anxiety in the air around them. When he stayed silent she spoke again. ‘What are you doing?’ He gestured to the bed. She could feel herself getting angry again, but she tried to squash the feeling down. ‘I’m going to need you to say something. Otherwise I’ll just leave.’

 

He didn’t want that. He didn’t know what to say though. ‘Sorry.’ He began. ‘I shouldn’t have left you wearing those things. They’re awful. Are you ok?’ 

 

Rey shook her head in confusion. ‘I’m fine. They’re really not that bad, well. Ok they’re not pleasant, but they didn’t have any permanent effect. What upset me was you breaking your promise. I need to know I can trust you, otherwise how do I convince anyone else they can?’

 

Ren held up one of his bleeding hands. ‘I was going to do this without the Force. I can just not use it, at least not visibly. That way I don’t need to wear them.’

 

Rey rolled her eyes. ‘So what? You were going to mend this with your bare hands? How was that ever going to work?’

 

He shrugged slightly. ‘I don’t know. It wasn’t.’

 

Rey sighed and looked over the bed. ‘We need tools anyway, the metal’s torn apart.’ She glanced at his hands. ‘You know that though. You used that to injure yourself again.’ She scowled. ‘Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you conveniently injure yourself everytime you’re upset.’

 

‘Last time Poe shot me.’ He retorted, ignoring her larger point.

 

‘I’m pretty sure last time you punched the wall. And you could have stopped Poe shooting you. Is that a darkside thing? The pain? It seems like it would be wiser to fight uninjured.’

 

Kylo folded his arms, hiding his hands behind his elbows. ‘It gives you adrenaline and makes you more instinctive in a battle.The rest of the time it’s a welcome distraction.’ He was looking at the ground again.

 

‘I guess that makes sense in a stupid kind of way. But you have to stop it, if nothing else it’s a waste of resources. And I don’t like seeing you in pain.’ Rey’s last statement was quieter than the others, but it made him look up at her.

 

‘Sorry. Again.’ He said sullenly, hands still tucked away. Rey leant forward, resting her chin in her hands. Her forehead almost touched his as he sat hunched forward. 

 

‘Stop that. You don’t get to just apologise again. Plus it’s your body, apologise to yourself not me. My hands are fine.’

 

Kylo unfolded his arms and examined his hands. They weren’t as bad as they had appeared. He had several small cuts, but only a few large ones and even they would heal quickly. Rey was making a fuss about nothing. It was nice, though, that she cared. He looked up, meeting her eyes. ‘I’ll try to stop. But… I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m angry, or upset. I was so jumpy today because I didn’t… You asked me not to hurt myself so I didn’t, but then I hurt you instead. I don’t know how to…’

 

Rey nodded. ‘So ask me for help. Or just tell me what’s wrong. The cuffs thing maybe? I don’t see why you can’t at least try them.’

 

Kylo sat back slightly. ‘We’re back on that?’ Rey nodded and he sighed. ‘I’ve worn them before. I know what they feel like. You know too.’

 

Rey touched her wrists as she replied. ‘It was weird. I felt… kind of numb. Empty. But it wasn’t so bad that I’d rather let someone kill me.’

 

Ren rolled his eyes. ‘When I  wore them Snoke sent stormtroopers after me until I was nearly dead. And he left me to Hux’s mercies once I was suitably restrained and he was bored of the exercise. It was humiliating. I don’t ever want to feel that powerless again.’ He spoke quickly and kept his voice steady. This was the second time he had actually spoken about what had happened in that room, but it seemed easier now. It all felt so far away, like a life he had dreamed rather than lived. He looked up at Rey sitting beside him. This felt real. This felt right. 

 

Rey’s eyes softened in sympathy. ‘But nobody here is going to hurt you. Not unless you strike first. You’re not with the First Order anymore, and you’re not going back there either if I can help it.’

 

Kylo shook his head again. ‘For you it was just a few minutes. You’re asking me to give up my connection to the Force. It’d be like asking me to let you cut off my arms.’

 

Rey laughed a little at that. ‘I mean it does seem to be a family tradition. I could cut your arms off instead if you wanted, that’d probably keep Poe and the rest of them happy for a bit.’

 

Ren looked at her aghast for a moment before realising she was joking. ‘It’s still a no on the limb removal. Nice to know I have options though.’  

 

Rey smiled, glad to see his mood begin to turn. ‘What if you only wore the cuffs when you weren't in here. Or if I wasn’t with you? I might be able to sell Poe on that.’

 

Kylo nodded. ‘I know I don’t have a right to ask for any of this. I appreciate it. I don’t intend to spend a lot of time wandering around the base anyway.’

Rey chuckled. ‘Well we need to go grab some bacta from Eri, get some tools for your bed and explain the plan to Poe so you’re going to have to do some wandering.’

 

His eyes widened. He could see himself putting the cuffs on in the future, to keep Rey happy, but now? Now was very immediate. He wasn’t ready. It had only been an hour or so since Finn and Poe had been shooting at him, he didn’t think they’d be thrilled to see him up and about.  Rey stood and waited for him to follow. 

 

‘I, um. I don’t know that now is the best time.’

 

Rey grabbed his elbow and pulled him up anyway. ‘You can walk now, I’m not running errands for you anymore.’

 

He scowled and she walked across towards the entrance, grabbing the box and heading back towards him. He backed up a little and Rey raised an eyebrow. ‘You know you’ll just hit the wall right? Come on, it’s not so bad. If it is tell me and I’ll do one last errand run. We can build it up gradually.’ 

 

Ren nodded slowly, still backing up until his hands were flat against the wall behind him. Rey shook her head exasperated. ‘Well you found the wall.’ She looked pointedly at his hands until he raised them and she opened one of the cuffs. She watched him carefully as she clipped the dull dark metal around his wrist. He swallowed nervously as she reached for the other one. 

 

‘That’s the one I’m not so keen on.’ He said quietly, false bravado colouring his tone. ‘We could stick with just the one for now.’

 

Rey held the cuff open around his wrist, cradling his huge hand in her own. ‘I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t actually affect your ability to use the Force.’ She looked down. ‘Ready?’

 

He nodded, though he wasn’t, and she clipped it closed. He gasped as he felt his connection with the Force severed, glad for the cool expanse of stone behind him that kept him from stumbling. to his knees. He felt heavy, every breath feeling wrong and strange, taking too much of his energy. He closed his eyes for a moment, adjusting to this new way of being, and Rey went to withdraw her hands. He grasped them, not wanting to lose his sense of  _ her.  _ It had been keeping him at least on the edge of sanity for the past month and once her hands were gone he wouldn’t be able to feel her anymore. Above anything, that was what terrified him. He opened his eyes. Rey was looking at him quizzically.

 

‘Sorry. I need… I-’

 

She knew what he meant. ‘It was strange for me too. It was one of the first things I noticed to be honest; you’ve been so present, even when we’ve been doing different things, losing that was… It wasn’t nice. Of course I had something to distract me.’

 

He shifted uncomfortably and Rey smirked at him. ‘Right. Shall we?’

 

She briefly let go of his hand and he clenched his fist, reopening one of the cuts in the process. She tutted and took his arm. ‘I’m still here. I just didn’t want to hurt your hand. Now I just don’t want to get blood on me.’

 

‘One of the many disadvantages of the Jedi order.’ He said snidely. ‘Pale clothes. Black is a lot more forgiving.’

Rey elbowed him in the ribs, but he still smirked at her. ‘Yeah. Well you’ll find there’s a lot less bleeding in general on the light side so it’s less of an issue.’  He glared good naturedly at her retort, but left the argument there. He wasn’t particularly invested in defending the darkside, but he did miss his black robes, if only for the reason that they didn’t leave his ankles cold like the undersized jumpsuit he wore now.

 

Eri was shocked to see both of them together outside the small room down the corridor, but not wholly surprised that Kylo had managed to injure himself again. She quietly noted Rey’s arm through his, as well as the dull metal cuffs and his slightly nauseous expression. She showed them where the Bacta was kept and told Kylo he was welcome to help himself as long as he logged what he had used. 

 

Once they had left the medbay, Ren’s hands now cleaned and bandaged where necessary, they started to walk down the corridor, but Rey could see his hesitancy. 

 

_ Come on. It’ll be ok. _

 

She reached out her mind, placing the words in his head, but felt nothing. She glanced down at the cuffs. He was looking at her now, eyebrows raised. ‘That’s not going to work.’ He said simply, and she furrowed her brow. 

 

‘How did you know what I was doing?’

 

He smirked again, weakly as he tried to ignore the strange emptiness in the pit of his stomach. ‘I can’t use the Force right now, I’m not blind. I can see you trying to get into my head because you’re staring at my ear like you’re trying to literally climb into my brain.’

 

Rey blushed and looked down. She hadn’t noticed what she was doing in all honesty. ‘Oh. Well at least I’m not shoving my hand against your temple dramatically.’ She looked up to see some genuine feeling creeping in behind his smile.

 

‘Only because you can’t reach my temple.’ He retorted. 

 

Rey went to reply but decided to let him have this victory. It was probably the only one he would be winning in the near future given his current situation. He stopped again when they reached the end of the passageway, looking out into the expanse of the main cavern. ‘This is… quaint.’ He said eventually, taking in the rocks being used as tables to support outdated tech. Despite his low, quiet voice a few heads turned to see who was there. Those who had turned muttered to others and soon there was a hush over the whole room. The whisper reached Poe and Finn who frowned when they saw Rey and Kylo standing in the passageway. Kylo cleared his throat and disentangled his arm from Rey’s, speaking quickly but loud enough for everyone to hear.

 

‘I’m wearing the cuffs. I have no weapons and if you kick me in my right knee I’ll be unable to walk. Go back to what you were doing please.’

 

There were several dark looks, and mutterings about how they weren’t going to follow the orders of a First Order traitor, but for the most part people went back to what they were doing, satisfied that there would be no major incident with Ren in the room. Poe approached them. ‘You’re wearing the cuffs.’ He said, addressing Kylo, though he shot an appreciative look at Rey. ‘Good. It makes life easier for all of us.’ Kylo nodded and looked at Rey who scowled at him.

 

‘You are capable of speaking for yourself, Kylo.’ He shook his head mutely and she continued. ‘Fine. Look we talked about this and he’s happy to wear them while he’s out of his room, though I’d like it if we could train together without them sometimes.’

 

Poe nodded. ‘That seems reasonable. You’ll head out beyond the hangar to train though?’

 

Rey nodded, and Kylo’s spirits lifted at the prospect of being outside again. Poe smiled at both Force-users and held his hand out to Kylo. ‘We have a deal then?’

 

Kylo couldn’t help but feel a little trapped by the two Resistance members. He recalled that Rey had said he wouldn’t have to wear the cuffs if she was with him, but apparently the deal had changed. He twisted one of the cuffs on his wrist, wishing he could reach out and query this without bringing Poe into it. Poe cleared his throat. ‘What?’ 

 

‘It doesn’t matter.’ He could stand the cuffs. It was fine. If he couldn’t he’d just go back to his room. The prospect of training again, even without his saber, was too appealing to pass up in favour of further bargaining. He shook Poe’s hand and the pilot beamed. 

 

‘Great. That’s great. I’m going to go and tell your Mom we don’t need to kill you!’ 

 

Kylo furrowed his brow. He had been aware of the plans for him, kriff he’d even found himself supporting them at times, but hearing it said so bluntly was strange.  ‘You don’t even need to sever any of my limbs.’ he said eventually, shooting Rey a sideways look. Poe looked confused but Ren continued. ‘I’ll tell her. If that’s ok?’ He looked to Poe, who was sure he must be dreaming at this point in the conversation. 

 

‘Uh, yeah. Sure. I’ll come too though she is expecting me to report on the situation. Even if the situation does decide to go ahead and explain itself.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like maybe my chapter summaries are becoming less and less useful but still. Do we need them? The chapter's right there. 
> 
> So the Reylo stuff is beginning to ramp up now you guys. They might actually have a conversation about feelings one of these days rather than just brooding and/or living in denial.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo talks to Leia about his decision. He and Rey also talk.

As he stepped out into the expanse of the main cavern Kylo immediately regretted his decision. Rey had squeezed his arm in parting and gone to speak with Finn, presumably to explain their new terms. He was alone, unarmed and without the Force he was utterly defenseless. Even his physical strength was diminished by the various injuries littering his body. He tried to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. He was vaguely aware of Poe Dameron beside him, awkwardly trying to make conversation, but the dull empty ache was spreading throughout his body now and he couldn’t listen. He needed to concentrate just to keep himself upright. Even without the Force he could feel resistance members watching as they crossed the room. He stumbled slightly, unable to support his weak knee without his connection to the Force and his breath came sharp and shaky, betraying his inner struggle to the man walking beside him. Poe stopped, offering his hand for the taller man to steady himself, but Kylo refused. 

 

‘Are you ok?’ Poe asked quietly, attempting to keep their conversation as private as possible.

 

Kylo fidgeted with one of the dull metal cuffs around his wrist, the source of his current discomfort. ‘Does it matter?’ He said sullenly.

 

Poe paused for a second. Did it? It would matter to General Organa he supposed, so he continued the conversation. ‘It does to some people here. Your Mom won’t thank me if I let you pass out in the middle of the central area.’ 

 

Ren scowled at that. He already felt weak and useless, he didn’t need Poe to point it out. ‘I’m not going to  _ pass out.’  _ He spat. ‘I just need to get used to it.’

 

Poe nodded ignoring Ren’s tone. The man had agreed to wear the cuffs which were obviously not pleasant; he deserved a little slack. ‘Look I was going quickly so you could get away from people quicker, but we can slow down if that works.’

 

Ren nodded weakly, wanting to be moving again. People were still watching, noting how pathetic he seemed without the Force to help him. He didn’t know why Poe was being so accommodating but he was grateful for the slower pace. He should be concentrating on this journey. If he was able to move freely around the base it would be useful to know where he was going, though he doubted he would voluntarily spend a great deal of time outside his room if this was the cost. Concentrating on memorising the route helped. It made him focus on something other than the ache of his mind constantly reaching for something it couldn’t find. As they reached the passage leading out of the back of the cavern, towards the barracks, they found themselves alone. Poe turned to find Ren a few paces back, crouched with his head in his hands. He furrowed his brow and moved back towards the other man. ‘You need a minute?’ Ren nodded and Poe leant against the wall, keeping an eye out for anyone who might be alarmed by Ren’s apparent freak out. Moments later though the other man rose, towering over Poe once again, and cleared his throat.

 

‘Sorry. This is… a lot. I’ll be ok once I can take them off. Let’s get this over with.’  __  He moved past Poe who jogged a little to catch up. 

 

‘You realise you don’t know where you’re going right?’ He said as he caught up. ‘She’s in there.’ He pointed to a room that was curtained off just before the tunnel opened out into the main barracks. As he spoke the curtain opened and Leia was there. She paused for a moment when she noticed her son, taking in his paler than usual complexion and looking down to check his wrists. She smiled gently when she saw he was wearing the cuffs and turned to Poe. ‘Thank you, Commander. I assume you’re here to give me a decision?’

 

Poe nodded and explained the terms. Leia’s smile broadened and she turned to her son. ‘Thank you, Ben. I understand that this is difficult. You’re being very brave.’

 

Kylo scowled and his cheeks flooded with colour. ‘I’m not a child, mother.’ he said tersely. Poe shifted uncomfortably and Leia released her son’s hands. 

 

‘Of course. Sorry.’ She said, unsure of how to proceed. They could talk now, at least. He let her call him Ben and he shared his feelings with her when she pressed, but there was still so much awkwardness between them. The cuffs couldn’t be helping. His colour had risen in embarrassment, but the rest of his face was still too pale. She looked at Poe again. ‘Commander Dameron, thank you for making this decision for me. I’m going to escort my son back to his room so we can take those cuffs off for a while.’ She looked pointedly at Kylo who had leaned back against the wall, eyes closed again. ‘I think we might need to try short stretches to begin with.’  

 

Though he wouldn’t admit it, Leia’s arm through his was helping. The strange disconnected feeling had been getting worse; he felt simultaneously as though he was weighed down but could float away at any moment. Nothing felt real, but the arm through his was grounding him, stopping him from falling through the floor, or floating away. He gripped it tightly as they made their way through the tunnels and back to his room. As soon as they got there Leia took his wrist and removed one of the cuffs. He took a deep steadying breath as he felt the Force rush back around him like the tide rushing to fill a pool left empty. He flexed his fingers as Leia removed the other cuff and the broken metal frame of the cot shook slightly. Leia chuckled as she saw relief fill his features and the colour begin to appear again in his complexion. ‘Still works.’ She said quietly, her tone amused.

 

He looked at her, apparently having forgotten she was in the room. ‘Still works.’ He repeated, examining the remains of his bed. 

 

Leia caught his eye. ‘I’m not going to outstay my welcome this time, but I meant what I said. I do think you’re being brave. I know it took a lot for you to come here, more for you to put on the cuffs. I know you’re trying. I’m trying too. I’d like it if we could both keep trying to move forward.’

 

Kylo nodded. ‘I’d like that too.’ He said quietly, desperately trying to rebuild the bridges he’d almost managed to burn again with his earlier outburst. He looked again at the cot and moved his hand. The metal moved back into place but when he let go it fell apart again. He groaned. ‘Is there a plasma-welder anywhere I can use for this?’ He asked exasperated by his failure to just click his fingers and fix the damned thing.

 

Leia smiled and shook her head slightly. ‘I imagine there are all manner of tools stashed about the Falcon. I’ll go and have a look.’ She passed Rey on her way out and stopped to pull her into a one armed hug. ‘You’re ok now?’ She asked the Jedi. 

 

‘I’m ok.’ Rey confirmed. She glanced at Leia, wondering if it was a good idea to raise her newly discovered feelings about Ben Solo with his mother. Now was not the time, directly outside his room, but she did want to talk about it. ‘Can we… Can we talk later?’ Leia looked at her puzzled. 

 

‘Of course.’ She paused, examining Rey’s anxious expression. ‘You’re sure you’re ok? You don’t have to go in there, I took the cuffs off myself.’

 

Rey shook her head. ‘No, it’s not that. Kylo doesn’t make me anxious. Angry maybe, but not anxious. We’ll talk later ok?’ Leia smiled at her and let her go, heading out towards the hangar.

 

Rey pushed the curtain aside to find Ren holding two parts of the metal frame and concentrating. He dropped them when she sat on the ground beside him and turned to face her instead.

 

‘Hi.’ He shot her a small smile and she grinned back. 

 

‘Hi yourself.’ she responded finding herself strangely shy. She screwed her eyes shut for a moment and opened them again. She was being stupid. She had been happy enough talking to him before everyone had decided she was besotted with him.  ‘What are you doing?’

 

He gestured vaguely towards the bed. ‘I was trying to fix it again. With the Force this time. I should be able to heat these somehow. I’m trying to figure it out.’

 

Rey rolled her eyes. ‘You know we have tools. You don’t have to use the Force for everything. I really don’t think that whatever cosmic purpose there is in our having it involves fixing your bed.’ 

 

He sat back, coming down from his knees. ‘Let’s not get into that again. I was just bored. My mother went to find some tools.’ Rey nodded.

 

‘I see. I stop running errands for you and you run right back to your mother and get her to do it instead.’ 

 

Kylo raised an eyebrow at her, maintaining a deadpan expression. ‘That’s it yeah. You were too assertive so I found someone else to get things for me. My main objective is to never leave this room.’ 

 

Rey shook her head at him. ‘You have some strange goals Ben Solo.’ She put her hand to her mouth when he froze, expression hard to read. ‘Sorry. Kylo. I don’t know why I called you that.’

 

He continued to study her, but she didn’t feel any anger from him, or even anxiety. He just seemed confused. ‘I- It’s fine. I don’t mind. Call me what you want.’

 

She watched him carefully. ‘Are you sure? I really didn’t mean to call you that.’

 

He pressed his lips together thoughtfully. ‘No it’s... ok. I guess I’ve just got used to my mother calling me Ben again, I don’t… It doesn’t bother me.’

 

Rey nodded slowly. ‘Ok. You know I prefer Ben.’ She smiled at him again and he swallowed. He was making a lot of decisions today apparently. 

 

‘Not many people are big fans of Kylo.’ He allowed, focussing back on the pieces of the broken bed frame. 

 

Rey grabbed his hand, careful to avoid the bandaged areas. ‘He’s been ok lately. I’ve become quite fond of him. I can see myself becoming more fond of Ben though.’ She said, cheeks burning as she stared at the ground.

 

Kylo felt his heart stop for a second. Did she mean- No probably not. But if she did? If she did she could call him whatever she wanted. He cleared his throat. ‘Well I’m glad somebody likes them. I’m not a huge fan of either.’ He said, deflecting. 

 

Rey rolled her eyes, but kept his hand in hers. She turned it over, examining it. The bacta strips he had applied earlier were doing their job and the cuts were barely visible. She looked up at him. He had moved closer to allow her easier access to his hand for whatever reason she wanted it. She could feel his breath on her face. She smiled again. ‘I mean it.’ she said softly. ‘I really do quite like you.’ She did. Maker help her, she really did like him. She liked his stupidly large hands and his huge dark eyes. She liked how hard he was trying to be good. She liked how uncertain he was about everything; it gave her leave to be just as unsure. She liked how much he helped her even when he disagreed with what she was doing. She liked his presence at the edge of her mind as she went about her day. She liked his warmth beside her even more.

 

She liked his mouth.

 

She leant in closer as he inclined his head, their noses almost touching.

 

Leia walked in. He sat up quickly and she let go of his hand. Had he been about to kiss her? She bit the inside of her lip, fighting back a grin. Kylo rose, cheeks burning again and went to take the roll of tools Leia proffered. He moved back towards the bunk, deliberately avoiding looking at Rey. Leia watched the two awkwardly navigate the small space, pulling out tools as they steadfastly avoided eye contact. She cleared her throat. ‘Rey, I wonder if you might like to have that talk now?’ 

 

The girl looked up from the molecular torch she had been gazing at studiously and blinked a few times. ‘Yeah. I think that’d be a good idea.’ She stood, leaning on Ren’s shoulder in the process. He looked up at her again and she shot him a grin. ‘No more errand-girl I guess. I’ll see you later Ben.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fairly nervous about this part because I am bad at writing romance (why are you writing this fic then? you ask. I don't know none of this was planned it just happened.) and also their relationship is super unhealthy and weird so I'm trying to fix that but you know. Blah blah problematic ship blah. At least I'm ignoring all my Kylux plot bunnies right?
> 
> Anyway I hope you're enjoying these idiots being all lovey dovey.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia and Rey have a talk. We also hear from Chewie!

The two women walked in companionable silence until they reached the relative privacy of Leia’s room; a small cave given to her at Poe’s insistence that she have her own space rather than sharing the barracks with everyone else. She had objected, but ultimately been grateful for a place away from the youthful enthusiasm of most of her forces. Now she was pleased there was a space she could counsel Rey without their conversation becoming the topic of gossip. ‘So, you’re calling him Ben again?’ she began, sitting on her bed and gesturing for Rey to follow. ‘I assume that’s what you wanted to talk about.’ She raised her eyebrows and waited for Rey to respond.

 

Rey smiled slightly. ‘Not specifically his name. That just happened and he didn’t object so I ran with it.’

 

Leia thought for a moment. This was either a big step for him, or... ‘I suppose he wouldn’t object if it’s you. I imagine he’d let you do pretty much anything you wanted.’ She shot Rey a smile, watching her reaction from the corner of her eye. Rey blushed and looked down. 

 

‘I think I can convince him to go by Ben generally. Give me another week.’ She recovered quickly and grinned at Leia who just shook her head, amused but tired. 

 

‘You could probably convince him to let everyone call him Padme if you batted your eyelashes at him, Rey. What exactly did you want to discuss?’ 

 

Rey bit the inside of her lip, concerned again that she was being stupid and she should just leave this, but then… They had almost kissed earlier. She was sure of that, and it was a big step. Love was never something that she had considered as part of her life. Everything had changed so quickly from the time when surviving the day had been her only priority; she had friends now, and a cause and she was important. She was  _ loved.  _ She had come so far but whatever this thing was with Ben was new all over again. It was like the first time she had reached out with the Force deliberately. it was exciting and terrifying and she needed to keep exploring and learning more. Leia could help. She had been in love, she might know what to do.

 

‘I’ve told a lot of people I don’t have feelings for your son,’ She began, choosing her words carefully. ‘I think I might have been lying.’

 

Leia put an arm around the girl’s shoulder, laughing a little. ‘I can’t say I’m surprised. I am glad you’ve noticed - we can talk about this properly now.’ 

 

Rey nodded, turning on the bed and crossing her legs in front of her. ‘I think he was going to kiss me today. Before you came in. Or I was going to kiss him. I don’t know. I don’t really know what I’m doing.’

 

Leia turned her torso to make eye contact with Rey, expression stern. ‘I didn’t realise the two of you were that close yet. I know you’ve been spending a lot of time together, but I don’t think starting a relationship is a good idea right now. We still don’t know what he’s planning on doing in all of this. He’s trying to be better, but I still don’t think he knows what he’s doing.’

 

Rey sucked her cheek in for a moment considering what Leia had said. ‘I suppose. That sounds sensible I just- I want to- I think if he knows how I feel then maybe that’ll help him to be better.’

 

Leia closed her eyes, drawing on her inner strength to get her through this conversation. As far as she recalled, Han had done all the work in the early days of their relationship. All she had done was shoot him down and concentrate on more important things. All this sitting around waiting for correspondence and rebuilding was new to her. During the rebellion she would have manufactured a mission for herself and run off regardless of what their leadership had said. She had after the battle of Yavin. She’d been in trouble, but she’d done good and kept herself occupied. She wondered idly if there was something she could send Rey to do. Not really. She could make something, but Poe and Eri would rightly point out that having Rey around kept everyone safe while Ben was with them. ‘Look, Rey. From my limited experience in this field, you can’t change someone by loving them. Life changes people, sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse. Han learned a lot during the rebellion; we both did. He changed, but not as much as you’d think. He was still never going to be one to settle down for long stretches at a time. You need to consider that once Ben works out who he is, chances are he’s not going to be hugely different to how he is now.’

 

Rey had been listening intently and took the time to think before she responded. ‘I like him how he is now.’

 

Leia pressed her fingers into the inner corners of her eyes, squeezing them closed as she did so. ‘I wonder if the comparison to how he was a few months ago isn’t doing him some fairly huge favours.’ She said dryly. ‘Look, I love him, he’s my son. But he’s still not exactly trustworthy. He’s trying but he’s still got a lot of rage to deal with, and he’s massively insecure. I don’t think a relationship is the best thing for him right now.’

 

Rey stood up. ‘He’s more than that. He’s just scared, he wants to be better. You know he’s reading those books? He doesn’t want to be a Jedi, but he’s reading them anyway to make you happy and to help me. Snoke messed with his brain, he doesn’t know how to be a person at the moment, but I can help him. We can’t just leave him to work things out on his own.’

 

Leia ran a thumb across her lower lip. ‘Last time I thought I was helping him by asking someone I trusted to take responsibility for him I lost him and very nearly everything else I held dear. I think he might need a little room to work out who he’s going to be from now on.’

 

Rey scowled. ‘I don’t think we’re going to agree on this.’ She went to leave, but Leia rose and put out a hand to stop her.

 

‘Rey, wait. I hope you know no matter what you decide I will still be here to help in whatever way I can. I just think it’s important you see the truth of the situation.’

 

Rey nodded, subdued. ‘Understood. Thank you.’ She stalked out of the room and Leia shook her head. Maybe the two were more similar than she had thought. She sighed and stood, following Rey out of her room and back towards the main base of operations. She passed Rey, who had stopped to talk with Finn, Poe and Rose. Three of the four were laughing while Poe watched disgruntled. Leia patted him on the shoulder as she passed, unsure of what he was currently being harassed about, but feeling for him nonetheless. 

 

She made her way to the series of tunnels that lead to the cave’s exit and headed back towards the Falcon. As usual she found Chewie moping around attempting to fix things that didn’t really need attention. He moaned in greeting and she went to stand beside him, half-heartedly trying to work out what he was doing. They stood in silence before Chewie turned to Leia, questioning her mood. 

 

‘I’m fine. It’s just-’ She paused as Chewie interjected again. ‘Well yes, but Rey too. I don’t know what I should be doing to be honest.’ The Wookiee gestured to the toolbox and she passed him the energy torch as she explained the situation further. Chewie’s response was half-hearted, and Leia smiled sadly. ‘You know you used to like him. I seem to remember you being used as a pillow on more than one occasion.’ Chewie shook his head and groaned. Leia put a hand on his arm and looked down. ‘I know. But he’s trying. I can see that. I’ve been working to forgive him.’ Chewie huffed. ‘Yeah, well. That can be your job. I think Han would have appreciated us sharing the load like this. I’ll deal with our delinquent son moving forward, you can hold the grudge.’ Chewie put his head to one side, moaning again. ‘You know I think he’d still be annoyed if you killed his son.’ She listened to the response and shrugged. ‘I guess I’m just wired that way. Rey- I don’t know what’s going on with her. She doesn’t have my excuses. You can go and tell her about how unforgivable he is.’ Chewie put the tool down and Leia laughed. ‘Please don’t, Chewie. She’s heard that enough from everyone else here. I’m pretty sure the more we tell her she can’t save him the more determined she is to prove us wrong.’ Chewie didn’t make a sound, but the look on his face spoke volumes. Leia rolled her eyes. ‘Of course I’d like her to be right. That doesn’t mean I think she is.’ She shook her head slowly. ‘I don’t know Chewie. Han was always better at the practicalities. I did the big picture stuff.’ She reached up to pat Chewie’s shoulder as she went to leave. ‘He might be coming by to train with Rey at some point. Not today, he’s had the cuffs on long enough, but later in the week. Try not to grievously injure him.’ Hearing his suspiciously measured response she narrowed her eyes. ‘Or injure him at all. I’m not saying you have to talk to him, just ignore him.’ The Wookiee grumbled but went back to work as Leia headed back into the complex of tunnels that currently served as their home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like this chapter but it needed to be here for the flow of things. I don't know. I feel like there's not much to say in the chapter but I think it's important for Rey and Leia to talk about things. Also I wanted a bit more depth for Leia because I read the Leia comic and the book recently and I love her so much. Anyways I have a chest infection so this is the best you're going to get.
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo tries to have a good day. Let's see how that works out.

Kylo woke the next day feeling better than he had since he’d arrived. He had altered the bed slightly, redistributing the support structure so it was a few inches longer, and he could lie straight with no part of him hanging off the edge. He rose, the twinge in his knee and shoulder barely registering at this stage. He glanced across at the cuffs, which he had banished to the corner of the room in their small box. He could leave the room now without causing any major hysteria in the base; that was a strange thought. He didn’t know where he would go, but the option was nice. Of course it meant putting on the cuffs. His stomach turned again at the thought of them and he swallowed. He would put them on today. If there was anywhere he did want to go it was outside. He was used to spending long stretches of time without sunlight, but the hastily thrown together resistance base didn’t even have the simulated cycles of the ships he was used to. The lack of natural light, or at least a synthesised version of it made it hard to tell how quickly time was moving. He could use the Force to feel the speed at which the planet moved and try to calculate standard time, but honestly that was a lot of mental gymnastics for something fairly inconsequential. 

He wandered over to the curtain where Eri had pushed in the usual morning pile of clean clothes, a basin and a ration pack. He was pleased to see his own clothes returned to him this morning. He had been unsure as to whether his mother had decided to do away with his black attire, in favour of ill fitting scraps scrounged from the meagre resources of the Resistance. He shrugged off the jumpsuit and pulled on his tunic and pants. He looked over at the cuffs again. He could try them. With any luck he would be able to go out with Rey and train today. He wondered vaguely as he ate whether they would let him use his lightsaber again. He’d happily train alone. Rey could come with him initially to take the cuffs and then he’d replace them. Of course training with Rey would be… exhilarating. There was no question there; she had so much raw talent and her technique had improved massively without any real tutelage over the time they’d known each other. He would appreciate the opportunity to help her improve further. He couldn’t help letting his mind wander back to what had happened last night. He had nearly kissed her. That was probably ill-advised. He didn’t know exactly what Luke had told her about the Jedi lifestyle, though it seemed his skill as an educator had not improved since Kylo himself had been training based on the basic understanding Rey seemed to have been given before she had left him to rot. That might be a good thing. A lot of those rules made no sense anyway.

Although… 

This was frustrating. He missed having somebody to act as his conscience. He didn’t really trust his own, though for now he was mostly just irritated at somehow knowing the right moral choice, and it being very much to his disadvantage. He sat on the edge of the bed. He had done considerable research into the failure and corruption of the Jedi order prior to their near-annihilation as part of his training under Snoke, and a thought tugged at his mind now. When were the stringent rules regarding relationships introduced? He had seen no sign of anything about relationships as far as he had read in the books. He could research further if he had the resources. It was occurring to him now that the records of the Jedi he had found in the datacons the Empire had seen fit to send off with the beginnings of the First Order at the start of the New Republic may have been somewhat biased. He frowned, combing his fingers through his hair, good mood slipping away. 

‘Hey.’ Rey spoke from the doorway. She used her shoulder to push herself off the cave wall and walked across to the corner. She picked up the box that held the cuffs and walked back to him, throwing them down beside him. ‘You want to go stab some rocks?’ She stood in front of him, arms crossed, waiting for a response.

He looked up at her, bemused, but pulled the box over and clicked open one of the cuffs, putting it on. He put the other one around his wrist, but didn’t click it closed. She waited. He sighed and clicked it closed, waiting a moment to acclimatise to the unpleasant feeling that washed over him. When he rose it was still too soon and he put his hand against the wall, using the cool stone to ground himself. He felt suddenly adrift, untethered from reality. He felt Rey’s hand on his arm and he was back. He opened his eyes and smiled weakly in thanks. ‘Sorry.’ He muttered, but she shook her head.

‘It’s fine. I couldn’t stand up when I had them on otherwise I would have just slapped you.’

He furrowed his brow, the thin line of the scar she had dealt him barely noticeable after he had conceded to Eri’s suggestion of another Bacta treatment. ‘You hit me a lot.’ He observed, keeping his tone neutral to hide his amusement. He of all people could appreciate the temptation to use violence when frustrated, and it wasn’t like Rey had ever hurt him without reason. He was pleased to briefly have an excuse to have the upper-hand in their friendship. He doubted these opportunities would often arise so he needed to capitalise.

‘You deserve it a lot.’ She responded, and he shook his head. 

‘I still have a bruise from when I was rude about Jedi in general and you kicked me in the ribs.’

Rey smirked at him. ‘And now you’re coming to get some more bruises. Voluntarily. You’ve even subjected yourself to this,’ she gestured to the cuffs, ‘in order to let me give you more bruises. It’s a bit odd if you ask me, but to each their own i suppose.’ She flashed him a grin, and he rolled his eyes, fighting to keep the blood from rising into his cheeks. Fortunately the cuffs made him paler than usual, and as far as he could tell his irksome reaction to her teasing went by unnoticed. 

‘Right. Yeah let’s go.’ He headed out of the cave and Rey followed, bemused by his apparent need to forge ahead regardless of whether he knew where he was going. She caught up to him and the two walked together. She stayed quiet, allowing him to focus on moving through the tunnels. It was only the second time he had worn the cuffs, and she was impressed by how well he seemed to be handling it. Of course she assumed he was just overdoing it to prove some ridiculous point, but for now she didn’t intend to take him far outside the base. She would take them off as soon as they were beyond the hangar and the chance of running into anyone who would disapprove would be slim.

Just as she thought, once they’d been walking for a few minutes past the hangar, now nearing the end of the shadowed portion beneath the overhang that kept their ships and those working on them clean and dry, there was no sign of anyone. ‘You want those things off?’ She asked, stopping abruptly. He had been walking a few steps behind, focussed on putting one foot in front of the other. As he caught up to her he held out his wrists, palms up, showing the clasps that severed his connection to the Force. She placed her hands over them for a moment and they clipped open. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, momentarily overwhelmed by the returned connection to the world around him. When he opened them, Rey was gone though she felt more present than during the walk out of the base when she had been right beside him. He let himself sink into the unseen world of life that surrounded him and focussed on her. There. She was ahead of him, beyond a small outcrop of rock, moving quickly away from him. They had begun then. It seemed a childish approach to the skills he had spent years learning in two very different, but equally serious disciplines. He didn’t care though, he took off running, supporting his knee with the Force to enable him to move as he was usually able to. He caught up to her waiting. She had stopped and was leaning on a rock. They were on the edge of a steep decline down to a fast moving stream, sparse vegetation colouring the otherwise grey landscape with splashes of yellow. 

‘I didn’t know we were coming out here to play chase.’ He said, pretending that he was above her nonsense. She just raised her eyebrows. 

‘I was just running. You were chasing.’ She pulled his lightsaber from her belt and ignited it, swinging it casually between her hands. ‘I’m happy to start chasing if you want a change.’ She said calmly, but the challenge was issued. He shook his head. 

‘I don’t run from a fight.’ He said quietly, surveying his surroundings, looking for something that could hold off his saber. Of course there was nothing that it couldn’t cut through if that was her intention, but he assumed she wouldn’t be actively trying to kill him. She shrugged. 

‘That’s true. Start fighting then.’ With that she began to advance. He stepped back as she walked forward, buying himself time by maintaining the distance between them. As she picked up the pace, bearing down on him with the saber raised, he shifted his finger subtly by his side and a rock flew up between them, blocking her attack. She grunted as the impact of the blade on the stone surprised her, and span out to the side, putting Kylo back in her field of view, watching his hands carefully, ready to react to whatever he threw at her next. Moving the fingers of one hand to disrupt the pebbles between them and grab her attention, he reached out slowly with his other hand, the Force extending his reach beyond the end of his arm. He grabbed her ankle, pulling it out from under her and she fell backwards. He moved quickly to tower over her, grabbing his saber from her as she fought to catch her breath. He stood to one side, letting her stand. 

‘Are you ok?’ He asked, and she rolled her eyes. 

‘I don’t remember this kind of chivalry in our last fight.’

‘Last time we fought we were working together, and the time before we both had working lightsabers.’He responded, but she shook her head.

‘I can hold my own without a lightsaber, thanks.’ She took her quarterstaff from her back and inched her feet apart, standing in a stable position. She cleared her throat and he charged her, though he kept his focus on the saber, ready to extinguish it in an instant if he needed to. That was his error. She stepped to one side and whacked his calves with the quarterstaff. His momentum took him forward and he stumbled over the edge of the hill, pebbles sliding beneath him as he skidded down towards the stream. He managed to land on his feet, one hand in the stream in front of him steadying himself. Rey jumped after him and the fight continued. 

Eventually they grew tired, each having won their own small victories. He handed his saber back to Rey without thinking, surprising them both with the simple gesture, and proving to Rey how far he’d come in the short time he’d spent there. She was just sorry nobody was there to see it. Of course had there been others there he may not have been so relaxed and she would probably be in trouble for letting him use his lightsaber. He looked at her questioningly as she stared pensively at what he saw as a fairly boring rock in the stream they still stood ankle deep in. She smiled. ‘Just thinking about things.’ He narrowed his eyes but didn’t press the issue. 

‘Do you want to run some drills?’ He asked, not ready to go back yet; The time they had spent sparring and exploring the rocky landscape outside of the resistance base had been the happiest he could remember being in a long time. For a moment he could see himself agreeing to fight with them. If that was what it took to make this a regular occurence, it was not such a big sacrifice. He had put the cuffs on and almost collapsed in front of the remnants of his mother’s forces; he could swallow a little more of his pride. He had compromised more of himself for less reward.

Rey raised an eyebrow, staring pointedly at his injured knee. ‘You sure you’re not pushing it too much? You might not be scared of Eri, but I’d rather not be in her bad books.’

He shrugged. ‘I think I’m beyond bad books with most people. It’s not a huge concern of mine.’

Rey sighed. ‘Ok. I’m not carrying you back though.’ She tossed him his saber again, but he shook his head extending an arm to interrupt its arc and send it back to her. 

‘You should use it. I can show you with your quarterstaff. I’m guessing Poe and my Mother are not going to enthusiastic about me using my saber for now.’

Rey nodded. ‘Your Mother wasn’t happy about me using it too to be honest.’ She watched his expression move through confusion to a frown as she continued. ‘She’s not stopping me. I guess it just felt… off.’

She saw his knuckles whiten around her quarterstaff and noted the dark look that made him seem suddenly older. ‘It’s not the saber.’ He said shortly. ‘I think we should go back.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter. I like the idea of them actually just being dumb kids for a bit.
> 
> Kudos and comments and maybe they'll kiss eventually.
> 
> Also PSA there'll be no porn in this story just in case you're waiting for that - sorry y'all I can't write sex.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is going to be ok. Probably.

Rey scowled at herself. Kriff she was stupid; why had she brought up Leia right now? She knew that line of conversation only ever lead Ben back to his usual brooding self. They had been having fun. She was sure she had seen hints of genuine happiness from him for the first time. Now though he was stalking towards where they had half-run, half-fallen down the incline to the stream.  She shoved the hilt of his saber back into her belt and marched over to him. She grabbed him by the arm and took him to a large flat rock, their feet sending up splashes as each stomped through the stream. Shoving his shoulder she made him sit, and she sat beside him. He looked away and she felt herself becoming frustrated again. Back to square one. She wondered if a different tact would make this go any quicker. She wanted to get back to the place where they had been minutes before, teasing each other and enjoying the small moment of peace and freedom this remote planet afforded them. ‘You need to move past this.’ She said bluntly.

 

He span to face her. ‘Ok.’ He said, tone falsely positive. ‘Do you have any ideas as to how? I-’ he gritted his teeth and swallowed before continuing, forcing the words out. ‘I killed my father.’ He paused, swallowing again before continuing, tone moving from bitter to just defeated. ‘I’ve killed countless others; people that the people here loved; people that you needed for this war. I fell for the Dark Side’s trickery so easily and now I don’t know how to get back. I’m terrified it’ll just be one bad day and I’ll be back in that place where I don’t know where to go or what to do and I have noone I can trust. I don’t want to lose this but I don’t know how to hold on to it. I have to make a decision right? About what I’m going to do. But I don’t know what my choices are at this point.’     

 

She bit her lip. ‘I don’t know. But everyone here is… I forgive you. Your Mother forgave you. Everyone else is working on accepting you, and those that aren’t should in time. You’ve done a lot to win back trust. You have to try to let yourself move on. I mean I didn’t know your father long, but I’m guessing he wouldn’t see the point in all this wallowing. Your mother certainly doesn’t. If you said you’d stay and fight with us she’d have work for you in a heartbeat and she’d expect everyone else to let you get on with it.’

 

He looked at her, the fight fading from his eyes. ‘You can’t understand this. I’m sorry, you don’t…’

 

She narrowed her eyes, irritated even as his tone softened. ‘I don’t have parents? Ok, fine I can’t understand this. If I’m totally honest I don’t think I would have stabbed one of them if they’d stayed. I had people who kept me alive, but that was it. I basically worked as a slave until i was old enough to fight my way out and find some sort of a vague life for myself before all of this happened. So yeah. No parents. I’m so lucky.’

 

He reached out a hand to touch her shoulder but thought better of it, moving it down to shove the quarterstaff beside him closer to her. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean- But I know life hasn’t exactly been easy for you. And here you are still doing the right thing. You’ve always done the right thing. That’s why I don’t understand how you can forgive me.’

 

Rey looked down at their feet.His were planted on the ground, water reaching his ankles, while hers rested against the rock, just above the water level. She reached her hand out without looking and grasped his, irritation dwindling again. ‘I see more than that when I look at you.’ She continued to stare at the stream, watching as it parted to surround the rock. ‘Even when we were on different sides you were interested in me, you listened. And… I see good in you. I saw it then and I see it more clearly now. And you’re what? 26? 25? You’re not exactly old. Stay with us? Be Ben.’

 

He lifted their joined hands, looking over at her, still confused. He put his other hand on top of hers. ‘I don’t know where else i would go.’ He said softly. ‘And I already am Ben. I don’t think I ever really stopped, for all my trying to meditate myself out of existence.’ She smiled and leaned in to his chest, her head nestled beneath his chin. 

 

‘Good. Because I like having you here. I like Ben.’ She said. 

 

They sat in silence for a few moments before he spoke again. ‘I’m twenty-four.’ He leant his cheek against the top of her head, moving one of his arms to rest round her shoulders. She smiled and wrapped her free arm around his waist.

 

‘See. Not that old. You’ve got time, unless you do something really stupid and I have to stab you some more.’ She felt his chest move in a quiet laugh and smiled. His laughs were something she prized, maker-knew she worked hard enough to earn them.

 

‘I’m fairly certain i will do more stupid things.’

 

Rey turned to face him, expression curious as a thought struck her. She could make this better. Her arm was still around his waist, and she extricated the other from his grip to cup his jaw ‘Like this?’ she murmured, pulling him closer. She felt his breath flutter against her skin as he gasped in surprise at her movement and her heart skipped to match. Was this stupid? Probably. Did she want it anyway? Definitely. She had spent too long being sensible, doing the right thing. She wanted to be selfish. She pulled him closer still, leaning up to meet him.

 

His lips were soft against hers, and the sensation was new and familiar all at once. This was right, and she knew it now. She pressed in, feeling his hands on her back now, bringing her closer still. Even as their physical bodies touched, she felt herself falling closer to his energy. For a moment she was lost and confused, reaching out desperately for anything resembling human contact, and then she saw light, and hope and wonder and freedom. She moved towards it and then it was her and she saw him, lost and hopeless and she reached out again bringing him nearer. They met and merged and she didn’t know where she ended and he began, but it was beautiful and bright and exciting and she could do this. This was how she did it, she could save him and make him stay and in time everyone would see how good he could be. How good they could be. 

 

She could do this forever, she thought, but all too soon he pulled back. She pressed her lips together again, savouring every last taste of him on her mouth. She looked up through her lashes, shyness overtaking her. She looked up to see Ben in the same state, cheeks flushed. Shyness overcome as quickly as it had arisen, she laughed at his expression. ‘What?’ She asked as he stared at her in shock.

 

‘I- uh- I wasn’t expecting that. I know we nearly… maybe. We maybe nearly, you know, the other day, before my mother walked in. But I thought I’d imagined it.’ He shrugged and she shook her head. 

 

‘You didn’t.’ She looked down. ‘I’ve thought about that more than I should have done.’

 

He smiled properly now, while her gaze was averted. ‘I’ve thought about it too.’ He said and she snorted. 

 

‘Really? You’ve been so subtle about your feelings. How was I ever to know.’ She said dryly.

 

He rolled his eyes, resting his chin on her head once again. ‘Yeah ok. But how does this work? Eri’s already spoken to me about how this is a terrible idea. i doubt anyone will approve of… us.’ 

 

‘Just Eri?’ Rey asked, mumbling into his chest. ‘I’ve had that conversation with pretty much everyone here.’ 

 

He pressed his face into her hair. ‘So this is going to be interesting.’ 

 

Rey just laughed again. ‘I’ve already made my excuses. Your mother will be pleased, she’ll just pretend not to be.’ She felt his mouth move into a smile against her head. ‘You should let her see you smile.’ she said quietly. ‘I think she’ll be happier with our relationship if she sees it makes you happy.’

He sighed. ‘I think she’s more concerned about you to be honest. I can only go up in her estimation. She thinks I’m a bad influence.’

 

Rey sat back and looked at him appraisingly. ‘We are supposed to be training and instead we’re sitting on a rock kissing. And I’m meant to be getting back to run maneuvers with Poe.’

 

Ben groaned. ‘Right. We should get back then.’ He pushed himself off the rock and stood. Rey pushed herself off beside him splashing down as she landed in the small stream. ‘You started the kissing. That makes you the bad influence today.’ 

 

Rey didn’t respond, but she pushed him as she moved past, heading to a point where she knew they could climb the incline back  up towards the base without the ground giving way. He rolled his eyes and followed, catching up with her quickly. She took his hand as they walked.

 

‘When we kissed, did you feel… me. In the Force? I think I was you, or I felt your feelings, or something. I don’t know. But it was strange, and good. Definitely good.’ She said, noting his concerned expression.

 

The concern disappeared and he smiled again. ‘I think I felt you. I don’t know either. it was a lot all at once. I, uh-.’ He pressed his lips together for a moment, turning his head to make eye contact with her. ‘I felt like everything was going to be ok.’ He said quietly. She grinned and stood on tiptoes, pressing her lips against his again briefly before coming down and continuing forward. He flushed and bit his lip, fighting back a grin. Everything was going to be ok. Now they just had to convince everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And a rousing chorus of 'At last I see the light' from Tangled! So I usually write slow-burn fic for 2 chapters and then give up before we get to the relationship bit so this is all new territory for me. I hope all my googling 'how to write a kiss' was worth it. So much easier when I'm just googling types of tools from the Star Wars universe. Much less subjective.
> 
> So next chapter we'll see if they manage not to make everyone furious with them for being impulsive dummies.
> 
> Kudos and comments make me happy. Special mention goes to Blackeyedlily who is a sweetheart for all their comments. Thanks!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia is happy about some of the changes Ben's made, just not all of them.

Ben held Rey’s arm more closely than he strictly needed to, using the Force-suppression cuffs as his excuse. They had kissed. Below the anxiety about how anyone would react, the vague fear about the inevitable conversation with his mother regarding his intentions, and the guilt he already felt about getting in the way of Rey’s training and her path to becoming a true Jedi, he was happy. It was strange. Any joy he had felt in as long as he could remember had been a surface thing, floating above the anger and pain and fear that made up his core, flitting away before he could work out what it was that actually made him happy. This time he knew what it was. He would stay, as long as she was here. What he wanted was what they had been doing today; not just the kissing, although he would like that to continue, but just spending time with her. No war, no politics, no Light Side against Dark, just  _ them.  _ She was smiling when he turned to glance at her. 

 

‘You’re happy.’ She said simply, and he furrowed his brow. 

 

‘How do you know? You shouldn’t be able to feel what’s going on, unless these are broken.’ He lifted his free hand, showing the dull metal cuff as his sleeve pulled back. She screwed up her face, expression half amused, half perplexed. 

 

‘You know it is possible to understand people without the Force, right?’ 

 

He shrugged. ‘I never really tried I suppose. I guess I’ll have to now.’ Rey shook her head as they walked past the battered X-Wing that Poe had salvaged from a junkyard somewhere and back into the tunnel leading to their temporary home. 

 

‘If you want us to be subtle about things you need to seem more… angry. Brooding. The usual.’ She told him. ‘Think about Hux or something.’

 

He quirked an eyebrow at her. ‘Right.’ He paused for a moment before turning to her, scowling. ‘Better?’

 

She shook her head. ‘That’s a fake scowl.’ She breathed out heavily, thinking. ‘I suppose we could just put it down to you getting to go outside.’

 

He stopped scowling. ‘That’d work.’ Rey smiled at him again. 

 

‘I like this.’ She said. ‘Makes the whole, sitting around waiting for Leia to organise her various contacts thing a lot more interesting.’

 

He looked at her. ‘That’s what’s going on? I suppose that makes sense. Hux is pretty much just rebuilding. We- They’re down to just a few Star Destroyers, so apparently it’s vital that we have at least 9 to take down the Falcon and your 3 other ships.’

 

Rey snorted. ‘I mean you-they did seem to be having a hard time with just the one.’

 

Ben inclined his head. ‘I think you have Kylo to thank for that. Not exactly a tactical level-headed leader in a battle situation.’ He said quietly as they entered the main area. She laughed and a few heads turned to watch as they made their way across the cavern. 

 

‘From our perspective poor-leadership was probably one of his best qualities.’ She responded, and he glared at her. She shrugged. ‘I also liked his hair.’

 

Ben rolled his eyes and took his arm from hers as Poe approached them, clearly excited. ‘Rey, you ready to go? I want to see if our latest acquisition is working.’ He turned to Ben and nodded. ‘Kylo. Good training session?’

 

Ben cleared his throat, shifting his feet a little. ‘It’s Ben. And yeah, good.’ He met Poe’s questioning gaze calmly and Poe looked over to Rey, raising an eyebrow.

 

‘Ben? Nice work. I’m not even going to ask what you had to trade for that.’ 

 

Ben glared at him. ‘I’m still here. And there weren’t any  _ negotiations.  _ I am capable of making my own decisions.’

 

‘Mostly.’ Rey added and he glared at her but let it go. Poe cleared his throat.

 

‘Right. Sorry. Hey, this actually makes life easier, you want it to be general knowledge around here?’

 

Ben inclined his head. ‘That would be fine. I’d prefer if we could spread this through rumour rather than an official announcement.’

 

Rey felt Leia approaching from behind them before Poe greeted her and turned as the man spoke. ‘General. We were just about to go run some maneuvers with the Falcon and the X-wing like I mentioned this morning.’ Leia nodded, but kept her eyes on her son as she joined the small group.

 

‘Ben?’ She murmured, standing in front of him. ‘Really this time? Not just for me?’

 

He nodded, shifting uncomfortably under the gaze of what felt like the entire Resistance. ‘Really.’ He said quietly. ‘I want to-’ he cleared his throat and spoke even more quietly, wishing they were somewhere more private. ‘I’ll stay here. I’ll help you, whatever you need.’ 

 

A smile spread slowly across leia’s face as he talked and when he had finished his short statement she was beaming. ‘Very well. I will speak with you later about your duties. Commander Dameron, you and I have much to discuss when you get back so you and Rey should get going. I think Chewie’s out there still if you’re looking for a co-pilot.’ She said to Rey. She put a hand on Ben’s arm. ‘Let’s go get those cuffs off.’ He nodded and turned to Rey for a moment. 

 

‘Will I see you later? I wanted to show you that passage I mentioned earlier.’ 

 

She shrugged. ‘Maybe you’ll have to come find me. You’re allowed out and about now.’

 

He grimaced. ‘I’d rather not put the cuffs on more than once a day.’ Rey sighed. ‘For now.’ He clarified, ‘It’s been one day Rey. I’ve worn them twice, I still need time to adjust.’ 

 

She nodded. ‘Sorry. A lot’s happened since yesterday morning.’ Poe and Leia exchanged a meaningful look, trying to work out what was happening between the two Force-users. ‘I’ll come by later.’ She smiled at him before leaving him with his mother. Poe followed her, giving mother and son a brief wave in passing. Leia looked at him suspiciously.

 

‘I think we need to talk.’ She said, walking off in the direction of his room. He lifted his eyes to the ceiling but followed nonetheless. He wanted the cuffs off. While he was coping reasonably well with them this time, riding the high from his and Rey’s new relationship, he still felt deadened and dull. He wanted them off. Now Rey had left he missed her, which he knew was pathetic, but he wanted to have her presence at the edge of his consciousness again. He didn’t need her to be physically there, or even communicating with him. He still needed her there to anchor him and serve as a reminder of where he was and what he’d promised. What he stood to lose if he let himself slip back.

 

When they reached the room, Leia looked it over. ‘You made your bed longer.’ She said, and he smiled.

 

‘I didn’t fit.’ He replied. 

 

She smiled back. ‘Right. You got so tall.’ She sat on the edge of the bed. ‘It still feels sturdy enough. Did you find extra metal for the frame or..?’

 

He narrowed his eyes. ‘Did you come with me to talk about the mechanics of my bed or was there something else?’ He asked dryly. 

 

She smiled up at him again. ‘Sorry. Come, sit. I’ll take those cuffs off.’ He sat beside her and she removed the offending articles, giving him a moment to adjust again before starting the conversation she needed to have with him. She waited until his eyes were open, and he had satisfied his paranoia by floating a few pebbles in front of them. Once the pebbles were on the ground once more, Leia started to speak. ‘Ben, I’m so pleased you’ve decided to stay and to work with us, but i need to know why. I know you and Rey are close.’

 

‘I love her.’ He interjected.

 

Leia sighed. ‘I know.’ She was going to start speaking again, but saw him go to speak so she stayed silent.

 

‘That’s not why I’m staying though. It’s why I realised- It’s how I realised I had to stay.’ Leia waited. If he was finished then he would need to start again, because she didn’t know what he was getting at quite yet. He fidgeted where he sat.

 

‘What did you realise?’ She asked gently, prompting him to continue.

 

‘I have to… I should-’ he cleared his throat. ‘I want to do something right, for once. This is right. I want to start again, I told you that. Rey just… she said that I could do that now.’

 

Leia put her hand on his, stilling it for a minute. ‘I’m glad. But,’ she sighed. He seemed genuine. She didn’t want him to abandon his new principles, but she needed to know that Rey would be ok. ‘You know Jedi can’t have relationships. I’m sure Luke would have mentioned that, given that he had an island full of teenaged Force-users.’

 

Ben grunted. ‘I know.’ She moved closer, hoping to offer some comfort.

 

‘I know she likes you too. That’s why you need to be the one to step back. I’m not asking you to become a Jedi, but it’s what Rey wants and… it’s a big sacrifice. You know that. Big enough that I couldn’t make it.’ 

 

He sighed. ‘Yeah me neither. I guess we’re both failures. I know what you mean. I’ll step back. She should pursue what she wants to pursue.’ He bit the inside of his lower-lip. Of course it was too good to continue. He didn’t deserve happiness. He would pay his dues and disappear, somewhere where he wouldn’t be disrupting anyone’s destiny. Tears pricked at his eyes and he scowled. He didn’t want to cry about this, or about anything in front of his mother.

 

She watched his heart break yet again and hers broke for him. She wished it didn’t always have to be her who broke it, but it seemed that was their pattern. She put her arm around his shoulder and pulled him down until he leant on her shoulder. ‘I’m sorry. All of this is not… It’s not what I wanted.’ She rubbed his back ineffectually as he fought back tears, wishing she could make things ok. With anyone else she could make a speech, give them hope and determination but whenever she spent time with her son she just felt so tired and so old. She wanted him to be happy. She wanted to trust him, but it was so difficult. She’d forgiven him once a day since he’d come back to her, but everytime she slept she woke up angry with him again. She wanted him to be happy, she wanted to forgive him and mean it, but she didn’t know how. She couldn’t lose this war, she had already failed the galaxy so many times. She wouldn’t do it again, no matter the cost. There would be time to worry about happiness later. For now she would do what was necessary, and protecting Rey was necessary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eesh sorry you guys, you didn't think this'd be easy did you? Not with Leia around to pour buckets of cold water all over everything. Stupid sensible grown-ups being sensible.
> 
> Also I'm borrowing prequels bollocks to make the Jedi seem less good. I know we don't like them but they're technically canon and I need some roadblocks so there we go.
> 
> Comments, kudos, blah blah blah.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is sad. We get more flashback times.

Ben poured over the two journals that he had found amongst the texts, searching for any hint at the relationship rule. He was sure he had seen no sign of it in the books of lore he’d read so far, and it was unlikely he’d find anything in the books on the various ways in which the Force could be harnessed although the reality shaping techniques seemed tempting right now. He skimmed through the dense text, hoping he could glean some trace of a relationship in there. So far there was nothing but a lot of logging measurements of the architecture of a temple that would best help them use the Force. He felt Rey growing closer and put the book to one side, turning to face the wall and closing his eyes, feigning sleep. He let himself slip into his inner-world, emptying his mind to further hide from her. He didn’t know if Leia had guessed how far they’d already moved down this path, but he knew she was right. He could find no evidence to suggest otherwise, so she must be. Nonetheless he didn’t want to have that discussion now. Though he doubted she felt as strongly for him as he did for he, he didn’t want her to have to feel even a fraction of what he felt now, knowing that their kiss had been both the first and last of their ill-fated romance.

 

Rey stopped outside the curtain-door to his room, listening to his measured breathing. She pushed it aside to find him sleeping, or meditating. She smiled slightly and reached out towards him with the Force. She felt nothing. Was he...? The cuffs were on a box in the corner, so it wasn’t that, and anyway his absence wasn’t as profound as it was when he wore them. He was blocking her out then, though he had asked her to visit. She assumed it was part of whatever he did when he meditated, though again she didn’t quite understand that either; now of course it made sense, but before? She didn’t see how meditation would help someone access the darkside. As far as she could tell the way he had used the Force before was as a tool, and rather than the serenity and unity with the world around her that she tried to achieve, he had used his own pain and anger to manipulate it. She would ask him about it later; she had time. There would be plenty of conversations. She sat on the bed beside his still quiet form. There were other ways to disturb him. She leant over, watching his slow, steady breathing. A strand of his hair hung in front of his mouth, blowing as he breathed. She reached out a hand and brushed it gently out of his face.

 

Ben worked hard to stay still and continue to pretend to be meditating. This was too hard. He needed her to leave. The hair in front of his nose was irritating him, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t have this conversation right now; he wasn’t ready. He tensed as he felt her move closer. The familiarity of the gesture which just hours earlier would have been a touching sign that he wasn’t insane; that she felt something too. Now it was just another thing he should be stopping so that he didn’t jeopardise her fate and with it the fate of the galaxy. He hated it when his mother was right.

 

When Ben still didn’t respond, Rey decided enough was enough. It was already late and he was clearly in the middle of some intense business in his head. She didn’t want to get in the way of it. She tucked his hair behind his ear and pressed her lips to his temple before leaving. They would talk tomorrow.

 

He held it together until she was out of the room, but then he crumbled, curling in on himself as he lay on the bed and weeping. He knew he didn’t deserve happiness, not after what he’d done; what he’d been. But for once he had had it. He honestly didn’t remember a time he had felt truly happy since he had gone to train with Luke. The prospect had been exciting, he had wanted to be a Jedi like his uncle, but then had come the goodbyes.

***

 

Nine year old Ben Solo stood in the doorway of the Millenium Falcon, looking out at the complex of small buildings that comprised his Uncle’s school. He saw a group of younglings sitting together, passing a ball to and fro with the Force and he turned and grinned at his parents. ‘They’re like me!’ He said, itching to go and join in; to meet people who wouldn’t be scared or think he was weird for what he could do. He stood before his parents as Luke watched from a distance, giving them time to see their son off. Leia crouched down in front of him.

 

‘We’re going to get going now, so you can go and join them and find your way around without us getting in the way.’ She kept her tone light, but he felt apprehension coming from her. He frowned.

 

‘It’s ok, Mum. Uncle Luke’s here, I’ll be fine. And I’ll see you soon, you know where I am.’ Standing behind her, Han cleared his throat. Leia put her hand on Ben’s shoulder, turning to look at her husband.

 

Scowling, Han muttered ‘We discussed this already. You made the decision, you have to tell him.’ Ben’s frown deepened as he felt the tension between his parents, and he swallowed.

 

‘Tell me what?’

 

Leia took a breath, holding herself together for the sake of her son. She could see anxiety creeping into his expression, which was what she had been trying to avoid. For a child he was already so anxious all the time. This would help. It had a cost but it would be better in the end. She pressed her lips together for a moment, then began to speak in a low, calming voice. ‘Ben, you know your Father and I love you so much. This is so you can learn to control your powers; so you don’t get scared and so you don’t hurt anyone. You’ll learn a lot here, and you’ll be safe. But your Uncle thinks it’ll be best if we don’t visit for a while.’ Ben looked up at his father and saw his face still set in a deep scowl.

 

‘You don’t want me to stay here?’ He said, already knowing the answer before Han opened his mouth to lie to him.

 

‘Your Mother and your Uncle think it’s the best thing to do.’ He shrugged. ‘You know I don’t know anything about this Force stuff, kid. If it was up to me you wouldn’t have it and you could come work with me and Chewie in the Falcon.’ He ended, giving Ben a conspiratorial wink, but immediately regretting it when he saw a spark of hope light his sons eyes. This was why it was Leia’s job.

 

‘I could still do that.’ Ben said. ‘I’ll be good, I won’t hurt anyone. I’ll just put it away, like Uncle Luke showed me after I hurt Mom. I don’t want to stay if I can’t see you.’ Leia saw him beginning to panic and glared at her husband. They would be having words after this. For now she needed to help Ben. She moved towards him, but he turned and headed down the stairs.

 

‘Ben!’ She called after him and he turned, face contorted in rage.

 

‘You don’t want me!’ He shouted at her, and the ship itself began to shake. Luke strode over and knelt before him.

 

‘Breath.’ he said quietly. ‘Focus on that.’ The child in front of him nodded and began counting quietly under his breath as they had practiced many times before. Luke looked up at Han and Leia, still standing in the doorway of the now still Falcon, the former’s face like thunder while Leia stood firm, resolute in her knowledge that this was for the best. He made eye contact with them, and nodded. This would only get messier if they stayed. In a couple of years, when he was older, perhaps Ben would be ready for a visit. For now he needed to adjust to his new existence without the reminders of his old life.

 

When Ben opened his eyes, they were gone, and the younglings who had been practising were looking at him, some with mouths agape, others, older children and teenagers were muttering to each other quietly. He shrank inside himself, wanting to disappear. It would be ok. He told himself quietly. He would be a Jedi like his Uncle; then he wouldn’t need anyone.

 

***

 

Ben sank into a fitful sleep, plagued by his usual nightmares. When he woke, Rey was standing before him, but she was different. He looked at her horrified, seeing her wielding a red blade, dressed in black. ‘You were always so _weak.’_ she spat. ‘Letting your mother tell you what to do, running from light to dark and back again. You can’t protect me. I have always been stronger than you, always been better. Even unarmed and untrained I have defeated you and you think I would _want_ you?’ The spectre of Rey screwed up her face in revulsion. ‘Alway so needy. Abandoned by your parents you clung to Luke, and then when he betrayed you, you ran to Snoke; always snivelling behind someone else. How long did you last on your own before coming crawling back to your mother? And you think you can help me become a Jedi? This,’ She gestured to herself, her clothes and her blade spelling out the obvious. ‘This is what happens when you try to help me. You failed, _Ben,’_ she spat the name. ‘You failed at being a Jedi, you failed at being a Sith. What are you?’

 

He stayed quiet. he would not rise to this. She moved closer, bringing the blade close to his cheek. Grabbing his hair and pulling his head back, she leaned over him, her hot breath on his face. ‘I said,  _ what. are. you?’  _ He flinched as the blade moved closer to his face, powerless as she held him in place by his hair. ‘I will ask one more time before I remove that excuse for a face from your head.’ she hissed in his ear.

 

‘Nothing.’ He muttered under his breath.

 

She tugged his hair again, the heat of the blade singing his skin. ‘I didn’t hear that.’

 

‘Nothing.’ He said again, louder his time. She pulled her expression into the joyless facsimile of a smile.

 

‘Then I doubt this matters.’ She said casually, raising the blade. He was trapped in place somehow. He couldn’t move, couldn’t escape as she approached slowly, blade raised, smiling at the prospect of bringing it down and ending him. She swung the blade.

 

He sat up in bed, breathing heavily. He could hear footsteps moving quickly down the hall and then Rey burst through the curtain. ‘Are you ok?’ She asked, and he backed up in the bed, instinctually, still reeling from the dream. 

 

‘It’s fine. I’m fine.’ He watched her closely, gauging whether or not this was real. She sighed and walked towards the bed, sitting on the edge. He continued to watch her, eyes wide and dark as his pupils adjusted to the low light. She reached out a hand to touch his face, unsure what it was that had scared him. She had felt him in pain, sudden and harsh as she slept. She knew he needed her, so she had come, but he didn’t seem to want her there right now. He pulled back. She took her hand back and stayed quiet for a moment. When she saw his breathing steady, she spoke. 

 

‘What’s going on? I thought we were ok.’ She fidgeted for a moment. ‘I thought we were better than ok.’

 

He sighed, sitting back in the corner. ‘We were. But we can’t. It’s-’ he looked up and regretted it immediately, seeing the hurt and confusion in her face. He pictured the Rey from his nightmare again. He wasn’t good for her. He certainly wasn’t good enough for her. This would be better in the long run. ‘It’s too much. I just don’t think it’ll work for us. You should be focussing on your training and I need to focus on whatever I can do to help the Resistance.’

 

Rey stood up again. ‘What?’ 

 

he looked down, miserable. ‘I said I don’t think we should do this.’ When he looked back up his face was set. He couldn’t let her see how hard this was for him. She already pitied him; if he showed her he didn’t need her then she could move on. He would just have to learn to hide the truth in his own time. ‘I said I don’t think we should do this. I’ll do what I need to do, you do what you need to do. We don’t need to see each other more than necessary.’ 

 

Rey shook her head, still not understanding the sudden change. ‘But I want to. I thought you wanted to pursue this too.’

 

He cleared his throat. ‘I was just looking for someone else to tell me what to do. I need to be on my own to work out who I should be.’ He looked down again, avoiding her stunned gaze.

 

Rey bit her lip, fighting the tears that stung the corners of her eyes. ‘I understand.’ It wasn’t like he was slipping. This made sense; it was probably the most sensible decision he had made. That didn’t mean she liked it. She couldn’t be here right now. She turned without speaking and left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I'll level with you, I'm pretty sure if I didn't work with small kids I would have a lot less sympathy for Kylo. Sensible grownup brain me is like 'he's 30, he's being a dick,' but then I think about how much trust my little kiddies have in me, and I've only known them since August. Granted they're 6, but we don't know how old Ben was when he went to train with Luke. Also clearly nobody is doing any circle time in the Jedi temple. You have to feel your emotions kids. That's how humans work. Fricking Jedi. Even Luke doesn't know how to deal with making mistakes and he's meant to be teaching. I have big issues with the Jedi pedagogy.
> 
> Anyways, rant over. I hope you liked meeting teeny-tiny Ben and seeing Hans 'nice but inneffective' (tm) parenting.
> 
> Thanks for commenting friends <3


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things! Excitement! Mostly yet more talking with Leia and Ben.

The following few days were difficult for nearly everyone in the base. Ben was trying to show willing, putting on the cuffs without prompting and leaving his room to find Poe or Leia and do something constructive. The fact that there was not a great deal of work to be done was not helping; that along with the fact that he didn’t want to go anywhere near Rey for the time being made things even more difficult. Leia had given Poe the unenviable job of finding something for the man to do, and his initial ideas had all revolved around fobbing him off on Rey and sending them to go use the Force together somewhere out of the way. The fact that the two now seemed to be avoiding each other at all costs was making his life almost impossible. He’d eventually wheedled his way to a point where Rose was willing to let him work on parts with her. For her part,Rey was spending as much time outside of the base as possible. They had all seen the scars of her recent ‘training’ sessions on the landscape, and it was clear she was not making the progress she expected of herself. She was distracted and irritable, always keeping one eye on the entrance/exit to see if Ben was coming so that she could leave the room. Finn typically followed Rey on these occasions, trying to help his friend feel better, but ultimately just finding himself more distant from her than he wanted despite the time they were spending together.

 

Leia had been keeping an eye on both Force-uses, and was frankly concerned. She watched as Ben worked quietly alongside Rose on a pair of ring-stabilisers Poe had salvaged during his expeditions into the wreckage that remained above Crait. The ships they had didn’t need them, but judging by the pile of parts Rose had to work on, the plan was to build their own ships, or at least to be able to repair the few they had ad infinitum. He was working hard, ignoring the occasional nervous glance Rose sent his way, and she saw him ask her when he was unsure of how to proceed, but he had been wearing the cuffs for several hours now; the longest she had seen him wear them. She walked across, smiling at Rose as she sat down across the stone table from them. ‘How’s he doing?’ She asked, ignoring her son’s glare as he glanced up from what he was focussing on. Rose looked critically at the stabiliser he was rewiring. She looked back at Leia, studiously avoiding looking at him. 

 

‘Not bad. A little messier than mine, but it’ll work.’ She said quickly, glancing at him again. He’d been fine. He’d been listening and asking when he needed help. He was  _ Ben Solo.  _ Not Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren was gone, they’d dealt with him. This man was just another member of the resistance and they needed everyone they could get. Plus he was annoyingly good at this. They’d made a lot more progress through the unending pile of detritus together than she had made alone.  

He continued to look at the stabiliser, but spoke for the first time in the best part of an hour. ‘I’ll tidy it up at the end. I need to make sure everything’s in the right place.’ 

 

Rose snorted, forgetting herself. ‘Yeah, so the surface will be tidy, but the mess underneath will still be there.’ He looked up shocked at her sudden confidence, and raised an eyebrow. She shrank back again. ‘Sorry. It’s fine, we work differently.’

 

He shook his head. ‘You’re right. I’ll fix it.’ He ran his thumbnail over his bottom lip, building up the nerve to address the elephant in the room. When he spoke he did so quickly and quietly, eyes down on the stabiliser. ‘Please don’t be scared to tell me I’m doing something wrong, I usually am.’ 

 

Leia chuckled slightly and shook her head. ‘You’re reportedly quite good at fixing things, or so Rose and Poe have lead me to believe.’ He shrugged and she rolled her eyes. Right. ‘I wondered if you wanted to take a break though. You’ve been wearing the cuffs for a long time now. I’m sure Rose can tidy this up for you if you need some time off.’ Rose nodded.

 

‘Yep. I was planning on it anyway.’ She looked at him apologetically and shrugged. ‘We work differently, but the way I work it won’t break again within a year.’ 

 

He rolled his eyes. ‘See that’s why you need to tell me what I’m doing wrong. I can work out enough to get by but I know I’m no expert.’ He pushed back from the table and stood up. ‘I’ll take a break though if that’s ok. I’ll go for a walk.’ Rose grabbed the stabiliser and immediately started undoing and redoing the work he had just done. Leia rose too, patting Rose on the shoulder as she passed. 

 

‘I meant a break from the cuffs.’ She said quietly, watching him with concern on her face. He twisted one of the cuffs on his wrist and she noticed the skin beneath it was raw and red. She furrowed her brow. ‘When did you last take them off?’ He shrugged and she nodded slowly, working him out. ‘Did you sleep in them?’ He cleared his throat.

 

‘Does it matter?’ He hissed,  not wishing to have this conversation in a public space. 

 

Leia scowled at him. ‘Yes. For one thing it’s clearly hurting your wrists. I thought you hated them.’ She said, hoping that her suspicions about what he was doing were not correct and that this was not her doing. She maintained eye-contact, despite his attempts to look away. ‘Is this about what we discussed a few days ago? If so it seems extreme.’

 

He frowned and she saw his jaw clench. ‘Partly.’ He said, barely moving his mouth as he spoke. She sighed and took him by the arm, pulling him into a quiet corner of the room.

 

‘I think we both know you need to take them off.’ She intoned sternly.

 

‘I’m fine. I told you.’ He said again, refusing to look at her now. 

 

‘You’re not. Surely if nothing else it’ll be easier to avoid her if you know when she’s coming.’

 

‘It’s not just that. I’ve been having more… visions.’ His mouth twisted in distaste as he said the word. ‘I can’t sleep without them now.’ He admitted, and Leia rubbed her temples. 

 

‘Visions? Like when you were young?’ This worried her. She’d seen the results of these visions, both short and long term. they couldn’t afford either right now.

 

‘Like always. They stopped for a while when I got here, or I could deal with them better, I don’t know. I know they’re worse now.’

 

Leia nodded. ‘Since you decided to come back to the light?’

 

He grimaced. ‘Yeah. It makes sense I suppose.’

 

She frowned. ‘I’d still like you to take them off. I’ll sit with you if you want.’ 

 

Ben sighed. ‘Take them. I’ll be ok. I’ll talk to you if I need to.’ Leia’s concern didn’t wane. He was being too calm, too reasonable. It was like the fight had gone out of him, and whilst she didn’t relish her memories of their disagreements, she needed some of that fight. She looked up at him, hoping that part of this was just the cuffs. She knew they deadened him a little; if he’d been wearing them for a while maybe this was the effect. He just seemed tired and sad. He held out his hands, palms up, and she unclipped them. As soon as she did his eyes widened and he stumbled. No longer switched off, he seemed panicked. She waited for it to pass as he grew used to his usual level of connectedness with the world around him, but his expression didn’t change. He looked around the room wildly, searching for something. She put her hands back on his wrists, grounding him. ‘What are you looking for?’

 

‘They’re here.’ he hissed, wresting his wrists from her grasp. ‘I need to go. I need my lightsaber, or a weapon. Anything.’ He spoke quickly, tone suddenly commanding, but Leia shook her head. 

 

‘Not yet. What are you talking about.’

 

He growled in frustration and continued to scan the room. ‘I can get what I need with or without your cooperation. I need to go now, Rey’s out there, she’s in danger.’

 

Leia stood her ground. ‘If she’s in danger we all are. Explain what you’re seeing.’

 

He took a deep breath, fighting the rising anger that his mother’s calm demeanour in the face of urgency was creating and spoke quickly, but quietly. ‘My knights. The knights of Ren, there are two of them on the planet. I can’t see them but i can feel them. they must have followed me somehow and then lost me when I put the cuffs on. I can’t see Onan deciding to lay low and gather intel. But Rey is close to them now. I need to go. Ideally armed.’

 

Leia blanched for a second before recovering herself. ‘Right. Rey has your lightsaber. I can get you a blaster.’

 

He nodded; that was fine. Hopefully Onan and Ga’ar would still be without lightsabers, and Rey could hold them off. She was competent enough, but they would not be fighting fair. He realised he hadn’t responded to his mother, who was still watching him. ‘Fine.’ He was staring intently at the exit as though looking in the direction he needed to go could get him there faster.  Leia called poe over and took his blaster handing it to Ben, speaking before Poe could raise his objections.

 

‘Go. I’ll send back-up once we have a plan in place. You and Rey should be ok though, right?’ He nodded and took off running. Leia turned to Poe. ‘They’ve found us. We need to evacuate.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun duuuuuuuuun! 
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated. 
> 
> Hope y'alls are enjoying my made up knight names based on the 4 random letter formula. (Presumably bits of their names but who knows, they are very vague made up characters.)


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fighting happens!

Poe walked alongside Leia as they moved to the centre of the cavern. He spoke quietly. to her as they moved. ‘All due respect, General, why give him my blaster? He’s only just started working with us. We still don’t know we can-’ Leia held up her hand to stop him.

 

‘We are in an emergency situation. He’s gone out there to help Rey, even if we aren’t certain of his loyalty to our cause we can be sure of his loyalty to her. He mentioned two other Force-users before he went, we don’t know what else there is. I need you to take the RZ-IT Trainer, it’s the only ship with cloaking, and see what we’re dealing with in the air.’ Poe nodded and jogged off in the direction of their hangar. Leia gathered the remaining Resistance around her and began to explain the situation.

 

‘While we are still unaware of the scope of this situation, we should pack as much as we can onto the Falcon as quickly as we can. Mairi, take Finn and Traff and whatever you need from the armoury; Ben didn’t take any comms and I need to know what’s happening on the ground. You should be able to track Rey using this.’ She handed him the beacon she still wore. ‘Stay undercover unless absolutely necessary, Rey and Ben should be able to handle the Force-users. I need to know if there’s anyone else and I need you to keep me updated on Rey and Ben’s status.’ Mairi nodded and the three of them headed off too. Leia nodded to the rest and they moved off to their various stations, beginning to pack up the base they had only recently established. Eri stayed behind, standing beside Leia as she oversaw the evacuation.

 

‘Where next?’ She asked simply. Leia just shook her head.

 

‘I have a few leads. Noone that will be ready to hide us for more than a week or so. We need somewhere remote and unpopulated where we won’t present a risk to anyone. For now we should be able to lay low on the Falcon for a while, as long as there are no more Force users out there following Ben.’ She put her hands on the back of her neck and leant her head back. ‘I need more information.’

 

On the surface, Ben moved quickly and quietly through the forest of standing stones beyond the stream, following his sense of where Rey and the dark Force users were. As he passed by a stone scored with familiar scorch marks, presumably a victim of Rey’s poor mood over the past few days, he heard her voice in his head.

 

_Ben? Turn around, it’s a trap. Tell your mother they need to evacuate._

 

He shook his head. _I’m not going. She already knows. What do you need?_

 

_I need you to go. They’re looking for you. I can take care of myself._

 

Ben rolled his eyes. _I’m coming. Are you using my saber?_

 

_No. I’m… restrained. I didn’t expect to meet anyone, they took me by surprise._

 

He scowled and continued in their direction. As he moved the stones opened up into a clearing and the ground grew softer. Before him lay an estuary and standing on one of the small rocky islands between the streams  was a Xi-Class shuttle, in front of which Onan and Ga’ar sat on a rock, Rey between them, shackled and gagged.His saber still hung at her waist. _Idiots,_ He thought to himself. He hung back behind a rock.

 

_I’m going to take my lightsaber. Don’t react._

 

Rey glanced around, but didn’t move. She felt her belt loosen and the saber move a little. Beside her the knights were speaking quietly to one another. ‘He’ll show up soon. He was fixated with this one since he found her.’ The bulky one spoke, flexing the fingers on his mechanical hand. The saber was out of her belt now, staying close to her body. The taller one spoke, voice difficult to read beneath the vocoder.

 

‘I don’t see it.’ He looked her up and down, eyes steely behind the half-mask he wore. ‘She’s not even trying to escape.’

 

The bigger one scoffed. ‘Jedi are all about restraint right. Maybe she likes it.’ He leered.

 

Rey ignored them, closing her eyes and focussing on where Ben was. The saber was in the water now, moving quickly towards him. At the last minute it erupted in front of them and he stepped out from behind the rock. The two men beside her stood, weapons in hand. ‘Kylo.’ The tall one said. ‘Long time no see. How’s the family?’ He asked, the vocoder doing little to disguise his disdain. He shook the short staff in his hand and it expanded, revealing a long, pole-like shaft with a short glowing blade at the end. The spear clearly used a kyber crystal, but it bore little resemblance to the sabers Ben had seen. He rolled his eyes.

 

‘Still favouring style over substance I see, Ga’ar.’ He shifted his hand quietly by his side and Rey’s shackles clicked open. _Wait there._ He told her, but she shook her head, standing beside the other knight and swinging her quarterstaff. Taken by surprise, the man didn’t duck, taking the impact to his head. He swayed slightly where he stood before turning to her, an unpleasant smile on his face.

 

‘You’ll regret that.’ He said, lifting his oversized blaster to his shoulder and pointing it towards Rey. ‘This should be interesting to see at point blank range.’

 

Ga’ar began to advance towards Ben, spear out in front of him. Ben broadened his stance and ignited his blade, watching the situation unfold between Rey and Onan. Rey had ducked down, avoiding the blaster’s first fire, and swiped at Onan’s legs with the quarterstaff. The man stepped back out of the way and dropped the blaster. He pulled his saber from a holster on his hip and ignited it. Rather than a single blade, this was set up as a trident. The three red blades glowed as he grinned and began to approach her. ‘I see Kylo didn’t see fit to share the information we gave him about kyber crystals. You’re good with that thing, but this will cut right through it. It seems almost unfair to fight you like this, but needs must. Grand-Admiral Hux asked us to retrieve our Supreme Leader, he said nothing of you.’ Rey continued to back away, staying just out of his reach. She looked to Ben, locked in combat with Ga’ar. He didn’t have a plan for this, she could see that. Why hadn’t he told her about the crystals? It was something that could have given them an advantage.

 

Ben grunted as the butt of Ga’ar’s spear slammed into the small of his back. He span and caught the man’s shoulder with his blade, scoring a dark line into the man’s skin but not cutting deep enough to have any real impact. He swung the blade again, cutting a portion of the spear, shortening it significantly. He swung the blade between his hands, keeping the other man at a distance as he appraised what was happening in the fight between Rey and Onan. She was doing ok, she was holding her own against him, but she wouldn’t be able to beat him without a weapon. He took his blaster and shot Ga’ar, still focussed on Rey. He knew the knights who had come for them would not be strong enough in the Force to block the bolts; it had been a source of constant frustration to him during their training. He was correct. The man before him crumpled to the ground when the bolt hit his stomach and Ben took the spear as he walked past. He threw it to Rey and she caught it.

 

Finn watched the fight from a distance, waiting with Mairi and Traff. As far as they could tell there was no other First Order presence on the planet, but that didn’t mean that wouldn’t change. He watched as Rey changed from her defensive style to a more aggressive one, beginning to advance on the trident wielding knight. He saw Ben moving in behind the man silently, blade extinguished, the hilt gripped before him. As Onan backed up the hilt hit his back and he froze. Rey met Ben’s eyes over the man’s head and smiled grimly. ‘Right what do we do with them?’ She asked.

 

‘Stand back.’ He said. She did and he ignited the blade. Rey gasped as the man slumped to the ground in front of her, dead. When she spoke, her voice was coloured with fury and disbeleif.

 

‘He wasn’t fighting. Why did you..’

 

‘He would have been. He was not a good man, Rey.’

 

She scowled at him ‘Neither were you! That’s not an excuse. You can’t just- he was a prisoner of war.  That’s-’ Ben cut her off.

 

‘I did. We need to deal with Ga’ar.’ he began to walk off, saber still ignited, but Rey walked quicker, standing in front of the fallen knight.

 

‘You can’t be serious. He is not in any condition to fight back. We are taking him back with us.’

 

Ben scowled. ‘It’s a part of my life I need to be rid of, Rey.’

 

She stood her ground. ‘No. _He_ is a person, not just some object you can destroy and be rid of. You are not going to harm him while he isn’t fighting back. That’s not Ben. That’s Kylo.’ H

 

He gritted his teeth and extinguished the blade. She was right. But he didn’t want the man there. He exhaled heavily and walked past Rey towards his prone form. He shoved his shoulder with his boot and the man groaned. ‘You’re here for me,’ he said, the phrase a statement not a question. ‘Does anyone else know you’re here?’ He crouched beside the man now. Rey stood over them, arms folded, supervising.

 

He grabbed the man’s hair, lifting his head from the ground. ‘I asked you a question.’  Ga’ar blinked his eyes open and spat in Ben’s face.

 

‘You can keep asking, traitor.’ Ben sat back on his heels for a moment, wiping the saliva from his cheek. This position was not ideal for his injured knee he was realising. He needed to wrap this up.

 

‘Rich of you to call me a traitor when you swore fealty to me and are now here trying to kill me.’ He extended his hand towards the man’s head. He ripped the information he needed from the injured man and stood, turning to Rey. ‘There’s a tracker on the ship. Back-up will be here soon. We need to get back.’ He left his former friend on the ground and started to head back. Rey followed and they soon came across the three resistance members who had been hidden, watching the fight. They explained the situation and started to head back, but Ben hung back. Rey turned to him.

 

‘What?’

 

‘They’ll keep coming after me. They’ll be able to find me, unless I keep the cuffs on. Like I could find you. We were… close. For many years. There are still three other Force-Users out there. As long as I’m here you can’t hide.’ He took a breath. ‘I should stay here.’

Rey scowled. ‘And what? Get yourself killed? We’re in danger anyway, Ben, this is a war.’ He shook his head again.

 

‘I can’t come with you. I’m putting you in _more_ danger. And my mother is looking for allies. Nobody is going to be happy that I’m working with you. It puts you at a disadvantage and you’re already outgunned. I’ll-’ he paused, thinking. ‘There’s a tracker on the ship. I’ll fly it somewhere else, draw them off while you find somewhere else to set up. You can tell me where you are and I’ll get there. This makes sense, Rey.’ He said, watching her unsure expression.

 

‘Ok.’ She said. ‘But I’m coming with you. That’s my decision and its final. We both go or neither of us do.’ He nodded, trying to squash the hope fluttering in his stomach. They still couldn’t be together, she needed to focus on her training.

 

Rey looked to Finn. ‘Give me your intercom. You can contact us if you need us. Take...’ She turned to Ben briefly.

 

'Ga'ar' He supplied.

 

'Right. Take him back to the base. He's a Force-user, you'll need the cuffs, but he's injured right now.'

 

Ben saw the soldiers' looks of apprehension. 'He's weak anyway. The most he'll do in this state is brush against your mind which is unpleasant but hardly harmful.'

 

Rey nodded. 'You heard him. It's fine. We'll create a diversion, take him and get off-world.' With that she turned and with Ben following she headed towards the shuttle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok we've reached the end of what I know was going to happen so we're going to join Rey and Ben in flying blind for a bit. Fun times.
> 
> Also it's a snow day and I'm 'working from home.' which is why you get another chapter so soon. I have very little work to do that isn't at school and I can't get to it so I guess this is the perfect time for fanfic.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben can't avoid Rey because the shuttle is too small.

Once onboard, Rey sat in the pilot’s seat. Ben glanced around the ship, establishing what was onboard. The ship had been adapted for the comfort of those travelling in it on his instructions. he had used these ships to send his knights out on various missions and training exercises, and as they were being used for longer stretches than they were initially designed for, certain amenities had been added. This ship carried sleeping pods and a small seperate room for meditation. It also had slightly better shielding than these shuttles typically came with, as it was required to travel without accompaniment. The weapons were basic but manageable; they could do enough damage to attract attention and that was all they needed right now. He sat beside Rey, taking the role of co-pilot. ‘Have you flown one of these before?’ he asked, and she shook her head. He narrowed his eyes at her, perplexed by how immediately confident she could be in any situation. ‘Want to swap? What I had in mind will need a quick getaway.’ Rey looked over at him. 

 

‘I’ll manage.’ She said bluntly. She was still angry with him then. 

 

He sighed, ‘Ok. We need to create a diversion. I imagine once this ship was still for long enough  _ Grand Admiral  _ Hux set a course to this planet. We need to find his ship and shoot at it to show we’re hostile, then run.’ Rey put her head on one side considering it. 

 

‘Or,’ she said slowly, working out another course of action, ‘we open comms and tell him your onboard. You could speak to him. I imagine that will create a better distraction than just shooting at him.’

 

Ben grimaced. ‘Right. And suitably punish me for dealing with Onan.’

 

Rey glared over at him. ‘Murdering.’ She said shortly before looking down at the controls again and working out what she needed to do to fly this particular shuttle. SHe had seen many control panels like this scavenging on Jakku, but never complete and in working order; typically they were unworkable and useless. This was not only in working order, but well maintained. She worked it out and began to initiate take-off.

 

Ben rolled his eyes and sat back in the copilot’s seat, doing his part of the take-off without thinking. ‘Right. We find the ship and open comms then. Are we being honest or am I your prisoner?’

Rey looked over at him again, caught off-guard by how quickly he had accepted her plan as better than his own. In truth she didn’t know if it was, she had just wanted to make him suffer. A small part of her would shamefully admit that this was not entirely about his actions earlier that day. She was still smarting from his rejection. She accepted it, of course. He needed space and their relationship was probably ill-advised, but she had liked things better when they were both being foolish. It gave her a sense of freedom outside of the duty that ruled the rest of her existence. Now they were back to duty, and even their friendship seemed to have fallen by the wayside. ‘You know him better than me. What do you think?’ She asked grudgingly.

 

Ben kept looking at the control panel, rather than look at Rey when she was this upset and it was his fault. Again. ‘If he thinks I’m prisoner here he’ll try to bargain to get me back and kill me, or just let you have me. He should think I’m free.’

 

She nodded as she concentrated on flying the ship. ‘You do the talking once we find them then.’ 

 

***

Leia watched as the shuttle took off in the distance. ‘Idiots.’ She shook her head as she turned back to Finn. ‘Right, if they’re buying us time we need to move quickly. Commander Dameron says there are a few TIE fighters scouting the area and a command ship further back. We’ll meet him in the air. We need to get everyone onto the Falcon and get moving. As for Rey and Ben… I suppose we’ll catch up with them when we can. You still have the beacon right?’ She asked Finn.

 

‘Yeah, we can keep track of where they are.’

 

‘Good. We can at least do that.’ They would be off-world by now; she knew in her head that what Finn had told her was probably the right decision for Ben at least - The allies she was counting on would likely not welcome Kylo Ren amongst them, reformed or otherwise - but in her heart she was scared again. She looked skywards for a moment, offering a silent prayer to any deity or power willing to listen that he would come home. She couldn’t help her thoughts turning dark again, imagining that this was all just part of some elaborate plan of the First order to take Rey and with her their chances of any sort of victory. She scolded herself for that thought. She would try to trust him

 

***

 

Onboard the shuttle Ben and Rey were silent, each focussed on searching out the area around them in the Force. Ben opened his eyes first, glancing at their scanners to see if the ship was having any more luck than they were. ‘Anything?’ He asked, stirring Rey from her concentration. She shook her head.

 

‘I can’t reach far enough.’ She said. ‘We need to go further out, but then I don’t know which direction.’

 

‘I suppose we start circling. One of us flies while the other continues searching.’ Ben sighed. They were being civil, but there was still tension and spending time with her was as hard as he’d imagined it would be when he started avoiding her. An idea struck him. ‘Unless... ‘ Rey turned to look at him, hopeful. He cleared his throat, hoping she would not be too angry with him still to agree to this, or that the distance between them wouldn’t hinder it. ‘We can probably see further together. If we make a physical connection. We’d have to both be on the same wavelength though.’ 

 

Rey turned to glare at him, fire in her eyes. ‘We both want to find the ship. Same wavelength.’ She reached out her hand to him and he took it, breathing in deeply before he did so. She gripped his hand and they both closed their eyes, focussing. Minutes passed but neither felt anything. He loosened her grip on her hand and opened his eyes. 

 

‘This won’t work unless there are no barriers between us.’ He told her, trying to keep his tone instructional rather than accusatory.

 

Rey tugged her hand back. ‘I haven’t put up any barriers.’ She told him frankly. This was ridiculous. She had been quite happy to begin something. He had ended it, not her. 

 

‘You’re angry with me.’ He let the words hang in the air as she continued to glower at him. Finally she spoke again.

 

‘You said I needed to concentrate on my training, which we had been doing together, and that you needed to work on being good. It sounded sensible but it seems like neither one of us has made any huge improvements as a result of us being sensible. I haven’t been training properly because I’m unfocused, and then? Then you turn around and kill an unarmed man like it’s nothing and don’t even see how that’s a problem.’ She rose from the seat and began to pace in the small space behind the two seats. ‘I don’t get it. I needed to talk to you to make sense of this, but of course you were avoiding me. Well, you can’t now. You want the barriers down, take them down.’

 

He groaned and rubbed his temple with one hand. His back hurt. There’d be a nasty bruise there by the morning. He didn’t want to have this discussion. ‘I’m not going to apologise for killing Onan. You didn’t know him, but if you had you’d agree. As for the rest I-’ He turned the chair so he could look her in the eye. She stopped and glared, waiting for him to explain himself. ‘The Jedi are not supposed to form close relationships. With anyone. You’ve made it quite clear that you intend to follow their rules to the letter; I don’t want to hold you back.’  

 

Rey stopped glaring and sat down beside him, deflating. ‘I- I didn’t know that. Why didn’t you tell me?’ He shrugged and she thought for a moment. The rule rubbed against her the wrong way, she would meditate on it later. For now she was still furious with him. She stood up again. ‘I’m still not happy with you. If you’d told me it would be one thing, I could have made my own decision, but keeping it from me for my own good? Not acceptable.’ 

 

He scowled. ‘It wasn’t my intention to keep anything from you. I had thought about what I wanted to say, then you barged in on me in the middle of the night.’

 

She planted her feet and crossed her arms. ‘You had another nightmare. I was trying to help.’

 

‘Yeah, well. Maybe if my mother hadn’t dropped by earlier you could have.’ He ran his hands through his hair, exhausted by the events of the day and his lack of any undisturbed sleep. ‘We need to keep searching. If we can’t work together with the Force we should start circling.’ 

 

Rey sat down beside him again. ‘We could try again. Once more. Give me a minute to centre myself.’ He nodded and waited until she was breathing slowly and steadily. 

 

‘I’m sorry.’ He said quietly. ‘I should have told you.’ 

 

She opened one eye and shot him a small smile. ‘You should have. It’s done now. You’re forgiven.’

 

‘Until next time.’ He intoned dryly and she smirked. 

 

‘Until next time.’ She held out a hand. ‘You ready?’ 

 

He put his hand in hers again and reached out. Somewhere along the way they met, and began to reach further than they had before. 

 

‘There.’ They both spoke at once as they found their goal, opening their eyes and grinning at each other, hands still joined. After a moment Rey cleared her throat and pulled her hand from Ben’s. 

 

‘Ok, let’s get this over with.’ she said, setting the coordinates so that they would exit hyperspace close enough to communicate with the ship, but far enough that they would have space to escape any fire from the star destroyer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bored of the snow now. I'd like to be able to leave my flat. Why is the uk so terrible at dealing with weather?


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux is a dick and we get some space fighting!

Ben cleared his throat, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible and pressed the button to open communication. ‘I’d like to speak with gener-’ he paused, correcting himself, ‘Sorry, Grand-Admiral Hux. I forgot about his ‘promotion’.’ He waited for the response.

 

‘Grand-Admiral Hux is awaiting your briefing on your mission. I need your codes to put you through.’ A clipped voice came back. Ben rolled his eyes. 

 

_ Always so much protocol to deal with.  _ He said, speaking in Rey’s head and leaving the channel open.

 

_ Do you have their codes?  _ She asked, curious as to how he intended to proceed.

 

_ Yes, but I think this will work better for us.  _ He responded as the voice on the comms repeated the request.

 

‘Apologies, the code is  FC RE N1.’ 

 

‘That code doesn’t match this ship. Give me a moment I’ll look it-’ The voice went silent. Ben waited patiently for whoever he was speaking to to deal with the realisation of who they were speaking to. 

The voice stayed silent for a few minutes before recovering, speaking quickly and breathlessly. ‘I’m sorry, sir. I’ll get Grand Admiral Hux right away for you. Will that be all?’

 

‘That’s all. Oh, also I believe you are aware of my demotion. I doubt the admiral will be particularly impressed to hear you calling me sir.’ He responded calmly, a flicker of amusement tugging the corner of his lips. 

 

‘Of course… I’ll put you through to him now.’ The voice said weakly and Ben took a breath, steeling himself. He wasn’t scared of Hux, but speaking to the man had been unpleasant when they worked together. Now it would be potentially ghastly, though the opportunity to speak honestly to him without fear of losing his expertise was appealing. 

 

‘Ren.’ The voice was clipped but he heard caution in the man’s tone.

 

‘Armitage. Congratulations on the promotion, though I do think it would be more impressive if you hadn’t promoted yourself.’

 

‘So speaks our dearly departed Supreme Leader.’ Came the response. Rey saw Ben shift in his seat, almost watching the cogs turn in his head as he engaged in the verbal sparring against his old rival.

‘Neither dear to you nor departed I’m afraid, despite your best efforts.’ He intoned. ‘Oh and it’s Ben now, with a B.’

 

‘I see.’ Hux replied, with the exasperated tone of a tired parent, false sympathy in every word. ‘It must be confusing for you switching sides quite so frequently. Do you ever become tired of being a traitor,  _ Ben?’ _

 

Rey saw Ben’s hands ball into fists and placed one of her hands over his.  _ You’re fine. He’s just trying to push your buttons.  _ Ben took a breath and nodded.

 

‘I intend to stick with this decision.’ He said simply. Beside him Rey smiled. 

 

Hux paused, thrown off by his lack of reaction. ‘I see. I have to say I’m surprised they took you back given your past victories.’ 

 

Rey watched Ben carefully, moving her hand from his hand to his leg, squeezing gently.  _ Just keep talking. It doesn’t matter what he says, we just need to keep him talking.  _ He nodded, but his expression was pained.  _ I can take over if you want?  _ She asked but he shook his head.

 

_ I can ignore Hux. You’re squeezing my injured knee.  _ Rey’s eyes widened momentarily and she removed her hand.

 

_ Sorry! I didn’t think.  _ He waved a hand.

 

_ It’s fine. It was actually helping, but I don’t imagine you’ll approve of that. _

 

She frowned at him.  _ I do not. _

 

On the comms Hux cleared his throat. ‘Loth-cat got your tongue, Ben? Or are you too choked up thinking about that criminal you called father?’

 

Ben gritted his teeth and took a few breaths. Had Hux been in the same room he would be the one choking, but he needed to stay in control. Rey watched him, a mixture of concern and pity on her face.  _ Ignore him.  _ She murmured. He held out his hand and she took it, grimacing slightly as he gripped it uncomfortably tightly.

 

‘I was actually trying to establish why you;’ve been talking to me for so long, rather than just shooting us out of the sky.’ Ben said eventually.

 

He could almost hear Hux’s smirk in his response. ‘I won’t be letting you out of my sight again. I want to watch you die.’ 

 

Ben looked across at Rey, eyebrows raised. ‘I see. And how did you mean to achieve that?’

 

‘You’ll have to find that out when we get there, I’m afraid. I’m not going to spell out my plan for you, I do have some sense. For example I am wondering why you have decided to come and make your presence known.’ 

 

Ben shrugged.  _ Worth a try.  _ His grip had loosened on Rey’s hand and she smirked at him. 

 

_ He’s sending out TIE-fighters. They’ll be with us in approximately four minutes. _

 

He nodded.  _ Right. We’ll lead them on a bit of a chase then.   _

Rey grinned.  _ You want me to man the weapons? _

 

He moved his free hand behind him opening a small hatch in the ground.  _ Go ahead.  _

 

‘I meant this as a courtesy call to ask politely that you stop trying to kill me. I dispatched both Onan and Ga’ar, sending anyone else would be a waste of your resources. I’m not coming after you, I’d appreciate it if you stopped coming after me.’

 

Hux tutted, ‘And here I thought you were sentimental, keeping all those old relics. Very well, consider our professional relationship over,  _ Ben.’ _

 

‘I had already considered that to be the case when you tried to kill me in earnest for the first time.’ He replied. ‘I imagine we’ll speak again. Until then, Hux.’ He cut off the comms and shifted into the pilot’s seat. Rey had already crossed the ship and jumped down into the weapons control. He waited for the TIE-fights to show on their scanners before setting off. He assumed Hux intended the fighters to herd them towards the command ship’s tractor beams, based on their current flight path. Instead of flying away he flew the ship towards them, figuring they’d be under orders not to shoot them down. His gamble proved correct, and they passed narrowly between two fighters as the group began to converge. Behind them the TIEs span and began to chase.

 

‘What now?’ Rey called out from behind him. 

 

‘This was your plan.’ He replied, concentrating on avoiding the fire from a ship that was aiming at their weapons system. He smiled as he saw their blasts meet Rey’s fire and explode into nothing between the ships. ‘We keep running I suppose. The Falcon should be away by now, so we could just lose them and lay low somewhere for a while.’

 

‘That’d work. Are they still tracking us?’ She yelled over the sound of continued fire from the TIE-fighters. Ben glanced across the console, locating the blinking panel that connected them to the enemy ships. He put his fist through the glass and tugged on the wires beneath the panel. 

 

‘Not anymore.’ He shouted back, returning his focus to outmaneuvering the fighters. The ships were lighter and faster, doubtless manned by the First Order’s top pilots; there was little chance of their escaping without either destroying the ships, a big ask given that the weapons onboard were more of a nod towards the concept rather than an actual functioning system. Rey was doing her best but they were not equipped for this fight. He tugged the ship up again, out of the way of a further barrage from the TIE-fighters. They were still not trying to destroy their ship; they could thankful for that; if they had been, there was a strong chance they would be dead by now. ‘We need to go to hyperspace. Can you hold them off until then?’ He called to Rey, who responded quickly, breathing heavy from the exertion of moving the clunky system

 

‘I think so. Keep avoiding them though as much as you can.’

 

He grunted in agreement, keying in coordinates for open space somewhere far from where they were. The longer they spent in hyperspace the better. As he waited for the system to complete its calculations something changed; The ships began to concentrate fire on their essential systems. He swore under his breath. Their orders must have changed when Hux realised they were not going to be herded into the Star-Destroyer. They had minutes left before the hyperdrive could even start to charge, but at this rate they would not survive that long. 

‘Rey can you fly the ship?’ He shouted over the noise of the battle.

 

‘I can, but I’m kind of busy!’ she yelled back, continuing to fire on the pursuing ships.

 

‘If this works you won’t be, come and take the controls!’ He called back and he heard the hatch open. He concentrated on dodging the fire as best he could. Rey appeared behind him and took the controls but as she did so the ship shook violently as one of the lasers struck the wing. She stumbled but retained her grip on the controls. He slid out from behind her, letting her take the seat and moved the one beside them. 

 

‘Whatever you’re doing get on with it.’ She told him as she focussed on avoiding yet more fire.

 

He closed his eyes and focussed on the ships around them, finding the weakest mind quickly and pushing against its boundaries. He found his way in quicker than expected and began to mutter under his breath. Rey shot him a sideways look as he spoke incomprehensibly, concern showing on her face. She continued to fly the ship, glancing at the screens to see how close they were to jumping into hyperspace. A few minutes more. One of the ships was gaining on them fast; it would be at point blank range soon enough, ‘come on’ she muttered under her breath, speaking quietly so as not to disrupt whatever Ben was doing. The ship grew closer. She took a breath, and reached out, trying to establish exactly where the ship was going before it got there so that she could avoid it. She was almost there when the ship exploded before her, fired on by another TIE. That same fighter turned and began firing on its fellows as comprehension dawned. She sat back, letting Ben work until she saw the hyperdrive was ready. She put a hand on his shoulder and he opened his eyes, screwing them closed again for a moment before shaking his head and turning to her. She pulled the lever and they made the jump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing a chase scene is difficult you guys. I hope it wasn't boring. I 100% stole the whole Force controlling someone on the other side into doing the fighting for you from rebels. I figure if Ezra can do it, Ben can. 
> 
> Thanks for all your comments and kudos <3


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey are stuck on a shuttle in the middle of nowhere together.

Ben left the controls of the ship as they flew through hyperspace, letting Rey take over. ‘Is it ok if I go and meditate for a while?’ he asked, still visibly shaken from the conversation with Hux. She smiled at him softly and spoke quietly. ‘Of course. There are beds on board right? You should get some sleep. We can fly in shifts.’ He nodded silently and turned in the direction of the sleeping pods. 

 

Rey stifled a yawn herself and turned back to the controls. She set the ship to autopilot and closed her eyes herself. She needed to think things through. They were working together again; that was good, but she was still distracted by what could have been. Now it seemed like they were slipping back into old habits, and that was difficult. She couldn’t detach from him emotionally; firstly she didn’t know how and she doubted that whatever methods Ben had been taught were particularly effective; secondly she didn’t want to. Their relationship was something exciting and new and something that was hers, and not anything to do with the Resistance of the Force or anything else. She wanted to do what was right and good, but hadn’t their relationship already proven it was a force for good. He had changed, and without her that wouldn’t have happened. While it wasn’t entirely her doing, she felt justified in taking some credit for his continuing turn towards the light. She rested her elbows on the edge of the control panel and put her chin in her hands, vaguely paying attention to the ship’s path as she thought. 

 

There was so much she didn’t know, and this was part of it. She wished there was someone who could teach her; someone that wasn’t half-trained themselves and didn’t lean towards the darkside at any given opportunity. She needed to know that she wasn’t going to accidentally break yet more rules she didn’t even know existed. She took a deep breath. She wished she could be as certain about things as she had been a month or so ago, but Ben kept doing that to her. He kept muddying the waters and making everything more complex than she wanted. Maybe he was bad for her. But then… She didn’t know. She didn’t know enough about anything. Neither of them did, as far as she could tell. She huffed out a breath. It was going to be a long journey. She closed her eyes and felt him out. He was asleep, which was good, though he still seemed restless. She hoped one day he could find peace with his past. It was difficult, even for her, to look past what he had been, but he deserved something for his efforts to make amends, surely. She spoke quietly without thinking.  _ It’s ok. I’m here, just sleep.  _ She felt his breathing steady slightly and smiled. 

 

Kriff. Rules be damned, she wanted to at least have some kind of conversation about what was between them. She deserved that. If they were going to be living together on this tiny shuttle, they needed to establish some ground rules. The problem was that if they had to work together in the Force it would bring them closer, regardless of how careful they were outside of it. She stood up to stretch her legs but sat down again as they came out of hyperspace. She looked at the coordinates, looking for some sign of where they were, though in all honesty she knew little about the geography of the galaxy. J-6. It meant little to her so she opened up the small map on the control panel and let out a small gasp when she saw the sector to which it referred. Wild space. They were beyond the Outer-Rim. She glanced down at the beacon on her wrist wondering if Leia could tell where they were despite the distance they had travelled. She checked the scanners to see if there was any sign of life nearby. Nothing. There was a planet a few hours from where they were, but there seemed to be no ships travelling to or from it. She could take the time to clear her mind and regain focus. She closed her eyes and began to meditate.

 

Ben blinked awake, feeling surprisingly refreshed. He didn’t remember dreaming which was a welcome relief, though he had some vague memory of Rey’s voice in his head. He rose and walked across to the console where she was meditating. He placed a hand gently on her shoulder to rouse her from wherever she was before clearing his throat and speaking, voice croaky from just waking. ‘Anything to report?’ She shook her head. 

 

‘We’re really far out, there doesn’t seem to be anything at all. How are you doing?’ She asked.

 

‘Better.’ He sat down in the chair beside her. ‘I slept well, which is rare for me. How long has it been?’

 

‘Around five hours standard time.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘Not long enough for me to be this exhausted.’

 

‘We’ve travelled a long way, and before that we were fighting. You should try and get some sleep.’  He told her. ‘I’ll take over.’

 

She nodded and stood, but turned back before she left the small cockpit. ‘I want to talk about things properly when I wake up.’ She warned him. He span the chair round to face her.

 

‘Things?’ He said, apprehension in his tone.

 

‘Us.’ She replied and he suppressed a groan. 

 

‘Right.’ He span the chair back around, waiting for her to be gone before he set out in search of sustenance. 

 

When Rey awoke a few hours later, there was a ration pack waiting for her on the floor outside her pod, as well as a small bottle of water. After drinking the water, she rubbed her eyes and patted her hair. She must have been too tired to think to take it down so now it was knotted and seemed to have eaten the bands that held it. She sat on the edge of the bed trying to remove them before she went to join Ben at the controls of the ship. Once she had found the last one she ran her fingers through her hair a few times to tame it, and then picked up the ration pack and headed out. She had eaten enough meals alone in her lifetime.  

 

She plonked herself down in the chair beside Ben, who turned to look at her. ‘Good rest?’ he asked casually, hoping she had forgotten about the talk she wanted to have with him. 

 

‘Yep. I’m re-energised and awake enough to have this conversation now.’ Ben sighed.

 

‘Right. I don’t know what you want me to say. I thought our situation was clear.’ He was avoiding looking at her and she rolled her eyes.

 

‘Well it isn’t.’ She snapped, still irritated by his attitude in all this. ‘For starters you don’t want to be a Jedi, so I don’t really see what’s bothering you, and secondly that rule doesn’t make sense.’ 

 

‘Doesn’t it?’ he returned. ‘Look at how you’re acting now, because of me.’

 

‘Because of that rule. And anyway, as far as I can tell i can be angry i just can’t let it be my motivation.’ 

 

He shrugged. ‘I don’t think it makes sense either, it’s just something I know. I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s training. I’ve done enough damage to the Jedi; just because I can’t be one doesn’t mean I don’t respect what they are.’ He told her. 

 

She rolled her eyes. ‘What training?’ She said exasperated. ‘Nobody’s training me. I’m just doing my best to do what I’ve heard about or seen other people doing. Luke gave me three lessons. I know how to use the Force and I know what to avoid. That’s all. I’m sure I’m breaking hundreds of rules that I don’t know about.’

 

He nodded and looked at the floor. ‘Probably. But we know about this one. That’s the issue.’ 

 

She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘You trained for a lot longer than me. You should know more than this.’ 

 

He grimaced. ‘Yeah, I don’t know that I got what I was supposed to out of my training. I was always a lot better at the physical side of things. Even with the Force I’m not exactly using a lot of finesse. In all honesty I don’t know how much my Uncle knew about the rules of the Order before the Empire.’

 

Rey nodded slowly, thinking aloud. ‘So we’re starting from scratch, basically? I mean we know no relationships but we don’t know why. So we work out why, and we work out everything else. I’m still going to say I’m a Jedi, but if we’re honest neither of us really know what that means.’

 

Ben looked up at her, confused by this sudden new direction. ‘I suppose. Ok. As far as I know the rule exists to stop Jedi from having strong emotions which could lead you to fall to the darkside.’ He noted her expression and continued. ‘Obviously it’s not the only way to fall to the darkside. But Jedi are supposed to be able to deny their emotions to focus on the important things.’ 

 

Rey pressed her lips together. ‘That doesn’t make sense.’ She said eventually. ‘I- when I use the Force it’s because of the people I love. It’s for them. I mean if I hadn’t met Finn or your mother I’d definitely still be on Jakku trying to stay alive, I wouldn’t be helping people. Why is…’ She looked down and he saw colour rise in her cheeks, ‘Why is romantic love any different?’ 

 

He bit his lip. ‘Romantic love is… it’s difficult and selfish and grasping. You have to compromise or you lose what you have, but then when you compromise you lose who you are. It’s not just some story about people meeting and flying off into a sunset; there’s a lot that comes afterwards which is less picturesque.’

 

Rey watched him as he spoke, biting the inside of her bottom lip. ‘Oh. I didn’t know that’s how you felt about relationships. I guess I’ve not had any experience in that area… It makes sense that you don’t want to do this.’

 

He shook his head. ‘I do. Like I said, it’s selfish. And I haven’t… had any experience either. I was talking about my parents.’

 

Rey tapped her fingers on her leg trying to curb her frustration. ‘Well much as I love your mother, I’m not her. We’re different people. I say we do it. We both want it. Everything else I do is for everyone else, I should get to be selfish about one thing.’

 

Ben turned back to her. ‘But that’s exactly the problem. That’s not what Jedi are about. They’re selfless to a fault, it’s one of their most annoying traits.’

 

Rey smiled weakly at him and elbowed him in the ribs. ‘Stop that. There’s noone else here, and I know you don’t hate Jedi.’

 

He smiled back briefly, ‘I am fond of one specific Jedi,’ he allowed, but then he sighed and ran his hand through his hair. ‘Why are you fighting so hard for this? You know it’s a bad idea.’

 

Rey leaned back in her seat, staring at the ceiling. ‘I haven’t wanted anything for myself apart from necessities before. I don’t know. It just feels right. It feels like this is what we’re meant to be doing. I mean, we’re connected through the Force right? That feels like a pretty big sign, rules or no rules.’

 

Ben put his hands to his temples for a moment. Why did he have to be the rational one in this conversation? That had never been one of his strengths. ‘That was Snoke. Listening to his ideas has never gone well in the past.’

 

Rey continued to stare at the ceiling. He had a point. She still wanted this though. ‘I don’t think Snoke wanted us to be together in that sense. He was quite clear about wanting you to kill me.’

 

Ben also leaned back in his chair. ‘I suppose. I still don’t think it’s a big cosmic sign, I think it’s an aftereffect from Snoke messing with my head.’ He glanced over at Rey before clarifying. ‘The only good thing he ever did for me. I’m not saying our connection is a bad thing.’      

 

She sighed. ‘It’s not. But we can do so much more together, you just showed me that. We have to be close anyway if we intend to do more things together with the Force, and I think that we can do a lot of good that way. I just don’t know how we can be that close without just being together. Unless…’ She had a brainwave. She sat back up and grabbed his arm, pulling him back up too. ‘What if we got it out of our system now, while we’re hiding. We don’t have anything better to do.’ She grinned at him like she’d just won an intense game of holo-chess and something inside him melted.

‘That sounds like a terrible idea.’ he said quietly, but she was sitting so close now, leaning in conspiratorially. He could feel her breath on his cheek. He swallowed. What did he know? His judgement had always proved poor aside from one or two good decisions in recent weeks, while Rey had been making good decisions seemingly her whole life. He could defer to her opinion this time. He leant closer still, kissing her shyly. It was quicker and less intense than their first kiss, but something about it was still comfortable and good, despite his reservations. He felt her smile against his mouth and they moved apart. Rey beamed at him and he sighed, defeated. ‘This ends when we get back to wherever everyone else is. For now we, uh-’ She watched him amused at how awkward this was for him, and very much enjoying finally getting her way.

 

‘we get it out of our systems.’ She finished for him before leaning in again to kiss him properly this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. At least noone's sulking right? 
> 
> I have been stuck indoors for too long and I am losing my mind.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben prepare to spend a while on the shuttle.

Ben emerged from the living area of the ship and sat down beside Rey. ‘We have rations to last us 4 weeks and 3 days. If we use them sparingly we could make it 6 weeks, but we won’t be able to train as rigorously as I’d like.’ 

 

‘You’re supposed to be taking it easy anyway, Ben. Your knee is still injured, you need to build up gradually.’  Rey told him, swinging her chair around to face his. ‘Anyway, where were you planning on training on here? There’s barely any room for me to practice, and I’m a lot smaller than you. We definitely can’t use your lightsaber, we’d break things.’ He glowered at her. 

 

‘The space beside the sleeping pods is fine. I wasn’t planning on using my saber.’ He replied sulkily. ‘I’m not going to do more than I’m able to, but I know what I can do. I was planning on showing you some of the Forms.’ Rey looked at him blankly so he continued. ‘They’re fighting styles, tailored to different approaches - there are seven officially, but you can combine them if you want, or use different Forms in different situations. It just makes your fighting style more purposeful. Obviously we’d start with Form I, but if we’re going to come across more of the Knights then you’ll need to- What?’ He stopped as he watched her mouth move into a smirk.

 

‘Sorry. I thought you didn’t learn anything from your training.’ She needled and he looked at the ceiling in mock exasperation.

 

‘I said I didn’t get what I was supposed to from my training, I didn’t say i didn’t learn anything. I could always do the fighting aspect of it, it was the restraint that was a challenge.’ He shot her a look. ‘You seem to be having trouble in that respect too.’

 

She smirked at him and stood up, walking over to stand over him. ‘I don’t know what you’re referring to, Ben, but if it’s what i think it is you don’t seem to be raising many objections.’ She leant down and kissed him chastely on the cheek, tousling his hair before leaving the cockpit. He stood and followed, combing his hair irritatedly back out of his face where Rey had left it. He was used to her touching him without warning now, and it was fine, but she seemed to be experimenting with how far she could push it.

 

‘Firstly, I have raised a lot of objections, I just got tired of arguing a viewpoint I don’t agree with. Secondly, a dramatic exit only works if you have somewhere to go.’ Rey span on her heel to face him, still smirking. 

 

‘You don’t know I don’t have somewhere to go.’

 

Ben leaned in the doorway to the cockpit, his large frame blocking it entirely. ‘Go ahead then. Get on with whatever important business you came through here to complete.’ He stayed in the doorway, watching. Rey turned her back on him again and headed into the meditation room. She hadn’t been intending to meditate, but now she was here she might as well. She settled into position and began to meditate. Ben shook his head, smiling and turned back into the cockpit. Once there, he checked the ship’s current trajectory, ensuring that they were still in empty space and not heading towards anything that could cause any further damage to their ship. They were managing for now despite the damaged wing; as long as they adjusted for the asymmetry every so often they would continue to be fine. There was not a great deal to do aside from that if they were just laying low. Rey had probably stumbled onto the best thing to do while trying to pointlessly prove that she had something to do. He set a few alarms on the control panel, ensuring that he would be alerted should any ships appear on their scanners, and closed his own eyes. 

 

He tried to sort through his thoughts, in particular those relating to his time training with Luke. He needed to separate his emotions about his late Uncle from the knowledge he had gained there. It helped nobody to ignore that entire section of his life. He  tentatively approached the area of his head where he kept that part of his life. It was well-trodden ground; memories he had accessed frequently when he had been fuelling his hate with the anger and fear that lay there. Now though he was trying to go past that point, preferably as quickly as he could, to access what lay beyond it. It was challenging though; each time he reached for the knowledge he knew he should remember, his focus was on something else; the way Luke emphasised specific things to him above the others, making eye contact as he spoke; the way other students could do things he couldn’t, despite his obvious strength advantage both physically and in the Force. Luke had never trusted him. Their relationship had been built on a foundation of lies and fear, it was no wonder… He opened his eyes and took a steadying breath. This was not helpful. It was better to relinquish whatever it was he may have forgotten than to go back to that place.

 

He checked the scanners again. Still nothing. They were veering again though, so he righted the ship before trudging back into the living quarters. He passed the sleeping pods and went into the small food prep area beside the weapons hatch. He poured himself some water and drank slowly, hands still shaking. He needed space to train. Training Rey was all very well, and he was sure it would be satisfying in its own way, but he needed a space where he could move properly without crashing into anything. There was a cargo hold, he thought. But the air quality would be poor. There was no point recycling air in an area nobody was going to be spending any time. He wondered if he could work around that, or find some way of rerouting the air circulation systems. He walked across the small space and opened the door to the hold, stepping inside. The change in air quality was immediate; it was stale and stagnant, enough to sustain anyone moving things in or out of the hold but not enough to sustain anyone for any length of time. The space was large enough though, there was room to train in here, possibly for both of them. He was sure there was a holopad somewhere onboard that would have the specs, so he began to search through the various storage units above the sleeping pods. In the first all found was a mess of robes and dubious First order issue underwear, which he resorted to the Force to remove _.  _ There was also a generous supply of alcohol; the only thing in there that seemed somewhat taken care of. He scowled. Onan had known how he felt about intoxication, yet these bottles proved once again the lack of respect the man had held for him. Closing that compartment, he moved onto the second. This was neater, the garments within were folded and there was a small pile of papers and notebooks laying beside them, as well as a small datapad. He waited as it blinked to life, and was pleased to find that it was indeed the ships schematics. He took the pad back through to the cockpit and sat behind the controls, pouring through the information until he found what he needed. If he was honest, he was disappointed to find that it was something that had been planned for. He had been hoping for a project to keep him occupied, but as it was he altered the required settings for the air to be recycled as frequently in the cargo hold as well as in the rest of the ship.

 

Checking the scanners to find nothing for what felt like the hundredth time, he gave up on restraint and went to speak with Rey. He knocked before sliding the door open and waiting for her to look round. She did so, smiling. ‘Everything ok?’ she asked and he nodded. 

 

‘We need to contact my mother somehow.’ He said, voicing the thoughts that had lead him to disturb her. ‘Oh, and we can train in the cargo-hold, I messed with the air supply so it’s usable.’ 

 

Rey narrowed her eyes, ‘When you say ‘I messed with the air supply,’ that doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. Will we be able to breath in the rest of the ship.’

 

‘Everywhere but the sleeping pods. We don’t need to breath while we sleep right?’ He drawled, and Rey rolled her eyes. 

 

‘Right. Contacting Leia. I have the intercom still, we can try that.’

 

Ben held out his hand to help her up and she grabbed it, standing in front of him. ‘I doubt it’ll work this far out.’ He said. 

 

Rey pushed him backwards out of the door and moved past towards the cockpit where the small comm unit lay in one of the empty seats. ‘It’s still worth trying.’ She told him sanctimoniously, picking it up and turning the knob on the top to tune into one of the Resistance frequencies. They picked up some chatter from the planet below, but aside from that nothing of any use. Ben, who had been sitting beside her smirked. 

 

‘I told you we wouldn’t get anything.’ 

 

‘Well I’m sorry for having a bit of optimism.’ She said. ‘I don’t know what you’re so smug about, now we have to think of some other way to get in touch. We can’t just stay here forever.’

 

Ben shrugged. ‘It has its advantages.’ He murmured and Rey smiled, looking down. She leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder.

 

‘I’d prefer not to starve though,’ she told him casually. ‘I like you but not as much as food.’

 

He huffed out a laugh and put his arm around her shoulder. ‘I’d willingly sacrifice food for you.’ He said and Rey snorted. 

 

‘In that case I have 8 weeks and 6 days worth of rations, but I’ll be alone for 2 of those weeks. I could have more time if I resort to cannibalism.’ Ben hummed his agreement and she nodded decisively. ‘Fair enough. You can explain the plan to your mother though.’

 

‘I’ll probably leave out the cannibalism,’ he told her. ‘But that brings us back to working out how we get in touch in the first place.’

 

Rey nodded. ‘Could we use the Force? I mean we could communicate over long distances. I have no idea how we’d manage it, but it’s possible right?’

 

Ben pressed his lips together. ‘Perhaps. I don’t know… We can definitely try, it’s not like we have anything better to do. It’d help to have some idea of where they are.’ 

 

Rey closed her eyes. ‘Uh-huh. Any ideas?’

 

He shook his head. ‘No, I don’t-’ he stopped, thinking. He did have some idea of the allies she might call on, both from First Order intelligence and from his own memories. He hoped very much that he would be relying on the latter; there were systems in place within The First Order for dealing with those who helped the Resistance. ‘There are a few places we could try.’ He told her and she sat up.

 

‘Oh?’

 

‘Verlaine, perhaps, though her association with my Mother was very public, I don’t know if  contacting her would be their wisest move. They are desperate though. It’s a starting point.’

 

‘We.’ Rey corrected quietly and Ben furrowed his brow.

 

‘What?’

 

‘We. You’re stuck with us now, Ben Solo. Less ‘they.’’ She smirked at him and he shook his head.

 

‘Sorry. We. We’re desperate.’ He deadpanned and Rey laughed at him.

 

‘Better.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This'll be the last daily update for a bit I'm afraid, but I'm going to try and keep up with 2 chapters a week. Back to school again for me, snow or no snow. (It will be the former. But at least I get to leave the house which will be exciting.)
> 
> Thanks for comments and kudos :)


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben try to contact Leia.

The two of them sat cross-legged in the newly aerated cargo-hold. Rey faced Ben, though each had their eyes closed in concentration, arms outstretched each leaving bruises on the skin of the other’s forearm. Ben was the first to break, releasing Rey’s arms and rising to pace the room . ‘We can’t reach far enough.’ He said bluntly as Rey gently touched the tender ovals he had pressed into her arm. 

 

‘No.And we’ve tried this enough ways and for long enough. I don’t think we can reach her this way.’

 

He huffed out a breath, still pacing. ‘So what do we do?’  There was an edge to his tone that gave Rey pause for a moment. She stood and went to grab his arm and sit him down but he snatched it away. and continued to pace the small room. Rey rolled her eyes.

 

‘Stop it.’ She said. ‘This is not anyone’s fault, it’s just a thing.’

 

He span, glaring at her. ‘I should be able to do it,’ He exploded. ‘I have trained long enough one way or another, I should be able to do this!’ Rey said nothing, but threw him his saber. 

 

‘We’ve been sitting for too long,’ she said, half to herself before speaking louder, making sure Ben could hear her. ‘I’m not going to leave just because you’re shouting.’ She told him. ‘Get this out of your system then we’ll plan. I’ll be back in a second.’ She left the room briefly, returning to find Ben still furious, though with himself more than anyone else. She ran at him, wielding her quarterstaff, and he put up an arm to block it, taking the impact with little response. He ducked out of the way of her second strike and ignited his blade. They sparred for a few minutes, until they got to a point where both their weapons and eyes were locked. ‘Better?’ Rey asked, still pressing forward with her staff. 

‘Better.’ Ben agreed and stepped back, letting her momentum take her forward into an inelegant fall. ‘We can continue though?’ He asked tentatively, offering a hand so she could get up. His answer came as she took it, rose and whacked his back with the quarterstaff as she did so. He coughed, but took it in his stride and their fight continued. By the end both were bruised and breathing heavily and the result of the episode seemed very much subjective. Each would claim that they were close to victory when they stopped, and it was unclear who was correct. 

 

‘Ok,’ Rey said between pants, ‘now you’re done,’ she swallowed, ‘we can make a plan.’

 

‘Water first.’ Ben said, and she was momentarily infuriated by how quickly he seemed to have recovered, but she found comfort in the fact that while her tied back hair was still largely fine, his was ridiculous. 

 

‘Sounds like a plan.’ She said, reaching out her hand as she moved toward the door. He took it and they left the cargo hold, walking across to the small kitchen area, Ben pouring two glasses and giving the first to Rey. He turned and leaned against the short worktop, wincing and repositioning himself briefly to avoid the bruises on his back. She watched him move, sipping her water. ‘What was all that about?’ She asked gently, waiting until he seemed comfortable. He shrugged, and she sighed. ‘Ben, please. I’m not…’ she searched for a word, but couldn’t find it.  ‘I want to know you’re ok.’ she finished.

 

He looked away, taking another sip of water. ‘I don’t enjoy failure. It’s not an unusual trait.’ He muttered.

 

‘I couldn’t do it either.’ Rey said simply, giving him space to work out his foibles in this particular area. His response was what she expected;

 

‘That’s different.’ He was still looking at the ground.

 

‘Oh?’ she asked, her tone letting him know he was in dangerous waters.

 

He kicked his toe against the ground, focussing on that action and ignoring Rey’s quirked eyebrow. ‘I just mean I’ve had more training. And I’ve read the texts in detail. I should be able to-’ He stopped, registering his clenched fist and taking a breath. ‘It’s fine. We’ll try something else. We’ll find them.’ He took another breath, and repeated the phrase under his breath, closing his eyes briefly. ‘We’ll find her.’

 

As he spoke, understanding dawned and Rey walked across the room, lacing her fingers through his. ’We will. Or they’ll find us. Either way, we’ll get back to them.’ He nodded and breathed out. A thought struck Rey. ‘This was your idea, we didn’t even run it by your mother. It’s not some big conspiracy to get rid of you.’

 

‘That wasn’t what I-’ He stopped as she raised an eyebrow, taking back his hands turning away, back towards the sink, messing with the cupboards trying to seem busy . ‘It wasn’t a conscious thought. I’m not trying to be like this.’ Rey hadn’t moved. She waited until he turned back to her to slip her hand behind his neck and pull him down to kiss her. 

 

‘It’s fine.’ she murmured as they parted, noses still close enough to touch if either moved. He sighed and pulled her closer to him, bending to burying his face in her hair.

‘’m sorry.’ The words were muffled, and Rey chuckled. 

 

‘I don’t think there’s anything to apologise for this time.’ She told him, wrapping her arms around his waist and looking up, dislodging his head from hers to gain eye contact. ‘You were frustrated and we dealt with it in a healthy way, aside from mild bruising.’ 

 

‘I was being stupid and you helped. I don’t know what I would have done’ Hepressed his lips together, and Rey smiled gently.

 

‘That’s what I’m here for.’ She replied. ‘I didn’t come along because I didn’t think you could fly the ship.’

 

‘You came along because you don’t trust me not to fly the ship into a black hole.’ He said bluntly, looking away again. She shrugged and leant her head against his chest.

 

‘If I wasn’t here, what are the chances you wouldn’t have tried to board Hux’s star destroyer and chop him in half?’ She felt his low chuckle and smiled.

 

‘Slim.’ He admitted, but something in him wouldn’t let her have the last word. ’It would have kept him distracted.’   

 

‘It would have ended with you either dead or trapped with the First Order.’ She said, arguing half-heartedly.

 

‘Two problems solved.’ He said, resting his cheek on the top of her head. She poked him where she assumed his back must be bruised. He ignored her so she clarified.

 

‘You’re not a problem.’ 

 

‘Right now.’ He added and she rolled her eyes. 

 

‘Stop it.’ She stepped back, a stern expression on her face. ‘I mean it. You’ve made it clear you regret that time. You need to move on.’ Ben looked down, lips pressed together. He opened his mouth briefly but thought better of it. ‘What?’ Rey demanded.

 

‘I was just-’ he stopped himself and started again. ‘I was being glib.’

 

‘But you don’t think you deserve to move on.’ Rey pressed. ‘That’s what this is, right? You’re working with us to balance out some cosmic scale of right and wrong but you’re not going to forgive yourself.’ She expected him to rail against this, but instead he closed his eyes momentarily and sighed. 

 

‘It’s not as simple as that. I can’t just decide to be ok.’ He said simply, maintaining eye contact now. ‘I don’t know how to get to a point where I could forgive myself.’ He shrugged and Rey nodded slowly. 

 

‘Keep trying.’ She told him. She’d never had the time to wallow; she’d been too busy fighting to survive. She imagined Ben had spent a lot of time alone as a child. He smiled weakly at her, but his eyes were tired. 

 

‘Ok.’ He promised, pushing himself off the surface he had been leaning on and moving past her towards the cockpit. ‘We still need to work out how to contact my mother.’

 

Rey followed, shaking her head. They would continue this another time. She was worried by how old he had seemed for a moment; how tired. As she sat in the seat beside him, she noticed him stifle a yawn and she chuckled slightly. ‘Go get some sleep, for now we’ll just set a course back towards the Outer Rim and we can try again. It could just be distance.’ Ben grimaced, but rose nonetheless.

 

‘I don’t think distance will change anything.’ he said bleakly as he left, and Rey felt like slamming her head, or possibly his, into the control panel. 

 

‘Trying can’t hurt.’ She said, forcing energy into her tone. His emotional state was leaking into hers, and she was not going to let him drag her down. They had a job to do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys it was world book day and one of my kids came as Kylo Ren which just lead to so much accidental comedy. He's pale with dark hair and big brown eyes so he 100% looks like 6 year old Ben Solo and watching him fiddle awkwardly with his lightsaber in the background while everyone else in the class was dancing during assembly was simultaneously heart-breaking and hilarious. Also the robes were too long and he couldn't use the toilet on his own which lead to speculation within the class about how real Kylo Ren manages (my statement that he is an adult with hand-eye coordination was not accepted by the children - apparently he uses the Force.) He was also very excited because his Grandpa was picking him up from school today which was perfect.
> 
> Also had to stop them from referring to Leia as booby-lady when they found a picture of her in the gold bikini in the visual guide we have. On international women's day no less. This week has been quite tiring if I'm honest, which has probably affected my writing so sorry gang.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is still not a happy boy. We explore that some more.

Plans for contacting Leia were made almost daily aboard the shuttle on which Rey and Ben currently resided, and they were typically abandoned within minutes. Neither Force-user could think of anything other than waiting until Leia decided to try and contact them. There was also a vague, unspoken hope between the two of them that they would happen upon the system the rest of the Resistance were in and the comms would start working. The two of them had settled into a routine; they slept at separate times, ensuring someone was always on hand to fly the ship. Each had time to meditate, which took up a fair proportion of the day, and when they weren’t doing that they would train. Ben showed so much enthusiasm for teaching her the Forms, Rey hadn’t had the heart not to let him, so they had been running through the stances and styles one by one. She ran through them slowly in her head, trying to remember the differences as she sat behind the controls. She had reached Form 6 when the ship began to shake. She dropped quickly into the pilot’s seat and checked the scanners. Nothing. She groaned slightly and span the chair around. Ben had not been sleeping well, and his nightmares tended to have consequences that reached further than his mental state, though that itself was something she was becoming increasingly concerned about. 

 

She stood and walked through towards the sleep pods, sliding open the one in which Ben lay. His fists were clenched, bunching the mess of sheets and blankets beneath him, and a sheen of sweat covered his face as his breath came short and shallow. She knelt beside him and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. His hand shot to her wrist, gripping it tightly as his eyes flew open, pupils huge as they adjusted to the light.

 

‘They’re gone?’ His tone was urgent, almost panicked but Rey couldn’t tell whether their presence was good or bad, whoever ‘they’ might be. She furrowed her brow, twisting her wrist out of his hand and smoothing his mussed hair. 

 

‘Who?’ she asked gently, but his eyes were closing again. She cleared her throat and he blinked them open again, repeating his question. She sighed. ‘It’s just us, Ben. Go to sleep.’ He nodded blearily, and shifted in the bed, body turning in on itself until he was curled on top of the sheets. She started to move, but a hand moved towards her and she heard a muffled voice. 

 

‘Stay?’ His voice cracked in the middle of the word and she heard him stifle a sob. She got up from her knees and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching a hand over to smooth his mussed hair. He froze as she touched him, muscles tensing and breath quickening. She withdrew her hand and his breathing steadied. 

 

‘I don’t know how to help.’ She said quietly. She was out of her depth here; she had no idea what was going on in Ben’s head. When he was in this state his defenses were up, and all she could get from him was the turmoil he was in.  She went to touch him again on instinct as she heard another stifled sob, but pulled herself back.

‘Just stay.’ He said into the hand that covered his face. Rey yawned and checked the time. It was technically time for her to wake him and get some rest herself, but right now was not going to be a good time. 

 

‘I’m going to sit on the bed properly then.’ She told him; warning him before she moved seemed to be a good idea right now. Moving so that she was inside the pod beside him, she rested her back against the wall and crossed her ankles. She felt Ben relax again, if his current shaky breathing and clenched fists could be described as anything close to relaxed. Her stomach churned at the muffled sobs she heard coming from the figure beside her. She let herself slide down the wall until she lay beside him, eyes level with his, though she couldn’t see them through the hand that still covered them. ‘Ben?’ she said quietly and his fingers parted. He looked at her and her heart broke for him. ‘Can I touch you?’ she asked gently and he nodded. She shuffled in closer, wrapping her arms around his back and pulling him in towards her, resting her chin on his head. She was concerned when his sobbing intensified, having expected it to stop or at least ease. ‘It’s ok,’ she soothed him gently, rubbing his back in firm circles. She wasn’t sure it was. She didn’t understand why he seemed to be getting worse, rather than better. He had been erratic, the past few days; easily frustrated and anxious about what felt like nothing. She reached a hand out behind her pressing the button to close the pod. There had been no crises while either of them slept up to now, they could afford to sleep simultaneously for one night, not that either were sleeping. Ben was still crying. She stopped rubbing his back and moved away slightly, resting her forehead on his. 

 

_ How can I help you?  _ She projected, knowing he was beyond listening to her voice at this point. 

 

Ben gritted his teeth, trying to steady himself. He didn’t know what was wrong. All he knew was that he was spiralling and he couldn’t see a way out; everytime he tried to sleep he saw Snoke, or Luke or his father or any number of people he had ended without a thought. He hadn’t been able to meditate over the past few days; emptying his mind left space for other things to creep in, and try as he might he couldn’t escape the words Snoke had spent years whispering into his head. He breathed slowly again, steadily now and she felt his shake his head. At least he wasn’t crying now. 

 

‘Just go to sleep.’ She told him, her own words heavy with tiredness. He didn’t respond, but she felt his eyes flutter closed again. She closed her own.

 

Ben woke a few hours later, head pounding. Rey lay with her back to him, still asleep. He moved slowly and carefully, trying not to disturb her sleep; it was hours after he was supposed to be awake. He was pathetic. He couldn’t even keep his own routines, and the discipline he had worked hard to instill in himself was slipping. He had dragged Rey away from where she was supposed to be, and now he was making her miserable. The strange thing was that he didn’t feel miserable this morning; he didn’t feel anything. The emptiness was something he could never tolerate. He stepped out of the sleeping pod and onto the ground. The cold against his bare foot was something. It was real and concrete and it broke through the fog in his head for a moment. He knelt and pressed his hand to the ground, but it warmed too quickly and he was left numb once more. He rose, pulling his robes on and walked past the sleeping pods to the kitchen. He drank a small glass of water, slowly, feeling the pain in his head ebb away into nothing leaving him devoid of all feeling. He squeezed the glass in his hand, maintaining pressure until it broke pushing shards of glass and pain into his flesh. He savoured the feeling for a moment before moving on to practicalities. He shouldn’t need this. He should be better. He had escaped, he had changed, he was still trying to change. What else could he do to get away from what he had been? He pulled a glove over his clean hand and began picking the glass from the wound methodically, focussing on the action and the pain, using them to empty his mind.

 

‘Dark thoughts again, hm?’ A voice disturbed the peace that had fallen in the room. Ben looked up.

‘Who? How-?’ He paused, recovering himself. The small figure chuckled and walked across the living space towards the meditation room.

 

‘You will come when you must.’ The creature entered the room, humming softly to itself. Ben followed. He had heard the stories, of course, secondhand from his mother and then in parts from Luke. He followed, cautious, reticent to trust any being speaking to him that should not be there. When he entered the room it was empty. A dream then, or a vision… His hand still throbbed. He should dress it, but he didn’t. He sat on the mat in the centre, legs crossed, and closed his eyes. Perhaps now, with the pain… He felt a rap against his knee and opened his eyes to see Yoda before him once more.

 

‘Pain helps focus, yes, but it invites darkness.’ Ben rolled his eyes.

 

‘I always assumed if I was to be harassed by Force-ghosts it would be my uncle.’ He said moodily. The figure before him chuckled again.

 

‘Ready for that you are not, young skywalker.’

 

‘Solo.’ Ben corrected reflexively, surprising himself. He hadn’t laid claim to that name before, but having it disregarded so casually felt wrong. 

 

‘An important part of you, yes. Ben Solo. But Skywalker you are nonetheless. Another important part.’ Ben nodded slowly in agreement, but then furrowed his brow. 

 

‘What do you want?’  He asked bluntly. He was not prepared for reflection right now.

 

‘What do  _ you _ want?’ Yoda repeated, a strange smile on his face. Ben shrugged and Yoda shook his head. ‘Not good enough. You must find out.’ He stood, walking towards the exit, but Ben spoke before he reached the door.

 

‘Don’t.’ The ghost stopped and turned back, expectant. Ben continued. ‘I want to feel something.’

 

‘Anything?’ The creature asked, amusement in his voice again.

 

‘No- I- I’ve heard about you, in stories. You help people.’ He hated how feeble he sounded. Asking for help was not something he relished.

 

‘Stories, hm?’ Yoda sat on the ground, facing Ben. ‘Grew up on stories, you did. Very dangerous thing. Stories are important, yes, true at times. Always dangerous. Very easy to lose yourself in stories.’ His gaze was piercing now. ‘Someone’s namesake, someone’s son, someone’s nephew. Someone’s grandson. Who are  _ you?’  _ His question was accusatory and Ben had to count his breaths. He didn’t know the answer. He was terrified of what it would be. Yoda watched him and shook his head. ‘Kylo Ren the answer is not. Ben Solo yes, always Ben Solo. Kylo was never an answer, just another story someone told you.’

 

Ben nodded slowly. ‘That… makes sense. But I still don’t have an answer.’

 

‘Find one.’ The Jedi told him and Ben scoffed. They sat a moment in silence before the figure spoke again. ‘ A powerful thing, the dark is. A strong pull. You have fought it for a long time. A fighter. That is your answer now. Who do you want to be?’

 

Ben pressed his lips together, thinking. ‘I want- I want to be good.’ 

 

Yoda nodded. ‘Then fight for it, you must.’

 

Ben breathed in slowly, then let the air leave his lungs once more. ‘I can do that.’ He said. 

 

‘You can.’ Yoda confirmed. ‘It will be hard though.’ He warned. ‘Fighting your own mind is a great challenge. You have faced great challenges before and run. This time you cannot.’ 

 

Ben met the figure’s eyes. ‘I know. I won’t.’ Hope stirred in his gut and his expression was determined.

 

‘Then leave you I will. Fix that, you must.’ Yoda instructed, gesturing to Ben’s still bleeding hand with his cane as he faded from view. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean why not bring Yoda into this, right? I hope his dialogue is ok, I didn't want to go overboard with the yoda speak because it's annoying. I read somewhere that in the original trilogy he only inverts statements that contain the verb 'to be' so that's what I tried to stick to, and even then it was too much so I've just sprinkled it in where it felt right.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Order releases a propaganda film, with far reaching consequences.

Leia looked up from the notes she had been writing as Jem Marr entered the room. ‘Jem,’ she smiled warmly. His expression did not match hers. ‘Everything ok?’ she asked, his grim mood quickly erasing her smile.

 

‘I think you should see this, Senator.’ He handed her a holopad, standing before her.

 

‘Leia is fine.’ she told him, placing the pen on the ornate desk and propping the pad before he. She grimaced when she saw the face of General Hux on the screen. ‘Propaganda?’ she asked. Jem furrowed his brow.

 

‘Perhaps. There are some things you will need to explain.’ His tone was short. Leia swallowed and played the short clip. The man on screen told a twisted story, but the frustrating thing was that much of it she could not deny, either because it was true, or because it she didn’t know where the truth lay. The short film ended with an artist’s impression of Ben’s face, and without thinking she reached her hand out towards it. She missed him. She hoped desperately that they were safe, but she had no way of knowing, only the beacon that gave her an idea of the distance between them; a distance too dangerous to travel right now. Jem’s voice brought her back to reality. ‘It’s true then.’ He said, disappointment colouring his words.

 

‘In part.’ Leia sighed, bending forward and putting her head in her hands.

 

‘That’s what became of Ben?’ Jem pressed, needing further explanation. He had opened his home to these people; people he thought he could trust. Kriff, this was Leia Organa-Solo, he should be able to trust her, but… Family was complicated, and he was already risking a lot. He could not risk Kylo Ren barging into his compound.

 

Leia nodded. ‘He… I failed and I lost him.’ She couldn’t be entirely truthful right now. She had to wait and see the effect this would have on Jem. The man was pacing behind her. She needed to calm the situation; they couldn’t afford to lose Jem’s support. The influence he wielded within the core worlds was not something to be sniffed at, and he could grant them more than a place to lay low should he stay open to their cause.

 

‘Where is he?’ Jem asked brusquely. ‘The Admiral said that he had been overthrown within the First Order,’ and that he was working with you now; trying to gain power in any way he could.’ Leia scoffed at this.

 

‘And you believed him?’ She spoke before thinking, and regretted it instantly. She needed him to let his guard down, not put it up further. She rose and stood in front of him. guiding the man to one of the seats beside the small fireplace in her room. She sat opposite him and sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Jem. I shouldn’t have snapped. This is a very difficult topic for me as I’m sure you can imagine.’ He inclined his head, waiting for her to continue her explanation. She took a breath and began. ‘Ben did come back to us. To me. He was wounded and looking for a place to lay low. He’s changed a lot since then. He’s not looking for power, neither would I give him any or fall for that. It has taken a lot for me to trust that he has turned back towards the light; even now I doubt him, but he is with Rey, the Force-user I told you about. Her, I would trust with my life and the lives of everyone here.’ Jem listened patiently, but his discomfort with the situation was growing. Leia could see that in his eyes and the way he shifted his weight.

 

‘This Force-user, she’s strong?’ He asked cagily.

 

‘As strong as him, according to my brother. And he won’t harm her, regardless.’ Jem raised a questioning eyebrow and Leia met his eyes, amusement playing in her own despite the situation. ‘He’s besotted with the girl. I can assure you he won’t do anything foolish while they’re together.’ Not intentionally, anyway, she thought to herself. Chances were they were both being foolish, but they were beyond her reach, and... And perhaps they deserved a moment of happiness. Maker-knew it would be hard enough for Ben to find his place in the galaxy now that his face was public; he should have something to hold on to.

 

Jem nodded, still trying to reconcile the boy he had seen sitting quietly in the back of meetings, drawing or fiddling with various toys and gadgets he had been given to keep him quiet, with the masked killer children in the compound whispered of in ghost stories late at night. Jem considered himself something of an artist; he had expressed interest in the boy’s drawings at times and been gifted a few. If he looked he could probably still find them. He thought of his daughter, just reaching adulthood herself, and his young son and his lip curled in distaste. He spoke bluntly. ‘I will not have him here. You can stay and we will support you with credits, weapons, whatever you need but he does not set foot on this planet.’

 

Leia clasped the man’s hands in hers. ‘Thank you. When I get in touch with them I will ask that they don’t join us here. You have my gratitude, Jem. I- the galaxy owes you a debt.’ Jem smiled shortly.

 

‘We all live here.’ He told her and rose from the deep chair. ‘I will make arrangements for ships and supplies. The sooner you’re out of here…’ He trailed off, looking at her apologetically. ‘Sorry. That was-’ Leia raised a hand.

 

‘I understand. You have children here. You’d do anything to keep them safe.’

 

‘Aside from turning away wanted terrorists apparently.’  Jem said, grimacing, but Leia saw the kindness in his eyes that had been the reason she’d sought him out. She rose and walked with him to the door before going back to her notes. Jem had left the pad, and it was distracting her. She played the video again, scowling as any hopes for him being able to move forward died within her. His face was public knowledge now. She felt hatred growing in the pit of her stomach for the young, red-haired man in the video, spouting his lies. She stopped herself. He was only Ben’s age, maybe a little older. Another kid making stupid decisions that would reach farther than he could imagine. She checked the comms. Sources were already sending her messages that more planets had aligned themselves with the First Order, following it’s apparent release from the tyranny of Kylo Ren. They were rebranding, she thought, disgusted, as a force for peace and unity in the galaxy, now no longer under the thumb of a Force-wielding maniac. She sighed and stood, leaving her room to find Poe and inform him of the current situation.  

 

  ***

 

When Rey woke she found a ration pack beside her, as well as a small bottle of water. She sniffed tentatively at the robes she wore and screwed up her face. She should have changed before sleeping, but she had been distracted. She sighed and rummaged through the clothing left behind by the ship’s previous occupants, wrapping her belt around the black robes to stop them from being so long she was unable to walk. She wandered through to the cockpit where Ben sat and plonked herself down in the seat, opening the ration pack. She noted the bandage on his hand and glared. ‘An accident?’ She already knew the answer. He grimaced and shook his head.

 

‘A mistake. I-’ He trailed off. Rey didn’t know much about Jedi history; Yoda’s name would perhaps be one she had heard, but even that was unlikely. ‘I had something of a revelation.’ He told her and she snorted.

 

‘Another one?’ Ben inclined his head slightly, and she continued. ‘You do seem more stable than yesterday.’

 

He pressed his lips together briefly. ‘Yeah, about last night, I-’ Rey waved a hand.

 

‘I’m not going to pretend to know what’s going on in your head at the moment, but I’m bored of apologies. Especially about things that are outside of your control.’   

 

He laughed, surprising her. ‘I was going to say thank you.’ He watched her, waiting anxiously for a response. Last night had been… difficult, that was certain. He had woken with a pit in his stomach that wouldn’t go away and a sense of devastating grief that he couldn’t attribute to any specific tragedy in his life. Rey had been patient and gentle and calm and everything he needed. He didn’t have the words to tell her how much her presence meant to him, so he hoped his thanks would be enough. He needed to stop turning everything inwards and try to express it, that would be a step towards becoming who he needed to be. It was a step towards being good enough for her.

 

Rey stood walked over to him. He looked up at her and she kissed him. When they parted, she plonked herself on his knees, careful to rest most of her weight on his uninjured leg. She kissed him again before yawing and resting her head on his shoulder. He brought an arm around her, securing her on his lap as he leant forward to check the ship’s trajectory. ‘I do like you, quite a lot.’ She murmured into his shoulder and he hummed his agreement.

 

‘I’ve noticed. I'm still struggling with your reasoning, but I'll accept it. I’m fairly sure I love you.’ He told her casually and she smiled. Good. She loved him too, but he knew that, she didn't need to tell him. He leant back again in the chair, and she spent a moment or two marvelling at how unaffected he seemed to be by her weight on him. ‘We should be back in the Outer Rim within a few hours. We could jump, but I don’t want to waste the fuel right now.’

 

Rey nodded. ‘That makes sense.’ She yawned again. ‘Sorry. I am still really tired.’ She screwed her eyes closed and opened them again. Ben reached over and grabbed the remains of her ration pack.

 

‘Eat.’ He told her. ‘I don’t know that you need to apologise to me, given that you’re only tired because I kept you up.’

 

Rey finished her rations in silence as Ben continued to one-handedly adjust various controls. When she was done, she turned in his lap, leaning back against him so she could see what he was doing. He moved his arm from around her as she adjusted her position, replacing it around her waist when she was done. He pressed his lips into the back of her shoulder, and  continued his work. Rey reached out and took the small comm unit that rested in front of them. ‘Do you think this will work once we’re there?’

 

Ben frowned. ‘I don’t know. Perhaps. For the most part my mother’s surviving allies still live on core worlds, but we’d come across First Order ships before we found them.’ He leant back in the seat, pulling her with him. She turned her head to look at him.

 

‘We could try again. With the Force.’ She said tentatively, watching him carefully. He shrugged.

 

‘We can try.’ He agreed. ‘We’re closer, it could work.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hus is the worst, am I right? I put some Leia in because it's mothers' day here in the UK. (Also for plot reasons) I wanted to have some happy time at the end which is why we get some fairly pointless narrative about what's going on on the shuttle. Maybe it's dramatic irony. Maybe I just want these kids to be happy for 30 seconds. Who knows. 
> 
> Happy Mothers' Day guys!


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm too tired to work out how to not give everything away. Here is a chapter.

Rey had always thought of herself as a light sleeper; she would wake at any suspect sound, and be ready to defend herself at a moments notice. Sleeping beside Ben made it clear to her that she was far from the lightest sleeper in the galaxy, though her tendency to wake at unusual sounds or movement was not helping her mental state. She glanced across at the man who lay, eyes wide, fists bunched in the blankets they shared, breathing slowly and deliberately and gently stroked his temple with the back of her hand, pushing the hair stuck to his face out away from his eyes. She’d found that this contact was something he found comforting. Taking his hand could have one or two results; he’d either grip it so tightly she felt her fingers would break, or he’d take it as an attempt to subdue him and try to stop her, often with the Force which was not something she relished in the middle of the night. She yawned, continuing to watch him as she stroked his forehead. Eventually his grip on the blankets loosened, and he brought his hand up to take hers. ‘ ’m sorry.’ He muttered, voice cracking with its first use since he woke. She nodded, trying to keep her eyelids from falling shut now that the danger had passed. 

 

‘You ok?’ She asked, her own voice similarly hoarse. He squeezed her hand slightly and hummed something that could have been either agreement or dissent. He yawned and stretched, rolling one of his shoulders to loosen the tension in his shoulders. Not for the first time, Rey was grateful that he slept closer to the door of the pod, as he swung his legs over the edge, letting go of her hand as he did so. ‘Don’t get up. You need sleep,’ she groaned at him, but he was already standing, pulling his tunic on and looking around for the trousers that had been hastily removed the previous night. ‘In the cockpit,’ Rey slurred, falling back to sleep. He nodded, colouring slightly but smiling as he recalled how they had ended up abandoned there. 

 

Now fully dressed, he headed towards the cargo hold, picking up his saber as he went. He needed to feel its weight in his hand, and its heat in the air before him. His dreams had been less literal than usual, which was not a bad thing. The saber’s glow didn’t make him ill this morning which it had done the previous night when he had dreamt once again of his father. Today his dreams had not been rooted in memory, more a vague sensation of being held against his will, though by who he was unsure. Hux’s visage came to mind and he swung the saber, turning into the blade’s momentum to extend its reach, slashing and spinning through the small room. He stopped himself short of the wall. No budget here to repair his damage; he needed to be more controlled. He shouldn’t be this affected by Armitage Hux. The man was no threat to him, even with the power of the First Order behind him; Ben could stop their fire and sow confusion in their ranks with minimal effort; but he was anxious about the Order finding the rest of the resistance. He was anxious about them finding his mother.

He continued to move through stances and forms, using the movement to focus himself and ground him. The more time he and Rey spent together, the easier he was finding it to soothe himself in difficult moments. Of course he worried about that too; he knew that he was becoming too dependant on her, and there was a time limit on their relationship - they both knew that. Rey had cited as much when she had propositioned him last night, not that he had needed a great deal of persuasion. He had been too honest with her afterwards, as usual. 

 

‘I don’t want this to end.’ 

 

‘This specifically? I’m happy to carry on.’ She had smirked up at him as she lay nestled against his chest.

 

He’d narrowed his eyes , shaking his head a little. ‘Us.’ 

 

She’d seemed annoyed this morning. He shouldn’t have brought it up, of course he’d rather pretend they didn’t have an end in sight. It wasn’t something they could change. He couldn’t let people look at her the way they looked at him. He shouldn’t have said anything. He had probably ruined things again, like he always did. Why couldn’t he just leave people alone? He should have stopped Rey from coming with him. 

 

_ Stop.  _

 

He rebuked himself internally. If she found anything irritating it was his tendency to slip into self-loathing at a moments notice - that she had told him outright on a number of occasions. He was trying. Of course he had always been trying, trying to be good, trying to be bad, trying to be loved, trying to be feared. Now he was just trying to be ok, which was harder than it had any right to be. He extinguished the blade and placed the hilt back on the crate by the door. There was a sort of unspoken agreement between them that it would stay there unless it was needed. Rey had taken to training with Ga’ar’s strange light-spear which to his mind was impractical; too much hilt, too little blade; but it leaned itself to Rey’s style which had its basis in her years of experience with the quarterstaff. Nonetheless, his lightsaber was there should she want to use it. The sleeping pod opened again as he walked back into the living area, in search of breakfast. Rey smiled blearily at him and held out her hand. He stood before her, offering his hands and accepting his fate as she used him to pull herself up. ‘How did you ever survive on Jakku?’ He needled as she released him . ‘You sleep so much.’ 

 

Rey padded after him as he moved past the sleeping pods to the kitchen area tucked behind. ‘For one thing, if you don’t have enough food it makes sense to sleep more. And secondly I sleep a normal amount and I can assure you I wake up when there are any unexpected sounds or movements. You just can’t sleep, which I know, because I wake up when there are unexpected sounds and movements.’

 

He bit his lip. ‘So-’

 

‘Don’t.’ She said darkly, though a glimmer of a smile tugged at her lip. ‘Let’s give it an hour or two before the apologies start. And anyway how would you make yourself sleep better? It’s not a decision you’re making.’  

 

Ben shrugged. ‘Sleep is a distraction, and a weakness. Train yourself not to need it.’ He spoke in a monotone and the words were clearly not his own. He rolled his eyes. She assumed that this particular piece of wisdom came from Snoke and not from Luke, who had had no real objection to her sleeping beyond the objection to her presence on his island. 

 

‘At all? Wouldn’t you die?’ 

 

‘I never managed to get down to less than three hours as a routine.’ He grimaced. ‘I wouldn’t advise that. If you can sleep you should sleep.’ On reflection he assumed it was another way in which Snoke was trying to break him. He had taken sedatives after Crait to force himself to sleep when it became absolutely necessary. This was better than that. He could manage nightmares when they were only in his head.

 

Rey watched his expression and sighed. ‘Enough of this. Are we going to try and -’ 

 

An alarm blared in the cockpit. Both Force-users moved quickly, Ben waiting for Rey to decide which seat she would sit in before sitting beside her, scanning the screens. Rey looked at him expectantly as he did so, aware that while she had the high ground morally, when it came to space-combat, he was far more experienced. He scowled and looked over, seemingly just remembering her presence. ‘Bounty hunters. We don’t have the firepower to deal with them, we should jump, but I don’t know where to. We don’t have the supplies to move backwards.’ 

 

Rey nodded, pressing her lips together. ‘Do we have another option?’

 

Ben half-rose from his seat, leaning on one fist to stare intently at the control panels before him, hoping some idea would manifest if he stared hard enough. He dropped down moments later. ‘No. We have to jump. Do you want to risk going forward?’ He looked to her to make the measured decision, but before she could speak, he opened his mouth once more. ‘Unless… I don’t think Hux would have told anyone who’s onboard. He probably just gave the ship’s description.’

 

Rey watched as he thought, waiting to see if he would speak again. When he didn’t she cleared her throat and spoke quickly. ‘You think they’d board us rather than just taking the ship down.’

 

‘Bounty hunters.’ Ben sneered. ‘No sense destroying the ship if they could sell that too.’ 

 

Rey nodded, but concern quickly coloured her features. ‘They’ll probably still fire on us right? We don’t want to risk more damage.’ Ben bit his lip, and Rey spoke up again. ‘I could make us look crippled already. Fly badly so they think we’re already flagging?’

 

Ben nodded. ‘That sounds-’ He stopped as they watched lasers shoot past, first on the screens then through the parasteel before them. Ben’s lip twitched upwards briefly. ‘Warning fire. They want to board us.’

 

‘So… am I still pretending we’re more damaged than we are? Do we hail them?’ 

 

The man beside her scowled. He had no idea. He needed them to be onboard before he could achieve anything. ‘I don’t know. Fire back maybe? Or turn towards them?’ He breathed out heavily, exasperated. ‘I’m used to having more maneuverability. And firepower. All we have is a decent shield system which doesn’t help us with getting them onboard.’

 

‘Right, so maybe stop telling me what we don’t have and let’s do something!’ Rey turned, fire in her eyes. ‘We’re in a pretty urgent situation here Ben!’ 

 

He visibly jumped as she raised her voice. ‘Ok, um,’ Rey shook her head and turned back to the controls, muttering about having to do everything herself. She pushed a button and hailed the ships.

 

‘Don’t fire on us! We can trade, we’re already damaged. We just want to walk away from this.’ She shrugged at Ben.

 

‘That works.’ he told her once comms were off. They waited a moment before the ship went dark. 

 

‘I told them they could board us, why are they still using ion cannons?’ Rey grumbled, making her way out of the cockpit and towards a maintenance hatch. She turned back to Ben, ‘Am I safe to open this?’ 

 

He shook his head. ‘Shields are down from the ion blast, the atmosphere would be compromised.’  

 

Rey sighed and ran a hand over her pulled back hair, smoothing it down. ‘So how do they get on board?’

 

Ben smirked. ‘It’ll only be temporary. They get onto the outside of the ship while our shields are off, then find a way in, or wait for us to open something.’ He moved past her into the cargo hold and grabbed the weapons they’d left there, throwing the spear to Rey and tucking his saber into his belt.

 

At last the lights flickered on. Ben moved from view and Rey opened the hatch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we have bounty hunters and potential fighting, but more importantly I avoided writing sex by having it happen between chapters. I honestly tried, there was sketching to make sure no one ended up with nine hands by mistake and everything but it was not good. I hope you had lovely weeks and have a lovely week ahead of you. Mine is crazy stressful but I will persevere. Plus I get the 5 hours with children which is nice. The rest of it I could do without!  
> But I've recently discovered that Domhnall Gleeson is a national treasure and have been watching interviews which i highly recommend doing if you haven't already which is some light in my dark times (I'm fine. I'm being dramatic.)
> 
> Comment or leave kudos to make my week less painful?


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Silmar who is having a bad day.

Silmar Hedun needed a break. They had been chasing down debtors and felons since they could remember; the ship they flew was their mother’s and they were proud to say it had sustained very little damage while it had been in their care. This was their home. It was more than a ship; it was where they had been born, where they had lived their life and learned their trade. The only damage they had been unable to avoid had been in the hold where they left prisoners when it was necessary to keep them alive. The instruction they had been given this time had no such clause. Destroy a ship matching this description, bring evidence and bodies if you can find them. That part left a bad taste in their mouth, collecting bodies or at least their parts as they floated through space was not their idea of a nice clean job. They preferred to take people alive and let whoever had set the bounty deal with them; it kept their hands clean. Still, whoever their employer was, they were paying Silmar a lot. They could settle their mother’s debts once and for all and start to make their own way rather than simply chasing their mother’s tail. They watched the scanners dispassionately. The ship was ahead of them and looked to be in bad shape already, limping more than flying. They fired a warning shot over their hull, waiting to see how whoever was worth so many credits would respond. If the pilots had any sense they’d let them onboard and then they could despatch the unfortunate souls without the mess that blowing up the ship would cause.

 

There. A light flashed on the controls; they were hailing her. Silmar answered and heard a voice, clearly tired and strained. 

 

‘Don’t fire on us! We can trade, we’re already damaged. We just want to walk away from this.’ 

 

The voice cut out and Silmar pushed the button to speak. ‘Understood.’ They turned in her chair and began pulling together the various parts of the suit that would allow them to travel temporarily through open space in order to reach the ship. They needed to keep them still and get through their shields so they quickly moved back to the controls, striding across the cabin to lock the ion cannon onto the shuttle, setting a timer for it to take out their shields for exactly 3 minutes before tugging on their impeccably clean khaki boots and checking all the seals were intact on the matching spacesuit. They were, so Silmar tugged open the small port that allowed them to leave their ship and slipped out, activating the pack on their back to move quickly towards the other ship. 1 minute to spare. They could just force the hatch, and let the occupants suffocate, but then there was a strong chance whoever was in there would be sucked out into space and then they’d be back to dragging bodies through open space which was not the goal. They could wait. They listened carefully to the movement inside - just two bodies. That made life easier. They had to admit they were curious to see who was worth this level of secrecy and expense. They wanted to believe that they were doing something good for the galaxy, taking down lowlifes and cheats. If was what their mother had told them when they’d been learning to help out and begin to take on their own jobs. They heard heavy footsteps inside and saw the shields flicker on. The muffled voices died out, and Silmar drew their blasters from the holsters on the suit. The hatch they sat over cracked open, and Silmar tugged it all the way. Huh. It must be controlled remotely, unusual for a shuttle, but the girl they saw standing within couldn’t have moved quickly enough to be standing where she was now after opening the hatch. There was no sign of the second occupant. They kept one blaster trained on the girl, as they moved carefully, keeping the remaining blaster in front of them as they scanned the ship. Their helmet showed a heat signal in the cabin, so they swung the blaster to point at the doorway before removing their helmet. The girl smiled, seemingly unaware of the danger she was in, and held out a hand, but Silmar noted that the other was still free and ready to reach for the weapon they had spotted leaning against the wall. ‘Thank you for agreeing to speak with me. I’m sure we can come to some arrangement that benefits us both. Who sent you?’ 

 

Silmar scoffed. ‘I’m asking the questions here. I will not continue this until I see the other person onboard; it’s better i know where you both are.’ The girl opened her mouth but paused, and Silmar saw conflict in her eyes. It was the other passenger then, who was the one worth all this trouble. They saw the girl mutter something under her breath and wait before moving her lips again. Ok… This was unusual behaviour, certainly, but they wouldn’t let it distract them. ‘Enough waiting.’ They moved their fingers to charge the blaster, but fumbled and dropped it. That was not expected. Moving to train the other blaster on the girl and cursing under their breath, they bent and picked up the one they had dropped, before righting themselves and pretending that it had not happened. For some reason the girl scowled, glancing back at the cockpit. She was still remarkably unconcerned by the blasters Silmar had aimed at her and whoever her companion was. They found the button this time and charged the blaster.  

 

The girl held up her hands. ‘Ok, ok. Ben!’ she called back, and Silmar felt their stomach turn. What if… No. It was too big a coincidence, there were a lot of people with that name. But then they had been offered a lot of money to take out the ship. The ship specifically, and not to come into contact with its occupants. They didn’t have to wait long to have their fears confirmed. The man who left the cockpit, stooping slightly to fit through the door, matched the image that had been shared across the galaxy. She moved the blaster quickly towards him and fired, but the bolt stopped in the air before him and he strode past it, standing behind the girl. She faced Silmar, a grim expression on her face. ‘I was hoping we could resolve this without involving my friend here.’ She told them as they backed away, slowly, blasters both trained on the figure of Kylo Ren. He stood silently, apparently disinterested, but they saw his hand resting on the lightsaber at his waist. ‘It- I-’ They stammered, and the girl moved towards them, gesturing for Ren to stay where he stood. Silmar backed away quicker; if he listened to the girl then that made her the threat. They watched both carefully, not letting themselves focus on either. Both were dangerous. Ren she’d heard of; the First Order’s enforcer gone rogue. A dark force-user driven insane by his power and now a desperate man, he was a figure that haunted nightmares and ghost stories, and yet here he was in front of them in a confined space, listening to a girl they had never heard of. They tried to press the button again to charge the blaster, but felt it being tugged out of their hand, watching helplessly as it flew into Ren’s waiting hand. The girl had left her weapon behind, clearly trusting the hulking figure behind her to protect her. If they could somehow grab her, they could use her as a bargaining chip. She either commanded him, or held influence. Either way Silmar had seen how his eyes tracked the girl rather than them, the assailant. She was valuable to him. They saw their chance as the girl reached out a hand, offering the discussion they had already refused. They just wanted to get off this ship, the bounty wasn’t worth their life. They extended an arm and took the proffered hand, tugging to bring the girl in closer and swiftly putting their arm around her neck, fumbling in their pocket for the knife they kept for close combat. They held it to the girl’s throat. 

 

‘Don’t.’ She spoke through gritted teeth, but what choice did Silmar have? They had to get out of this, and they weren’t going to risk a fight with Kylo Ren.

 

‘Sorry,’ they muttered into her ear. ‘Just how things go I’m afraid.’

 

‘Ben. Don’t.’ The girl spoke again and Silmar looked up, noticing that for the first time since he had planted his feet, Ren had moved, stance broader, fingers now gripping rather than resting on the hilt of his blade. That was enough of a threat, but it was his other hand that concerned them. He wouldn’t risk an attack with the blade while Silmar had their own pressed against the girl’s throat, but they had no idea what else he could do. He had wrenched their blaster away from them with a slight finger movement. They had heard stories… They were out of their depth. The girl spoke up once more. ‘Ok. What’s your name?’ She spoke as though she was in no danger, and Silmar supposed that if Ren wanted to protect her, she may not be. 

 

They cleared their throat. ‘Silmar. I don’t want to-’ 

 

‘I’m Rey. This is Ben, but you seem to have heard of him. How?’ She still spoke through gritted teeth, trying not to move enough to allow the knife to nick her. Silmar kept their eyes on Kylo Ren- Ben- whoever he was- but they gave Rey some more space, lowering the blade a little. ‘Thank you.’ The girl’s voice was more relaxed now.

 

‘There was a message, sent to all law enforcement, bounty hunters, senators, anyone with influence. The First Order wants him dead.’ Silmar adjusted their grip on the knife handle, gripping it hard enough that it couldn’t slip away. Ren lowered his gaze to meet hers and spoke tersely.

 

‘That I was aware of. What details were given.’

 

Silmar swallowed before answering. Step carefully. Be honest and you’ll be fine. The girl, Rey, didn’t seem to want anyone harmed, at least not yet. ‘They said you’d taken over by force and made them follow a path they hadn’t planned on. They want to make peace now.’ They paused as his expression soured further.

 

‘Carry on.’ Rey told them and they nodded, swallowing. 

 

‘They’re not attacking anyone, as far as I can tell. Just making alliances in the core worlds.’ Ren’s grip on his lightsaber grew tighter and Silmar was sure she spotted something pass between the man and the girl they still held; an expression, a warning, something unspoken. 

 

‘What did they tell you about Ben?’ Rey asked, still speaking gently, though she had obviously been affected by the information Silmar gave them. 

 

‘They showed his face - a sketch, but I recognised him from that. And his other name, Ben Solo, and-’ They stopped speaking again as the figure on the other side of the room began to pace. Rey moved a shoulder and Silmar tightened their grip. 

 

‘I need you to let me go if we want everyone to stay safe.’ Rey said calmly, but there was an edge to her tone and Silmar saw her gaze was fixed on Kylo. Probably best to listen. The girl’s control over Ren seemed to be slipping, which spelled danger for the bounty hunter. They released their grip and the girl moved quickly towards the pacing figure before them. ‘Breath.’ She spoke quietly, standing before him and placing her hands on his shoulders to stop him. ‘We’ll find a solution to this, don’t do anything stupid.’ He huffed out a breath and Silmar saw him swallow, breathing in again slowly. He turned back to face her and Rey moved subtley to place herself in the middle of the two of them, standing a little in front of Kylo Ren. 

 

‘Did they mention my family?’ He asked, gazing at them intently. Now they could see the desperation the First order film had spoken of. They would have to answer carefully.

 

‘They said you were working with the Resistance; trying to gain power there.’ Silmar spoke, hoping that this would answer his question without provoking him further.

 

‘Did they mention my mother?’ He pressed, fist clenched at his side. 

 

Silmar looked at Rey who glanced back at Ren. ‘Answer him. He’s not going to hurt you.’

 

‘They said Senator Organa-Solo had accepted you back because you’re her son.’ They didn’t finish the explanation, the implication was there. He was just using them to get what he wanted. SIlmar hoped that wasn’t the case. He seemed to be listening to something other than his own whims right now, so perhaps the film had been exaggerated, or untrue. If it was they had a chance of getting out of this. ‘That’s all I know.’ They said clearing their throat, knife still gripped in their hand. ‘What next?’ 

 

Rey looked between Ben and bounty hunter. ‘I don’t know. Ben, do you…’ She stopped when she saw his expression; he was devastated, balling his fists at his sides. ‘We’ll find a way through this. We need to work out what happens now, with Silmar.’ She told him, and Silmar froze. That didn’t sound promising. Ren walked towards them and they backed up, but he passed, ignoring them and pulling a bottle of water from the kitchen unit and opening it. They noticed his shaking hands and moved away, stepping sideways. Once he had taken a sip of the water he took another steadying breath and looked back at them. ‘The ship? They gave you the details?’ 

 

‘I don’t know who it was. I was supposed to just destroy it and collect the bodies.’ Silmar said, maintaining the distance between them as he crossed the floor again to stand beside Rey. 

 

‘That would probably have been wiser.’ Ben stated, and Silmar was surprised by the levity of the comment, despite his still pale face and dark tone.

 

‘I figured if you wanted to trade I could double my payday when I did take you out.’ Silmar admitted. ‘It was stupid.’

 

‘It was.’ The man confirmed and Silmar found their fears easing slightly as time went on and they had not been stabbed or choked, or otherwise maimed. He turned to Rey, speaking quietly. ‘We need a new ship. Hux won’t have only hired one bounty hunter, there’ll be more. SIlmar cleared their thoat. 

 

‘Not my ship.’ They said firmly, without thinking. Rey and Kylo Ren turned to face them again and they swallowed. ‘Sorry. It’s my home. I’ll die before you take it.’ They would not lose that ship. Without it they had nothing.  

 

‘It’s a ship. It doesn’t mean anything.’ Ren said sourly, and Rey shot him a look. 

 

‘How long have you lived on it?’ She asked.

 

‘I was born on it.’ Silmar told her and she nodded. 

 

‘Look, we can’t stay on this ship. We could trade if you wanted or…’ Rey trailed off. She knew the best solution, but she wanted Silmar to extend the invitation. She could convince Ben later.

 

Silmar grimaced, rubbing the back of their neck with the hand not holding the knife. ‘I could give you a ride.’ They said eventually. This had not been how they pictured their day going. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied guys, I wrote more. Mostly because i was talking to my friend for hours last night and got all my cutting out/laminating done then so today I am free. I will be busy next week though, so if I don't get another chapter done this weekend you'll be waiting a week maybe two for more. 
> 
> Anyways. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, I hope you enjoyed reading it! Also I decided to change Silmar's pronouns halfway through so apologies if I've not caught any 'she/her's in the middle. Hopefully it's all they/their.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey are now on Silmar's ship and it is much nicer than the shuttle they stole.

Ben stalked the corridors of Hesperian’s Gate, waiting for Rey to finish explaining their situation to Silmar. The ship was well equipped, and larger than he’d anticipated. It was designed for a crew of six or seven, rather than the one that now flew it. There was a story there. He walked past a window, glancing in to see the room behind, but saw only his own reflection. He’d lost weight somehow; he looked gaunt and tired, and his hair was longer than he’d prefer. The scar running from his forehead down below the neckline of his tunic was more prominent when he was this pale and haggard, but it was no longer a source of shame. It was Rey’s mark on his body, a physical sign of their past and a reminder that while she was around he was safe; everyone was safe. He knew she’d kill him if it came to it. That was both a source of pain and relief to him.  _ She’s only doing this to change you, and save the galaxy. When you return to the resistance it will be over. She’s done her job and you were weak enough to fall for it.  _ ‘Good.’ He muttered out loud, shaking his head to rid himself of the whispers. He was being stupid again.  _ Not stupid, cautious. You’ll need to exercise that with every step now.   _ The voice tried a new tack this time.  _ They know your face, all of them. What life can you hope for?  _  He looked away from his reflection. He didn’t deserve an easy life. this was fine, it was how it should be. He’d help Rey and his mother and then he’d live up to his name and disappear somewhere. Live in a desert and avoid human contact. He continued to wander through the ship, the plan giving him a strange sense of freedom for a moment. He hoped Rey would visit on occasion. It didn’t need to be often, but enough that he had a reason to continue. He could take the texts, and get tools for sketching; he could easily occupy himself with those while he waited. He rounded a corner and he was back at the cockpit. Rey was standing behind Silmar, looking down at the various screens and scanners. ‘So basically, we don’t know where we’re going yet. Ben thinks the resistance are on a Core World somewhere.’ He stopped in his tracks. 

 

‘Rey, could we speak in private?’ He said from the doorway. Silmar jumped and Ben’s lip quirked. Rey turned around briefly and shook her head. Silmar span in their chair to face the pair and Rey continued.

 

‘Oh and Ben can read your mind and if you even think about betraying us we’ll take control of your ship by force.’ She said in a monotone. ‘Was that what you were after?’ She looked at Ben who glared at her.

 

‘I was actually planning on being more diplomatic if you can believe that.’ he said mildly. ‘But that works.’ He shot Silmar a look and they swallowed before turning back to the console. 

 

‘I get it. Betrayal, mind reading, death. Such a pleasure to have you two onboard.’ They punched some numbers into the computer and waited. ‘We’ll jump to the Core and I can go onto a planet and see if I can get you any information.’ 

 

Rey smiled and offered her thanks before walking across the room towards Ben. She took his hand and lead him out into the corridor and around the corner. ‘Are you ok?’ She asked, still concerned that there hadn’t really been an explosion in response to Hux’s publication of his true identity. It was like living with a dormant volcano, and she wanted to get the lava out of the way so that she could clean up the landscape beneath. He smiled and she leant back, examining him. ‘Why are you smiling?’

 

‘I’m… I’m fine. I have a plan.’ He said mysteriously. ‘I’ve walked through the whole ship. There are showers.’ he told her. She furrowed her brow. This was perhaps the best mood she had seen him in and she didn’t understand.

 

‘What are you trying to say?’ Ben immediately flushed and started apologising.

 

‘No, I didn’t mean… I just thought you might-’ He stopped talking and glowered at her when she laughed at him. 

 

‘Show me?’ She asked and he nodded, leading her around the curving corridors, past the reactor core and round to the bathrooms he had found. A line of refresher cubicles sat opposite a line of showers and Rey grinned. ‘Ok.’ She began taking off the dark robes she was currently wearing, and handing them to him, quickly stripping down to her undergarments. Ben flushed again and turned away, but Rey grabbed his arm and turned him back around. ‘I thought we were taking a shower? I hope you’re not planning on spending all of it staring at the ground.’ She began tugging at his belt, loosening it so that she could undress him. He pressed his lips together and stepped back. 

 

‘Rey, we- We don’t have a lot of time. I don’t know how sensible this-’ Rey rolled her eyes.

 

‘We don’t have much time, we should enjoy it right? We’ll be sensible when we get back.’ She paused, looking at him. ‘Is this not- if you don’t want to do this again that’s fine.’

 

Ben shook his head. ‘I want to do this again. You know I don’t want us to-’ Rey pulled her lips to the side and nodded. 

 

‘Yeah me neither. We could talk to your mother. You- you’ve changed more since we left. Your hair’s longer. You’ve had what, three good moods? She might change her mind.’  Ben chuckled and shook his head.

 

‘This isn’t just about my mother, Rey. In fact if we could stop talking about my mother before we have sex that’d be appreciated.’ Rey laughed at him again.

 

‘Fine. We’ll make that a rule.’ She agreed, before returning to undressing him.

 

***

 

Poe stood from the table and began to pace the room. ‘They know where we are.’ He stated. ‘Their ‘diplomatic endeavours’ they’re moving closer and closer to where we are. We can’t go anywhere. The moment they have confirmation Jem has been helping us, they raid the compound, whether we’re still here or not. They’d have an excuse, that’s all they need.’ He powered up the holomap and pointed to each planet in turn. The First Order had been making alliances with a number of planets, extending their control of the galaxy faster than ever before, and they were getting closer. The planets that had aligned themselves with the Order were a rough line, allowing for orbits, and they were growing closer and closer to Tizon. 

 

Leia frowned. ‘Perhaps. They could just be angling for control of the core worlds. But if Jem refuses to enter into talks with them, what then? They won’t stick with diplomacy for long, and they have Force-users. Without Rey and Ben that puts us at a significant disadvantage.’ 

Poe nodded thoughtfully. ‘There’s no room on that. We can’t convince him Ben’s changed?’

 

Leia looked at him shrewdly. ‘Are you convinced?’ 

 

The man grimaced. ‘I’d like to be. I’m convinced he’ll behave as long as Rey’s there.’

 

Leia nodded, and Poe saw the tiredness in her eyes again; it was this expression that kept him determined. They had to win, for her. She deserved a lasting victory. She sighed before speaking. ‘I tend to agree. So we wait?’ She asked, once more passing the decision on to him. Poe paused. She had been doing this more and more often, and he needed to know what his position was; he wasn’t the only commander, but he was the only one with this level of responsibility. He needed to know if she intended to hand over the command. He tried to keep his expression blank as he asked,

 

‘Would you like me to get the other commanders so that we can discuss the issue?’ Leia watched him shrewdly. 

 

‘No. I’d like you to make this decision. I think you know that I’m grooming you for leadership, Poe; and that role will come sooner rather than later. You are ready, and I’m ready for a more… advisory role.’ Poe’s chest swelled a little and he grasped Leia’s hand.  

 

‘Thank you. I appreciate the trust you’re putting in me, really. I do need time to think about this though.’ Leia smiled at him, nodding. 

 

‘Of course. I’ll expect a decision in the morning then.’ She rose, glancing at the beacon on her wrist as she did often. Nothing. She felt the hope that had fluttered briefly in her stomach settle once again,. not gone, but distant. Like Rey. Like Ben. She left the room and walked across the courtyard, enjoying the greenery around her. Eri sat reading on a bench beneath a tree, but she looked up as Leia passed and gestured for the other woman to join her. 

 

‘Everything ok?’ Eri had been meaning to speak with Leia since that video had been disseminated. They had gathered to watch it, on Leia’s instruction, but she had removed herself from the room before the film began and had been keeping herself busy ever since. 

 

Leia closed her eyes briefly, raising her face to the sky to feel the warmth of the sun through the leaves. ‘I’m tired.’ She turned to Eri, a strange expression on her face. ‘Sometimes I think life was easier before Ben came back to me. Worse, certainly, but easier. I’m so worried all the time. Are they safe? Does he know…’ she paused and smiled at Eri. ‘Please don’t worry about me. I spend enough time worrying for all of us.’

 

Eri frowned. ‘I can’t turn it off. Not that I have the same worries as you, I think they’ll be fine. I just don’t want anyone to come back pregnant.’ Leia shot her a sideways look. 

 

‘That’s a new one to add to my list.’ She said wryly. ‘But I spoke to Ben about his feelings for Rey. He understands why they need to stay friends.’

 

Eri put her head on one side. ‘I’d be more concerned about Rey in that regard. She’s proven herself more than capable at changing his mind, and if she’s determined…’

 

Leia rubbed her hands together as a breeze blew through the courtyard, cooling the air suddenly. ‘I don’t know. Maybe they’ll be fine. Maybe it’s not a big deal - not the… potential pregnancy issue, I don’t think that would be helpful for anyone - but their relationship. At this point I just want them back, safe.’ 

 

Eri smiled at her. ‘They’re the two most powerful people in the galaxy, I think they’ll be ok. Even if they are also just dumb kids.’ 

 

‘I just hope he hasn’t seen that film. I don’t know how he’ll react.’ Leia said darkly, rising to leave the courtyard and meet once again with Jem to discuss how many ships they needed, and how many he could spare.. She glanced at the beacon again, but there was still no sign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one before craziness descends. Alternately I'll just keep giving you last ones. Who knows.
> 
> I have been looking at way too much Reylo crack on tumblr so blame all the fluff on that. We're getting to some drama soon enough.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The comms unit starts working!

Ben and Rey were searching through the store of clothes Silmar kept. Rey had been fairly easy to find clothes for; she had exchanged the oversized dark tunic she had belted to keep on her body for a white undershirt, simple pale grey trousers and a jacket made of pale leather. She had replaced the belts over the shirt; the only thing that she had kept since leaving Jakku, and carried a darker grey cloak beneath her arm, something to keep her warm once they eventually left the ship. Ben was harder to look for. The few things they had found that would fit him so far had been overly elaborate, or brightly coloured and had been immediately refused. Rey had taken to pulling out anything dark coloured and pulling it down to examine. So far they had found dark trousers that would work if he turned them up at the ankles - Rey marvelled at how tall their original owner must have been, Ben had just been amused at her determination to make them fit him - but there was nothing else in this cupboard. They moved onto the next, pulling open the steel doors and perusing the remaining clothes. ‘So this plan of yours,’ Rey began, continuing their conversation from the day before. ‘Am I involved? We could dye your hair and cut your nose off.’ He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye.

 

‘You know for someone on the light side, you’ve definitely got some very violent ideas.’ He said mildly, examining a deep blue shirt. He replaced it when he noticed the elaborately stitched silver flowers that took up the entirety of the back of it. ‘I was just going to find some backwoods planet and disappear. You could visit.’

 

Rey tossed him a white undershirt, glaring as he frowned at it. ‘It’s an undershirt. You can wear black on top of it.’ She waited until he shrugged off his battle-worn tunic and pulled on the undershirt to continue. ‘Anyway, I’ve only actually maimed you once. You could handle a bit more. Then you could stay.’

 

He grimaced. ‘Still a no on the maiming front thanks. The scar is fine, but I’d prefer not to lose any body parts. I’ll stay until the war’s over anyway, that was always the plan.’ He grabbed a charcoal grey overcoat and pulled it on, buttoning over the white undershirt. It fell short of his knees, but the sleeves reached his wrists which meant that it would do. Now both dressed in clean clothes, they headed back to the cockpit. Silmar had brought them in towards the core worlds; they were waiting in what remained of the Hosnian system. They were planning on using the comms today to see if they could get in touch with the resistance again today. They should be close enough to get some kind of a reaction. Ben had felt Leia again, not enough to communicate or make his presence know; he knew she wouldn’t feel him, she was untrained and not as sensitive as him anyway, but he knew she was closer than they had been. He’d woken with a sense of her in the middle of the night, and her direction. They’d been drifting that way for a while, but moving slowly. People knew his face now; he couldn’t risk just appearing out of nowhere. Silmart turned as the pair reached the cockpit, smiling at Rey and nodding to Ben. ‘The comm unit should be working, I tried it with one of mine and it worked so hopefully we’ll get you two to where you need to be.’ They held out the unit and Rey took it, tuning into the frequency she hoped the Resistance were still using. ‘This is Rey, do you read me?’ She spoke quietly, hoping someone would pick up.

 

Beside her, Rose heard the comms unit crackle on, but she couldn’t hear the person on the other end. ‘Hang on, I need to retune. Line 4. Over.’ Rey glanced at Ben as they heard Rose’s voice and saw relief flood his features. She grabbed his hand and Silmar settled an argument they had been having in their head. They were a couple then. Well, to each their own; they had had their fair share of questionable relationships in the past. Rey seemed happy enough and they hadn’t known either of their passengers long enough to cast aspersions, though they certainly held opinions on the newly renamed Ben Solo. Rey fiddled with the comms unit again and repeated herself. This time the voice on the other end recognised her and the three people in the cockpit heard Rose’s excitement.

 

‘Rey! How are you? Are you ok? Is Ben still with you? I need to hear all about your mission to annoy Hux, that sounds brilliant. Hang on, I should get Leia. Or Poe. One of them. Did you know Poe’s taking over the command? I think it’s a great idea, Leia’s still going to be here to give him advice, but some people are not so happy.’ Rey laughed on the other end of the line, interrupting.

 

‘Rose, slow down. I can’t remember half of the questions you’ve asked. We think we’re close. Ben’s here, so is a bounty hunter who’s giving us a lift.’  She held the unit up to Ben, pressing the button for him to talk. He gestured for her to take it away, but she didn’t so he spoke briefly. 

 

‘Rose.’ He stopped but Rey gestured for him to continue. He looked at her raising his eyebrows but she maintained his gaze and continued to hold the device up for him. ‘How are you?’ he tried, wondering what Rey was expecting from him. Rose sounded flustered on the other end. 

 

‘I’m… ok. This planet is beautiful, and Jem’s been so welcoming. We’ve got a lot done, and we’re getting more ships which is good.’

 

Rey pulled the unit back toward herself and responded. ‘So you’re safe, and someone’s helping us.’

 

‘Jem Marr.’ Ben clarified. ‘He was… is a Senator in the New Republic. I don’t know if his rank still applies. He’s rich though, and a good man.’ Rey nodded as Rose began to explain the same thing.

 

‘Thanks Rose. Ben knows who he is. Listen, is Leia around? We should probably talk with her.’ They heard movement on the other end as Rose went off to find Leia. A knock, then a muffled voice, then eventually, Leia. 

 

‘Ben? Rey? Are you ok?’  The relief in her tone was tangible and once again Rey was reminded of how lucky she was to have found a family who cared so deeply for her. She handed the comms unit to Ben again who rolled his eyes at her. 

 

‘Hi Mother. We’re fine. Rose says you have new ships, do you have pilots?’  Rey elbowed him in the ribs, shaking her head at his immediate recourse to discussion of tactics and machines rather than anything more personal, and grabbed the comms unit from him. 

 

‘Hi Leia, how are you?’ She said warmly into the small box, and Leia replied with equal warmth.

 

‘Much better for hearing from you. Both of you.’ She clarified quickly, not giving Ben a chance to sink into jealousy and self-loathing. For his part he just smirked a little at his mother’s awkward statement. ‘We’re doing well, Jem has offered us troops and ships so we are far better equipped than before in all regards. He’s been very kind.’ Ben gestured for Rey to press the button to speak again, so she did and he leaned over her to speak.

 

‘I remember him, I think. Small man?’ Leia laughed on the other end.

 

‘I think most people fit that category from your perspective, but yes he’s not exactly tall. You would have met him a few times.’ Ben glowered at the device, but Leia of course could not see his expression.

 

‘I would have been between six or seven, he was taller than me when I met him. I do have some understanding of perspective, Mother. But yes I remember him.’ Leia nodded sadly before speaking more tentatively. 

 

‘He has children here. He’s a little concerned about their wellbeing should you-’

 

Ben pulled the comms unit from Rey’s hand and straightened. ‘I hope you told him that I’m not going to harm-’ He was interrupted as the unit crackled and Leia’s voice came through again.

 

‘No, Ben… Do you know about-’

 

‘The film? Yes, Silmar recognised me when they boarded us.’ 

 

‘Silmar... ’ she trailed off, waiting for an explanation.

 

‘A bounty hunter. We’re on their ship now. We came to an arrangement where they take us where we need to go and I don’t crush their throat.’  he drawled, the comment more aimed at Silmar than at his mother. The former rolled their eyes, while the latter let out a long-suffering sigh.

 

‘Of course. Anyway, he’s concerned that your presence puts a target on his compound. More than  ours already does.’ She bluffed a little, hoping to spare Ben’s feelings. 

 

‘What?’ he asked, unconvinced. ‘I don’t see how Hux would know I was there. Onan was the only one of the knights who’d be able to do that and he’s dead. Tell him it won’t be a problem.’

 

‘Ben.’ Leia said again, and there was a warning in her tone. ‘Just stay clear until I give the word ok.’ Ben handed the unit to Rey and stalked off. He’d expected Leia to at least want to see him enough to argue the point, but she was once again more interested in her political goals than in him. He halfheartedly kicked the edge of the ladder well on his way out of the room and went in search of a quiet space to meditate. 

 

‘Hi Leia,’ Rey said apologetically. ‘Ben’s…’

 

‘Stormed out?’ Leia hazarded. Rey put her head on one side. 

 

‘More of a drizzle than a storm, but he’s gone. He is getting better, Leia. It was hard for a while, but…’ She glanced at Silmar and lowered her voice, turning away. ‘I don’t know what, but something happened while he was meditating a few days ago. He’s been… almost happy.’

 

Leia beamed on the other end of the communication device, but her face fell quickly. ‘Well I hope I haven’t ruined anything, but Jem was very clear. he won’t have him here. I don’t feel I can argue the point, he’s been so generous.’ Rey nodded.

 

‘I understand.’ She did, though the Leia she knew would fight tooth and nail if she thought something was worth it. She worried that Ben knew that too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just finished parents evening and needed to decompress after three hours of listening to nonsense complaints about other children so here's a chapter. Also I looked at the photos from world book day and they are so funny. All the kids are so happy and excited in their costumes and then there's just teen tiny Kylo in the mask at the back looking menacing but also so very small. Idk that photo makes me very happy. Also sorry guys no more fun, things are going to start happening again.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben needs help with a lot of things.

Rey waited a while before going after Ben, leaving him a good hour to work out his feelings, much to Silmar’s consternation. The bounty hunter pretended to concentrate on working out what they could do with their unwanted passengers, but Rey had seen them flinch as Ben kicked the ladder well and noticed the backwards glances they shot from the pilot’s station into the body of the ship from time to time. ‘I’d stop him if he was breaking your ship.’ She told them tiredly. She had been on edge, waiting for something to happen that would break the fragile happiness she and Ben had carved out for themselves aboard the shuttle and now aboard Hesperian’s Gate, but when he had taken the revelation of his true name and face in his stride she had let herself hope. That was over now. Seeing that a good amount of time had passed, she rose and walked off in search of her tempestuous partner. 

 

She found him leaning against a wall in the crew quarters, arms folded across his chest as he stared at the ceiling, defeated. She went and sat beside him, looking up to see if there was anything in particular he was looking at; she was not surprised to see nothing but the dull metal of the ship’s frame. She leant sideways, leaning her shoulder against his, and waited. She didn’t want to begin by making excuses for Leia, but humouring his introspective side would be a step back if he had already dealt with this for himself. After a few minutes he spoke, quietly. ‘She’s not going to forgive me.’  His tone was flat, but Rey knew how much the words hurt him to admit, true or otherwise. She bit her lip, unsure of what to say, and after a minute he filled the silence. ‘I thought-’ He sighed, still looking up at the ceiling. ‘I thought maybe if she could forgive me, I could- one day- I could forgive myself. It’s stupid. I know I can’t, I just-’ Rey reached a hand out sideways, palm up, for him to take. He put his hand in hers and she squeezed it. 

 

‘She wants to forgive you.’ She told him, sure that that, at least, was true. He nodded and looked down, running his free hand through his hair.

 

‘Yeah.’ 

 

Rey frowned and tried again. ‘She still loves you.’ She saw his eyes dart sideways to her for a moment, then he sighed. She wasn’t helping. ‘ _ I _ love you. And I’m always forgiving you for things. I forgave you for-’ she stopped. Neither of them had said what they were talking about yet, though both were all too aware of it. She didn’t know how to put it. 

 

‘Killing my father.’ he said without expression, staring upwards once more. Rey flinched a little.

 

‘I forgave you for that when we spoke on Ach-to.’ She admitted and he looked at her again, eyes wide and full of questions. 

 

‘Why?’ The question was desperate and Rey cursed herself inwardly. This was not where she had wanted the conversation to go. 

 

‘A few things. It was obviously something you regretted, and I thought- I know Snoke had a lot of influence on you. And I could see why you left Luke, that made sense at least.’ She tried to choose her words carefully, but she had obviously failed. Ben pulled his hand from hers and when he spoke it was harsher than she had heard for some time.

 

‘Snoke didn’t kill Han Solo, I did. He wasn’t on that bridge. My mother wanted to forgive me, but not Kylo, that’s not a choice you can make. If that’s what you’re doing then-’ he stopped for a minute, fighting to retain composure. ‘If that’s what you’re doing then you haven’t forgiven me, and you don’t even understand me.’ He finished, turning to look at her again. Rey shook her head.

 

‘I understand you better than you understand yourself.’ She pointed out, before continuing. ‘And I forgave  _ you.  _ Whatever you were calling yourself at the time.’ Ben deflated a little; he hadn’t expected her to agree with him. 

 

‘I still don’t see why.’ He said bluntly, slipping into the moroseness she had hoped they’d moved past. She watched as he continued to stare upwards, stubbornly blinking away tears in silence. After thinking for a moment she spoke, changing her approach.

 

‘Tell me about him.’ 

 

It worked. He looked at her again, eyes wide with surprise and confusion. He looked lost again for a second before recovering himself, eyes darting momentarily away as he did so. ‘You met him. You knew the stories.’ He deflected, but she shook her head.

 

‘I know about Han Solo. Tell me about your Dad.’ 

 

Ben swallowed and she watched his adam’s apple bob quickly up and down. She hoped this wasn’t too much; she didn’t want to push him too hard, but at the same time she suspected that this was something he needed. ‘I don’t know what you want me say.’ He said eventually. ‘When I think about him I just see-’ his lips parted slightly, but he didn’t finish his sentence. He took a steadying breath and Rey leant against his shoulder again. 

 

‘Could you- if I looked could you show me? I could get past that part for you, I think.’ She suggested, and Ben shrugged. 

 

‘If you want.’ She nodded and sat up again, moving round him and pushing his knees apart so she could kneel between them. She placed her hands gently on his temples and leaned her head forward until their foreheads met. Taking a breath she closed her eyes and pushed at the boundaries of his mind. It was easier than she anticipated, but then he had agreed to this, and they had been so close anyway both mentally and physically that it shouldn’t have been a surprise. She searched through his thoughts, discarding those that were not relevant or helpful, until she found the memories devoted to Han. Those were harder to access, he had locked them away from himself and by extension from her. Over and over she looked down and saw the saber in her hands- his hands - felt its heat as she- he ignited it, felt Han’s hand on his cheek. She felt a hand on her shoulder, fingers gripping, but she kept pushing. There was more through this, she knew that, if she could get him to let her through; let himself through. She refused to give in. Three times, four times, five times; she lost count. It was exhausting but she kept going. They would relive this until something changed. Ben’s grip on her shoulder was too tight, and she was sure she would have bruises in the morning, but she still persisted. She focussed her energy and pushed again. This time something changed. 

 

Luke was there, Leia too, and Han. Hand and Leia stood behind them, tension in the air between the couple, and Rey- Ben was moving towards Luke. Han joked but it was the wrong time, the wrong emotion and everything was overwhelming. They weren’t going to come back. The mixture of memory and hindsight was gut wrenching and Rey’s breath hitched for a moment, almost pulling her towards her own fears and memories, but she pushed again. There must be something positive in there.

 

They were on the Falcon. It was just Han and Ben this time, and Han was explaining something, far too quickly and enthusiastically. Rey knew she should understand, knew that Ben probably would have now as well, but in the memory the words made no sense. They still nodded along, feigning enthusiasm and trying to ask questions, but again Rey felt a tension behind Ben’s words, young as he was. Han looked around and grinned at them. ‘Sorry kid. I’m going too fast. You want to do something else.’ The relief was tangible, and the air felt suddenly cooler and less constricting. ‘You want to play stormtroopers vs ewoks?’ Han dropped the tools and suddenly stood up straight, beginning to march towards them and they ran. The freedom of just running as fast as they could around the Falcon, all the while knowing that if they were caught the worst they had to fear was tickling, was exhilarating. There was guilt there as well. They had definitely cheated, using the force to knock down boxes in han’s path and close doors behind them; Han pointed out as much when he finally surrendered following an epic lightsaber fight wherein Rey was fairly sure everyone lost more limbs than they had started with, and the fact that Ewoks and stormtroopers now carried these weapons was not addressed at any point. 

 

‘You know, I don’t think Ewoks have the Force, Ben.’ Han panted, still clutching at an imaginary wound in his side. 

 

‘They had spears though. I don’t have a spear, and’ Ben’s eyes lit up for a moment with the knowledge that he had his father pinned with this final argument. ‘You have your blaster.’ He pointed and Han gasped in mock surprise. 

 

‘Yeah you got me. I would have shot you if you hadn’t closed that door.’ He said wryly. Ben laughed but there was an edge again and Han shook his head. ‘I wouldn’t shoot you, kid, even if you do cheat at our games. Watch out for that with your Uncle Chewie though.' Ben watched him suspiciously and he rolled his eyes. 'I'm joking. Come here.’ He opened his arms and Ben clambered onto his lap. ‘I’m not going to let you get hurt. Not even by me. You understand?’ He asked, sincere for the first time. Ben nodded and pressed his face into his father’s chest. Rey felt the warmth of his skin beneath the cotton shirt, and his heartbeat beneath that. Something in her stomach twisted as she tried and failed to remember a moment she had spent with her own parents.

‘ ‘m tired.’ Little Ben mumbled and Han nodded, ruffling his hair. ‘Bath time then. And then bed. Let’s go find your Mom, it’s her turn to do your story,’ the memory faded out and Rey blinked her eyes open to see tears streaming down Ben’s cheeks. He took several gulping breaths, trying to stop himself, but it didn’t work. Rey knelt up, pulling his head into her chest and held him there as his shoulders heaved. This was what he needed; to grieve the loss, rather than obsessing about the deed. This was how he moved forward, or at least she hoped it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my kids told me i was 'like Rey because you're cool but not old like Princess Leia' which was the highlight of my week. (I hope I don't come across as as violent as Rey but I'll take what I can get.) So I was in a good mood, so obviously I had to come and depress myself with this angst-fest right here.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Closure? Or just more emotional trauma - you decide!

Over the next few days Ben seemed to drift, largely unreachable within his thoughts, though if she was honest Rey hadn’t tried too hard to reach him. When she had finally grieved her parents, or at least her fantasy of them, in the quiet moments before Ben had arrived at their new hideout she had wanted solitude and time to deal with her own pain without interference. She was still certain that this was the right thing to do, that this would help him move forward in his relationship with Leia. In allowing him to dwell in sadness now, she hoped she was laying a path for joy somewhere down the line. It still hurt though, watching him wander the corridors, forlorn and lost, or sit quietly, unmoving as he allowed himself to truly feel his sorrow, rather than focussing in on rage. She reached out and touched his arm as they sat in the small canteen, Rey eating and Ben ignoring the food before them. He turned and looked at her as if only just noticing her presence. ‘Eat.’ She said gently and he glanced down, seemingly surprised by his surroundings as well as her presence. She sighed and softly placed a hand on his shoulder, letting it rest there as he moved the food around the plate, still not actually eating anything. ‘Ben.’ She spoke again, and again he turned to her, eyes heavy with sadness.

 

‘I-’ The fork fell back onto the plate with a clatter; the loudest sound he had made for the past couple of days; and put his elbows on the table, dropping his head into his hands. She had seen him do this a lot when he was dealing with something, and wondered briefly if he missed having the mask to hide behind. ‘I still killed him, Rey. No matter how many pleasant memories I indulge in, there’s always an edge.’ His voice was muffled, but the words were earnest, and Rey groaned inwardly.He was right. It wasn’t the same as when she had mourned her parents, because she had been blameless. She had been able to choose to forgive and move forward because she was the victim. Of course Ben was a victim too, she would stand by that opinion, but he wouldn’t have any of it. She tried again. 

 

‘You still don’t think that even part of the responsibility lies with Snoke?’ She asked, hoping that this time he would listen.

 

‘I always thought that. It doesn’t diminish my role in it.’ She groaned.

 

‘It does.’ She told him frankly. ‘You need to recognise that.’ 

 

Ben lifted his head slightly, turning sideways to look at her. ‘You really think that? You think it’s… not my fault?’ He’d said the words before, but this time the mocking tone was gone and in its place was something scarily close to hope, alongside mountains of confusion. 

 

She didn’t want to burst his bubble, but all the same she shook her head. ‘I think it’s partly your fault. But I think you’ve taken more than your share of the responsibility. You were a kid when he got in your head, Ben. I guess it depends if who you are now is the son of Princess Leia Organa and Han Solo, or Snoke’s protege.’

 

He sat up again, and she could almost see the cogs turn in his head. ‘Both.’ He said decisively, following it immediately with, ‘Neither. I have to stop relying on people to tell me who I am; I need to make that decision myself.’ Rey beamed at him and he scowled back, beginning to pick at the food in front of him. Rey chuckled and put her arm around his shoulder, squeezing gently. 

 

‘We can move forward, right?’ He nodded and she pressed a kiss to his cheek. ‘I think he’d want you to forgive yourself. If you’d turned back- If you’d stopped.’ Ben looked at her expectantly, waiting for the end of the sentence. She scowled at him and he smiled weakly.

 

‘If I’d…’ he prompted and she elbowed him in the ribs.

 

‘Yeah you’re fine.’ She told him standing and taking her empty plate to wash. He raised his eyebrows, but continued to eat. He had largely ignored food for the past few days, and having started eating he now realised how hungry he was. 

 

Silmar was only vaguely aware of what was happening, having wandered past at an inopportune moment and been shoo’d away by Rey as Ben wept in her arms. Frankly they resented the fact that there were now areas of their ship that they were apparently banned from; the crew quarters having been taken over by their unwanted guests. They had enjoyed talking with Rey though, and they doubted any other bounty hunters could say they survived an encounter with Kylo Ren. It would be a story to tell years down the line, when they could be sure that they would not be hunted down and silenced. They’d probably still leave out the tears, maybe exaggerate the anger to something more in line with the stories they’d heard. Stories were an art, and as long as there was a kernel of truth at the heart then a good bar story was just that; a story. Everyone knew that really, and they enjoyed the telling as much as the hearing. This would be one of the best by the time they had tweaked it. And who knows, by then the girl who had tamed ‘Ben’ as she called him may be as well known as the infamous leader of the First Order.  The comms unit on the console buzzed to life again. ‘Ben? Rey?’ a voice called from it. ‘Do you read me?’ Silmar sighed and lifted it to speak. 

 

‘They’re not here right now. I’ll get them.’ The bounty hunter rose and strode off  towards where they thought their passengers would be. They spotted them coming out of the canteen together, locked in quiet conversation. ‘Found them’ They said into the unit, alerting the couple to their presence, before handing it over to Rey. 

 

‘Hello?’ Rey asked, hoping that it was Leia saying that she had persuaded Jem to let them come back. Seeing his mother would do him good. 

 

‘Hi, Rey. Listen we need-’ Leia’s voice was hushed, and Ben’s stomach turned. He held out a hand and Rey passed him the device, concern filling her features. 

 

‘Mother? What’s happening?’ There was a pause on the other end of the line before Leia spoke, and they heard blaster fire. Ben and Rey exchanged a significant look. 

 

‘We’re under attack. We need you - there are other force-users here. We-’ Ben scowled.

 

‘We’re coming.’ He said, and Rey heard resignation behind the urgency in his tone. She bit the inside of her lip, wanting to intervene and make sure he knew he was valued as more than a weapon, but now was not the time. They began to move towards the cockpit, but Rey held Ben back. 

 

‘You have the coordinates?’ She asked Silmar. They nodded and continued into the cokpit. Rey pulled Ben over to the side. He drummed his fingers against his leg, his focus elsewhere. ‘Ben.’ She said, speaking quietly. ‘I know you’re worried about Leia. We both are. But-’ She swallowed, wanting to get this done. ‘This is it, for us, right?’ She asked. That was what they had agreed. His focus snapped back to her. 

 

‘That was what we said.’ He hazarded, and for a moment they stood in silence. It was Ben who broke it again moments later. ‘Rey, I don’t think there’ll ever be anyone else. You’re-’ he reached for a word, but failed to find anything that seemed like enough, ‘everything. I love you.’ Rey nodded, blinking back tears.

 

‘It’s not goodbye.’ She told herself, speaking it aloud to him as well.  ‘We’ll still be together, just not-’

 

‘Just not together. I don’t know if your plan was a good idea. I think we might have made things harder.’ He stated and Rey nodded. 

 

‘Probably.’ She pulled him in closer, burying her face in his chest and breathing him in. ‘You know how much you mean to me. That doesn’t change.’ Ben bent down, wrapping his arms around her and pressing kisses onto the top of her head.

 

‘I don’t want this to end.’ He muttered into her hair and she nodded against him. 

 

‘I know. Your mother’s in trouble though. We have to help.’ She put her palm flat on his chest, pushing him away. He nodded and went to walk back to the cockpit but Rey grabbed him again, pulling him in to kiss her. When they parted minutes later, both breathing heavily, Rey pressed her lips together. ‘Ok. That’s it.’ She told him and walked past into the cockpit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys the next chapter gets so intense. Prepare yourselves. ALSO I am so near finishing this. We have 5 or six chapters to go, three of which are written. I'mma manage this and actually finish a fic for the first time ever. Remember when this was going to be a one-shot? That went really well. A one-shot that is now the length of a young adult novel. Good job me. Way to be concise.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben to the rescue!

Nothing seemed to be amiss when they came out of hyperspace. The space above the planet was eerily empty. Silmar looked at the two Force-users in the copilot stations behind them and saw the concern on their faces immediately. ‘There’s a star destroyer at 1:00.’ Ben said gravely. ‘It’s cloaked, but it’s there with a skeleton crew. The rest must be on the ground.’ 

 

‘Understood.’ Silmar said, turning on their cloaking device too. ‘We shouldn’t show on their scanners now, until we land.’ The three sat in silence, each wrapped in their own thoughts, as Silmar began to fly the ship carefully into the planet’s atmosphere and towards the compound. Rey turned in her chair and saw Ben’s fist clenching and unclenching by his side. She reached out to him with her mind.  _ We’ve fought before. It’ll be fine. We can take them. _

 

Ben didn’t turn his chair, so she was still staring at the back of his head.  _ I don’t know. I just- I have a bad feeling about this. _

 

Rey stood and went to stand beside him, leaning against his shoulder and feigning interest in what he was doing on the ship’s computers.  _ You have bad feelings about everything. This is just another battle. We need to get in there and sort it out.  _

 

_ I’m not saying we shouldn’t go, of course we should.  _ He thought, looking up at her.  _ I’m saying it feels off. Something’s going on. I can’t work it out. _

 

_ Ok.  _ She took his hand and brought it to her lips.  _ If you don’t know what it is, there’s no sense in worrying yet.  _ Ben nodded, but his expression was still dark. 

 

Silmar turned in their chair. ‘We’re down. You two can get out. It’s been… It’s been a time. A story I can tell the grandkids.’ Rey turned, shocked.

 

‘You won’t fight with us? You have skills, weapons, you’d be an asset.’ Silmar shrugged. 'They're innocent people for the most part. There are kids there.'

 

‘Not my kids. Seems to me that they’ll be ok with you two on their side anyway.’ They pressed a button and a hatch opened in the floor of the ship behind them, a small ladder leading down to the ground. Ben went first, dropping down rather than taking the ladder. He landed with a small grunt and looked up to see Rey doing the same. He stepped out of the way quickly, letting her land beside rather than on top of him, and they surveyed the scene. They were close to, but not inside the compound. They couldn’t see over the tall white walls, but they could hear the sounds of blaster fire and smell iron in the air. Rey glanced at him and they both took off, running to reach the gates and help those who were waiting within. 

 

Ben moved a hand as they reached them and they flew open, one falling off the hinge at the top. The two force-users didn’t break their stride as they ran through. Troopers turned to see them and opened fire, but they held it off without batting an eyelid, Rey holding back bolts as Ben flung troopers out of the way, using them as projectiles against each other. They made their way through the throng until they reached Finn and Rose who were taking shelter behind an overturned bench, turning out to fire whenever there was an opening. There were other fighters there too, in the resistance lines, but Rey didn’t recognise them. They must be Jem’s men. A man they recognised as a commander by the stripes on his uniform turned to speak to them after they had greeted Finn and Rose. 

 

‘Rey and... Ben, right? General Dameron said you’d show up. Just in time too, we are sorely outnumbered. He’s on the shuttle just east of here, along with Senator Marr and the force-user they had prisoner, negotiating the safety of the Senator’s people.’ Ben’s expression soured even further and Rey noticed the colour drain from his cheeks. 

 

‘That’s not a negotiation, that’s a trap. Why did Dameron go and not someone lower ranking? Who has the command now he’s gone?’ He asked, tone businesslike despite his pallor.

 

The commander swallowed, ‘I don’t know, sir.’ the honorific slipped out in response to Ben’s authoritative tone and the reputation which preceded him. ‘It was Denu, but he’s down. General Organa-Solo is with the children and non-combatants inside. Me I suppose.’

 

Ben scowled at the man, but Rey’s voice in his head reminded him to be civil. ‘Right. So what are our orders? What do you need?’ 

 

Commander Shute took a breath before addressing the most feared man in the galaxy. ‘Right. The men in this courtyard are all we have left on the ground. There are a fair number with Eri and our medics, but those in this courtyard are the only ones in fighting condition. Leia and the rest of the occupants of the compound are below ground, they’re safe as long as we hold this line. We need to get General Dameron and his party back from that ship.’  By the end of his statement his confidence seemed to have returned and he turned to Rey. ‘I’d advise one of you stays and acts defensively here, keeping the line, the other goes to the ship and works out what’s going on.’

 

Ben nodded, all of a sudden he knew what needed to be done. He could get Poe back. For all his claims to be calm and rational, Hux was more similar to Kylo Ren than he would ever admit, and the chance to finally defeat him would be too tempting. He’d go. The Resistance needed Poe, and Ben- he was an inconvenience as much as he was an asset; while he was with them it would be difficult for them to gain sympathy or aid. This was it then, his purpose. This was how he deserved her, though the irony of the act was not lost on him as he opened his mouth to begin his goodbyes.  ‘I’ll go to the ship. I should be able to ease negotiations.’ Rey looked at him, seeing exactly what he intended. 

 

_ I think I understand your bad feeling now. Don’t do this. _ Ben's eyes darted towards her for a second and she saw a mixture of sorrow and determination in his eyes.

 

_ What choice to we have? This makes sense, Rey. I don’t have a future beyond this war anyway, and you need Poe. Tell my mother I’m sorry. I love her and… goodbye, I guess.  _ Rey scowled at him. 

 

_ I need  _ you.  _ You blaster-brained idiot. I’m not saying goodbye to your mother for you because you’re not leaving us.  _ There were tears pricking at her eyes, a combination of desperation, anger and sadness threatening to overtake her. He bit his lip for a moment before leaning in to kiss her one last time, but she shook her head pulling back. He swallowed. She was standing by their agreement, still it seemed unfair. At the same time it made things easier. Rey saw his expression and shook her head.

 

_ No. This isn’t goodbye. Don’t you dare go, Ben Solo.  _

 

He looked away, blinking back his own tears. He didn’t want to. He knew what going on that ship meant; knew the only surefire way of getting Poe and the Senator safely off the vessel, and for the first time in what felt like a lifetime he wanted to avoid his death for his own sake, rather than out of some sense of duty or destiny. He swallowed, speaking aloud this time. 

 

‘I’m going, Rey. I’m sorry.’ He turned and began to move away. He turned back momentarily and Rey’s spirits lifted, only to be dashed again as he took his saber from his belt and held it out to her.

 

‘Take it. I’m not going to need it.’ He turned again and left. 

 

_ Ben.  _ He heard her call after him in his head, then out loud too. ‘Ben!’ He didn’t turn. ‘Don't you dare do this to me!' The desperation in her voice almost gave him pause, but he kept going.  'I love you!’ she shouted after him in a last ditch attempt to make him change his mind, not caring who was listening. 

 

_ I know.   _ She heard back in her head, and then he was gone. 

 

She whirled around, taking all of the fear and pain and desperation and pushing it out of her at the troops in front of them. A wave of energy blasted out from her, and troopers fell back, the first falling to the ground, then those behind falling too, like skittles. She took his saber and stepped out from behind their cover, whirling and slashing as she moved. If she could clear this area, if she could make sure they were all safe, she could go with him. She could stop him. She wasn’t stupid, she knew what he was planning. She felt another force-user, weak in the force but physically strong enough. The woman approached her, but she had no time for this. She thought of Ben and their time together, and how he had been let down by Han and Leia and Luke and Snoke and Hux and his knights, and she was not going to be another person to let him down. She let her rage consume her and she felt lightning in her veins. She thrust her hand towards the woman, whoever she was, and let it course out of her and into the stranger. She felt a presence behind her, heard a voice shouting her name and whipped around, swinging the saber between her hands.

 

‘Rey!’ Finn shouted again, and she stopped, the heat of the blade close enough that he could feel it. She looked at him and saw fear in his eyes. ‘What- I thought-’

 

Rey stumbled, suddenly exhausted. She fell to her knees, tears falling down her face. ‘He’s gone, Finn. He’s gone to sacrifice himself, and I won’t see him again. Ever. He didn’t even get to see Leia, before...’ Finn knelt next to her.

 

‘Rey, what you just did. That was some dark stuff. You- you had lightning coming from your hands. I don’t- Look I know you’re upset, but we should go down and speak to Leia.’ Rey shook her head, fighting to get back to her feet. 

 

‘I’m going after him.’ She insisted. ‘There’s still time, I can stop him, we can get the others back another way.’  Finn rose too, grabbing her arm.

 

‘Rey you’re not in any state to go anywhere. You can barely stand, let alone fight off more troopers. Come with us.’ He maintained his grip as she struggled, placing his hand on her other shoulder.

 

‘Let me go.’ She told him, firmly, but he didn’t. ‘Let. Me. Go.’ She repeated. There was power in her words this time and Finn felt his grip loosening against his will. Rey gritted her teeth and stumbled onwards in the direction Ben had run. Finn watched as she collapsed again a few feet ahead and shook his head. ‘Rose, help me get her below ground with the others.’ Rose ran forward and the two of them supported Rey, helping her back into the depths of the compound where everyone else was waiting for the battle to be over and for Poe and Jem to return. 

 

Leia raised her eyes to meet them as they entered, looking behind to see if Ben would follow, despite knowing what had taken place from the commander’s report. ‘Rey. it’s good to see you.’ Rey nodded, but said nothing, flopping down on the seat beside Leia and leaning into her. Leia put her arm around the girl as she half-wept, half-slept against her and swallowed her own tears. Not now. Wait. She still didn’t know how many she was grieving. 

 

Hours later Poe returned, bruised, limping and helping the battered Senator Marr to walk beside him. Leia looked behind him for Ben, but minutes passed and he didn’t follow. She looked to Poe. ‘They’ll leave Tizon alone as long as the Senator agrees not to aid us further. We have to evacuate as soon as we can, but we can take anyone who wants to come with us from Jem’s troops.’ The Senator nodded his agreement, falling onto one of the beds that had been moved down during the seige. Eri walked swiftly over and began flapping around him, listening in to Leia’s conversation with Poe.

 

‘Ben?’ Was all Leia managed to say, trying not to assume the worst. Poe looked down.

 

‘He stayed. He-’ The exhausted pilot took a breath and looked Leia in the eye. ‘He took the cuffs off Ga’ar and put them on. Hux intends to kill him slowly.’ Eri looked up from the Senator, who was fine aside from a few broken ribs and some slight head trauma, wondering if Poe had also suffered head trauma. It was bad enough that Leia had lost her son permanently this time. Knowledge of his suffering helped nobody.

 

‘I don’t know if we needed that detail.’ She muttered to Poe, but she stopped chastising him when she saw hope spark in Leia’s eyes.

 

‘I imagine Hux will make it last. We have time.’ She squeezed Rey’s shoulder, turning to the sleeping girl, a grim smile on her face. ‘We have time. We’ll get him back.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben has bad ideas and someone needs to make his decisions for him. All the same he's trying his goshdarn best, but everything has to be melodramatic. Also look at Rey finding her dark side! Everyone is grey. You're grey, I'm grey, we're all grey! 
> 
> Kudos and comments make me happy and help me through the last week of term!


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wakes up and she is not happy.

Rey awoke in a bed she didn’t recognise. It was the most comfortable she had been in her whole life, the soft sheets and the warmth of the room tricking her into forgetting who and where she was. She closed her eyes and reached out to Ben, expecting to feel his presence close. She felt nothing. She furrowed her brow, eyes still closed and reached out again.  _ Ben.  _ She called, more insistent now. He should be there. Where was he? She should at least feel him, even if he didn’t respond. She blinked her eyes open and saw Leia dozing in an armchair in the corner. As her eyes adjusted to the light, she remembered.

 

‘No’ she murmured under her breath. They had joined hands across the galaxy, distance wasn’t an issue. If she couldn’t feel him that meant… ‘No.’ She said again, louder this time. She stood quickly out of bed, and Leia shook herself awake. 

 

‘Rey. You’re awake, good.’ Rey heard the calm voice and turned on her heel to stand over the woman. 

 

‘You! You drove him to this. I know you told him he wasn’t good enough for me, well  I didn’t care. You made it quite clear you still value all of this over him when you asked us to stay away, so of course he put your cause before his own safety, and now he’s… Now he’s gone and you’re just sitting here like everything’s fine. I guess you won your battle.’ She spat the last statement, stoking the anger in her stomach even further. While she was angry she could keep going. She thought she might just crumble away to nothing if she didn’t have that to sustain her.

 

Leia flinched at the girl’s words. She had told Ben he wasn’t good for Rey, and she had rejected him again before calling for them only when she was desperate. She had used him. ‘Rey, I know I’ve let him down again.’

 

Rey’s anger became fury and Leia saw the fire in her eyes. ‘This goes beyond letting him down. I can’t feel him anymore, Leia. He’s dead. You must have felt it while I was asleep, but you don’t care. He’s your son, and you don’t care. After he gave his life for  _ your  _ cause.’ She spat, disgust filling every word. Leia sighed. Of course, Rey didn’t know. She had let them down again. She deflated slightly, speaking quickly to spare Rey any more of the grief she herself was 

 

‘He’s not dead, Rey. Not yet. But you need to calm down. You almost killed yourself using your rage in the field. Don’t let it consume you.’ Leia rose and went to place a hand on Rey’s shoulder but the girl shrugged her off.

 

‘Maybe you didn’t feel it,’ she allowed, ‘But I can’t feel him. At all. Even before we… before he came back to us, I could feel him at the edges of my mind. Now I feel nothing. He’s gone, Leia.’ She turned back to Leia, voice softening for a moment. ‘I’m sorry.’ She paused for a second, and Leia went to fill the silence but she raised her hand, beginning again.  ‘But I will not calm down. And you shouldn’t either. I will scream and shout and tear things down until people know who he really is. Who he was at the end. I will not have him remembered as Kylo Ren.’ 

 

Leia shook her head. ‘Rey, Poe saw what happened. He put the cuffs on. He’s cut off from the Force he’s not dead.’ Leia looked down, and Rey saw how tired and pallid she looked. ‘Hux said he was planning to enjoy himself. To do it slowly. We both know Ben can take a beating; Finn and Poe are on the Falcon already. They’re leaving in an hour.’ Rey turned away from Leia, confused but ultimately relieved.

 

‘Right. Sorry. I thought-‘ she began pulling on her clothes quickly and started to leave the room. Before she left she turned back to Leia.

‘In case he’s… in case he’s beyond saving, he told me to tell you he’s sorry and he loves you and,’ she paused, swallowing and looking up to try and stop the tears welling up again. They would bring him home. ‘And he said goodbye.’ Her voice cracked a little, but she regained her composure. The older woman pressed her lips together and Rey saw that her eyes were glistening too.

 

‘You tell him he’s forgiven, and I love him and I don’t need any more apologies.’ Leia told her, ‘Everything he’s done, it’s gone now. It’s forgiven, we move forward.’ Leia maintained eye contact even as her voice broke and  the tears welling in her eyes overflowed and ran down her cheeks. 

 

Rey walked forward and took Leia‘s hands. ‘Thank you. I’ll bring him home.’

 

Leia nodded, regaining herself. She wiped her eyes swiftly and followed Rey. They passed Rose, leading the evacuation alongside Poe. More of Jem’s people had joined and Rey saw something that resembled an army coming together. Good. She would celebrate later; with Ben.

 

As they reached the Falcon, they saw Chewie standing over Eri, giving instructions as she prepared for take-off. ‘I do know how to fly a ship, Chewie.’ The Wookiee moaned at him and she waved a hand. ‘Sure, look if you’re coming either fly the ship yourself or stop backseat piloting.’ Leia cleared her throat. 

 

‘You’re going? To rescue Ben? Or just to stop someone else killing him before you can.’  She smiled slyly and the Wookiee roared again.

 

‘Oh I see. I think we can probably consider your debt repaid anyway. If you’re going it’s because you want to save Ben, Uncle Chewie.’ Chewbacca grumbled but didn’t contradict her and she smiled sadly. ‘Go. We don’t know how much time we have.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there will be 4 more chapters after this, and maybes an epilogue. I'm currently writing the last chapter so I have almost actually officially finished writing something!! I'm also on my Easter Holidays now so I am very happy all round. You can really see that in this chapter I think, what with all the misery and anger. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated. 
> 
> ALSO I'm going home to watch TLJ with my Mum who hasn't seen it yet and I am so psyched. She was 100% convinced Kylo was going to turn within seconds of learning he was Ben Solo and then was personally hurt when he killed Han (I mean who wasn't? But also she doesn't like Star Wars much so for her it was a BIG DEAL) so she will be very aggravated by this film also which will be fun. Roll on episode IX.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux is a bad man and Rey is worried she is also a bad person, but mostly that Ben's going to die.

Ben looked up as Hux entered the room. He waited for the man to get closer before spitting blood in his face, one of the few ways in which he still resisted. ‘Always a gentleman, Kylo.’ Hux said sardonically, wiping the blood from his cheek with a gloved finger. He took another step closer and smiled slightly. ‘You won’t convince me to finish this any sooner than I want to.’ He murmured in Ben’s ear, pressing his hand in against Ben’s throat. ‘I will make you pay for every second you spent trying to command me, destroying my ships,  _ humiliating me _ ’ He pushed harder, and Ben began to see dark spots in front of his eyes. Good. The more time he spent unconscious, the less time he spent listening to Hux. Hux let him go and he gasped, gulping down air. ‘You don’t get out this that easily.’ The man hissed, pulling back to punch him in the gut. Ben grunted at the impact; Hux may not have been on the frontlines for some time, but he kept himself in shape with regular drills and training, just as he required the rest of the officers to do. Ben let himself close his eyes as the blows kept coming. Kriff, he was tired. Hux wasn’t allowing him to sleep for more than 30 minute intervals, and it was beginning to take its toll on his mind. Without the Force he was finding it difficult to distinguish between his hallucinations and reality. This was real; he could feel the ache in his wrists where the suppressor cuffs were chained to the posts Hux had set up for him, and the blows falling on his body. Hux had moved on from hitting him himself and had called in troopers to do his dirty work. He wondered if they enjoyed the task or if it was just another order to follow. He suppressed his reactions, knowing it would aggravate Hux if he seemed unaffected by the onslaught. Another small resistance. Hux smiled and lifted a hand, aware by now of Ben’s game. The troopers backed off. Ben lifted his head and opened his eyes. ‘You do like to make life difficult for yourself, don’t you?’ Hux asked mildly, walking across to the weapons rack standing at the side of the room. ‘I will get a reaction from you. I have had a difficult day, I’d like to use this time to relax.’ He removed an electronic flail, from the rack and handed it to a trooper who ignited it with a crackle. Ben tensed, preparing himself for the shock, but there was little he could do to stop his body from reacting. Hux leant back, watching. ‘Better. Continue.’ 

 

Sitting in the pilot’s chair, Rey tapped her knuckle against her teeth, leg bouncing below the console. She was still struggling to cope with not knowing what was happening to Ben. For the first time in months she couldn’t feel him at the edges of her mind. She reached out and there was nothing. She hoped desperately that he was ok, or as close to that as he could be. bit the skin on her knuckle and focussed on the pain for a minute. She stopped herself as she heard footsteps approaching and Finn dropped down in the seat beside her. ‘How are you doing?’ he asked, shooting her a worried look. Rey closed her eyes for a moment. 

 

‘I’m ok. I’m not going to electrocute anyone, or whatever that was.’ Finn shot her a look, still obviously concerned. 

 

‘I’m not worried about you hurting us, Rey. I’m just worried. We uh- we heard what you said. Before Ben left. I’m guessing you’re not doing so well.’ Rey nodded. 

 

‘I know it doesn’t make sense, Finn, but I do love him. I don’t want him to-’ she stopped as her voice broke. ‘He’s come such a long way,’ she said quietly, looking down at the console. Finn swallowed.

 

‘It seems that way. Giving himself up for Poe, those were not the actions of someone who’s in this for themselves. Why do you think we’re here?’ Rey shrugged. 

 

‘You want to keep me and Leia happy?’ Finn narrowed his eyes at her. 

 

‘I was more here because Poe said if he couldn’t come, I had to. But also because we believe you that he’s changed. I got a second chance, right? Granted I didn’t actually-’ Rey shot him a look and he stopped. ‘Right. Not the time. Anyway, if you think he’s ok, we think he’s ok.’ She bit her lip and sighed.

 

‘I don’t think he’s ok.’ she said quietly. ‘I miss him.’ Finn put his hand on her shoulder.

 

‘I get that.’ She looked round, puzzled, ‘Not him. Look, you were away, things have happened.’ Rey raised an eyebrow, distracted momentarily from her worries. 

 

‘Oh?’ She asked, smiling weakly as Finn fidgeted beside her, suddenly coy. He cleared his throat. ‘Look, I may have… developed feelings for someone. I don’t know what I’m doing. But you don’t get to laugh at me, you’re in love with Kylo Ren.’ He accused and she huffed out a laugh.

 

‘Ben Solo,’ she corrected. ‘And I’m not laughing at you. Who? Rose?’ He shook his head. ‘Poe?’ Finn looked down and Rey pushed his shoulder gently. 

 

‘That’s good Finn. I’m happy for you. So when you said things have happened, are we talking just feelings, or…’ she trailed off and waited for an answer.

 

‘More than feelings.’ Rey shot him another weak smile and he put his arms around her, pulling her in for a quick hug. ‘We’ll get Ben back. Then we’ll go back, and we’ll have two very powerful force-users and Jem’s people as well as us. We’re in a pretty good position now.’

 

Rey nodded and tried to let him lift her spirits, but she was still just tired and scared. ‘I can usually feel him,’ she explained, ‘I can’t when he’s wearing the cuffs. He’s out there in pain, maybe dying, and I don’t know anything beyond that. I feel like I’ve lost him again.’ Finn frowned and rubbed her back. 

 

‘It won’t be long now. We’ll find him.’ He repeated and Rey nodded. ‘And hey, Eri’s here so whatever state he’s in we can help as soon as we find him.’ Rey swallowed and gritted her teeth. 

 

‘I’m going to try and get some rest.’ She could feel the dark tugging at her mind again and she needed to focus on the light; not that she could find much hope to help her right now. She wished for the first time in months that she was back on Jakku where her struggles had been simple, but then- Then she wouldn’t have met Ben. He might still be fighting on the wrong side of all this. She would suffer this a thousand times over to see him safe and happy, she decided. She found a quiet space and sat down to meditate, reaching out to feel the stars that burned around them, the life teeming on the planets below them, the hearts beating, blood pumping, air flowing through the falcon and then- something new. Something that wasn’t, at least not yet. Sunlight, filtered through trees and a stream. Laughter echoed through the trees, her own and… Ben. He sounded more free than she had heard him, even in their time hiding together on the shuttle. There was a flash of someone else, bare feet on soft grass and high pealing laughter and her heart fluttered at the sound. It was the most perfect thing she had ever heard, but then it slipped away and was gone and she was faced with another scene; another possible future. Herself on the ground, cradling an unmoving Ben in her arms as she screamed and around her lives ended. She watched herself with red tear-filled eyes  and his crackling red saber fighting down wave after wave of troopers, ignoring her friends as she won this war alone, but lost everything else. The vision flickered and faded again. She saw Ben now, clearly, head hanging forward, his pale skin exposed and bruised. Red raw wounds striping his chest and legs. For a moment she thought she saw his eyes open and look directly into hers, but then that must be just her mind.  _ I’m coming.  _ She said anyway, hoping that the words could reach him somehow.  _ Wait for me.  _ He looked half dead already, and her stomach turned.  _ Please hold on.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is not fun for these two kids right now. Things might pick up, who knows. I've actually finished the story right now which is nice. I need to check for terrible spelling and bad writing but aside from that I'm done! Epilogue and all!
> 
> Now to play with my witch hunt au plot bunny which is lurking around my brain... Also I might actually use my tumblr again at some point, idk. It's all marvel stuff right now but i may log-in and star rebageling some Star Wars stuff.


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They arrive on the star destroyer.

‘We’re approaching their ship.’ Eri called back to Finn and Rey, and they came forward, squeezing into the small cockpit. ‘Finn, man the weapons,’ she told him, turning to Rey as he left. ‘They’ll recognise our ship. You can get us in, right?’ She nodded and remained standing between the seats where Eri and Chewie sat, closing her eyes and focussing on the life signs she felt onboard. Hundreds of people, going about their lives, sleeping, eating, doing their jobs. The scale of the operation was horrifying. All these lives dedicated to the destruction of her and her friends. That was not her concern right now. She found the minds she needed and slipped in, first one then the other. Both were tired, overworked perhaps, but nonetheless it worked to her advantage. She pushed gently, soothing them to sleep with quiet words whispered in their ears. Eri shot her a look, disconcerted by the girl standing, murmuring behind them. Moments later she opened her eyes. ‘The guards are asleep. We won’t be noticed as we get closer.’ Chewie moaned, acknowledging her efforts and Eri turned in her chair to take Rey’s hand, squeezing it and looking at her with care in her eyes. ‘Not long now. Are you ready?’ Rey wet her lips and nodded. She had sought out Ben as she searched through the ship for the minds she needed. He was alive, though he was fading. She couldn’t reach his mind, but she could feel his heartbeat somewhere deep in the maze of corridors. Close to Hux’s quarters she imagined. That was where they needed to go. She was pleased at least that she would be able to find him once they got on board, though remaining undetected would present a challenge.  _ It doesn’t have to.  _ A voice whispered in her head and she shook it off.  _ You  _ saw  _ yourself winning without any help. You do that now and he could survive.  _ She shook her head again. No. That was not the answer. She had seen another future. She would fight for that, but not in darkness. Ben wouldn’t want her to give in, not anymore. 

 

The Falcon approached the landing bay, and Rey refocused herself, extending an arm and prying the doors open, exertion clear on her face as they began to crack. They slipped through the small gap and Rey let the doors close behind them, taking deep breaths to recover herself. Eri turned to her. ‘What’s the plan?’ Rey closed her eyes and took one more breath. She didn’t know. She just wanted to get him back as soon as she could. 

 

‘We-’ she glanced back at Finn, ‘If it’s ok for you, we put on trooper uniform. Me, Finn and Eri. Chewie stays with the ship. Eri, you bring what you think you might need. He’s-’ She described what she had seen when she saw him earlier; the wounds; the bruises; the way one leg seemed to take all of his weight as the other twisted unnaturally beneath him; his skin so white it almost glowed in the dim light. She stared at the console unblinking, trying to hold herself together. ‘I imagine he’ll need support to walk, but I hope- I hope once the cuffs are off he’ll be able to at least try.’ She finished. Chewie moaned again and she shot him a thin lipped smile. ‘For now at least. I don’t know how much longer though. We need to get to him as soon as we can. We’ll work out how to get him out when we’re there.’ Eri frowned. 

 

‘Look, I understand the need for urgency, but I don’t see how going in unprepared helps us in the long run. If we get caught I imagine Hux’s more practical side will come to light and we  _ will  _  lose Ben. If we plan further we have more ch-’ Rey shushed her as she sensed a patrol approaching. 

 

‘Troopers,’ she whispered. ‘We move now. I can get us out of here when we have him, I just don’t know how yet. I have ideas.’ Eri nodded and grabbed her blaster, along with the small bag of emergency medical supplies. Finn followed suit and the three of them moved quietly out of the ship and onto the floor of the landing bay. Eri moved out in front, acting on instinct as the oldest and most experienced member of the group. Rey quietly moved around her, shooting her an apologetic glance. ‘I can sense when someone’s coming, and I can find Ben.’ She whispered and Eri shrugged. 

 

‘I have no objections to you taking point on this. Just autopilot. I’ll stick in the middle then, it’s harder to manouver with this anyway.’ She lifted the bag and Rey nodded. She held up a hand as they heard footsteps, motioning for them to wait beneath the ship. They heard a brief conversation between the troopers as they argued about whether or not the sip really was  _ the  _ Millenium Falcon. It was only when one of them suggested calling it in that Rey moved, quickly and quietly , around the back of the ship and behind the small group of troopers. Eri and Finn followed close behind her and the three of them approached the group unnoticed. Rey gestured for them to draw their blasters seconds before the troopers turned to leave. The first to turn jumped visibly at their presence, and as the others turned and noticed them Eri was the one to speak. ‘Drop your weapons and comms and nobody needs to get shot.’ She said calmly, demeanor similar to how it had been when dealing with Kylo upon his arrival. ‘We need your armour.’ She told them, blaster still drawn. Three of the four troopers looked to the other who nodded. Finn and Rey made themselves busy tying the troopers up once their armour was removed, then pulled the white combat gear on themselves. Eri grabbed her set of armour once the final trooper was secured, and helped Rey guide them onto the ship. Finn hung back, waiting until Eri and Rey returned to rejoin them. Rey shot him a glance. ‘You ok?’ She asked, looking past him to check that they were still alone. 

 

‘Yeah, I just- seeing them out of the armour, you know.’ He trailed off and Rey looked back at him, nodding silently. Eri heaved her bag onto her shoulder over the combat gear and looked to Rey. 

 

‘We going?’  Rey said nothing, but marched forward. Finn caught up to her, walking normally or as normally as the armour allowed. 

 

‘Don’t march. We’re not on the ground, we don’t need to be imposing. We can just walk.’ She stopped and kept step with him instead, all the while focussing on the direction from which she heard Ben’s heart. Finn soon learned that his role in this would be to prevent her from walking directly into walls as she focussed on less solid things than the architecture of the star destroyer they were on. As they moved through the ship they drew little attention. One officer stopped to ask about the bag, but seemed satisfied with Finn’s bluff of ‘confiscated goods from a trading vessel,’ and allowed them to continue on their way. As they moved further into the depths of the ship, passing engine rooms and fuel stores, Rey’s disorientation grew more intense. She knew where she needed to be; she could feel it, but the ship seemed like a maze. The star destroyer she had explored in what felt now like another life on Jakku had been significantly easier to navigate, the structural damage providing gaps in walls and corridors to squeeze through where necessary. Here she was hemmed in by walls and walkways that she could not simply break down with a well placed kick. It was almost a relief when they saw Hux approaching, flanked by his personal guard. He shot them a brief questioning look, but did not stop to investigate their presence when Finn stopped to salute and let them pass, presumably too busy to worry about the actions of troopers assigned to such menial tasks as to be this far down in the ship. Rey gritted her teeth as she noted the dull stains on his dark gloves and forced herself to maintain the salute until he passed. She satisfied herself catching the corner of his greatcoat on a railing as he continued, causing him to stumble momentarily. They busied themselves as he walked away, before walking quickly in the direction he had come from once he was safely out of sight. As they grew closer, Rey saw the door she needed. It was inconspicuous aside from the guard posted outside. Rey began to extend an arm, but Finn shook his head, approaching the troopers. He spoke with them quietly and moments later they left, posture decidedly less official as they moved past the small group, rolling stiff shoulders that had remained in one position for far too long. Finn beckoned Eri and Rey closer and Eri’s stomach turned as the smell coming from the room took her back to battlefield hospitals; the heavy scent of blood in the air and beneath it something more putrid; rotting flesh that had been left untreated for too long. She swallowed and breathed out slowly before stepping closer. ‘You ready?’ She asked Rey under her breath. Rey shook her head, but opened the door nonetheless.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might just post the rest of this today/tomorrow - I'm visiting family and will be computerless for a week starting Monday so I figure I'll just upload the lot this weekend.
> 
> Also I just posted the first chapter of my new fic - Familiar Spirits. It's a fun witch hunt au which is definitely not going to be very sad and distressing. Just a happy romp through 16th century puritanical America. With witches!
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Comments/kudos and Ben might survive :p


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunions happen.

Ben was ready now. He had courted death for so long anyway, leaving himself open in fights, hoping somewhere in the back of his mind that someone would take advantage and end him. Now he was so close he could almost touch it. He knew it would come sooner or later; at this point he was hoping for sooner. He hurt; his arms ached from where they were cuffed to the wall behind him, taking his weight as his legs barely held him upright; his legs themselves were another source of pain, though the one he assumed was broken felt strangely numb; he knew his wounds were festering from the smell, and the agony when Hux had pressed into them as he investigated the damage he had wrought on his nemesis. Death was not the terrifying spectre it had been when he was a child, it was just another part of life to be experienced. He had come here to die; the waiting was what he resented, deserved as it may be. The worst thing was never seeing Rey again. Knowing that he had left her despite her protestations, and that she would be furious with him even in her grief. He conjured her face again in his mind as Hux continued to torment his body, and let himself think back to their time together. If this was to be his end, then he would slip away dreaming of her. He felt the dark closing in and something childish inside him hoped for a second he would see his father again. He regretted not seeing his mother one last time. He hadn’t even said goodbye to her when they had left in the shuttle all those weeks ago. That had been thoughtless, perhaps unkind. She deserved better, but then she always had. He hoped she and Rey would find comfort in each other. He felt himself tense as Hux drew the knife he held purposefully across his arm, reopening wounds from the previous days. He refused to feel the pain even as he felt blood, warm on his forearm. Rey’s eyes. So bright and purposeful, even as she had called him a monster and silently accused him of the unspeakable crimes for which he was responsible. So kind when they looked at him filled with pity that made him doubt himself and the path before him. So joyful when he had finally accepted his name once more. He felt himself slipping away and leant into it, hoping against hope that Hux would let him go. Hux did not. As he saw his prisoner’s eyes roll back into his head he stepped back, delivering another punch quick and hard to the man’s ribs to wake him. As bones cracked, he saw Kylo’s eyes flicker open for a moment before closing again. He gestured for his guard to give the man a drink. He would last until the morning at least, at which point Hux would provide his guest with enough medical attention to keep him going another day. He would not have it said that he was a poor host. When the troopers accompanying him had done his bidding, he turned and left the room. Ben let himself drift away into somewhere between sleep and death.

 

Eri surveyed the scene with a clinical eye, forcing herself to remain detached and professional as she had when the man dying in front of her had been the enemy. Now that she counted him an ally, and potentially a friend, that was harder to achieve. Multiple contusions to the chest, legs, arms and face, probable broken leg and based on the bruises on his chest and his laboured breathing, ribs too. She thought briefly of Leia’s reaction to seeing him in this state but put it from her mind. That was not constructive, and anyway he would be at least somewhat improved by the time Leia set eyes on him. That or- she shook her head, no, that was not an option. Open wounds on the neck, back and chest, some tissue death surrounding the wounds as a result of infection. Probable fever. Burns on his abdomen,  possibly electrical. Eri moved closer to examine them, unsure of what could have caused them. As she approached, she looked at Rey, noticing too late what the girl was doing. ‘Rey don’t-’ she called, but she was too late. Rey had unclipped one of the cuffs holding Ben up against the wall, and with his left leg clearly broken and the other still recovering, possibly worse after Hux’s treatment, he fell heavily. They heard a sharp intake of breath and a sickening crack as his shoulder dislocated, his wrist still cuffed to the wall above his head. This seemed to rouse him slightly, and he looked at them through heavy lids, breathing raggedly through the pain. ‘-not supposed to,’ he swallowed but continued, ‘to hurt me when ‘x is not here,’ he slurred, dropping his eyelids again, arm twisted unnaturally up behind him.His eyes flickered open again for a moment when the troopers before him made no response. ‘could just kill me. ‘f you’re not scared of Hux.’ Each word seemed to cost a great deal of his strength and by the time his statement was finished, he had slumped forward even further. Rey removed her helmet quickly, looking stricken and swiftly unclipped the other cuff. Ben’s eyes remained closed as his arm fell and Rey crouched before him, willing him to open them. She took his hand, starting with the uninjured arm and removed the cuff that was keeping him seperate from the Force. He gasped and his eyes shot open, confusion written across his bruised countenance. Recognising Rey, he gripped her hand, pressing bruises into her skin below the regulation gloves ‘I don’t-’ She shushed him and quickly removed the other cuff. 

 

_ You’re coming home. Just stay with me.  _

 

He said nothing, but she could feel him again, faintly, at the edges of her mind. He still felt weak and as his eyes fluttered closed Rey looked back to Eri, who hurried forward. ‘Quick fixes. Nothing that’ll last,’ she muttered as she rooted through her bag. ‘Can you manage his shoulder. You just need to pop it back in. It’ll hurt like hell, if he’s conscious which is questionable. Anyway, it’s better than it getting damaged further.’ Rey nodded and took the damaged limb, moving back to where it should be. She placed one hand on top of his shoulder and the other over the dislocated ball joint, trying to feel where it should go with both the Force and her hands. She guided it gently before shoving hard. Eri glanced up from where she had been splinting his broken leg, worried. ‘No reaction to that. We need to get him to a bacta tank as soon as we can. I can patch him up a little on the Falcon, but he needs more. His breathing’s not great.’ She spoke more to herself than to Rey, but her words were heard and understood nonetheless. Rey pressed her lips together, fighting back tears. She had done this. It was her fault he felt he needed to do some grand gesture to show his commitment to the resistance. It was her fault he had come to them in the first place, and she shouldered a great deal of the responsibility for his reform - reform which had lead him to this. Eri watched Rey for a second before handing her a fistful of bacta patches. She needed to be kept occupied to keep her from overthinking. ‘Apply these anywhere where his skin’s broken. They’ll stop any infection spreading. I need to get his leg to a state where he can at least try to walk if he comes to.’ Rey nodded dumbly and began peeling open the packages. She wondered bleakly if they’d have enough. Eri watched her as she unfolded the mechanised splint in her bag, noting the girl’s shaky hands. She turned back to Ben, checking his breathing again for a moment. Too loud, but otherwise steady enough. No signs of cardiac arrest which was something at least. She took his ankle and began carefully realigning the bones, ready to apply the splint; if she did this wrong he could lose the use of the limb. She spoke as she did so, keeping her language technical and reassuring to help Rey stay focussed. When Rey finished, she beckoned her over, giving her small, simple jobs to keep her busy. Satisfied that she had done as good a job as she could under the circumstances, she searched through the bag for a syringe. ‘Do we wake him?’ She turned to Rey, This was her choice, if he wouldn’t wake then Rey would the the one who had to carry him. The Jedi pulled her lips to one side. ‘I don’t know. Would he be in pain?’ She spoke quietly, hand still resting on Ben’s ankle. Eri shook her head. 

 

‘I have a mixture of pain relief, adrenaline and a few other things in here. I won’t tell you there’ll be no pain, or that he’ll be fit to do much more than walk. Even with that he’ll need help. He’d be conscious though which could be useful if we’re stopped.’ Rey swallowed and then nodded. 

 

‘I’ll try to wake him first. Before you inject him - it seems…’

 

‘It’ll be less of a shock. Probably better in a medical sense.’ Eri finished for her. Rey moved to kneel beside Ben’s shoulders, lifting his torso gently into her arms. She placed a hand on his forehead and pushed a little. He offered no resistance and she felt herself fall into his mind. She spoke softly, hoping for a reaction.  _ Ben. We need you to wake up, please.  _ She felt… something. She couldn’t say what; her senses overlapping and overwhelming her, but there was some small answer. Not words, but something. She pressed him.  _ Come on. Wake up.  _ She felt a hand on her shoulder, and for a moment couldn’t work out whose it was. Ben was in her arms, he couldn’t touch her shoulder. The thought troubled her for a minute before she returned to herself, slipping quietly out of Ben’s head. 

 

‘Rey.’ His eyes were open, if glazed, and his voice was hoarse. She saw Eri beside her, syringe in her hand and realised what had happened. When he had woken, Eri had noticed first, she had been so wrapped up in Ben’s head to realise. 

 

‘Ben, I’m going to give you a shot, it should help you to focus and it’ll help with the pain. It’ll be a small pinch. you probably won’t feel it at all right now, ok?’ She spoke more loudly than she had before, and slower. Ben’s eyes moved towards the sound, but there was no sign that he understood. Eri muttered something under her breath and gave him the injection nonetheless. Rey saw his pupils dilate and he blinked, seemingly waking a second time. 

 

‘What- How are y-’ He paused, giving himself space to finish his thought. ‘You shouldn’t be here.’ He breathed desperately. ‘It’s too dangerous, risking yourselves.’ He scowled at them through heavy eyes, though his hand gripping Rey’s betrayed his gratitude. Rey helped him to sit before jutiing her chin forward and fixing him with a furious look. 

 

‘Did you want us to just let you die?’ She asked, enraged that his first words to her had yet again been to tell her what to do. He shook his head, glancing down to his leg which was now encased in the mechanical splint. For a moment he said nothing, testing the limb by bending his knee slightly, wincing as he did, before looking back at her.

 

‘I expected you to understand it was that best course of action.’ Rey rolled her eyes and stood beside him, offering him her hand. Eri narrowed her eyes at Rey and moved to support Ben, her shoulder beneath his arm and an arm around his waist. She waited for Rey to follow suit and together they managed to get him into a standing position. Eri waited until she saw his breathing steady before she spoke.

 

‘Leaving you here wasn’t an option. Not one person suggested it, now granted some of that is down to your mother, but nevertheless. We were not going to leave one of us to be tortured to death.’ Ben looked at her with wide eyes, still not completely trusting her. ‘I’m not lying to you, why would I? We had a discussion and it was agreed that you are forgiven. You’re not anybody’s favourite person, but you are one of us and you’re coming home.’ Her blunt honesty seemed to get through to him and Ben nodded slowly.

 

‘Ok. That- that works.’ He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a laboured breath. ‘My mother, is she ok?’ There was a pause, and Rey knew now would be the time to give him Leia’s message, but… he was ok. He was talking, he was upright. Leia could tell him herself when they returned. Eri filled the silence again, reassuring him.

 

‘She’s worried. She’ll be better when we get you home.’ Eri said decisively. ‘Do you think you can walk?’ Ben nodded, but Rey noted the hand he held beside his thigh, fingers splayed. Not without the Force, then. She thought and he glanced over to her. She shrugged, it was the truth, though she hadn’t intended him to hear it. 

 

As they left the room, Ben was concerned to see the trooper still posted at the door, but soon understood when Finn raised the helmet for a moment. After a quick conversation with Eri, the two swapped places, Eri carrying the bag and walking in front as Finn and Rey supported him. The bowels of the ship were eerily quiet, and their footsteps along the walkways echoed through the cavernous vaults above them. He focussed on walking. One foot in front of the other. He could already feel the painkiller which dulled the agony of movement wearing off with every step. He gritted his teeth and continued, ignoring the significant looks between Eri and Rey as they monitored his slow, painful progress. He wondered if even with all their hopes and medical supplies they were just prolonging the inevitable. They stopped. Ahead of them they saw a group of engineers, speaking casually to one another as they went about their duties. The engineers stopped too as they saw the small group, eyeing their former leader with apprehension. Ben hung his head, letting his eyelids droop in an effigy of semi-consciousness. The act was closer to the truth than he would like to accept. Eri cleared her throat, speaking from behind the helmet. ‘We’ll need space to pass.’ The engineers’ eyes widened, but Eri stood her ground. They stepped aside and the group limped forward.

 

The next group they encountered presented more of a challenge; the troopers did not immediately let them pass, instead blocking their path and demanding an explanation further to Eri’s authoritative demand that they moved aside and let them pass. As the troopers demanded that they contact Hux to prove their orders Ben muttered something and the group stepped aside, but the action cost him dearly. He slumped and Rey and Finn struggled to keep him upright as they passed. ‘Drop him.’ Rey instructed Finn. Finn did not drop him. Rey sighed. ‘I’ll catch him, it’s quicker if I carry his whole weight with the Force than we try to carry him together.’ Finn nodded, still not speaking beneath the helmet. He stepped back, and Rey extended a hand, stopping Ben from falling. She stepped out from beneath his shoulder and lowered him gently to the ground, lifting him once more with one arm around his back and one beneath his knees. The metal of the splint dug into her skin, but she didn’t care. She just wanted to get him back to the Falcon, somewhere he could rest and recuperate. ‘We run then?’ Eri asked, and Rey nodded. Finn pulled out his blaster, and the three of them took off. By the time they reached the Falcon they were being chased by more than two platoons, alarms blaring and lights flashing. The door opened as they approached and they didn’t break their stride as they ran onto the ship. Once onboard, Chewie pushed a lever and the door closed behind them. The Falcon took off pursued by TIE fighters, but Rey didn’t care. She sat beside the bunk where she had lain Ben’s still silent form,gripping his limp hand in hers. Eri fussed around them, but did not ask Rey to move, even when it meant leaning awkwardly over the girl to reach Ben. When she was satisfied that the man was as stable as she was going to get him, short of putting him in a bacta tank, she squeezed Rey’s shoulder gently and moved through to the cockpit. Rey heard the three other people onboard speaking to one another quietly, but the sound felt far away, like words heard underwater. The world around her seemed to slip in and out of focus as  she smoothed Ben’s hair, paying attention to each strand as she moved them from his sweat soaked forehead.  _ Come back to me.  _ She pushed. Nothing. She gripped his hand tighter still. ‘Not much longer now. Hold on.’ She murmured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter for today guys :) The final 2 will be up tomorrow. You guys should also check out my other fic - 1 chapter so far, also Reylo maybe except they're like 13 atm so not for a bit. It's like Star Wars but also set in 16th century America and about witches. It's called Familiar Spirits :)
> 
> Ben's life is 100% still dependent on kudos and comments disregard any evidence to the contrary.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get back to the resistance. Ben is still not a healthy boy.

As soon as she recognised the Falcon on their scanners, Leia left the bridge of their newly acquired flagship and hurried down the corridors towards the hangar. Poe watched she left, hoping quietly that she would not be devastated by what she found, but kept his post. He would see his friends later, right now he had a job to do. He gave the Falcon the all clear to land, and sent a medical team over as well. Even in the best of situations, Ben would need some patching up after whatever Hux had put him through. He had to admit, he was pleasantly surprised by the man’s actions, however worried they made Leia. He would not have thought in a million years that Kylo Ren, bogeyman of the galaxy, would give his life to save Poe. Then again, Kylo Ren hadn’t given his life; Ben Solo had. Poe didn’t know Ben Solo very well, but he certainly deserved a chance after this gesture of loyalty.

 

Leia saw the ship land, and just like always she almost expected han to be there when the door opened. Instead she was greeted by the sight of Rey walking beside Chewie, and, in the Wookiee’s arms, her terrifyingly still son. He looked so small, cradled against Chewbacca’s chest and her stomach turned as she took in the bandages peeking out from beneath the blanket he was wrapped in. It was his blanket. She had meant to leave it with him when she had left him with luke all those years ago; a small piece of home for him to keep hold of, but in all the stress and confusion of that day it had been forgotten, left lying in storage on the Falcon for all these years instead. She walked over to the bedraggled group, heart fluttering as she dreaded what she would see when she got closer. A medical team ran past, speaking quickly to Eri as they arrived before carefully taking Ben’s unmoving form and laying him on the stretcher that hovered between them. One shot her a quick apologetic look as they began to move again, still towards her but then past and onwards in the direction of the medical facilities. Rey followed close behind them with Eri, even as FInn and Chewie peeled off and headed off towards the bridge. The women surrounded leia, and she looked to Rey first of all. ‘Is he-’ Rey shook her head, and Eri spoke up. 

 

‘It could go either way.’ She said bluntly, knowing Leia would want the truth. ‘He needs to be in a bacta tank, and we’ll see where we go from there.’ She waited for a response, but when none came she spoke again, filling the heavy silence as they walked. ‘He was annoyed with us for going after him. We made sure he knew it was more than just you and Rey that made that decision.’ Leia nodded her thanks, gaze still fixed on her son as they walked behind the stretcher. His hand had fallen from the stretcher, dangling limply over the edge; she desperately wanted to go and take it, but she couldn’t be sure that she wouldn’t do more damage in touching him. She turned to Rey,

 

‘Did you tell him?’ Her heart broke for what felt like the thousandth time when Rey shook her head.

 

‘I thought- Eri gave him a shot and he was awake, and walking with our support. I thought he was going to be ok..’ The girl’s eyes welled, and any anger and disappointment Leia had felt in her dissolved. This was hard for Rey too. She loved him too. 

 

‘It’s ok. I understand. Rey-’ She took a breath. ‘If it’s still what you want, I have no objections to you being with him, when he wakes. This- all of this,’ she gestured around them, ‘it’s hard work, and it doesn’t seem to end. You came into this without any understanding of what it meant and stayed despite that, you deserve some joy. If that’s what he brings you, then so be it. I’ll talk to him too. When he wakes.’ The final statement was said with determination and gritted teeth, and Rey for a second thought that everything was going to be alright. Leia wouldn’t let him die, she’d browbeat him into staying alive. That was something Rey would happily assist with. Reality crashed through her hopes as they reached the medical bay and Eri rushed past them, closing the doors behind her. Leia and Rey stood outside in silence, each lost in their own thoughts and fears. After what felt like an age, Rey spoke. 

 

‘He was happy,’ she turned to Leia, ‘or at least close, when we were on the shuttle.’ She tried to cling onto those memories, but all they did was make her more afraid that that would be the only time they had together. Leia pulled her into an embrace and they stood together, united in their pain. 

‘I can’t lose him.’ Leia said quietly. ‘I’ve mourned him enough for one lifetime.’ 

 

‘I should have stopped him.’ Rey told her. ‘When he went to give himself up, I should have-’ Leia shushed her, shaking her head.

 

‘You tried. I heard what happened, you did everything in your power to make him stay, and then to get him back, and you did. You brought him home, even if-’ she stopped and pressed her lips together. ‘He knows he’s loved, and I have you to thank for that. That’s what’s important.’ Rey nodded into Leia’s shoulder, allowing her tears to fall unchecked now. She had brought him home. She had done everything she could, but it still wasn’t enough. 

 

Eri emerged from the ward, pulling Rey from her thoughts. The women stepped apart and looked expectantly at the harried medic. Eri took a breath. ‘He’s still with us. He’s in a bacta tank right now, but he hasn’t regained consciousness which concerns me. If he does wake we might see a number of things that result from a long time spent unconscious, which you need to be prepared for.’ Leia nodded, gripping Rey’s hand in hers as Eri continued. ‘The most likely is memory loss, but we could also see regression or a complete change in personality. Best case, he has a long road in front of him to recover physically.’ Rey took a long, shaky breath before raising her gaze to meet Eri’s. 

 

‘We still don’t know if he’s-’ Eri shook her head. 

 

‘We have a good chance though. We’re all working hard to keep him with us. You can come in if you’d like. We’ve finished with our assessment, we just have to wait now.’

 

The following few days were difficult. Ben remained unconscious, and Leia and Rey sat with him, sleeping in shifts to ensure that if he woke up there would be somebody there with him. Rey tried to read to him as he lay, unmoving aside from the steady rise and fall of his chest which made gentle waves in the bacta around him, but closed the book quickly after opening it. It was a difficult slog and she was too tired and worried to focus. Instead she told him stories; stories of her own life on Jakku, and stories she had overheard in cantinas and ration queues. When Leia was safely out of the room, sleeping in her own bed as her nights on the chairs had taken their toll on her body, Rey leant forward, speaking what had truly been on her mind these past few days. She wished he was awake to talk this through with her, but for now this was what she had. She would make do. ‘I used the darkside again.’ She paused, she hadn’t said the words out loud before. The darkside. It felt bigger when it was said like that. ‘I was scared, and angry, and it was just there. I needed to get to you, but I didn’t manage. I used too much power I think, I collapsed.’ She trailed off, wishing again that he would answer. ‘I know you talked about balance. I wonder if that’s it. As you get closer to the light, I get closer to the dark. I don’t know. It’s frightening. I need you here. I need you to wake up.’ She bit her lip. She was crying again, and it was infuriating. She never cried, but these past few days she had done little else. She felt useless and out of place in the medical ward; she couldn’t do anything. She shook her head slightly. She had done enough waiting in her life. She put her hand on his head and tried again to find him. He was in there somewhere.  _ Ben.  _ She pressed once more. This time she felt something, nothing huge but there was a response. She pushed again,  _ Ben?  _

 

_ Rey.  _ She heard him in her head and then she let the tears fall. He was still there. She leant forward, touching his cheek. His eyelids fluttered, and he blinked awake, wincing as he did so. He cleared his throat before speaking, voice hoarse and faint. ‘Rey?’ 

 

‘I’m here,’ she said through her tears, wishing she could take his hand, or lay her head on his chest. ‘I’m here.’ 

 

He turned his head to her, the laborious movement rewarded by a glimpse of her face, and swallowed. Rey saw something she had not seen before in his eyes; a quiet wonder. Peace. ‘I’m home?’ he asked quietly, already knowing the answer. Rey grinned at him through her tears, but it was Leia who answered, stepping in from the doorway where she had been waiting.

 

‘You’re home.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the end you guys. There'll be an epilogue later on at some point but maybes not for a little while. Maybe later today. We'll see!
> 
> I am so happy I actually finished something ngl. Also it's so long. I should really write my actual book, but I'd have to do so much more work for that. I'll just write more fic instead I think.


	51. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few months later, Ben is back on his feet. Sort of.

‘You’re so heavy,’ Rey complained as she helped Ben along the corridor. ‘Whose idea was this again?’ Ben smirked, letting himself lean more heavily on her for a moment. 

 

‘I don’t know. Do you want to just give up and go back to the ward.’ Rey poked a finger between his ribs, deliberately irritating a spot she knew was still bruised and making him stand back from her for a moment, leaning instead on the wall. She raised an eyebrow.’

 

‘Nope. You agreed to this, we’re doing it.’ She took his hand, pulling him back to lean on her again as they continued down the corridor towards the canteen. They heard the conversations interspersed with laughter before they reached the room. Rey felt slightly bad for not mentioning how busy the room got at mealtimes lately, what with their newly increased forces. More had joined after Jem had put out the word about Ben’s sacrifice and Leia’s trustworthiness, and they were greater in number than Rey remembered them ever being. Ben looked a little alarmed at the sounds but she smiled at him. ‘You can do this. We move forward.’ She repeated the words Leia had said to her before she left to find him, then to him after they returned. ‘It’s forgiven. Everything. We move forward.’ She had held his hand once he was out of the bacta tank and soothed him to sleep when nightmares came with those words. They had become something of a mantra. Ben nodded and repeated them back to her. 

 

‘We move forward.’ She found his hand as it hung over her shoulder and squeezed it, before the pair stepped into view of the doorway. A hush fell in the room for a moment as many of their troops got their first glimpse of the infamous Ben Solo. Poe looked up from where he sat with Finn and Rose and stood, walking swiftly to shake Ben’s hand, keeping it in his grasp as he spoke. 

 

‘I owe you a debt, Ben. You pretty much saved my life back there.’ 

 

Ben grimaced awkwardly,  _ move forward.  _ He told himself, but he struggled to take the gratitude nonetheless, unused to his actions being a cause for anything positive. ‘I- You don’t owe me anything. Nobody owes me anything. A blank slate is more than I deserve.’ Rey elbowed him again, but he stood by his words. It was the truth. 

 

‘If all you want is a blank slate I can’t help you. You start with more than that, you’re a skilled fighter, a competent pilot and a Force-User. If you’ll accept it I’d make you a Captain. We could use your skills in the field.’ Poe studied Ben’s face carefully, enjoying the shock he saw written across it. He could see the use of the mask; Ben’s feelings were blatantly obvious in every expression. He held out his hand again for Ben to shake when the man made no answer, but Ben didn’t immediately agree.

 

‘I’ve never flown an X-Wing.’ He said after a while, glancing around the room as everyone seemed to be listening intently to the quiet conversation. Rey saw where he looked and clambered onto a nearby table.

 

‘Right. Listen up everyone. Yes this is Ben. Yes that Ben. You can stop staring and go back to eating now. We’ll be coming by here most mealtimes, if you’re that interested in our conversations come and talk to us.’ She stepped down and smiled cheerily at Ben who was glaring daggers at her. 

 

‘Subtle.’ He muttered to her and she grinned back. A hum of conversation began to resume, and Ben turned back to Poe. ‘Like I said, I’ve never flown an X-Wing.’ Poe looked at him shocked.

 

‘Never? Not even growing up? I flew them all the time..’ Ben shrugged. 

 

‘I went to train when I was nine. I flew the Falcon a bit, but not anything else.’ Poe nodded his head to one side for a second. 

 

‘I’ve never flown a TIE fighter I guess. Anyway, the offer still stands. You’d pick it up.’ 

 

Ben looked to Rey who shrugged. ‘It’s your decision. You make those now. I think you’d make a great captain though.’ She finished, unable to help herself. Ben swallowed before taking Poe’s proffered hand and shaking it again. 

 

‘Ok. Yes, I’ll do it. You need to pick my men carefully though, I’m not going to lead anyone who’s afraid of me.’ Poe laughed.

 

‘Ok, but you’ll have to start respecting me as your leader too, Captain Solo.’

 

‘That sounded like insubordination to me, if I’m honest General Dameron.’ Rey butted in, smiling wickedly at Ben who rolled his eyes. 

 

‘As our only other resident Force-user, I’m sure you’ll see to it that he is suitably punished.’ Poe told Rey, before going back to his table. Rey reached up and kissed Ben’s cheek. ‘Well then, Captain, shall we?’  

 

She took his hand and together they moved forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You do get the epilogue today! I just want the whole thing online so I can close my docs tab and it's sorted. I hope you enjoyed my story! I started not really believing in reylo and now I'm 100% in the trash compactor with all y'alls. Plus you know I've learned all about how it's essentially canon (at least on one side). I have had my very own little conversion while I write about Ben's. 
> 
> Thanks for all your comments and kudos, I have really enjoyed writing this!


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